When did we stop listening? Many people complain about the fact that our society “clicks” and reacts more than they listen. Sure, we could talk for hours about how much the world has changed over the years.
But the real question is, not WHY we stopped listening, but WHO we stopped listening to. Well, I’m going to tell you who you stopped listening to and the answer might surprise you.
You stopped listening to yourself.
In our attempt to understand other people, and understand the world around us, we stopped listening inward. It was easier to follow someone else’s train of thought, and sympathize with them, more so than it was to listen inwardly and hear your heart’s desire.
And that’s what brings us to the “NOW.” Right now, you don’t have the relationship you want.
Maybe you’re single and can’t seem to find the right guy. Or maybe you’re in a relationship but you’re going through a rough patch and don’t know if you can survive it in the long run.
Or maybe you have a pretty good relationship going…but are also scared to death of losing him. Because when things are going good, that’s when disaster strikes, right?
No matter where you are in life, I think this is going to help you through this period of doubt.
Because in this exercise, we’re going to work on listening to yourself and rediscovering your natural self-confidence.
We’re going to talk about what affirmations are, how they REALLY work, and why people don’t use them…and not so coincidentally, start self-sabotaging their own happiness.
By the end of this document, you’re going to be able to attract the love you desire, by building a better and stronger relationship. Just like the one you always wanted, and NOT the one you settled for.
Let’s start by talking about what affirmations are and how easily they’re misunderstood.
My name is Matthew Coast. I’m the “Commitment Coach.”
Maybe you've heard of me?
I’m the head dating coach, author, and founder at commitmentconnection.com.
Since 2005 I’ve taught, coached, and spoken to tens of thousands of people…
… Both men and women…
… From all over the world.
And I’ve helped them with dating and relationships.
My videos reach millions of women, every month
Many of these women have gone on to:
I’ve helped save marriages... mend broken hearts... and heal struggling relationships...
I've helped women who thought they would be alone for the rest of their lives attract life partners in a very short period of time.
I've found that what is going on in your mind is actually more important than the strategies or techniques that you use.
If you’re running east looking for a sunset, it doesn’t matter what is in your mind...
But it all starts with what's going on in your mind...
Everyone generally knows what an affirmation is. Maybe you even think of over-the-top parodies of new age thinking, as seen in movies like Stuart Saves His Family.
You’re a great person and doggone it, people like you! Keep saying that and you’ll believe it.
Be positive and you’ll never be disappointed!
But that’s not really what an affirmation is.
An affirmation is also not just a matter of thinking positively and succeeding in life. You probably know by now, you cannot change the world just by concentrating on a mantra.
But the better definition is reaffirming what you are - NOT what you want to be.
In fact, let’s consider an antonym of the word Affirmation. The opposite of an affirmation is denial, disagreement, and disproof.
If an affirmation is the act of confirming something, and being something, then the opposite would be denying that. Or disagreeing with that confirmation.
When we deny or veto something, we block it. We put an obstacle in front of this fact, or this feeling, and we stop trying to confirm it as true.
As in, “That all sounds well and good BUT…this is why that’s not going to work for me.”
So if I said something simple like, “I am craving something sweet today. I want some ice cream...” (Which I am and I do!)
Then I have two choices. I can confirm what I just said, as in, “Hell yeah let me go get some ice cream right now!”
Or I could argue it and say, “I’m not actually craving ice cream. I don’t like ice cream even though I enjoy eating it. I mean I do enjoy it, but I don’t really and I need to stop pretending that I do. Maybe I’ll get frozen yogurt instead because that’s what people say tastes better.”
That whole italicized statement is, of course, nonsense. It sounds more like justification, or maybe even letting other people think for you, rather than you confirming how you feel.
But affirmation has more to do with accepting something and confirming it as something real and actual. It’s about looking inward and realizing that you don’t have to argue with what you feel. You don’t have to convince yourself of something opposite of your instincts, especially when faced with facts or when your heart is telling you something important.
Self-affirmation is about accepting who you are and what you want.
If you’ve ever found yourself in a bad relationship, or in a series of empty affairs that go nowhere, then it’s very possible you’ve stopped listening to yourself.
You’ve ignored what your heart wanted and convinced yourself that maybe this is as good as it gets…flaws and all, “This is the relationship I deserve.”
But “I deserve” is kind of a non-sequitur. “Deserve” has nothing to do with happiness, success, or building a loving relationship.
The most realistic thing you can is that you “WANT” this relationship that you’ve built and have made choices to get that relationship, to build it, and foster it to what it is has become today.”
Now if your first instinct is to say, “But I’m not happy!” then that’s good!
