Now here’s an interesting question someone recently asked me at a seminar. It was actually quite the debate, since we were talking about traditional male and female roles, and someone posed a thought-provoking question.
A young woman said to me, “Why is it that ‘clingy women’ are such a negative stereotype?’ Why is it that men can be clingy and it’s somehow perceived as romantic…but if women do it, it’s their personality flaw?”
Well needless to say a bunch of other people chimed in and it made for a great conversation. No anger or argument, just a discussion.
It did get me to thinking, however, about the perception of clinginess and desperation and why it’s perceived as a turn-off.
First of all, we must understand there is no universal truth in conversations like this. While it’s true that the majority of men out there seem to despise clingy behavior, some men don’t mind it. Some men might actually be attracted to a woman who is clingy and possessive and wants to smother him with attention all the time. Good for them.
But in these dating classes, we are talking to the majority. So if we’re discussing clingy behavior from women, then we’re talking to the majority – we’re talking about what it is and why it seems to bother most men.
And yes, it’s true that there are some specific behaviors that one might describe as “clingy” but that actually ATTRACT men. I wouldn’t call them “positive clingy behaviors” because clingy has a negative connotation these days. Instead, I would call them intense behaviors, or maybe “sensual behaviors” – give it a more positive spin.
And believe it or not, the majority of guys out there would like these feminine ultra-behaviors – stuff that feels jealous or possessive, but is actually kind of sexy to a guy that’s into you. Let’s discuss five examples of clingy behaviors that actually tell a guy “This woman is good for me!”
1. You get upset whenever he takes you for granted.
While some women might punish him by becoming cooler or distant, it’s actually a smart strategy to SHOW him that you don’t appreciate being taken for granted. This is not just jealous complaining…this is standing up for yourself. And better yet, it’s showing him that you have boundaries and rules and that he ought to show proper respect. If anything, this “clingy” behavior is being kind to him. Rather than leaving him clues to figure out what’s going wrong in the relationship, you show him right away – “Hey bub, this is unacceptable!” And that’s okay. It shows you care.
2. You are forward when it comes to defining this relationship.
The idea that you should always “play it by ear” and never discuss commitment or the long-term future is an unspoken rule – meaning it’s not actually a rule. Some independent women do this by nature. But there is actually nothing off-putting from telling a guy, you know, “I want you to explain what this relationship is. Am I wasting my time? Are we eventually going to go our separate ways?”
In this case, you’re only being “clingy” in the sense that you’re telling him, “I like you and am wondering if I’m reading too much into this relationship.” It’s forward, it’s assertive, but it’s actually NOT off-putting to most guys. This will make a guy realize that he does want you to stay and that he probably would be unwilling to let you go and date someone else. You let him know that you’re on the market and will not wait for him if he has no serious intentions. That’s not clingy…that’s knowing your value. But the fact that you give him a chance to make this a serious relationship lets him know that you like him.
3. You want to spend time with him.
There is nothing wrong with spending time your beloved and enjoying the moments, the hours, the days, and years! What is important is making sure the guy also has enough time to be alone with his thoughts. But if he likes you, and is always in a good mood when you’re around, there is absolutely no reason to push him away – thinking that somehow that will win you points. Indulge him if you’re his favorite hobby. Let him know that the attention he gives you is always appreciated.
4. You touch him all the time – and you’re always ready for a makeout session!
I believe this is the area that most guys really don’t mind “clingy” behavior. In fact, most guys do wish women initiated sex more often. Most guys are OK with a woman who touches them freely, even throughout the day in a non-sexual manner. Men like soft grazes, hugs, kisses, and shoulder or back rubs. Just be sure he isn’t busy with another project before you touch him. He will be relieved to feel a human touch after a stressful day.
5. She is very, very interested in your life.
Hey, why is being head-over-heels in love with a guy and very curious about his life such a bad thing? A man who has never had a strong emotional connection with someone else, will never feel suffocated by a curious woman. It’s the art of conversation that’s important. Be curious and sincere but remember to give him some space and be patient. Don’t ask for too much too soon. Space it out generously, but never lose your enthusiasm. Chances are, no one has ever been this curious about him, at least emotionally and personally. With that knowledge, take your time. Follow his lead. He will never complain about having his #1 fan and soul mate!
As you can see, dating etiquette can be complicated at times, particularly when comparing different cultures or regions. What some see as clingy, others might see as just intense or exciting. The point is, you must always stop to consider the question: How is this making my partner feel? Is it making him feel nervous, frightened or uneasy? Then I have to stop!
Or is it making him laugh, blush and share more of his feelings? Then obviously, that behavior is working. All that really matters is that you:
- Understand the dynamics of male and female interaction
- Have the ability to read your partner and sense what he feels, whether it’s positive or negative
- Understand what behaviors convey love to men and what behaviors make them feel uncomfortable
- Change your strategy if you sense that your jealous or envious behaviors turn him off.
Figure out what he DOES enjoy and give him more of that! There’s nothing wrong with desiring intimacy and romance. Just be smart about it and focus on the positives of intense emotional connection, while avoiding the negative feelings of “clingy behavior.”
I appreciate your advice on keeping my relationship with my man thank you so much
I have a situation that I want to know how to handle & if this is acceptable.I would like to send in to you,how do I do this please?
Thank you as I am learning so much from your coaching emails Matt.
