How to Create Emotional Intimacy With Him

If you’ve tried talking things over with your buddy, but he is always defensive or standoffish, then it’s time to change the approach. Your first instinct might be to battle him or browbeat him until he comes out. Good cop, bad cop, right?

Wrong. The more you contest with him the stronger he will become and the more he will withdraw emotionally. You must learn to cooperate with him in a way that benefits the BOTH of you. Let’s discuss seven strategies for how to earn his trust and get him excited about sharing.

1. Reintroduce the FUN of intimate conversation.

Remember that intimacy starts with just a simple Question & Answer session. If you sense that he never talks with you anymore, then don’t guilt him about it. Instead, start being prolific—volunteer to give personal information and then ask him to do the same. Chances are, he likes this Truth or Dare type questioning. He just wants to see you admit certain potentially embarrassing things before he does.

Always think in specifics when it’s time to talk about issues in the relationship. The absolute worst thing you can do is be vague or “hint around” at something that should be crystal clear.

Don’t complain or try to place blame either way. Instead, focus on what you both need to be happier and to have the emotional intimacy you both crave. Sharing how you feel is a MUST and the both of you should try to be open-minded and calm when sharing.

But the POINT of sharing is not to simply vent, but to focus attention on what you both need from each other. What do you want to be happy? Have you thought about this? Has he? Or are you stuck on level one, where you’re both just angry about things you don’t like?

2. Shatter taboos in conversation.

This is not just about sex but about all emotion. Many couples have what are considered “Taboo Topics” – things they never bring up with each other because of fear of conflict. But this is what you should be discussing so that you don’t develop a habit of avoiding anything too HONEST. Honesty is good. Honesty is what starts the process of negotiation—what you want, what he wants, and what you can both live with.

I highly recommend discussing ALL things so that you can both learn your boundaries and better understand what you need to be happy. Discuss your fantasies with each other—sexual fantasies, dreams, career hopes, future goals, and so on. Discuss as a couple what appeals to you and what does not. This brings everything out in the open and immediately helps you both to confide in each other and understand each other on a more instinctive level.

3. Ask your partner about his love language and make sure he understands yours.

Love language refers to the unique ways we convey love and other positive emotion. If he has a different way of communicating love than you do, you both might be doing great in opening up and becoming intimate…

And yet, neither of you even realizes it! This is why it’s good to review your expectations and hopes about what specific things your partner should do for you (and vice versa). Reassure each other, express how you feel, and do it in such a way where you know it will be noticed.

4. Be more polite on a daily basis.

Taking another person for granted is where resentment begins. This is why taking more time to provide thanks, and asking for permission, goes a long way in an intimate relationship. If a man feels it’s his obligation to work, to do various household chores, and so on, then he’s less inclined to do it. He may even be wondering if you appreciate all of his hard work. Saying your “please” and “thank you” will let him know he’s appreciated…and will motivate him to communicate love too.

5. Become vulnerable in his presence.

This may well be something that comes easily in dating, but can be more difficult in a committed relationship. If you don’t entirely trust your partner, or if intimate communication has been lacking, your instinct is to be cautious. But this is the opposite of what works. Becoming more vulnerable in his presence is what helps.

It’s an emotional aphrodisiac! Ideally, you both want to protect each other. So revealing your true feelings, a precious memory, or anything you want to “keep safe” with your partner, may open his heart to you.

Not only does this mean being loving and expressive in the moment, but it also requires the both of you being RESPECTFUL later on. You don’t use these feelings of vulnerability to hurt your partner. You respect him enough to safeguard, to protect, that moment when he shared something important with you. These are the little moments that build trust.

6. Make more of an effort to be transparent.

Don’t underestimate the power of transparency—meaning the “open book” approach to a relationship. Many couples have a very closed-off sense of “mind your own business” when it comes to a relationship. This actually creates trust issues with many couples, when you fail to include them in these various daily activities.

If you’re laughing at something why not let him know what’s funny? If someone hit on you at work, laugh about it later on. Having this “no secrets” attitude helps build trust. In order for it to work, however, you must be honest with each other and not take offense if your partner tells you something different than the norm. Prove you can handle his views and feelings and encourage more honesty, rather than insisting he always be nice and romantic, and so on.

What you want is his honest opinion—this is what emotional intimacy is. It’s not saying the “right thing.” It’s about having that freedom to be honest and knowing your partner is always there to listen. You can find greater emotional intimacy with your partner by adjusting your strategies to fit him. With a little effort, you may be surprised at how much he reaches out to you!

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About The Author

Matthew Coast

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1 Comment

  • Katalin Kovacs

    Reply Reply July 8, 2018

    Can I get the guy I rejected back?

    I had two dates with a guy from my gym. He was an amazing company but I wasn’t interested in him than. I have pushed him
    Away and told him it’s someone else I like.
    Since I have realised he is an amazing guy and have asked him out but he has turned the offer down. I have stepped back we are chatting in the gym and joking around but he has no interest in me. (Think his got eyes on a girl from outside the gym)
    Can I get him back or try to move on? It’s pretty hard as he has been showing great support to me when needed comfort and always nice but noting more.
    His very closed to his ageing mother who he worries about a lot. I haven’t meet her but should I offer to take her out for a coffee perhaps?
    Thank you

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