This is the first step in CHANGING YOUR LIFE and rebuilding the relationship you actually want, versus accepting the pattern that you’re stuck in.
Self-affirmation means that you feel this way, you’re saying it, and taking action to confirm it. You are now in the state of being something, rather than talking yourself out of it and disagreeing with your instincts.
That’s all self-affirmation is - the state of being something and accepting what you really want.
You don’t try to convince yourself of anything. You accept it. You are now “that” - what was once a thought becomes a reality by your own effort. You don’t argue with yourself or try to listen to other people letting them guide you.
You now belong to yourself and you “listen to yourself.”
And not coincidentally, when you start projecting the confidence that you feel inside, after you practicing self-affirmations, people are drawn to you.
The kind of man you want is more likely to notice you. Opportunities come your way. You start to attract what you intended to attract.
We always attract more of the same energy we put out there.
So if you want to rebuild a better relationship then it’s time to listen to yourself and decide if you’re happy with the present state (and where your thinking has brought you thus far)
OR…it’s time to change your affirmations and start reprogramming your mind to move in a more positive direction.
The following 10 love affirmations are going to help you figure out who you are, what you want, and attract the love you desire.
You might want to borrow these affirmations to test yourself, or rewrite and adapt them to fit your own life. What matters is that be consistent and keep repeating these affirmations until you believe it, live it, and attract more of the same positive energy.
Let’s start with some simple ones and ease into some more complex thoughts.
It’s hard to believe something so simple can trigger negative emotions. But if the idea of love, or falling in love, or even believing in love seems difficult for you, you’ve already given up the fight.
It’s important to invest some time in self-care, especially after the trauma of a bad relationship.
What happened before doesn’t have to happen again and you have the power to stop it from happening again.
You still believe in love because you will not let negative memories or bad experiences dictate your future. Just because one or two ex-lovers may have hurt you doesn’t mean that love failed you or that you’re unlovable.
Our perception of love is literally what we say it is. When we feel hate over love, or when we mutter to ourselves that love is just a chemical reaction and “not real”, then we are only limiting ourselves.
We deprive ourselves of LIFE, of joy, and of the good things in life. Focusing on negativity breeds negativity. Life and love are interchangeable and you can’t have one without the other. And both enhance each other. It’s no exaggeration to say that when you say “you still believe in love”, you are essentially saying, “I still love being alive.”
● I want love in my life again
● I am meant to have a loving, caring partner
● When I feel love, I feel passion
● Real love is always worth it
For some people learning to love one’s self is the hardest part of opening your heart. Self-hate, self-judgment, and self-effacing are dangerous and toxic qualities that, frankly, don’t get enough attention.
Loving one’s self is not just about giving yourself pleasure. It’s learning to respect yourself and appreciate yourself.
You may pamper yourself all the time, but do you “respect yourself in the morning?”
Are you proud of the person that you are? Are you proud of yourself the same way your friends and family are proud of you?
If not, then ask yourself why. Is it because of unhealthy patterns that you want to change? Would changing something about yourself make you a better person and give you that confidence back?
Or is it because you blame yourself for someone’s unhappiness? Do you take too much responsibility on your shoulders?
Do you remember a time when you used to be confident but it gradually eroded into the doubt that plagues you now?
Self-love is about forgiving yourself and realizing that toxic self-image views are what keep you running back to unhealthy dating patterns.
It’s always possible to change bad qualities and toxic characteristics. But forgiving yourself is a choice and it’s one you must make, BEFORE you open your heart completely.
Because I tell you this - there are so many broken people out there who cannot or will not forgive themselves for the past. And it’s keeping them right inside that hole of misery they have created for themselves.
Don’t be like them. If you don’t love yourself now, at least open your heart to the idea of loving yourself one day. Because you must love yourself BEFORE you fall in love with someone else.
Loving yourself doesn’t just boost your self-confidence either.
Loving yourself IS A PROTECTION from tolerating any neglect, abuse or emotional abandonment that the wrong type of guy might inflict upon you.
If you truly love yourself you will respect yourself and your high standards just as much as you would protect your own kin.
● I bring a lot of value to the right partner
● I know what a healthy and loving relationship feels like
● I love myself through the journey
● I respect myself just as much as a partner
● I will always protect my inner child
If you want to the 5 shifts that my most successful clients use to attract great men into committed, lasting relationships, click the link below and watch a video I put together on it...
Another deceptively simple statement. Everyone wants to find true love in theory. But how many people actually do it?
More to the point, how many people are ready to find it, and not in subconscious conflict with the idea?
