For centuries, maybe even millennia, women have noticed a social phenomenon about men. And that is, a man seems torn between two types of women: the good wife and the bad girlfriend.
Oh, maybe that’s just a stereotype. Maybe boys are like that, but a handsome and successful man that fits the criteria for a great husband would never go for a “bad girl” when he can marry a real woman.
Don’t worry, your instincts and friend-of-a-friend stories are onto something.
Why are so many men attracted to bad news types of women and yet they seem “ho-hum” about women who are mature, hard-working, smart, and generous?
Believe it or not, there is a reason for this trend. And it’s not what you think.
Smart guys are not necessarily attracted to bad girls because of dysfunction, stupidity, or masochism.
But what they do want is a woman who possesses ALL 10 of the Essential Feminine Qualities.
It’s great if you have the first five. But what about those other five qualities?
If you don’t have those five other qualities of natural feminine energy, then it’s not a balanced relationship.
He may start looking for a woman with those “other five qualities” (that a lot of bad girls possess) because it’s something new and interesting, something he hasn’t experienced before.
So now I’m here to tell you, hey why not both? Or more specifically, why not all 10?
Because I can assure you if you master all 10 of the essential feminine traits of a woman, he won’t be tempted by the bad girl. He won’t throw away a good relationship for the unknown element. He will feel both attracted to you AND safe with you.
You CAN learn how to be his Good Wife and his Bad Girlfriend and give him the best of both worlds. That is precisely what a man looks for when he’s ready to get married.
And believe me when I say, if a man doesn’t find all 10 of these feminine qualities in one woman, he won’t ever get serious about a future with her.
So is learning these ten feminine qualities important?
You bet your life! (And your future, and your marriage, and family!)
In this book, I’m going to teach you about the 10 most important feminine qualities for a man looking to get married. We’re also going to talk about why half of these qualities tend to resemble the “good wife” and why the others are the “bad girlfriend”...
And best of all, we’ll teach you how to give him all feminine qualities.
By the end of this book, you’ll know how to be a rockstar in the bedroom, his best friend, and lastly, the matriarch of your new family with him.
Let’s get started by discussing the first five qualities. These are what I call playing the role of the “Good Wife.” These are all positive qualities that seem kind of obvious at first, and which many women have already mastered. (Bad girls on the other hand have trouble with these basic qualities!)
Let’s take a minute to appreciate these qualities. And let’s make it clear that you should NEVER stop being a good person, or stop treating men with respect.
Even if some people tell you to lower your standards, or be a little selfish or duplicitous and fight fire with fire, I assure you that’s NOT good advice. Like I always say, if you are willing to play dirty to win a guy over, you’re only going to attract a “Dirty Guy.” Not a good future there.
Let’s consider the first five.
One of the first and most important compliments your family will give your future husband is: He is very down-to-earth.
You might not know what that means at first. I mean, where else is he going to be? Very down to Mars?
But what it’s actually referring to is the quality of authenticity or being genuine.
When a person is “authentic” that means they are true to their own morals, standards, and values.
When a person is “genuine” that means they are true to their own personality and spirit. They don’t pretend to be someone else.
They don’t follow trends. They also don’t make a spectacle for other people.
If a down-to-earth person is in a relationship, they approach with heart and reasonable expectations. They’re not waiting for something better to come along. They’re not using this relationship as a stepping stone to something richer and more lucrative.
A person with this sort of genuine class is honest with herself and with others. You remain loyal to your own conscience, regardless of the pressure that other people put on you.
That’s amazing to a man who is used to seeing the opposite in his inner circle. He’s probably seen lots of fakes, phonies, and people who are all about image and influencing.
But what about the real person behind the camera? That’s what he sees in you. So don’t stop being authentic, classy, and genuine. That is one of the BEST things you can be if you want a man to fall in love.
Next, we come to what seems like a very complex issue, but it’s actually really simple. What are your morals? What values do you have?
We already said that the quality of genuineness means you stay true to your own code. But who decides what that code is? Who creates your morals?
You decide. That is, after your parents put those morals into you. And after society helps you interpret those morals for daily living.
To some extent, that means determining the difference between right and wrong. On a larger scale, that means that morally, you have a personal code of conduct that you always adhere to, even if it’s inconvenient, and even if your situation is complicated.
You don’t just follow morals because you have to. You follow them because it helps define who you are and what you represent. It’s your life’s programming, your conscience, and your everything in life.
When we talk about “Ethics” we’re talking about something similar, but different in one sense. Whereas your morals are personal to you, ethically means you acknowledge the standards of right and wrong as put forth by society.
