It’s an unspoken law of nature that when a man loves a woman, this should inspire him, motivate him, and make him the happiest guy on earth.
When the attraction is mutual, the guy enjoys being a provider. He works hard to impress his date. He chases her and puts forth his best effort to win her heart. Nothing can stop him from landing the woman of his dreams. When a man falls in love, he goes full speed ahead.
That makes the question of why men pull away even more confusing. How is it that a guy who feels attraction AND an emotional connection can just suddenly pull away?
Guys also have a habit of not explaining themselves, so that makes things even more confusing when they pull away!
That’s why for this discussion we’re going to talk about why most men pull away, why guys come back, and what you can do to change the teetering relationship for the better.
Everything you need to know about a hot/cold guy will be explained and from now on you can decode the mystical male language whenever you need to! If you are asking, why do men pull away? We have the answers for you!
Why Men Pull Away When They Like You
As we’re going to discuss, a man might actually pull away from you for a number of reasons, since every guy is different, and every relationship is unique. Reasons men pull away vary. You have to consider the specifics as to what happened and what it might mean.
Generally speaking, men “pull away” from a relationship as a defense mechanism.
You’re right…he does like you and your intuition was right. Even if he tries to downplay his attraction to you, you know what you saw and felt. It was real. Those “pheromones” were obvious. Don’t doubt yourself.
But it goes back to the defense mechanism. He really liked you, the attraction was mutual, and then he backed away because of a fear of getting hurt.
Pulling away is an instinctive reaction to sensing danger of some kind. He felt safe and in control at first, but now is getting a different feeling.
Now, the fear, or what he’s actually afraid of, can vary. It might depend on what he said, what you said, what he was feeling, and what was happening around you at the time.
Reasons Men Pull Away in the Early Stages of a Relationship
If you both felt an initial attraction but then he started to pull away after the first conversation that suggests simple incompatibility.
He thought you were a different kind of person. It’s not a reflection of you or him. He was expecting someone else or looking for a certain kind of personality.
It’s like saying “Hey, I like this band Metallica. This person I see here is wearing a Metallica shirt. Let me talk to them!”
But then the other person goes, “Oh I’m just wearing the shirt my friend bought me. I’m actually more of a John Tesh or Yanni fan.”
See, in this case, it’s not about value or attractiveness or anything like that. Just a case of mistaken identity. How can you date someone if you have nothing in common and the initial attraction was purely physical?
But let’s be honest. Usually, when a guy pulls away it’s not after the first conversation, but AFTER the second or third…just when things are starting to get good!
Why Men Come on Strong Then Pull Away
Let’s take for instance the scenario of a very charming and confident man. He’s not the shy type. He comes on very strong and you think this is going to be amazing!
But then he suddenly pulls away, making you second guess yourself. Surely you did something wrong!
No, probably not. Usually when a man comes on strong that says something about where his mind is at the moment. He was feeling good at the time. He saw you, was attracted to you, and liked your personality.
But the next day, or the next week, his feelings changed. It wasn’t about you. What actually happened was that he found some time to think and reevaluate what he wanted. He realized that pursuing you, may complicate his life in ways he never expected and needed space.
While it might be considered rude for a man to send strong signals to a woman and then give up all of a sudden, it’s not such an unforgivable crime.
It doesn’t mean he was conning you. It may simply mean that he wasn’t ready for what he wanted. He was not in control of his emotions and feelings. His attraction overwhelmed him and out-ran his heart and mind, so to speak.
This is why some wise married folks might tell you, “Actions speak louder than words.”
Anyone can have a great conversation. But does he follow through? Is he ready to show commitment to the idea of this relationship? If a guy comes on strong but backs away, he is having second thoughts about his own wants and needs. That’s a dangerous place for you to be, emotionally.
Paying attention to the pace of the relationship is a smart way to analyze the problems that arise.
Why Do Guys Suddenly Pull Away?
Let’s say a guy suddenly pulls away, and doesn’t actually do the slow fade or the “casual friendship and then gradual exit”.
In this case, it’s likely something happened, some kind of “event” that sent his defenses up in a hurry.
The most obvious event catastrophe that would cause guys to pull away would be having sex too soon. I know a lot of people say that some men are only interested in sex and that they’re players and slimy guys, and so on.
And of course, the opposite end of that argument is that women expect too much. Why is a man who wants to date multiple women and not commit such a bad thing? He might even say it’s a woman’s fault if she falls in love when he never said anything about love.
The truth is somewhere in the middle. Of course, it’s not ethical to pretend to fall in love just to have sex.
But what does happen far too often is that we PROJECT what we want onto someone that simply doesn’t feel the same way.
A guy will like a woman for all the wrong reasons, project everything he wants onto her (without ever getting to know her first), and then ask her out. She says no. He’s heartbroken.
Of course, he never stopped to think whether he was really CONNECTING with her or not.
Well, the same thing happens in reverse sometimes. You might project your feelings and your desires for a real relationship onto a man that simply isn’t ready or isn’t capable of returning your feelings.
