Love – sometimes you just know when it’s real. You feel chemistry. You feel joy, intimacy, trust, and romance. You’ve even asked yourself, “Is this infatuation?”
Of course not, because it’s not about sex or physical beauty. It’s about his personality, his soul, and everything unique about him. You fall in love with him every time you interact. It’s a happily ever after ending for sure!
And then…well one day it all goes horribly wrong! It’s like a terrible nightmare. The man you thought you knew has a dark side and one that you never saw coming.
You’re left feeling confused, heartbroken, and almost like you’re thinking, “Is this even real? Am I dreaming?”
How can the man you love, even over months or years, turn out to be someone completely different than you thought he was?
The problem is not with you. The problem is that fake love is very difficult to spot when you’re first dating and all the more so, if you’re not used to dating narcissistic personalities. And why would you be? Nobody intentionally signs up for fake love.
But people who give fake love just happen to be very good at what they do. So in this discussion, we’re going to talk about what fake love looks like and feels like through eight specific signs.
1. He love bombs you in the beginning then grows increasingly more bitter.
You can always spot a fake love relationship based on the progression. When you first meet someone, it’s not normal to get love bombed. Relationships progress, they eventually escalate over time. Romance follows courtship, dating, and being friends. When someone jumps into an intense, sexual and romantic relationship that feels like a fairy tale romance beware.
2. He never meets you halfway. You always have to make him happy.
Men are never more in love than when they’re chasing the woman they want. They feel empowered and passionate, not just when they win her over, but through the entire courtship.
If your crush or your ex has always been reserved, never really interested in chasing you, but just responding to your attention, then that’s not a good sign.
It seems like you’re the one making him happy, bending over backwards to coddle him, and being satisfied with VERY LITTLE that he actually does for you. The sad thing is, the dynamic usually never changes. He never becomes that 51 percent guy. He stays at 40 and then goes to 30, always making you work harder for love he can’t give you.
3. He is emotionally distant… and it feels like he doesn’t care about you.
Do you ever feel neglected? Do you ever think to yourself, “He really doesn’t seem to care about me at all?”
You think these things often, right before you push the thought out of your head. You make excuses for him. Or you figure it’s all in your imagination. He might even reassure you that he loves you. But there’s a very good reason you keep having those thoughts. Because you notice the emotional distance he keeps from you.
4. You have changed your personality completely to get along with him.
It’s sad how many women will change just to please a man who is only half-heartedly interested. But what often happens is that a woman feels attraction and then falls for the fake love signals he puts out.
He doesn’t care about you – he simply wants to transform you into a type, an ideal, that is nothing like you. Maybe he wants a trophy wife, or wants to recreate his ex, or any number of disturbing scenarios. But a lot of guys will do this and will try to change you in subtle ways.
And as you age, you will find that the less you are like your “true self” the more miserable you become.
5. He doesn’t trust you and wants to control every aspect of your life.
Control freaks will tell you they love you. It’s alarming to hear it too because they sound sincere. But a codependent relationship like this is not about trust, but total domination and control.
In fact love bombing you with all these sincere moments is part of the fake lover’s MO.
6. You are never his priority.
No matter how hard you try, it seems like you’re never at the top of his list. He doesn’t do much for you. He’s content to let you slave for him, giving just the bare minimum.
He never fights for you…in fact, he’s always ready to give up the relationship, usually when he feels threatened or defensive. If a man is that resigned to a relationship, offering to end it rather than fighting for it, then that shows a complete lack of real love.
7. He has lost all respect for you.
Have you noticed he can be extremely cruel when he’s angry or doesn’t get his way? Making mean-spirited comments about you or making heartless statements (especially to or about your family) is a cruel thing to do. Whether he apologizes or not, it’s a boundary that a man should never cross.
If he says cruel things and then takes it back or apologizes (but never stops doing it) it shows that he’s lost respect for you. A man who doesn’t respect you or your most obvious boundaries will usually never change. If he knows he can get away with it, and knows you are enabling him (even when it hurts) it’s a vicious cycle that goes on and on.
8. He doesn’t understand you.
Finally, if you’ve tried so long to connect with him and yet he never understands you, or doesn’t even try, then it’s a go-nowhere relationship. It’s not hard to understand your partner, especially after months or even years of interacting.
We learn our mates. We begin to understand their perspective the more they share feelings and experiences. When a guy just never understands you and admits it, or shows it with his ongoing insensitivity, it’s a failure to connect.
It also shows an unwillingness to try. Your perspective is never important to him because the love he wants is always a priority. It’s not a mutually beneficial relationship.
In conclusion, besides these seven signs, another way to tell if the love you have is real is by analyzing how you FEEL in the relationship most of the time.
