Whoops – you slept with a guy you really like! And yeah it was a pretty amazing night…
But now what?
Usually the advice is “Don’t sleep with a man until he falls for you”, right?
Well, the truth is, it’s not very easy to tell if a man has actually “fallen for you”, or just really wanted to have sex and was playing the part of Awesome Boyfriend perfectly, just long enough to live out his ultimate fantasy with you.
But it’s okay. Having sex before he falls in love is not necessarily going to ruin the relationship. What really matters is that you wait until you experienced some emotional connection together. If you’re pretty sure he felt something, and then you went to bed, then it is very possible he’s still thinking about you.
That’s good. So let’s start by discussing the After Sex Rulebook.
1. Don’t discuss commitment. Don’t influence him. Don’t act emotional. Don’t cling, don’t be romantic, just don’t!
I know this is hard to resist because sex usually makes us want to bond and want to be romantic. The release of the oxytocin chemical has a powerful effect on you…and yes, on him as well. But it’s very important that you let him experience his love rush on his own terms and NOT try to discuss commitment or anything stressful. For now, bask in the afterglow. There’s no reason to be cold and rush off prematurely.
But when it’s time to go, it’s time to go. And you leave first.
2. Reset the whole relationship. You are NOT going to be a friends-with-benefits.
After a guy sleeps with you, and after he feels some definite connection, his next thought is making you a friends with benefits. Because in his silly mind, casual sex is “serious dating”. Errr, actually it’s not. And he WILL get bored if you give him sex for free, just because he wants it.
Instead, challenge him to impress you all over again. Now that you’ve had sex, the relationship has gone back to square one. You’re friends…you made a hasty decision…now it’s over. Avoid him…or at least, be cordial and not romantic.
He will quickly figure out that you’re not being sentimental. And he will want to taste that emotional connection again. Reward him for the effort he puts forth. Make him chase you all over again.
3. Don’t focus pleasing him…focus on looking good and attractive to other men.
Jealousy is petty, isn’t it? Well, the thing is, you’re not actually toying with him when you try to boost your own confidence by looking good for others. You’re impressing him. So in the coming days and weeks, post excellent photos of yourself on social media. Return to the independent and flirty person you were before you met him. Let him know that you have no plans on slacking off…you’re still going to look like a knockout. You’re STILL his ultimate fantasy…if only he works hard enough to win you over again.
In fact, I strongly recommend being a little overconfident after sex than under-confident. Don’t insult yourself, don’t be shy about your body. Don’t talk negative about yourself. Be positive and let him sense that sex doesn’t change anything with you—you’re still the same attractive and fun person the next morning.
4. Don’t want him more than he wants you.
Continuing on, you must not tip him off that you want him more than he wants you—or else, frankly, you’ll give him a big head. This means that you should intentionally stay busy in life, and avoid texting him first, calling him or arranging for another date. This gives the impression he wants you more than you want him. You can reward him for persistently reaching out for your attention, but not a second too soon. He texts / calls first.
This makes him realize what a great date he had with you, and how he may never experience anything like it again…until he tries. By being unavailable, you let him soak in all the “oxytocin” love drug, and let him figure out that he likes you well beyond just sex.
I personally advocate the “I like you but…” scenario. You can’t let a guy know that you want him more than he wants you. But at the same time, you want to reward him for effort, right? So when he wants to talk about the relationship, start thinking in terms of “I do like you…but”. This gives him a challenge. It lets him know that you are sexually attracted to him, maybe even compatible with him, but…
There’s always a but! (And this drives him a little crazy)
BUT he needs to show that he’s committed to you and really wants to work hard to chase you and keep your attention. You reward him based only on the attention he gives you. When he slacks off, you get bored and you stop reacting.
This sends a strong message—you had a great time with him, BUT…
But now life moves on! What does he really want from you? Believe me, this attitude is what pushes a guy’s buttons and what makes them eventually “kneel” for your approval, if you get my drift.
5. When he earns another “night in heaven” with you, DO NOT do more of the same. Make it even better.
The first time was based solely on passion and curiosity, right? This time, and the next time, you’re going for fantasy fulfillment. Find out what he likes sexually, why he’s uniquely attracted to you, and what his real desires are. Give him his fantasy (within reason of course) and let him know that he will NEVER date a woman this good ever again—someone who actually enjoys pleasuring him and makes the experience about HIM, just as much as it’s about you.
I know this sounds simple, but believe me, most women just let sex “happen”. They figure it’s what the guy wants, and so they give it to him. But they don’t put effort into it, they don’t really reward him with an extra special performance.
Appealing to his fantasies, and consistently improving, is a sure way to keep him interested, even beyond the novelty of first time sex.
As you can see, you have nothing to worry about, even if you do have sex with him a little bit too soon. So as long as you keep the chase going, and become even more attractive to him after the fact, he will come back to you!