Girl me too 😛
Me too great guidance
How about if he has a new friend, someone he met about 2 months b4 you, you don’t mind them talking, but he feels it’s ok to meet her for breakfast or drinks if you are busy. You can come, but if you are busy he is still going. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, is that wrong? And he feels it’s being”petty”? I’m not jealous. I know he cares. It’s just something I don’t feel should be really even talking to her. If we are serious, I get his”old” friends. I don’t understand his need for contact with this person. For me, his attitude makes it make me want to quit.
Are you insecure? Do you trust him? Because he is going to do what he wants too regardless. Where there is no trust there is no LOVE
I see your point but l don’t agree that you cannot love someone because you have doubts sometimes. You can still truly love someone and sometimes feel in secure.
Whats Good for the Goose is Good for the Gander..You try connecting with an old flame..Its not insecurity ..If he can dish it out he can take it.
I have male friends as well as female and would not be expected to drop them for my man, he trusts me and I trust him, if you don’t have trust in a relationship then there’s no point in going on trust/respect are a main if not the top two needs in any relationship
Quit..if he’s into you he doesn’t need new women in his life !
I believe you should be up front with him if he is meeting this other lady friend. If he really cares for you, he will understand and not contact her for drinks or what ever.
In a relationship with a man for a year just he and I. He has planning on meeting a woman in December who was on the other side of the country who says it’s just a date. There won’t be any intimacy but there is an attraction. I’m feeling insecure about that. She is in Oregon. He is in Connecticut. He doesn’t want to make commitment to anyone but he and I are extremely close in every way. What do I do?
I feel a lot of these comments holds truth but I personally feel you are correct in how you feel
Hi Matt-
I love your stuff!
I have a question for you w/ a bit of a twist as my man(50) & I (46) have led a life prior to ‘dating.’ How can I send you this?
Thank you…I’m starting to see a man I’ve know all my life we dated in high school..he was in a very abusive relationship for 11 years I don’t want to scare him away but we talk all the time see each other on weekends..both work and live a little apart how can I let it be known I want him and only him..forever..were both in our 50s
I have learned a lot of valuable stuff from your books and messages . Thank you for providing such great information!
In a relationship with a man for a year just he and I. He has planning on meeting a woman in December who was on the other side of the country who says it’s just a date. There won’t be any intimacy but there is an attraction. I’m feeling insecure about that. She is in Oregon. He is in Connecticut. He doesn’t want to make commitment to anyone but he and I are extremely close in every way. What do I do?
Hi Matt
I have a slight problem I would like a males point of view on but I would like to contact you personally if can if not pls let me know how to contact you
Thks for your time
Hey Matt, so I’ve been super clingy, jealous and while sexy to my husband for over 13 years. He’s exactly the same with me. You know us very well, and we owe you a call back. Can you guess who this is?
I’m still single.
Hi Matt
I have a few issues going on and I to would like to speak with u if there’s away thank you
Hi Matt! I love your emails and I have learned so much from you. I would love some guidance on a potential long distance relationship with a mutual crush. Is it possible to to work with you directly? If so please send me a message. Keep up the great work!
I am in a long distance relationship and he just seems like he is not in to my like he was when we started talking and now it just seems like he gets upset with me if I don’t do whatever he asks me to do or if I can’t talk to him when I am at work but when I want to talk to him about something serious he changes are conversation or makes up something that he has to do is he really in love with me or am I just being used please I don’t know what to do because I love him but I don’t think that he feels the same way
Talking /texting is the focus of your contact. ask more questions? his interests first and then work in your interests. Ask his advice. What plans can you make to meet when he returns to the area? He may not feel the same now- but feelings can’t be as intense if only talk & text. See where the relationship can go.
Hi Matt. I often sit on the sidelines of your conversations. But now I’m confused. I’ve been in a ldr for two years. My man I live with now has 4 adult kids who cannot get their crap together long enough to live on their own. They’re always asking him for money or a place to live. He always helps them even tho I strongly disagree because I feel like they take advantage of me and my cooking and housekeeping ethics. I finally found good enough reasons to return to my home with him expecting me to return to him in a few more days. His adult kids are little jerks too. They take and eat whatever they want. My man says ohhhh it’s ok.. but it’s not ok to me and I’ve told him as much. I told him that there’s more time for drama than there is time for he and I. He’s laid back and always makes it up to me.. but I’m not sure if I can take the stress of his kid’s issues. He doesn’t discipline them and never has. WHAT TO DO, MATT?? No doubt he loves me. He’s an incredible man but his kids will be the end of him and me if he doesn’t start putting me first, instead of his adult kids.
I’ve recently have been seeing a guy 15 years younger than me I would see him Friday nights as I work during the week. It’s been going good he texts me about 3 times during the week asking how I’m doing. I never pursue the texting as I don’t want to come off as needy or clingy. Recently the last few weekends we haven’t seen each other for 2 weeks as he went away one weekend and the following I was busy but this weekend I was looking forward to seeing him which I told him but he said he was going camping all weekend. I was upset but didn’t not show it and told him to have a great time and I was busy as well and said well hope to see you again he responds OH YOU WILL….SUDDENLY Saturday night I get a text at 2:30am saying he just left the bar and wanted to come see me….So he lied about camping doesn’t text until the next day at 2:30am?? SHOULD I tell him I don’t appreciate being lied to?
Matt … Do you answer questions sent to you?
If you need a question answered, you should join The Forever Woman program – https://commitmentconnection.com/forever/
Very good article. It showed me that what we (my boyfriend and I) are doing, currently, is all right and actually helpful to our relationship. Thank you, Matt, for guiding us and showing us how to move in our relationships.