How to Prevent Your Abandonment Issues from Ruining Your Relationship

Fear of abandonment…it happens. It makes your partner a little crazy sometimes. But all in all, everyone has it and it’s not a big deal. Right?

Hardly! Unfortunately, fear of abandonment can be such a big problem that many people will unwittingly push their partner away, all the while dreadfully fearing the very rift they’re causing in the relationship.

Fear of abandonment is what leads to possessive and paranoid behavior. It can even grow into full-fledged disorders like Dependent Personality Disorder.

It’s a terrible affliction, all the more so because it causes people to give into their fear, and that fear ultimately costs them everything they love and cherish—namely the relationship they want more than anything else.

Understanding the fear is the first step. After we discuss what abandonment fear really is, we’re going to review five tips for keeping these out-of-control feelings in check and preventing these issues from ruining a good relationship.

What is Fear of Abandonment?

Fear of abandonment can develop in childhood, usually because of the loss of a parent. However, the same fear can be caused by poor emotional and physical parenting. The child fears being abandoned by his/her parent and this carries over into adult relationships since childhood is so important to defining mother and father roles. In a way, being “abandoned” causes trauma and with this trauma comes an inability to feel safe in a relationship.

Unfortunately for sensitive children, even something as common as parental ridicule, holding them to high expectations, or even parents treating them like peers instead of children, can cause the same irrational fear.

While it is true that ALL people do have some fear of abandonment, when it approaches the severest levels it becomes truly difficult and could lead to personality disorders like Dependency.

While it’s also easy to say that you might never have this problem, since you had a good childhood and parents, the facts show that even losing a partner to divorce or death can cause the same feelings to develop. It’s a form of PTSD and ignoring the problem will only tax your relationships now and in the future.

Worse yet, you may not even realize you’re showing fear of abandonment until your partner grows to resent you and it’s too late to fix things!

That’s why we need to discuss it now and get these issues under control. If and when you notice negative patterns developing, avoid acting on impulse and go in the opposite direction Let’s discuss five ways to keep spiraling feelings in check.

1. It’s okay to love your partner “so much that it hurts”. But if you love him, don’t try to make transform him into someone else.

One of the main problems a man has with a “needy” woman is that she has unrealistically high expectations of how he should behave. She punishes him for falling short and she lovingly rewards for him meeting these expectations. There’s just one problem. He’s not really “like that” and forcing him to meet a very “ideal” standard, rather than just be himself, is a disaster waiting to happen. Decide now…if you love him, you don’t need him to meet unrealistically high standards. You just need him to stay the same man you’re in love with.

2. Your partner doesn’t need to “fix” this issue. You must take full responsibility and work on controlling your feelings when they become out of control.

When you’re controlled by your fear you may spiral into episodes of rage or depression, all the while your partner is simply confused. Demanding that he fix this, that he cure you of all your fears, is unfair to him. Instead of punishing and rewarding him and hoping he figures out the right combination, just tell him you want loving support, cuddles, and encouragement. All he needs to do is be affectionate. When a man understands exactly what you want from him, there’s no reason to be confused.

3. It’s your responsibility to confront these fears. Work on building your self-confidence.

There’s no sense in dwelling on the negative. Don’t beat yourself up for what you feel. It is human to fear losing your boyfriend or husband. But hating yourself is only making the dynamic worse. Give yourself unconditional love. You’re not weak, you just need some time to heal. Spend time building your confidence and pursuing the hobbies, careers, and passions that make you feel good about yourself. Rely more on yourself and less on him. Don’t let him feel as if must take care of you, like a little girl. That’s too much of a burden on him. You owe it to yourself to be more than that.

4. Don’t need him more than he needs you. There should be a balance built on mutual respect and admiration.

Neither of you should “need” each other. This indicates a parasitical relationship. You’re both fine on your own. You would rather be together, but you don’t need each other to survive.

Why is this so important? Because when two people are self-sufficient, they don’t bring imbalances to the relationship. They leave their baggage behind. There is no longer undue pressure, stressful codependency, or a battle of the wills. They are more evenly matched because they can be independent and enjoy alone time, or come together and enjoy the company. There is no heavy pressure on just one partner, financially or emotionally. There is peace together, not stress or distrust.

5. Learn to redirect your desire for constant reassurance.

Affection is one thing. But demanding your partner reassure you constantly is only going to cause a rift between the two of you. A relationship is give and take, 50 / 50, and when one partner demands all of the attention, it can become unhealthy fast. Develop your own internal process for managing these feelings, such as by taking up a hobby, doing something creative, or engaging in exercise—something to blow off the steam and distract your subconscious from all that restless energy.

Remember, the thoughts are damaging but they can be mitigated. Your behavior determines whether they stay fleeting thoughts or whether they escalate and eventually scare your partner away. Combat fear of abandonment by staying positive and living in the now, not worrying so much about tomorrow until it comes.

Take the time to ENJOY your partner while you have him, letting go of the fear. This is what will keep him coming back every night, all those good feelings shared between you!

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Talk soon,

Matthew Coast

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Matthew Coast

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