In fake love relationships, though there are a lot of good memories, most of the time you feel like a nervous wreck. You’re always anxious and high-strung, worrying about him or how he’s going to react.
In contrast, true love always makes you feel valued, cherished, and supported by your partner. He’s always interested in helping you, healing you, and protecting you, rather than getting his way all the time.
When you do find someone you’re compatible with, you immediately feel the difference and it’s a relationship that can last a lifetime.
What if “true love” could happen in four, simple steps?
Too good to be true? That’s what I thought, too.
Until I heard this story about an old woman from Prague…
When you think about lasting, life-long love… when you imagine passion that burns for decades… when you dream about a man who adores you…
… You probably don’t think about cobblestone streets in Eastern Europe. Or scientists with beakers and white lab coats.
But this weird story from Prague may be the secret to love that never ends. See for yourself:
If you’ve ever wanted your man to worship the ground you walk on, this is worth ten minutes of your time.
(I couldn’t put it down.)
Just click here for details:
Talk soon,
Matthew Coast
I am so distraught, I am empathic but can no longer trust my spidey senses. The past two relationships I have been in have been with a narcissist. I can’t take it anymore. I lost my daughter to a murderer in 2013, both my parents within 6 months of each other this year, and along the way 2 narcissists and a narcissist’s girlfriend took the first wonderful guy away. Thank God but it took me a long time to say that. The second guy really had me going. I was falling into the same trap. I just want to be in a relationship with me but at 53 I feel like I am running out of time to find someone. I am barely holding myself together. The older you get the harder it is to pull yourself together if you know what I mean. how can I be so wrong, I can not handle any more rejection or abandonment right now. please.
Colleen, sweetie, please just take a step back for awhile. You have had too much to deal with lately; you know that. And I’m sure your daughter is in your mind fairly often and it will be like that for a long time. Taking a few months for yourself, and to pamper yourself, should help a lot, and relieve some of this pressure. And you know you are the one pressuring yourself. You need to be a lot nicer to yourself, and get settled down a bit before you think of dating again — and hopefully not biting off more than you can chew, again. And you must feel strong, and confident, and whole within youraelf to consider dating. No one wants to date a perhaps neurotic looking and acting, nervous woman, who also looks kinda desperate. Slow down — you will save time in the long run, and not be so hard or mentally wearing on yourself. And just go with the flow, take your time, do not rush into anything or allow yourself to be rushed into anything (& pray to your guardian angel to help you find the perfect man for you. He is out there somewhere). Peace, babe.
Dear Matt,
I’ve been subscribed to you for over a year now. This one (article) describes my ex husband and last relationship to a T… but I did it Matt. I kicked the last guy like this to the curb after only a few months, not a few years and changed my attraction patterns. You’re spot on about the difference between fake love and real. I think I’ve found real love this time. I felt uneasy at first only because it’s been easy. No anxiety about what he thinks or how he’s going to react. No games trying to earn his attention. Just connection, understanding… and peace. It’s been six sweet months with the new guy and I’m looking forward to more. Thanks to you, I can tell this guy really respects me and wants to have a healthy, lasting relationship. Thank you, friend.
Been seeing my guy 9 months…long distance relationship 200 miles away… not met his family, sometimes doesn’t return my phone call for 5 days…. not even a birthday call on my birthday this month… turned up at my house Boxing Day for 5 days and didn’t know he was coming.. no gift and I bought all food and drink… different women texting him and calling him whilst here.. him saying all just friends….went home yesterday and today text me saying his card doesn’t work and can I pay for his just eat take away and he will transfer funds to me this morning …. just asked him for it as not got it yet and he says I’ll text u when I’ve sent it ♀️
He says he wants to marry me but I just feel I may be being used I just don’t know
Dont take this wrong Francesca, but i wouldn’t expect any money back or at least not for awhile.. and if he does, it will be about half of it. If a guy is into you he would want to do something for your birthday .. showing up unannounced could of been part of it or just an excuse to be there and crash for a few days cuz he had busy or plans a round your area, Otherwise what a poor gift indeed when it cost you money! He is a user and you are not his priority nor the only one he is using… if you never get the money back… getting him out of your life is the priced you paid and its much cheaper now than later if you allow him to continue to use you. Sorry. but you already know this is true.