You don’t just know the law, you respect the laws and why they were written just so.
You also don’t just follow the law because you have to. You also pay attention to the standards and practices of good and altruistic people in your community.
You’re not oblivious as to the morals and ethics of other people, and the differences that may exist internationally. You are not just a good citizen but are also conscientious in dealing with other people.
This is what makes you attractive to a mature man looking for love. He recognizes your morals and ethics in everything you do, not just telling him you’re a good person, but showing him in little things every day.
He falls in love with a woman who has good values. Ethically, of course, he respects a woman who follows the law and doesn’t try to get away with criminal activity.
But he’s even more impressed when you have a strong moral center and would actually avoid doing anything that’s immoral or illegal to your own personal code of conduct.
Cheating, for example, is not illegal in the United States. But morally speaking, it’s a big deal.
You wouldn’t hide behind legal innocence and say something like “I didn’t cheat but I did have extramarital sex that was NOT technically cheating because…”
That’s clearly a legal defense, a loophole, and not backed by a strong moral center.
A person with a mood moral conscience would say, “I don’t cheat because I feel it’s wrong and because I don’t want to violate my partner’s trust.”
That is a huge deal to a man who wants to trust you. You give a good reason to trust when you’re a moral and ethical person.
So what was the final vote on that old argument anyway? Do successful and handsome men admire intelligent women? Or do they just want a woman who always agrees with them and looks beautiful?
I think the best way to answer that is to say there’s a little of both in both viewpoints.
Yes, absolutely men admire intelligent women.
IF… (and you know there has to be an IF if I’m keeping this real!)
…That man is highly intelligent himself. A smart guy is NOT intimidated by a smart woman. A not-so-smart guy? Umm yeah, I think we can all agree on that.
But there’s also another aspect to that.
Intelligence can be separated into two categories: book smarts and emotional intelligence, or what we might call maturity.
Maturity involves more than just book smarts. Maturity involves wisdom and life experience. You’ve taken in a lot over the course of your life, from books to the wisdom of others, and a lot of it from making mistakes and learning an important lesson.
You’ve learned how to read people. You’ve learned how to discuss complex issues like an adult and control your impulses. You’re not easily manipulated by others because you’ve already seen and heard a lot in your lifetime.
This is the kind of people smarts that just accentuate book smarts and make you very attractive to an equally intelligent man.
On the other hand, there is such a thing as a smart woman who intimidates smart men - mainly because she’s “book smart”, but NOT people smart.
You might say this type of person doesn’t believe in working together as a team. Maybe she thinks she’s smarter than the guy she’s dating, so she doesn’t give him any respect for his intellect, or even his opinions. She’s lecturing him more like a professor than a partner.
But remember what we’ve been saying about the male ego. Men are sensitive. And while they’re certainly not easily intimidated, they can always take a hint and sense if a woman doesn’t value their personality.
So the bottom line is, if you’re incredibly smart and meet a very smart man, can you co-exist? Can you be on each other’s team and welcome his viewpoints because you like him? It’s not a competition of intellect. It’s an equal friendship and sometimes people forget that.
Good listening really is a skill, and it’s one that many people are forgetting to learn in such a fast-paced online culture. But we have to remember that good listening is the cornerstone of any relationship. It’s the building blocks of marriage and family.
Good listening not only helps you minimize and resolve conflict, but it also allows you to learn your partner and anticipate their thoughts and their actions. When you pay close attention to someone you can figure out their motivations, their fears, passions, and desires.
How valuable would it be if you could read the mind of your partner and pick up on all their hidden thoughts? Well, what if instead of using a super power, you actually just noticed things about him and listened closely to what he was saying?
Taking mental notes, based on the conversation you have, you can basically get the sense of what he wants and what’s he’s probably thinking.
One common mistake made in dating is that one partner is too busy focusing on him or herself, rather than listening to what their date is saying.
They may nod. They may look into the person’s eyes…shortly before zoning out and forgetting what was discussed.
Why do people do this?
Sometimes a person can be infatuated with their partner’s beauty and will zone out just gazing at them. Sometimes a person is just self-absorbed and figures it’s his partners’ responsibility to impress him. And yes, some people are so worried about how they look on a date, they worry so much they don’t even remember the conversation. They just hyper focus on trying not to make any mistakes.
But does all this negative energy really contribute to making good conversation? No.
Even “waiting to talk” can be a problem, since it’s not the same thing as listening. For example, you may be so amused at your next witty remark that you simply hold your tongue, waiting for the right time to finally speak your piece.
You hope that he will like your remark. Sure, what’s wrong with that?