Unfortunately, I’ve met a lot of people, friends and colleagues, family members and associates, that have said one thing… (Like “I really want to meet a good man and I deserve one!”) and yet their actions are not in agreement with what they say.
Sometimes people don’t know what to call this phenomenon. Some call it hypocrisy when someone says one thing and does another. Some use scientific terms like cognitive dissonance.
I’m of the opinion that it’s a much simpler explanation. People want something deep down, but they are also in conflict with what they desire. Part of their mind says NO, this should not happen.
They rationalize why it’s not right, or why it’s not time. They find excuses. Sometimes they don’t see the pattern and sometimes they do.
But they never quite figure out this subconscious resistance is the only thing stopping them from achieving everything they desire.
Make sure your heart and your head are not in opposition to each other. You want this, this ideal relationship, and there’s no nagging doubt. Set the parameters early on and be specific. That way, that you have no reason to second-guess your dream come true when you find it.
● Now is the right time to meet the right person.
● I have nothing holding me back!
● I want what I want
● I have no guilt or regrets
Let’s be honest. Meeting new people is not everyone’s cup of tea.
Some of us are introverted and may find it hard to be gregarious. Others might be extroverted, but not really connect with all the 100s of people going in and out of the office on a personal level.
But deep down, we must admit one fundamental truth. People need people. Humans are sociable animals and we need each other to survive.
We don’t love everyone equally, true. But we find ways to show love to our friends, family, neighbors, and even strangers who might be in need of help.
So while it’s true you may never enjoy using a dating app, or going to a singles meetup, or being blind date matched with some random guy by your aunt, at the heart of the issue is…
You love people. You don’t have any problem connecting with other human beings and sharing a part of your heart. No, not everyone will be compatible. But the friends you will make, and the connections you find, whether romantic or platonic, will bring you great joy.
It will make the journey of reaching out and meeting new people worthwhile.
● I love talking to new people
● Every person I meet teaches me something
● Today I will make a new friend
● Make someone smile
● People just open up to me!
I sometimes get the feeling that people skim by this affirmation, figuring “Yeah yeah yeah, no problems there.”
But self-effacing behavior, or shall we say, auto-rejecting compliments doesn’t project self-confidence. The more we dismiss an idea, or joke about it, or find some way to devalue someone’s compliment, the more damage we’re doing.
We’re going back to what we talked about in the beginning - arguing with what we clearly want.
If you want to be valued by others, and be seen as attractive and invite compliments from the people you like, then stop dismissing or denying the idea, and start reaffirming what you are and what you want to be.
The best way to fetch more compliments is not to be awkward or find fault with the person saying it. It’s simply to thank someone and show appreciation for that compliment.
Do you want to look and feel sexy? Then take pride in your appearance. Dress up and put an effort into looking your best wherever you go.
One of my friends once told me that she wears secret lingerie underneath her business clothes.
Not because she’s planning on using it, but because she enjoys it. She loves the boost it gives to her self-image. She feels sexy and she projects it.
Good advice, because you must feel desire before you can project that energy. You must first visualize and anticipate being sexual and how amazing intimacy would feel, before you project that.
You have to believe it and make changes if necessary, so that you believe it in your heart.
Because I assure you it’s true. All the compliments are true! Men give away compliments all the time and they mean them 100%, every last little “you look nice!” exclamation is right from the heart.
Remember most importantly, that you are not trying to look perfect for every single man that walks by. NO, you aren’t trying to attract 90% of the male population to fulfill their fantasies, are you?
You’re trying to target, to limit, your search to just the RIGHT kind of guy, the partner you really want. That’s who is going to find you irresistible and that’s the attention you want most. Dress for him, not for everyone else. And feel confident that he will “fall in love” almost at first sight because you will be extreme-projecting and the mutual attraction will be palpable!
● I always look my best
● People look at me because they like what they see
● There are no fake compliments
● What I love about my body is: (List qualities)
● My best qualities are: (List qualities)
If you're struggling to attract a great guy into a committed, lasting relationship where you feel safe, seen, and valued, make sure you check out how I help women attract great partners...
It’s one thing to forget the past and stop dwelling on it, but can you truly let it go?
What does it mean to forgive the past, anyway?
It doesn’t mean that you deny everything that’s happened. It certainly doesn’t mean that you refuse to accept any responsibility for old mistakes.
Mistakes happen. Denial doesn’t fix painful memories, no matter how hard we try to run away.
Letting go of the past is about identifying and embracing those mistakes, realizing that they DID happen for a reason and that there’s no great shame in trying to find love.
Realizing and accepting our mistakes is the first step towards gaining a healthy perspective on the past and the future.