Hi Francesca I have been through the same things I even married him. Getting divorce soon. He took me for granted still texting and says he love me but I’m not going back down there. Happens two time’s to me. I have learn my lessonn with guys. We have to
be careful and see what they say is true actions get to know them first . Just look after yourself be nice to yourself. Someone will come in your life. ❤
I strongly think that you’re being used. Period. Long distance for just mine months? And he goes without answering you for five days? He’s talking marriage to give you false hope so he can continue extorting you. What exactly is happening with his card, can he make it clear? Obviously he has other options if the card doesn’t work. I think you shouldn’t spend another cent on him. How about your card also developing a ‘problem’? It’s only a matter of time before he depletes your finances and hurt you more. If you ask me, take off.
Run as fast as you can please! You are being USED!
I seen this before. He is definitely using you. Please realize this. Love doesn’t hurt, and your hurting. Please take a moment and just love you some YOU. Go out and treat yourself, smile more knowingly it’s because your doing something to make you happy. Do this for weeks. Don’t answer his phone calls or respond to his texts. Be great Sis.❤️
Yes, you are being used. Full stop.
Don’t give him any more money, food or a place to stay. You will probably never get your money back from him. He is a USER. Chalk it up and block your phone number. He has behaved horribly. Don’t give him a chance to act like this with you. There are better people out there and even being alone is better than being used by someone with absolutely nothing to offer you.
I’m sorry, Francesca, but you’re spot on – you are being used. Run, don’t walk, away from this guy. You deserve better!
Dump his sorry ass. He is using you. DONT marry this guy. This will be your life.
Hi Francesca, Yes, this guy is using you and he has no respect for you. He has shown that by showing up unannounced to have you take care of him, as well as using you for your money and intimacy. That’s not love, that’s a thief of your heart and time. Don’t do the thing many of us women do – don’t make yourself responsible for him or his needs. Cut him off, block him, and take care of yourself, your time, your energy. You are supposed to be first in your life. That is not selfish, it is practical. Your intuition is telling you the situation is out of balance and you’re starting to feel the strain of being drained.
He’s saying he wants to marry you to keep you on the hook. This is cruel and totally selfish on his part. If he wanted to truly be a partner, he wouldn’t be ignoring your birthday, leave you hanging for 5 days, or talking to other women. If he really does want to marry you, it would only be so you would take care of him. Right now he’s literally testing you to see how much of his bullshit you’re going to take. How far can he go with you, will you ‘accept’ that he has multiple women he’s flirting with, will you pay for his meals and let him slide on paying you back? Pay attention to the next things he asks you for refuse and see how he reacts.
No matter how nice, kind, or loving he seems, that is just a mask. Don’t let seemingly ‘good’ social behavior fool you. Some guys have social skills down to a science because they know if they seem nice, they’ll get more out of you. This is wrong on so many levels, because this fake nice behavior gives you hope and makes you think that he really loves you in some way. He doesn’t. He loves what you give him, what you’ll do for him, how much you’re willing to deny your own needs. To guys like that, you’re just a tool, a means to an end, and there is no genuine love.
Instead of waiting to see what he’s going to do, test him yourself. Tell him something that you want him to do and see how he responds. Also, you have listed some things – tell him it hurt you he didn’t call on your birthday, tell him he needs to let you know before he shows up, tell him he has to bring some food next time he comes, ask him when he’s going to take you on a date. Then see how he reacts. I assume you’re looking for a partner. This man is a child who is just looking for a woman to take care of him. And the fact he’s still talking to other women means he’s still looking to upgrade. Take care of you, because this guy won’t. Self care will make you stronger and realize you don’t need this drain of energy in your life.
Best of luck.
I have been in a relationshup with a guy for 4 years and I have found myself relating to some of these points. I was wondering can a guy that gives fake love not know he is giving that? Sometimes he acts like it’s normal for his actions and I am left at a lost. We progressed pretty quick because in 2 years we have had 2 girls together. We live together but it’s like every time I hAve something to bring up to his attention he avoids it completely or gets mad saying I just want to start a fight.
Hi I’m in the same situation as you as wen I say something to my parner he always says I just want to start on him and I think hes giving me flause hope and fake love, I have been with him for 6 half years
Dear Matt just wanted to know I feel like he has drifted away by I like him and would like him to talk to me again
Why are there SO many men nowadays with narcissistic behaviors, personality disorders, bipolar illness and all sorts of depression, anxiety issues. Almost every man,why???
A lot of men say the same about almost all women… do you think almost all women have these problems too?
The older we are the more baggage we carry to our next relationship. If you don’t work on yourself and learn about how “current relationships“ work especially with technology it’s set you up for a world of hurt.
Because they are not being loved properly and still have pass traumas they haven’t escaped
I think people throw around the word narcissistic like it’s freakin’ confetti. Selfish, yes. I would agree that many men and women have selfish tendencies. I have been in toxic relationships that the man may have said the same of me. I could also say the same of them. When the relationship is real and right, it works. Two selfish people will struggle the entire time.