But are you holding your tongue, waiting for the right moment to speak, instead of actually listening to him and getting the point?
He’s talking for a reason. He’s sharing something big right now, even if it seems like he’s just rambling. It’s more important to listen and let him share his opinion than it is to follow up with something really funny or interesting.
When you listen, you’re not just being nice. You’re empathizing with him and building trust. Don’t sacrifice that emotional intimacy for a chance to shine. You’ll have plenty of time to laugh and flirt later on, as trust builds.
Now is a milestone in the relationship, one where you show him that you’re always ready to listen when he speaks.
It’s amazing how many miserable people will tell you to your face (or even scream at you!) that they are, in fact, VERY HAPPY and how dare you question their happiness!
This illustrates an important principle. When it comes to defining happiness, it really is a state of mind, and it’s NOT achieving something, or waiting for the perfect set of circumstances to fall into place.
A wise man named Aeschylus once said, “Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times.”
A person cannot be made happy, no matter how rich they are or how many great things they’ve done in life. Happiness should be your default state of mind, regardless of whether it’s a great day or an average day.
And NOT because you’re doing it because that’s what a positive person should do, or you’re trying to act “successful” so that people will believe it. That’s the fake kind of positivity that everyone makes fun of, and it’s nothing like that.
Being happy is simply a choice, that you’re not going to let circumstances, or the actions of other people, decide your mood. When a person is happy inside that means they have an appreciation for life, a list of enjoyable things to do, and they’ve left all their worries for tomorrow. They practice being happy and grateful in the moment.
That’s the attitude a happy person chooses to have and nothing changes that positive state of mind. When bad things happen, that sucks, but that doesn’t have to bring you down to depression or anger, or other negative qualities. You decide how you react to things.
When you feel genuinely happy, you are open-minded, and curious, and you’re also fun to be around when talking to others. Positive people attract other people. It’s attractive to men, and especially men who share the same positive outlook on life.
Negativity is not only contagious, but it has a very strong projection that tends to push people away. Negative attitudes show on your face, in the way you talk, and in the conversations, you have with other people.
When you’re happy, on the other hand, it shows. Your smile is brighter and your voice draws people to you. Your interested face gets people talking, asking questions, and maybe even sharing their thoughts and feelings.
Why do you think some people have that kind of face - where people think they’ve met you before, or instantly start talking about their lives, in hopes of starting a conversation?
It’s because you project a happy energy, and that’s what people like.
And that’s what a man likes in a partner, because he doesn’t want a project to fix for a relationship. He wants to feel valued and appreciated. He wants to live life and have a good time. He does NOT want to save a woman, or to improve her, or to give her a reason to live.
That’s why a marriage is built on an equal partnership - two independent, happy, and respectful mates that make each other smile every day. They’re both two happy souls that thrive off of each other’s positive energy.
That is the number one quality that every man wants in a mate, and I guarantee you one thing. Every millionaire or billionaire out there is probably looking for happiness, not a perfect 10 physically.
A successful man wants a successful wife, and someone who can remind him how GOOD life is, and what a great time everybody’s having. A happy wife keep things fun in the relationship. They keep things funny. They find a reason to laugh and a reason to smile, even if your day wasn’t that great.
That’s a mindset that’s so valuable, men (especially men who haven’t figured out the secret to happiness) are willing to pay top dollar for it. For you, to teach them how to be happy.
But I hope you’re one step ahead of me here. Don’t marry a rich man who has no idea how to be happy and is counting on you to show it to him. Find a successful man who is already happy and I promise you are going to have a much easier road ahead.
Now that we’ve reviewed the Loving Wife qualities (a sort of top 5 qualities feminine qualities that men look for when they’re serious about marriage) it’s time to review some other aspects of femininity.
Now it’s not necessarily that these next five qualities are all about sex or lust. It’s a little bit deeper than that. But it’s safe to say that a lot of women forget about these “other” five feminine qualities that men find irresistible - and very hard to quit.
Let’s review them one by one and then discuss how you can keep cultivate these mysterious feminine qualities without going “too dark” and scaring him away.
There are a lot of benefits to letting a man lead...
Investment... the more invested he is, the more he'll feel like he doesn't want to let you go.
Red Flags... if he's pursuing you, leading things, and moving things forward, you know that he's interested in you.
When women lead, men naturally just lean back and allow the woman to do everything for them.
The problem is if he loses interest or wasn't ever interested from the beginning...
Because most men will allow women they aren't even that interested in to do all the work, lead everything, and invest BECAUSE they're getting their emotional and, often, physical needs met without needing to do anything.
