It’s no secret there’s a stereotype that men tend to want to play the field and leave a trail of broken hearts along the way. It doesn’t help that movies often depict this cliche with scenes of a woman in the bar sobbing about a man who won’t commit after downing too many martinis.
This, of course, can make any single woman wonder if men ever fall in love without the runaround or if there are questions to ask to make him fall for you. Contrary to popular belief, studies show that men actually fall in love faster than women. The main reason is that men admit to falling in love based on physical attraction, but they still only choose commitment when they feel emotionally and mentally connected to their partner.
The same studies show that women admit to the same feelings and intensity of love that men feel, but about six weeks later. This is because women reported feeling attraction based on an emotional connection, which takes more time to build.
At the end of the day, men and women seek the same things in relationships. The key difference is the timing for when they feel certain levels of attraction. So, when it comes to winning over a man, think about what attracts you to a partner.
Maybe you’ve already hit the gym, revamped your wardrobe, and done your nails. Now, you are attracting men but are never quite getting to the point of commitment. You may have the physical attraction down, but feel stuck at the emotional level.
Men Choose When and How They’re Ready
There are many factors at play when it comes to making a man fall in love and commit. Here are a few that might be a factor in your relationship:
Timing Can Be Everything
It could be his age, or it could be that all of his friends have settled down or are starting to. This guy may have just realized he doesn’t want to spend his life alone and doesn’t want to play the field anymore.
This is a factor you simply can’t control, but it’s something you can evaluate in the early stages of dating. You should ask yourself: How does he treat women? How does he treat you? How does he talk about relationships and commitment in general?
One question I also always recommend asking is–what are you looking for?
You should be an objective observer when listening to his answer. Ignore his dreamy eyes and goofy smile. Can you tell if he’s still finding himself, or is he open to more? He might be looking for something casual but doesn’t want to lose his chance at being intimate by saying so.
A man who is actively searching for love and commitment will make it clear in some way. He might say something like, “I’m looking for something long term, but want to really get to know someone before making that move,” or, “I’m hoping to settle down and want to build a connection.”
Someone looking for a long-term relationship while acknowledging that commitment is built over time indicates emotional intelligence.
Feeling connected with another person comes with equal parts attraction and effort. Do you only ever see each other at night or within a very specific context, such as at a bar or his place? Building a connection means seeing each other in different contexts and opening up in new ways.
Try shaking up your dates. Drinks and a movie are fun sometimes, but what about hikes? Brunch? Meeting each other’s friends? If you find yourself only ever laughing and joking around, what conversations can you start that push you both to make a deeper connection? When he’s looking for his Ms. Right, he needs to know you’re more than just a fun time. You both need to see the qualities you seek in a partner.
He Feels Needed and Appreciated
Women are often socialized to be nurturers, which is something they struggle with in relationships. Female friendships rely on supporting one another and helping one another, but it’s better if you can turn this impulse off when it comes to dating.
Even with the best intentions, solving your man’s problems and doing everything to accommodate him will subconsciously infantilize him to you. It will ruin the attraction on both sides.
When you find yourself needing to discuss a problem, in or outside of the relationship, keep it simple. You don’t need to solve all issues at one time–state how you feel and observe what he does.
A client of mine started with this approach on a small scale. She told two men she was seeing that she had to skip lunch for a work meeting and was feeling out of sorts. One man simply offered condolences and changed the subject; the other offered to have her favorite food delivered to her office. Guess which one she felt more attracted to and eventually ended up with?
When a man steps up like that, you should show your appreciation any way that feels right to you, as long as you express your appreciation and value his efforts. He will subconsciously see how the two of you work as a team and will feel proud that he could support you in some way.
When men are ready for the real deal, they make a conscious effort. They evaluate how connected they feel to you and how they can be your ideal partner. Building connections comes down to attraction, timing, and effort from both parties.