Why the Passion Is Disappearing (Or Gone) In Your Relationship

What does passion mean to you? To some, passion refers to sex and lust. To others, passion simply means strong and sincere emotion, as in something a person can barely control. Their enthusiasm and spirit for the subject, or for another person, is so strong that it’s not just an “interest”, but a passion.

So when most people ask, “Why is sex disappearing (or completely gone) in the relationship?”, one of the first things I have to wonder is, “Where has the passion gone?” Because passion is what first creates emotional connection and then lust and then love

Attraction is not really comparable to passion. When a man is attracted to a woman he might turn his head, he might even flirt a little bit. But eventually he forgets. Now when a man has a passion for a woman, he can’t forget her. He becomes obsessed with her and will do anything in his power to get her attention.

So where has that passion gone? Let’s consider six reasons why passion wanes over time and what couples can do to get it back.

1. Effort is minimal and so attraction has been lost.

Simply put, attraction is entirely based on effort. The passion your man first had for you was based on some serious effort that he was putting out there and serious effort that you were putting out there too. You were dressing up and looking good for men. He was trying harder to meet and interact with women.

But over time, you both started to take sex and love for granted and began minimizing your effort. You figure passion will always be there if you’re married or if you live together. But passion is not the byproduct of love. Passion is the direct result of the effort you put forth.

In your early marriage or living arrangement, you were still putting forth effort to look better, try harder and keep things interesting.

Effort is what will revive the marriage. It’s a simple equation of “cause and effect”, you see.

2. The future of the relationship is unclear.

One of the other things that kills passion is an uncertain future. As in, your future as a couple is a big question mark. Naturally, if one or both partners don’t feel that important sense of SECURITY, it’s difficult to open up. It’s difficult to put forth more effort and really try to please your partner, because you don’t want to invest too much in a failed relationship.

Now this shouldn’t cause for alarm. I’m not telling you that the relationship is doomed. Rather, it’s time for you and your partner to talk and communicate about where you see yourself heading in the near and distant future. Are your goals still compatible? Reassure each other that the relationship is solid and you will have more effort and passion in your lives.

3. Sex is not only routine…it’s a household chore.

Sometimes the problem IS just sex and not necessarily anything lacking in the relationship. You may get along great…everywhere except the bedroom!

What can happen is that when a couple first gets together, they become very excited with a specific routine of sexual foreplay. At first,f it’s exciting and titillating because it’s new. Over time however, this routine becomes boring because it’s so predictable and because the novelty of a new partner wears off.

A more creative approach to sex is the best solution if you’ve been following the same routine for years. You’ve never fully explored sex or each other if you still get by with the same sequence of three or four moves. Go where it’s unfamiliar. Try something new and even a little quirky. You may be surprised at how easily the sparks fly.

4. You find other things to do besides sex, intimacy, communication and even spending time together.

If you choose sleep over sex, things over talking, (usually away from your partner) and find reasons to avoid intimate communication, this could be part of the problem. The Scheduling time together is important, not just speaking of sex, but also communicating, cuddling, and simply being with each other. Otherwise, daily anxieties and work responsibilities WILL distract you. That’s what all these other distractions are there for, to occupy your time. This is why it’s very important to schedule time, or even entire days, to devote to bonding with your partner.

5. You don’t entirely trust him or vice versa.

While this may not always be an issue, in many couples it is. Sometimes we get a “sixth sense” about what a partner is holding back. If there was a prior argument, quiet resentment, or even infidelity, we can sometimes sense something about our partner and that may lead to emotional distance. That directly affects intimacy and in turn, passion and sex.

6. You are trying too hard to put effort into keeping up a routine and not actually exploring and venturing out.

You need new experiences, not new partners. The more you read in scientific research about passion and long-term compatibility, the more you realize that passion is closely linked with new experiences. In psychology today, one article suggests that the desire for variety is evolutionary and that one can simply not maintain passion in a long-term relationship at the same extreme volume for years on end, unless the marriage and lifestyle undergo a change.

This does not mean a change in partners, but rather a change or a constant “novelty” that you enjoy by undertaking new experiences. This doesn’t necessarily mean sex either. New experiences can mean living an exciting life, trying new things outside the house and outside the bedroom, and making an effort to have more fun in general.

As you can see it all comes back to effort: the effort we put in and the results we get from it. But it’s also effort in addition to understanding the need for variety and full trust. You can revitalize your sex life and your lost intimacy by focusing on pleasing your partner and keeping an open mind.

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Talk soon,

Matthew Coast

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About The Author

Matthew Coast

What's stopping you from meeting Mr Right and having the relationship you want? Click here to take the quiz.

2 Comments

  • Winnie

    Reply Reply January 16, 2019

    Thanks Matt but I was requesting if you can give more information on my email address about a man because am dating a man who is far away right now but i want to keep him thinking of me and only me and I want him to be obsessed with me again like before

  • Vee

    Reply Reply January 21, 2019

    Hello my name is vee. I was recently in a relationship that ended in disaster n I know I’m not emotionally ok yet.now I know this. But at the time I just wanted to move on..move forward n asc we usually a posible. I can’t believe how much it hurt to be in love with someone who doesn’t reciprocate. Anyway. My best friend-a guy- confesses to me that he has always loved me n not just in a friendly way. I have always felt strong emotional connection with him n therefore we have always messed around until I got married.we hooked up n our relationship has been going downhill ever since. It’s like we don’t even know each other sum days. We were best friends forever n now it’s like he doesn’t even like me. I’m lost.

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