This could go on for months... or even years... without him letting you know he isn't serious about you the entire time.
SO... that's a red flag you don't want to miss.
Actions... do you want to know that he's into you?
What's the best way to know if a guy is into you?
His actions will show you... he'll pursue you
He'll come up with things for you to do...
He'll take you out on dates...
He'll lead things...
This shows you he likes you and values you enough to put energy, effort, and time into planning, leading, and following up with you.
Polarity... this also creates a polarity between you.
It's attraction... the best attraction that lasts a lifetime.
As long as there's sufficient polarity, he'll desire you as a woman.
Letting him lead is one of the best things you can do.
But sex isn’t everything. In fact, if you really want a man to obsess over you then don’t bother having sex with him yet. Instead, focus on being a complete enigma to him.
Men are drawn to mysterious women like moths to a flame, you might say. A man may even pride himself on being a good communicator, and maybe an “expert on women.” (Hey I don’t claim to be an expert, just a dating coach!)
So imagine how curious a guy would be about a woman he CAN’T figure out, despite his intelligence and good people skills.
It’s not that you’re rude to him or flippant. That’s not very attractive to a guy. But he does notice that you’re friendly, not clingy. You’re interested in him, but don’t need him to have a good time. You may seek him out for a conversation, but you don’t have a great desire to follow up about anything.
He tells you everything. You tell him…nothing. You just don’t have the desire to tell him your life story because it’s not really his business. (At least not yet) You’re friendly and talkative and yet you keep things to yourself. Now that’s a skill worth cultivating.
Instinctively, he must get to know you. You’re like a riddle he wants to figure out, and you’re not going to make it easy. Why would you? You like him being interested in you and working harder to “unravel” the mystery of you.
And that’s part of the essential philosophy of being feminine and mysterious.
Men are givers and women are receivers.
Women “receive” because they have a high feminine energy. Feminine energy enjoys “receiving” because she desires a unique experience (or new ideas, new information, etc.) when interacting with new people.
Men tend to “give” because their masculinity is all tangled up in what they can provide for a woman. So it’s easy to understand that men desire to give attention to women, and in particular, they want to impress a beautiful woman who captures their imagination.
The feminine mystique enjoys receiving so much, she only rewards the male presence who seeks to “give”, based on his effort and determination. She doesn’t “give” to him, because that ends the game. Once she starts giving to him, he loses his natural curiosity.
She’s cooperating so much that they are both giving and no one is receiving. So if you want to keep the mystery alive in your relationship, especially when you’re first dating, spend more time listening to him and rewarding him with attention and affection - but NOT giving him any answers that he hasn’t earned yet.
Consider all of your information as “high price and valuable data” that can’t be shared with just any random guy out there. He has to prove to you that he deserves to know the real you, and that requires some time investment. He must “crack” the riddle.
Fortunately, he loves to solve riddles and you’re going to get along great!
It’s kind of a paradox that bad or toxic girlfriends usually have low self-esteem but ridiculously high standards.
Well low self-esteem, of course, is a relationship killer. But the fact that they DO have high standards (even if they’re somewhat unrealistic) DOES manage to attract more men to them.
The fact of the matter is women who have a high sense of self-worth and strong standards that she lives by, is NOT NOT NOT NOT afraid to say goodbye to a man that falls short of those standards.
And that really is a big deal!
I can’t even begin to tell you how many friends and associates I’ve watched get married, have a good life going, but then the guy starts violating her trust and boundaries little by little over time. You might say “He crosses a line” in very small ways for as long as he can get away with it. Then he escalates.
And what does she do? She tolerates it. She makes excuses for him. She forgives him or figures it’s not a big deal. Because love forgives all things, right? Hmmm…maybe it shouldn’t.
But you see, that’s why the bad girlfriend wins this round. Because she’s not afraid to walk away. She’s not even afraid to piss off her Very Important Boyfriend, because he disappointed her. He didn’t live up to her standards and now she unceremoniously dumped him, because she doesn’t value him more than her own happiness.
Now granted, toxic girlfriends do take things too far.
But that confidence, you see, that commitment that she has to HERSELF (and not him) is the strongest force in the relationship. The guy can’t walk away from her, because he knows he can’t control her, and that she is NOT going to bend over backward to keep him.
She has enough self-respect to know what she deserves and she is not going to settle for a guy who falls short of what he promised. Is that a killer instinct? I’d say more like just a good head for self-preservation.
Once you figure out your high standards and your deal breakers, do NOT compromise, no matter what the guy says. Because once he senses that he has all the power in the relationship and that you follow along with whatever he says (even if he’s deliberately being a jackass) the dynamic will never be the same ever again. It won’t be based on love. It’ll be based on him taking advantage of you.
