Why do the men I like disappear or dislike me? What to Do When He Pulls Away?

What to Do When He Pulls Away (3 Steps That Always Work)

Here’s one of the worst dating misconceptions you will ever hear: “familiarity breeds contempt.”

I’m sure there are some poets that relate to that line, but frankly, it’s not applicable in dating. There is sometimes the belief – the one that says a man will eventually lose interest in a woman just because he gets bored with her or because he’s “conquered her”.

But I don’t believe it, or at least I don’t believe it’s true for the majority of men. (There are always some exceptions to the rule, of course)

But everything I know about men suggests that the REAL reason why they withdraw from a woman they like, is NOT because of familiarity and boredom, but because the woman CHANGES. She reveals herself to be someone he was not attracted to.

It happens all the time in relationships and it’s not a male-centric thing. It happens to women too. You think you know a guy…he seems reasonable, seems funny and successful. Then you find out, oh wait a minute. He’s a cheater. He’s got major anger issues. And he’s just pretending to be rich…he’s actually an unemployed chauvinist pig that lives in a halfway house!

Well this unpleasant “change” in personality is also noticed by men. Here’s the scenario.

He meets a strong, confident woman he really likes. But then he finds out, oh wait a minute! She’s extremely insecure. She’s clingy, she’s controlling and not at all who she seemed to be the first time I met her!

So it’s no wonder that he loses attraction, because he’s basically met two different people and he can’t quite reconcile how they are one in the same.

So is it familiarity that breeds contempt?

No, I say in most cases it’s misrepresentation. Or at the very least, disappointing the guy by revealing your weaknesses instead of your strengths.

What to Do When He Pulls Away

So if you really like this guy and you’ve noticed he’s backing away, and you don’t want to lose him, DO NOT follow your instincts. Instincts are usually the opposite of what we should do. Instead, remember these three points.

1. Don’t freak out – it’s perfectly natural for a man to back away. Give him space and don’t guilt him about it.

Men may “drift away” because of something you’ve done or frankly, just because they’re men and sometimes they’re bratty that way!

And it’s all okay. Just because a man backs off a little bit does NOT mean the relationship is ending. It does NOT mean he’s angry at you. Sometimes it’s really just a test to see how you respond.

The best way to respond is to simply accept it and do not chase him. Do not confront him and give him a WTF attitude, because this is only pushing him farther away. You must allow him the freedom to back away and figure out what he feels for you.

After all, if you are destined to be with this man for the rest of your life, then you’re going to have to learn to accept his brooding and isolating moods! They happen all the time, even in married life 10 or 20 years later.

2. Stop chasing him!

Most women make the mistake of trying to fix the problem, when in fact the best thing to do is to simply stop chasing him and let tension between you build.

That might sound a little weird but that’s what they guy wants. He doesn’t want you to chase him, nor does he want you to just welcome him back with open arms. He wants there to be some tension between you – not necessarily as in anger, but as in, “Oh? Were we together?”

Why? Why would a man WANT you to be a little tense? A little distant?

Because this gives him incentive to come back win your approval.

And even if that’s not what the guy is feeling, you know what? He deserves to be poked back a little bit, just like he’s poking you by backing away. That’s the way guys are. They’re competitive by nature and when they become passive aggressive in this way, they really don’t appreciate a woman who tries to “fix” the problem.

3. When he comes back, don’t pout. Give him positive reinforcement.

Another mistake that women make is that when the man comes back they interrogate him, letting him know beyond all doubt that his backing off was hurtful and cruel. And guess what? Guys don’t like that.

When they come back to you, and you make them work extra hard to get your attention again, then it’s time to give them only positive reinforcement. That means instead of saying, “Why didn’t you call me for a week?” you say, “I’m happy to hear from you!”

You remind him that when he’s actually trying in this relationship, you make things fun, enjoyable and always positive. You show him that you’re more interested in having fun than engaging in drama.

You show him that you have great control over your emotions. But at the same time, you have self-respect and you don’t tolerate men who take you for granted. You allow him to go be independent…but you move on with your life without them.

This is what you might call assertive positivity!

You’re positive and fun to be around, but you’re not going to wallow in negativity or let him kill your happy spirit. When he comes back to you and realizes that he misses you (and believe me, he WILL try extra hard to court your favor again) he gets the incentive he needs.

He’s reminded that you’re unlike all the other girls who nag, pout or argue when things get cold—you’re a woman who craves connection and honesty. If he won’t give you the things you need you WILL NOT wait around for him.