Dear Matt, after 3 months the guy says he is not excited in the relationship like it was before? What does that mean and he ends it saying he is not ready for a relationship?
I definitely feel like I’m in a fake love relationship. It sucks because in the beginning it was the best.. after years went by shit started to change, being more disrespectful calling me put my name never took me out with him always asked for money and my car no love affection or being touched i felt alone and not even acknowledged. It really sucks. He says he loves me, but never shows it and if he does, not a whole lot. I know what I have to do because I am worth alot more then what I’m getting from him
Amanda I know just what you are going through but my darling please get out of it and I know just what you are going through and there will be tears and heartache but you my baby are worth a whole lot more than that, he is using you and he will always use you for as long as you let him, run as fast as you can X
So question, if your husband is like this, a should you stay in thus marriage or handle it the best way you can?
Thanks
Hello Matt,
I’m married 15 years.
If I feel my marriage is like this, should I stay or leave?
Thanks
This passage explains a lot, I appreciate it.
I’ve been with my ex for 20 years
Left in 2017
We have 3 girls and he has a son from his forêt marriage
There was physical abuse first couple years then mental / verbal
Kids want nothing to Do with me
They are now 24,25,27 and son 36
All still live with dad
Zero respect
It’s hard as i still love him
But have to get divorce papers served
I’m a mess
Thank you for this information. I know I’m being used just didn’t want to acknowledge it. He love bombed me and I saw the signs when he flaked on me the first time we were supposed to meet. He’s flaked EVERY SINGLE TIME since then. Its been a year since he’s been getting money out of me to visit me. He was supposed to come for Christmas and I sent money to him to buy gifts for my kids. Its April and he still hasn’t gave them anything. I gave up on that a long time ago and am facing it that he is using me. The kids are older so they see it too but won’t say anything. Its no ones business especially not theirs and I’m finally growing balls to end it. Today is the first day I fought back for my own honor. I shot the facts and not my opinion and so far I wont answer his calls. I feel empowered and whether or not he reads my messages I still got it out. I feel better. Its not that he calls me names now and talks to me like I’m dumb but its about the way he lies and uses me for money. Actually its all these things that make me angry. I’m not dumb and I’m barely keeping myself alive financially. For him to not care about that means he doesn’t care about what happens to me as long as I keep sending him money when he asks for it. He says alot of things and doesn’t follow thru. That is the number one sign I think because actions speak louder than words. Yesterday he said something to me like this: Life has many paths some lead to dead ends.
Or something like that. To me he was telling me I’m in a dead end relationship with him. But he will deny it just to throw me off. Just talking about it makes me sick inside and I was wrong for helping someone like him. All I do is lose and I’ve even stole money from family to give to him and that makes me sick because he hasn’t gave me any money and he kept me hooked in this time by telling me he wants to keep the money sealed up that he has for us to start a new life. He asks me for money and just did it yesterday. I told him if I do this I want no more contact and he will lose me for good. Well I did and he didn’t get the money so I thought we were good but he goes and gets it at noon and since then its been non stop disrespect. I got called so many bad names and accused of committing sodomy basically. I wont feed into it and its getting worse but I did stand up for myself and for that I feel good. Then I read this. Now things are making sense. I feel more empowered and I want to share this feeling with all of you who need it. SISTERS WE ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN WHAT THESE SO CALLED ADULT MEN ARE SHOWING US. I hope whoever needs to hear this will realize that this happens to the best of us. I spent many years avoiding people who may use me but I still got trapped into their hands. We are a lot stronger than they make us out to be. Take your power back from guys that don’t deserve it. It can be done. I have yet to meet someone that will love and respect me. I’m holding out for him from now on. I’m manifesting strength to stay away from this guy who calls me bad things and expects money from me.
I understand exactly how you are feeling. I was stuck in this situation for 7 months, sending money for every problem he encountered and there were many supposedly. He needed to fix things at work before he could come to me!! He is in Germany supposedly and I am in Australia. I could kick myself for being such an idiot especially at my age. I ended the nonsense ten days ago and am trying to give myself some love and attention. Run like mad in the opposite direction, it’s the only solution
Thank you for sharing your story. Its very touching and eye opening. I wish you all the best and hope one day you will find the man that truely respect, love and care for you . Good Luck
Wow, wow, wow… so describes my last (15 year) relationship… he says he misses me, misses “us”.
He won’t get another chance. But how do I distinguish between real and fake love in the beginning stages, when they are acting like the ideal partner. It does feel real, but it obviously isn’t. I’m just really keeping my distance from men now, until I can crack this code.
Will I be single forever?