He may like the sex and the passion, sure. Yes, he may even like you as a person, and a dear friend. He may even fall in love with you.
But that doesn’t mean he is capable of following through. That doesn’t make him a good candidate for the marriage and family that you want.
Remember that if you give him everything he wants right from the beginning (or near it), he has no reason to wait, or to progress in the relationship. There is no learning process. Trust is not a big deal. You gave him a free gift and there’s no taking it back.
He’s interested in things staying the same because he may have entered the relationship expecting only a physical connection – not a mental or emotional one. Asking him to up the ante while giving him nothing in return could be a problem.
And even if it isn’t about sex, if a guy pulls away suddenly, there is usually some “event” that explains his behavior. Consider what other circumstances might give him pause.
Why Do Men Pull Away When Things Start to Get Serious?
While men sometimes pull away gradually, realizing they’re unhappy for some reason, usually an event causes them to second guess what they want. But if early sex was not the issue, then it’s likely other reasons that the man pulls away.
It could be a trusted friend warning them about the relationship. It could be a major family crisis or a problem at work. It could be signs that it is the wrong time for a relationship. The event, even if it’s neutral, can trigger something in a man’s mind that causes him to think about the future.
He might be undergoing a stressful situation that has nothing to do with you. He needs time and space to deal with these pressing matters. Pulling back doesn’t mean he’s uninterested in you – just that you should pull back as well and give him the time and space he needs.
But if he does see a problem in the relationship, then give him some credit for anticipating future arguments now. He’s backing away because, once again, the defense mechanism is kicking in.
He’s nervous about something that could happen or negative feelings both of you might have down the road. Maybe you have different expectations about family life, where you’re going to live, or about what rights to independence you actually have.
One common mistake is that rather than discuss these issues, one partner will put pressure on the other to fast-forward. Skip to the end and worry about the little things later. The problem is they are not little things.
You don’t want to postpone serious problems now and then take them on when you have twice as many worries later – like when you have children, or own a house together, or have double the bills, or have two families to contend with.
Sometimes opposite lifestyles, opposite careers, and religious and political differences can drive a wedge between people. One or both of you can then panic and feel insecure about the WHOLE RELATIONSHIP rather than simply discussing key issues one at a time.
Rather than focusing on the emotion, or assuming this is never going to work, why not try discussing compromise? A lack of communication is what pulls him away and pushes you further away from him.
It’s time to stop assuming and resenting each other for implied feelings. Instead, get to the heart of the matter. It’s not about how you “really feel.” It’s about what are we both willing to do about this?
But you may be wondering, isn’t pressuring my boyfriend or crush to “talk about things” just going to push him away?
A legitimate concern! This is why there is a time and place for everything, even those difficult relationship chats.
How Long Do Men Pull Away For?
You might say that the amount of time a guy pulls away, or even the severity of his feelings, is directly related to how much damage has been done.
It’s common sense. If you really hurt a man’s feelings, or drive him crazy with overbearing behavior, he pulls away for a long time. The worst-case scenario is that he runs away and never comes back.
But most relationship problems are not that bad. Even if you sense he is pulling away, that’s only a symptom, an indirect result of the underlying problem. You still have time to fix things and make him feel safe again.
What to Do When Your Man Pulls Away
When you see signs he’s pulling away, there is only one rational thing to do: and that is to remain where you are and allow him to back away.
Usually, the worst reaction is to pull him in closer, demanding that he confide in you, trust you, and follow your lead. But this is behavior based on fear. If you’re afraid of losing him, you are not using logic, and you are not properly empathizing with what he’s feeling.
Another thing that some women do after a pull away is to pull back ever farther away sending him the strong message: “I am not interested anyway, so good riddance.”
This is another overreaction and it may inadvertently cause him to leave for good, after he figures you didn’t value the relationship at all – which of course is not true.
The best thing to do is to analyze the situation. Then determine what you can do to repair the damage and improve yourself during the “pull away” downtime.
Code Black: It’s too late! He has extremely negative associations and needs years to get over the pain. Leave him alone for the time being, because toxic emotions are in the air. This is usually after a very painful breakup where there was violence, abuse, or other severe emotional trauma.
Code Red: If the relationship problem is serious and he feels upset, hurt, violated, or any other strong negative emotion, he will pull away and stay away for weeks, maybe months. This doesn’t mean it’s too late, but you need to back away and give him as much time as he needs to heal from the wound. Let him decide when he’s ready. Avoid contact until he reaches out.
The best thing to do is focus on yourself for a change. Take his criticisms seriously and determine if there’s a way to improve communication, and change an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship. Does he resent something about your lifestyle or habits? Is there a way to compromise? If you make a few changes in your communication and “love language” he will be impressed that you took it seriously.
