I honestly can’t think of any relationship coach, well known or otherwise, who advocates the “go and smother that man to death” approach.
I’ve never seen it done! It’s just not natural behavior. When you first learn that what you’re doing is rubbing someone the wrong way, the first reaction is usually not to go, “Hey let me try even harder!” It’s just not the default position.
So all things considered, the idea of us “trying even harder” in love shouldn’t make any sense. Yet, it FEELS natural when you’re panicking or reeling from a bad breakup. You might even feel desperate to recreate the romance you lost – accepting any terms, even if those terms aren’t fair to you. You’re bargaining with him, you would do anything to have him interested in you again.
Understandable, but again, it’s a FALSE instinct, a self-defeating plan that feels right, but is logically wrong.
When someone pushes us away the natural reaction should not be to grab that person and hold on even tighter. When we panic, we don’t think logically. We react emotionally and that’s what drives wedges between people and stresses relationships.
When a man ends a relationship or wants to “take a break” or does anything negative, the only logical thing to do is to back away as he has indicated he wants you to do. Not only is it the smart and strategic thing to do, it’s just the polite thing to do. The kind and human thing to do.
Once he sees that you have respected his wishes and given him the independence he wanted, THAT is when you have a choice to regroup and try to win him back, or just let him go.
Let’s assume then that you want him back and that you HAVE obeyed the “No Contact Rule”.
Before we discuss the next step, let’s review the full list of NO CONTACT rules and the reason I stress it is because many people I talk to break the rules and then can’t seem to understand why the no contact rule doesn’t work. You have to apply all of these items if you want the effect to work! Here we go:
- No physical contact
- No phone calls
- No texting or chatting
- No webcam chat
- No social media interaction and that DOES include liking his cool photos
- No accidental meetings (which are caused by you showing up where you figure he might be)
- No stalking him online, in person, or in any creative way
Call it a detox list. If you want to break the cycle of NEEDING HIM and want to restart the relationship on new terms, detoxing from him is necessary. Not only does it get his attention (it INSTANTLY makes him miss you) but it also allows you to get back that control, get back your confidence of existing without him.
I know it’s hard but this is the first step and it WILL change the entire dynamic in your relationship. For the best results, the no contact period should last several months, even a year if necessary. Stop replying to him entirely UNTIL he starts to make contact with you. If you leave the ball in his court, he will usually reach out to you in 6-12 months. That’s enough time to focus on rebuilding your self-confidence and healing from the harmful emotion involved in a breakup.
Why No Contact Works
While you are battling the “shakes” of a breakup (and thinking crazy thoughts like begging him to get back together) try to remember WHY no contact will always work better than negotiating with your ex.
- You need to detox from the PAIN, not just him.
Breakups do warp your perception of happiness because of the pain involved, not to mention if there’s a dysfunctional element. Detoxing is not about teaching him a lesson. It’s about healing and taking some time off to address issues within yourself. Being alone allows you to process all the stages of grief, as well as opening yourself to new perspectives and opportunities that you’ve never considered.
- Distance lets you view things in “hindsight”.
Objectivity is lacking in new breakups. That’s why we also caution people, don’t “rebound” by jumping into a relationship before you’re ready. Objectivity comes with time – when you have time to think things over, away from the harsh emotion and painful memories of the breakup. Then you can better analyze what actually went wrong in the relationship, rather than just blaming yourself or just blaming him. This will help you to avoid making those same mistakes in the future.
- It allows him to miss you.
If you aggressively reach out to him, he will never miss you. He cannot miss you because you always offer your attention before he requests it. He will always take you for granted if you keep showering him with attention, even if he doesn’t earn it.
- It spares you from the pain of “losing him”.
The breakup will be painful enough. But the stage of “losing him” (particularly to another woman) WILL drive you slowly mad! You have to separate yourself from that terrible source of energy. Allow him his freedom. Do your own thing. Let him feel what life will be without you. Don’t check up on him. Overanalyzing the minutia of his life is just going to poke your own feelings of jealousy. The best way to get over those feelings is to avoid all “news” of him like the plague.
- It lets you work on yourself and create a new and improved version of you.
Most importantly, remember that taking a no contact break lets you focus on self-improvement. Change the things you don’t like about yourself. Build a better and more successful you so that next time, you know your value. You have high confidence. Let him know he will have to work for you if he wants a second chance and things will be different.
The no contact rule will always work because not only is it proven to work with men, it is also giving him what he wants…and reminding him of what he lost.
The 5 Word Phrase That Destroys a Man’s Love For You And Drives Him Out Of Your Life
There’s a simple 5 word phrase that will destroy any man’s love for you and drive him out of your life completely…
It usually comes out as an honest question when you want to connect with him…
But only serves to push him away and slowly kill your relationship from the inside out…
It can take a man who is filled with love and passion for you…
And make him feel cold, distant, and uninterested…
Have you figured out what it is yet?
Many women send this as a text message when they’re feeling insecure…
And then are confused why he suddenly pulls away and disappears completely…
Most of the women who ask it don’t even know how harmful it is…
Yet it can take a relationship that seems like it’s perfect…
A relationship where you feel loved, cared for, and like you’ve finally found “the one”…
And overnight, it can tear that relationship apart…
Leaving you confused, frustrated, and heartbroken…
If you don’t know what this simple yet seemingly innocent question is…
I want you to stop what you’re doing and go watch this video presentation that I put together for you at the link below…
Click here to watch the video now <<
My name is Matthew Coast and I’ve been teaching in the dating industry on since 2005…
I’ve helped hundreds of thousands of women, all over the world…
Get into relationships where they feel loved, seen, and cherished by the men they’re with…
When you click the link this link right here <<
I show you what this 5 word phrase is…
I’ll teach you about why men pull away, how to stop it from happening…
And how to attract the man you want…
Into a relationship where you’re loved and adored and treated like a priority…
No matter how painful things have been in your past…
You can attract a great man and have a great relationship…
Just click the link on your screen and the watch the video right now…
If you’re struggling with men pulling away from you…
If you’re tired of giving everything to a relationship and only being taken for granted…
And if you’re ready to have a man see you as a woman that he wants to be with forever…
This is really great full I feel humbled