That’s what gets him chasing you. He wants you more than ever before, because you mirror back to him the same energy he gives to you.

No wonder there’s such a powerful connection…because now you know what he’s thinking and feeling! And men can’t resist that.

When He Pulls Away, Text Him THIS

If you’re tired of men pulling away from you and you want to know how to make him want to come back and never leave again…

Here’s the secret…

In order for a man to come running back to you, he needs to feel two things…

The first one is REGRET for pulling away in the first place.

If you attack or punish him for pulling away, you’ll only make him want to pull away further.

Instead, you want him to feel like coming back to you is more pleasurable than being away.

The second thing you want him to feel is like HE MISSES YOU.

He can’t miss you if you smother him with calls and messages.

Apologizing, trying to see if he’s mad at you, seeing if he’s okay…

This only makes him feel like he needs more space.

There’s a 4 word text message that will make him feel both of these things when you send it to him.

If you’d like to hear what the text message is, click the link below right now to watch a video about it…

Click here to learn more << 

Talk soon,

Matthew Coast

P.S. If you want a relationship where a man loves you, sees you, and cherishes you, then you need to watch this video…

Click here to learn more << 





37 thoughts on “What to Do When He Pulls Away (3 Steps That Always Work)”

    1. Hang on a sec! Doesn’t taht make him think that it is okay for him to keep doing this because I’m not gonna give him a hard time/ drama for treating me this way amd that I will just take him back everytimenhe pulls away and disappears for weeks wothout a word ox explanation?

      1. Yeah I think I’d just let him keep pulling away if he did that to me. I’d find me a nice drink and sunbath on the beach.lol

      2. That’s my thought I’m not rewarding poor behavior. But either way I’m living my life so you pull away when you want and when you come back I can introduce you to the person who didn’t play games

  1. My husband ended our marriage on 1january This year and say get over it or I’m not in love with you
    Reckons he tried to kill himself when he got drunk
    I tried to phone him
    I tried writing to him

    How do I get him back please help

      1. You’ve got that right! All this does is make women feel like it’s their fault and put them down more. This is so degrading and disgusting. Why would you have to trick a man into loving you. Aren’t we beterthan that?
        The sad part is that so many young women don’t have a clue how magnificent they are just as they are.

  2. I started talking to this man and one night I went out to the club and I was dancing with another man and the man grabbed my butt my friend got mad at me because of that and also he said how I looked at the man so now we are not moving forward anymore how can I get him back

  3. He just pulled away and said he wanted us to remain just friends but after one day passaed he started texting me again is this a sign he is coming back or wants to test me

  4. My dad had ran my first crush ,as a teenager and we both liked each other well ee were not to see each other anymore , he went on his way to marines and i went about my life both if us being forced to forget about each other and never brought each other to mind well 35 yrs later I come across a post of mine on fb and he had commented on my postv. But it was like weeks or maybe months before i even noticed it . It just came to me so I friended him ans he made the first messenger move and Asked me how are you doing with my name at the end of sentance needless to say we both started feeling those old love feelings again we fell head over heels in love with each other he lives in another state well we were texting everyday back and forth with i love yous gd mornings and nights . Everything was going good then he started slacking off . After a few months and it seemed like i was having a one sided conversation . He wouldnt answer to the messages i text. And then he pops back after 24 hours or more and like nothing had happened with some explanation then start answering my messages with just an emoji or just a couple words then he goes again with not replying for another long period of time. And even longer well now just right when i swallow my pride and suck it all up and tell myself screw it . And i start being more social on fb and except other peoples friends request . He pops up again same . Its on and off with him. But he says he does not tolerate bitchen at him. Im in love with him . And we cant be together right now du to distance and issues . What do i do to get him to respond? Or is he not interested in .me anymore ir just busy. I dont know , but I am crushed over it . And I am very beautiful and can basicalliy any man i wanted .. and looks dont make a man but hes not all that good looking but I love him for who he is and to. Me thats sexy. Hes everything ive ever wanted in a man and he says the same to me .. telling me i am the most beautifulest woman in the world to him. And he would spoil me. I think he us testing me . Cause he likes to take off and ride his harley and be free .i think hes testing to see how i respond or behave when hes rides or what ever. To me im sick of it and just when i get ready to throw in the tell he pops up with something that melts me.. help

    1. Matthew
      I have been dating this guy for long i want to his place one day which i want out to see a friend without telling him he found out and got mad at me now he says i should not come to his place anymore i try to solve the problem but he say no now i told him to bring my things that is at his place for me to meet him somewhere for it and he said okay now i don’t know what to do cause i really love him what should i do,do i leave him to be or what please help me please.

