How to Have an Orgasm

Orgasm! It seems so fun, so sexy and uninhibited, and yes, so easy to do.

And then…when it’s time to actually have sex…

You can’t seem to get there! How embarrassing, considering your boyfriend is doing his damndest to help you. But there’s no getting over that hurdle. Your body just seems to shut down entirely. And both of you are left feeling frustrated.

What gives? Why is it that some women can’t seem to orgasm even when they want to?

It’s easy to assume—especially for a guy—that all it takes for you to orgasm is to masturbate or to “surrender” to the feeling of letting go. But the truth is it is more complicated than that.

Some women simply don’t G-spot orgasm or vaginally orgasm. A small population of women literally cannot orgasm since they have a special condition called “anorgasmia.”

But here’s the kicker. Even if you can orgasm from penetration alone, that doesn’t guarantee you’re going to have an orgasm every time. Even if you want to, even if you try to make yourself, your body will not always cooperate.

In case you have this missed orgasm problem, often or even on rare occasion, just keep these four tips in mind.

1. Never just wait for an orgasm to happen, as if the guy is going to give you one. Try to make it happen on your own.

Many men have strange porn-inspired fantasies of their penis being able to make a woman come just from rough penetration. Statistically speaking, however, most women require clitoral stimulation to get to that point, meaning either you massage, he massages, or he gives you head.

The secret here would be to touch yourself while he penetrates you, or to encouraging him to go down on you. Be willing to guide him to your orgasm. This take-charge approach will work so much better than just lying there and expecting him to make you orgasm.

2. Experiment with different touches and sexual positions.

If you’re inexperienced in sex then take time to masturbate on your own so you can learn the right rhythm and method that gets you excited. If you’re having sex with a man then changing positions might also help him find your G-spot, such as a doggy style position or “spread eagle” position.

If you’re going for “fast and furious” and it doesn’t seem to be working, try for a slower build up. Extend foreplay before even touching the genitals. You may even want to start by taking a long hot bubble bath and pampering your body.

Be sure to wear something that makes you feel sexy, such as lingerie or a tight-fitting outfit. When it’s time to build more pressure, don’t just rush to the genitals. Either you or your man should spend some time caressing your whole body, pleasuring more of your erogenous zones, before going for genital stimulation or penetration.

Besides the clitoris and G-spot, touching your labia and the surrounding mound area may also bring you closer to that point. Even the way you touch the clitoris matters. Some women claim the “one o’clock position” gets the most sensation. Some women claim that if you (or your man) pull back on the clitoral hood hiding the clitoris, exposing more, you may be able to feel more sensation. However, others claim that it may actually be too sensitive.

It really depends on your individual preferences and what you like your boyfriend doing to you. Don’t be shy about directing him to touch or lick you in a certain way. Remember not to criticize but to suggest what you want him to do and be excited about it.

When in doubt, always slow things down and always use MORE lubricant rather than less, since dryness or even “not wet enough” can hinder orgasm.

3. Don’t force yourself to come if it’s not happening…instead, focus on relaxing your body and mind.

Tension doesn’t help, it usually hinders. Some women will develop a mental obstacle to orgasming if they have negative feelings about the experience. Anxiety, suspicion, resentment, stress, and even a lack of emotional intimacy with a partner can interfere with your ability to relax and enjoy.

In cases like this addressing the root cause of the stress, whether it’s work related or family turmoil, is the best course of action. If you are always stressed then lifestyle changes might be a long-term solution. Being able to step back from stressful things in life, meditate more often, exercise to relieve restlessness—pampering yourself—this might be the best way to approach a recurring problem.

4. Stop thinking of sex like a goal.

Finally, one of the worst problems a couple can have is being too goal-oriented with sex. The pressure to have an orgasm “right now” can be enough to shut your body down. This is why, if you’re always stressed, what might help is not worrying about the necessity of orgasm and instead, focusing more on foreplay, and instead concentrate on increasing pleasure. Experiment rather than follow a fixed routine that you think will quickly bring you to orgasm. Find out what you like and don’t like and let your orgasm occur naturally.

Stop worrying about the goal and you get rid of the pressure that prevents you from relaxing and letting go. It also helps to talk things over with your boyfriend and let him help you to relax and feel safe in his presence. If you suffer from body image issues (worrying that you’re not sexy enough) then spend some time with your man letting him build up your confidence. Accept who you are and learn love your body. Embrace your imperfections, as they make you unique. Let him worship your every curve until you start to feel cherished and loved.

As you can see, having an orgasm is more a state of mind than a switch you turn on and off. You prepare for it. You research some techniques but you keep on experimenting, by yourself, and with a partner, until you find a combination that works.

You’ll find that as time goes on your willingness to experiment will only help keep your sex lives fun and red-hot, because you learn to AVOID the routine and try new things. An orgasm is a reward that comes from learning your body and your partner’s. Embrace the challenge!

About The Author

Matthew Coast

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