We don’t suffer things. We LEARN from things.
It’s not about what so and so did or didn’t do, it’s what we take away from the experience.
It’s what you learn about yourself and the mate you THOUGHT was right for you at the time.
Was the experience an exercise in pointless and horrific suffering? Is that all?
Or were there good times? Were there important life lessons you learned about yourself or about men in general? Maybe you just learned WAY too much about one man in particular - yes, a man you hope to forget!
Nothing wrong with that. But that’s still a lesson to take to heart, isn’t it?
You’re not just satisfied with anyone. You’re not going to wait until a “guy like that” comes into your life again and steals you away to his fantasy romance - oblivious of your needs.
This has to be about you. This has to be about learning a lesson and taking that with you.
You don’t bring the baggage of your old relationship with you. You just take one item, one golden lesson out of that bag, and you bring that with you.
Every relationship teaches us something. Who knows, maybe every person you meet teaches you something.
So are you listening to what happens? Are you always learning something, from the best and worst of your memories?
Letting go of the past means making peace with yourself and what you’ve been through, viewing all of this as a positive experience that helped you grow into the person you are now.
● Every relationship taught me something important
● I love who I am and now I got here
● I live in the moment
● I love my life
● When I fall in love, I love intensely!
In like manner, now that you’ve experienced relationships that did not work out (ended badly or just didn’t give you the passion you needed), you are in a much better position to define your ideal relationship.
Love should never be about settling. It’s not about taking whatever is at the bar, or whoever is online right this second.
Love is about looking for someone specific. Not a soul mate, because a soul mate is someone that’s picked out for you. A paragon that someone else invented that whisks you away to Happily Ever After.
But your future partner is not a perfect man or a fantasy. He is simply a man that possesses ALL of the qualities you hold dear in a lifetime mate.
When you custom build the relationship you want, and set those boundaries early on before you even meet the guy, you start to narrow your search.
You can create a list of MUST HAVE qualities and stick to that list no matter what your subconscious mind argues.
Must have qualities don’t have to be extremely specific, and should never be shallow.
These are not arbitrary lists. These are not even hopes or desires, since desires are tentative.
This MUST HAVE LIST is based on the lessons you’ve learned from past relationships.
Because you know yourself better, and know what you DON’T want from past experience, you can confidently state what you want in a man.
AND…that type of man will be drawn to you, because of the energy you are producing.
It’s not all energy either. Once you decide on your vision of an ideal man, it comes out - in the way you talk, what you talk about, what you focus your mind on.
You start thinking about that ideal guy, and then build your life around that affirmation - that “THIS is the guy I am attracting with my social circles and my attitude.”
“I don’t have to search for him in all corners of the earth, nor do I have to settle for a compromise. He will come to me because everything I do is attracting him to me naturally.”
If the idea of “attracting the perfect guy to you” still seems a bit magical, then read on!
● I am only interested in a man that meets my high standards
● My standards are realistic and easy to meet - for one very unique man
● I attract men who are intelligent, mature, healthy and kind
● I know how to communicate my needs and wants
● I am only interested in the highest caliber of man - because that’s what I strive to be
Maybe this sounds unrealistic - the idea that the perfect guy will love you, just like a dashing prince or a soul mate.
But the idea is not contrived, only based on something observable and scientific.
Namely, that we give off signals to other people - both overt and subtle - that suggests what we want and what we’re looking for.
We certainly know, almost by instinct, how to identify a man with creepy or deviant energy. It’s all in the way he looks, speaks, and what he says.
Well the same is true of more positive energy. We project and we attract, based on our affirmations.
These attitudes, these feelings that we allow ourselves, emanate from the pores of our skin.
So if a person has, as the kids might say, “resting bitch face”, that’s definitely going to give a preview about what they’re feeling inside!
But a person who’s positive, confident, and knows exactly the type of man she’s looking for?
She has a very particular smile, one that exudes warmth and invitation. She also lights up whenever that man comes into her life, drawing him in with her magnetism.
She accentuates her unique, charismatic, mature, and intelligent qualities - because she wants to be valued and cherished for these qualities.
She also doesn’t care how this confident streak turns off the wrong type of guys.
She is only sending out signals for HIM - her future partner, who also happens to be looking for someone just like HER.
In fact, you can’t just wait idly while time passes you by, thinking “maybe I’ll meet someone someday…”
NO, you must BELIEVE that this ideal man is also looking for you and that he’s nearby OR going to cross paths with you very soon.
This thinking, and these affirmations, will give you the motivation to shine for him, AND maybe even to take the initiative to talk to him and get a friendly conversation started.