Code Orange: He’s pulling away for sure and his indifference and mood swings are upsetting. But the good news is he is probably not emotionally hurt – he’s just annoyed and is fearful of losing his independence, should this relationship progress. He doesn’t want weeks or months without contact. He just needs time to miss you and see that you are NOT going to lose control. You are not going to try to change him. You are still his best friend and things are still good. Proceed cautiously.
Take a step back and once again, focus on self-improvement. There are no “flaws” to worry about and besides, you don’t want to change your entire character just for a man. Instead, think of ways to improve your own life, your goals, your needs and wants, that are apart from him. Take up a hobby or start a new project. Tell him what you’re doing and divide your time between taking care of him and taking care of yourself. He will appreciate more independence and me-time for himself. Even more important, he will appreciate the trust you are putting in him.
Code Yellow: He isn’t pulling away, necessarily, he’s just remaining stagnant. His behavior might seem like pulling away only because for a while he was the one pulling you IN! But now that he’s sitting back and taking things slowly again, it feels like he’s pulling away from you. The best thing to do is to understand the root cause of his stall. Are you asking too much, expecting too much, or pressuring him to feel something? Are you over-planning your weekends, rather than letting him decide what he wants to do with his free time? The best cure is not to back away, but to simply LET HIM LEAD. Let him come up with ideas and let him reach out to you, so he can come to appreciate you on his own terms.
Practice becoming confident from within. Be happy with yourself. Be proud of yourself and don’t ask him for validation. Let him follow his natural attraction and glow – just the way he appreciates you.
Code Green: He’s fine and you’re overthinking again! Look, everyone has bad days and sometimes guys can lash out verbally, or withdraw, or get scared, or even clam up because it’s Superbowl Sunday or something. Point is, he’s not going to break up with you. He still likes you. You might just be putting too much pressure on him and yourself to hurry up and get married. But it’s best to date over a longer period of time.
Why Do Guys Pull Away and Then Come Back?
It’s not fair to say that every situation is the same. Some odd guys out there might come back for odd reasons. What we’re talking about here is the statistical average. The fact of the matter is, most guys come back because they really value the relationship and their fears have been calmed.
They feel safe again. The defense mechanism has turned off. They wanted you in the beginning, met with some complications, and now that you’ve both addressed it and resolved the issue, he’s in it again. And it’s a great feeling!
A man usually pulls away because of discomfort, stress, or other negative feelings. Of course, it’s possible he’s just pulling away to get a rise out of you, or to manipulate you, but the truth is that men usually can’t fake a long-term relationship. The longer you date and stay emotionally connected, the more real your love is.
If he comes back, he needs some part of this relationship. His needs are satisfied, even if minor quibbles come up now and then. Accept his heart as genuine, and respect his efforts to make things work again – especially if he puts forth serious effort to make things right.
Will a Guy Come Back After Pulling Away?
The good news is that MOST men do come back, statistically speaking. The real issue is WHY and HOW are they coming back.
Some men only come back because they were going to come back anyway, regardless of how you change or he changes. He just wanted a break, probably to date other people, and is “trying again” to make it work. The problem is, neither partner understands why the breakup even happened! They don’t understand the root causes and they are trying really hard to do nothing in particular.
Maybe they think resisting the urge to cheat, or scream, or be toxic is “trying”. But it’s not! Sometimes breakups really do just “take a few times.” And it doesn’t matter how hard you try, because he is not seriously invested in the relationship.
Trying again means you understand where the relationship went wrong. You’re trying to make things easier for him after he pulled away, knowing exactly why he did what he did. Knowing exactly why you react to things the way you do and why it sometimes irks him.
This is not a situation you want to prolong! You want to give your best effort to a relationship that is a true partnership, one with equality, mutual respect, and real love.
And THAT is the ideal scenario because if he loves you, and this relationship was built on a solid foundation, he will come back to you. He will feel safe again and you can rebuild trust.
You have already shown commitment to this relationship and to the guy you like the most. Now it’s a matter of reading his signals and forming a plan of action.
Don’t think of him pulling away as a bad thing. Think of it as the next step toward progress and more intimacy. A permanent change for the better!
Also read more about what are the signs of a man pulling away?
When He Pulls Away, Text Him THIS
If you’re tired of men pulling away from you and you want to know how to make him want to come back and never leave again…
Here’s the secret…
In order for a man to come running back to you, he needs to feel two things…
The first one is REGRET for pulling away in the first place.
If you attack or punish him for pulling away, you’ll only make him want to pull away further.
Instead, you want him to feel like coming back to you is more pleasurable than being away.
The second thing you want him to feel is like HE MISSES YOU.
He can’t miss you if you smother him with calls and messages.
Apologizing, trying to see if he’s mad at you, seeing if he’s okay…
This only makes him feel like he needs more space.
There’s a 4 word text message that will make him feel both of these things when you send it to him.
If you’d like to hear what the text message is, click the link below right now to watch a video about it…
Click here to learn more <<
Talk soon,
Matthew Coast
P.S. If you want a relationship where a man loves you, sees you, and cherishes you, then you need to watch this video…