You have to put a stop to that as soon as it happens.
The good news is that a smart, kind and self-confident man won’t play this game with you. He will not violate your boundaries or ignore your standards.
You DO have to make your standards clear at the beginning, yes. But once he sees who you are, and what you need from him, he will show you the proper respect.
And the guy who fails the test? Get rid of him. He’s a poser. Any man who laughs at your standards will also laugh at your pain.
A sense of humor was alluded to earlier when we talked about playfulness. But having a great sense of humor is slightly different than just being happy or playful. This actually involves learning a person’s sense of humor and then finding common ground with them.
Let’s face it, if you can learn a man’s sense of humor, not only are you “mirroring him” and showing him how compatible you are. But you’re also finding a key to learning his motivations. What makes him laugh? Does he have a dark sense of humor or is he witty and droll? What does he laugh at on social media or on TV?
Here’s another reason why bad girlfriends get all the great guys. She’s not afraid to make her boyfriend laugh. First, she learns what tickles his funny bone and then she keeps tickling it, almost forcing him to laugh against his will.
In fact, to HER, laughing together is more important than serious relationship talk. She’d rather cut up and laugh herself silly, than talk about un-fun things, or how to fix the world, or whether they should get married someday.
When you can laugh with someone, you are truly experiencing the MOMENT with them. Nothing more. Just being in the same moment and laughing at the same thing.
Men love to laugh. Even better, they love it when you meet them on the same level, and can actually share funny things together.
If you can make him laugh no matter what is going on life, it’s almost like speaking a secret language that only he can understand. The inside jokes, the running gags, the whole “I thought of you when I saw this” connection are really going to show him what a fun date you are.
Finally, the last quality - and something I’ve noticed about many “bad girlfriends.” And you might say, yet again, it’s something that they got right, but that some mature and intelligent women still don’t get about relationships.
And that is, a man CANNOT be the center of your life. I know that sounds confusing, especially when you’ve seen marriages that last which are seemingly built on self-sacrifice and two people that love each unconditionally.
True…at least on the surface.
But I’ve always found that the happiest couples are the ones who are not hyperfocused on each other, but instead, they’re couples who live their own separate lives…and yet come together for love at the end of the day. And that’s why the dynamic works. You’re both happy, you’re both successful people. You don’t NEED each other but you enjoy each other’s company.
And that provides a strong sense of balance that keeps the relationship strong.
Because if you center your life around a man, and making a perfect marriage, then you’re less focused on yourself. You put yourself in a secondary and submissive position.
Suddenly, you’re not worried about achieving your dreams or your ambitions.
You only care about him, and about building his dream marriage and family.
But that’s not what he wants! He wants an equal partner and not a life manager.
So it shouldn’t surprise you to know that one of the first things a man notices about a woman is her career, her charity work, her social causes, her creativity, and her hobbies.
You know what he doesn’t notice - or doesn’t even think about? The woman’s potential as a marriage mate. Her wifely and motherly qualities which will be good for his future children. Her homemaking skills and her submissive personality. Why this woman would make a fine wife for me!
No, not at all! In fact, it’s very likely only Gaston from Beauty and the Beast thinks that way.
More than anything, a man wants to be IMPRESSED with you, to see you as something wonderfully different from every other woman he’s met.
He loves your spirit of independence. He loves how seriously you take your job, or your passions in life, and how devoted you are to that.
He loves your imagination and seeing your skills and abilities in use. He wants to brag (just a little bit) about just how successful you are and what you do in life. That’s the woman he first noticed and had a strong attraction to.
So abandoning that version of you, and trying to become his perfect wife, is a self-sabotaging experiment.
And yeah, every bad girlfriend he’s ever had (but still obsesses over) is probably some career-oriented woman who had passions GREATER than just a relationship with him.
Maybe she was a singer, an artist, an executive, or an entrepreneur. But her personal identity was so strong and confident, there was NO WAY she was ever going to give up her life for him.
She loved herself enough to know that she had to stay true to herself. She wasn’t commitment-phobic, BUT she knew commitment was a serious thing not to be rushed. She had to find a way to reconcile HIM and HER LIFE that was completely independent of him.
So I ask you, can both co-exist as equals? Can you build a life for yourself while still making time for him, and the family he can give you? Do you cherish him the way he is now, and does he cherish you for being uniquely YOU?
Passion means everything. The drive you have for personal success and the more you love yourself and your life that you have worked so hard to build, THAT’S what fires up his attraction for you.
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