This is a form of “magic” because our pheromones are magical little things.
We really do attract other people who think like us and are looking for us. So don’t underestimate the power of optimism. You don’t just “deserve a good man” you ARE going to find him because he is looking for you just the same.
● Today might be the day I find my true love
● He looks for me as I look for him!
● He will be attracted to me instantaneously
● If we have friendly eye contact I want to speak to him!
● I bring out the best in every person I meet
Part of growing up and maturing - which in turn attracts a mature relationship - is understanding the love you have to give for a partner.
When we’re young and immature, we think selfishly about love. I want to GET this. I deserve this.
But real love is more mutually beneficial. It’s more like:
“I know what my needs are by now, and this is what my partner must do for me…
…But I also know what positive qualities I can bring to the relationship, and what specifically I can do for him.”
Real love makes you want to nurture your relationship and express love to your partner.
Most people seem to express love in one of the five love languages; i.e. in giving gifts, in words of affirmation, in acts of service, in quality time, and physical and sensual touch.
Start with the basics and then expand upon them. If you show love in acts of service, think about specific examples of how you treat your partner, and how you show him that you cherish his company.
Knowing and understanding this about yourself will help you better understand what your future partner needs from you, in order to feel loved, and appreciated.
Knowing your needs goes hand in hand with knowing your partner’s needs. When there’s a balance between the both of you, and you’re both working hard to make the other one happy, the relationship is peaceful.
● I nurture the one I love
● I know how to make my man happy in every way
● I always give back the joy that I get
● I am grateful for my partner
● My love for him will last forever
Trust is closely related to intimacy. Too much emphasis is put on sex as intimacy, when in fact sex may have nothing to do with real intimacy. One person may fear sex because of poor body image, just as another person fears emotionally connecting with a casual sex partner.
But trusting someone from the heart requires both.
It’s so easy to hold onto defensive feelings stemming from old relationships; your ex, or even issues with your parents or other family members.
But these defensive instincts are not protecting you if they’re limiting your opportunities.
How can something that’s limiting your happiness and stifling your true desires be healthy?
It’s not. It’s an obstacle that a person invents to stop trying and to keep people at an arm’s length.
To trust someone is to expose one’s self to rejection, betrayal, and the threat of attack!
But that’s self-defeating behavior…it’s basically self-cannibalizing all your desires for love, sex, and happiness.
So part of embracing intimacy and trust is simply refusing to blame new people for the sins of past lovers. It’s unfair to that new person who is trying their best to forget THEIR past and come to appreciate you in the present.
There can be no trust if you’re holding onto the scars of old memories. Trust comes from building a new relationship from the ground up. It’s the fruits of the new relationship you’ve discovered.
This person is not the one that hurt you. Experiencing real intimacy and trust is a right and privilege you should never deny yourself.
Accept that this relationship is what you want and stop arguing against the nonsense talk. The affirmation says: I want this and I’m ready to share all of my heart once again and that’s what will help you trust openly, beautifully, and lovingly.
● My partner loves me for who I am
● He has always treated me kindly
● I give my whole hear to the man I love
● I give myself permission to enjoy this relationship
● There is no place I’d rather be than here
I’ll tell you one thing for sure. Falling in love is a gift that we give to ourselves.
There is plenty of distraction in this world. There are a million reasons to postpone your need for love and to focus on all sorts of social change happening in the world. But are you putting true love on the back burner, relegating your heart and desire until it’s convenient?
It’s never going to be perfectly convenient, but if it’s real love then timing won’t matter.
You should ALWAYS make time for love - that is, if you really want to find it in your lifetime.
Make time with the one you love most. Take the time to love yourself. Take the time to do things together and fall in love all over again, even after the initial spark.
Don’t take time for granted and don’t stop looking for THE ONE.
Because I promise you, he’s out there.
Whether he’s attached to your arm already, or just a guy you recognize by his handsome face and kind disposition, or is just a vision in your mind right now…You are the one who decides to change your daily affirmations and ATTRACT HIM TO YOU.
If you make time to fall in love and treat it as a priority, you will send a message to your Higher Source and will project everything you feel to the outside world. The end result will be finding that positive energy reflected back to you, in the form of a relationship you built from the inside out. You attracted the perfect guy and you allowed yourself the gift of falling in love again.
This time, for real, and as the better and smarter person you’ve become over the years. And oh what a joy it will be when you finally find love on your own terms and feel true love’s first kiss!
If you're struggling to attract a great guy into a committed, lasting relationship where you feel safe, seen, and valued, make sure you check out how I help women attract great partners...