  5. jacqueline castle

    I feel what you have said n many articles I have written and given me the confidence and respect for men that I have had to learn.
    Thank you for offering all this to me.
    Very grateful Jacquie

  6. I love your emails and awesome advice as well. I sometimes blame myself for my relationships ending but after reading your advice columns, I finally realize that I am so freakin’ worth it for the next real,good man. Thank you and keep on giving beautiful and worthy advice too.

  7. Joanna Kate Simpson

    Hi Matthew
    I work in the NHS and got to know this really nice looking lad. We met a couple of times and things developed from there.
    After months and months of sort of been together I am now having to pick up the pieces and get my life back together, so the advice from your e-mail ‘What to do when he pulls away’ is helping me a lot to move on. I would love things to be the way they were but I know they wont be.
    We have remained friends

  8. Stephanie conley

    Thank you for your words…it really open my eyes..but I don’tI think it will work in my case because he’s so insecure and jealous of everything..I don’t give him anything to be jealous about he gets jealous about things when men comment on my pictures on Facebook or anything like that he think that’s part of cheating if I like the compliment but they say on Facebook… He think that I am deceiving him when I’m not doing anything but working and coming home..haven’t talked to him in two weeks I replied last to him they haven’t pried back or nothing so I just let him have his space. I love him but I’m not going to chase him I’m giving his time he said he just want time just think

  9. Thanks
    I really like it ,I wish I knew this earlier.
    It’s what my husband wanted buh I didn’t Kno how to do it

  10. I met this guy 6 months ago, just before I found out I needed chemotherapy. I told him to run for the hills, but he didn’t.He helped me so much through my treatment and made me so happy we laughed all through lockdown and my six sessions of chemotherapy. He used to message me saying he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and that he couldn’t see himself with another woman ever. I have never been so happy in my life despite fighting cancer (curable). I could really see myself marrying this man and being the happiest I’ve ever been. Two weeks ago he ended things for another woman. The love of his life he said who has swept him off his feet. How can I get this man back and know that he will never look at another woman And to be happy with me like he said he could be. Can I still get him back? If so how?

  11. Cuter Than it Wasnt

    Oh hello. It is difficult to understand all this I’m not finding it hard to complete or compete with. I’m a libra. And in fact I’m a pisces woman basically. He is so cute.

  12. Men can be a real pain in the a—. If they are so emotionally immature that you have to coddle them in order to get any attention they’re not worth the effort

    1. Truth. The men I’ve dated who do this didn’t work out in the end. They weren’t that into me and/or they were cheating. The man I’m dating now makes a consistent effort and would never disappear because he’s a grown up and he wants to be with me.

  13. Olive
    July, 20.20/21
    Some guys are real pain they want to be in a relationship yes with emotional immaturity and another person causes them to be so broken and women who is feeling so ready for love have to accept he is not ready they’re a real pain and don’t worth the effort.How about healing first learn how to be a adult.

    1. With my husband familiarity bred contempt. He is bored with me because he conquered me. He has no regard for me. He doesn’t look at me. His phone is the love of his life.

  14. He’s pulled away and it’s been 2 1/2 weeks with nothing from him. Texted him a week ago and no response. He still has me on social media. He’s never coming back?

  15. Wait a minute… sometimes it’s the other way around. Maybe they are insecure but didn’t realize until they were at the presence of a secure woman and then they pull away. But before they do that they milk the relationship with inconsistency. Acting like they want to be in it but then when it’s reciprocated they freak out and act like we are the ones being clingy. Why do you assume it’s always our fault?

  16. Hi Matt! Is this when they pull away for no reason? And disappearing for week? Is this just in the beginning of dating or can this happen a year+ in a relationship? You mention a red flag when they disappear after telling him your needs. Seems a bit different than what you are talking about. Can you describe what the pull away looks like. Seems there is a difference with pulling away and disappearing for awhile. ha!

  17. my case: I gave him his space, I tried to be invisible and started to do my own stuff, I stop to chasing him. Now he broke up with me. I’m devastated.
    I’m 40 yo it’s not my 1st relationship but I never felt in love and now he left. I tried to do everything in your books suggested but it didn’t work for me.

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