How to Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back

Is the old expression that “guys want what they can’t have” really true? Actually the same has been said of women just as much as it has about men. Some say it’s human nature to want what we can’t have and to love something only when we let it go.

There are different schools of philosophy on the subject. Some say by our very nature, we only appreciate something if we know it “ends”. The more we have something in unlimited supply, the less valuable it seems to us.

But others take a more pragmatic approach to the issue. They say that in relationships, one partner may leave another if he or she feels their needs aren’t being met.

Do Men Want What They Can’t Have?

A more negative view, in my opinion, is the idea that men leave women because of control issues. That a man will conquer a woman, then leave, then want her back eventually because he wants to regain the control that he lost. Deep down, he’s basically all about ego. His motivation is to meet new women that seem too busy or too uninterested in him.

Well, obviously as a man I take issue with this oversimplification. Maybe that’s true for some guys, but certainly not every guy.

In fact, I’d say the vast majority of men break up with women because the relationship has become imbalanced. It’s not so much about a man’s ego…it’s just that the dynamic that he once felt – that 50/50 relationship built on attraction and compatibility – is now gone.

A Relationship Based on Obligation, Not Attraction

The attraction is absent, because in essence, she is no longer that person that he fell in love with: that strong, independent person who wanted to be chased.

She didn’t need him. She just liked him. That’s where attraction started. Somewhere along the way that attraction evolved into obligation, then formality, then eventually a lopsided relationship where she just needed the relationship to carry on – even though he wasn’t particularly happy. She probably wasn’t happy either. It’s just that losing the relationship was a nightmare scenario that she had to prevent.

No wonder then that she made so many mistakes! She reacted emotionally, based on the fear of losing him. She called and texted him constantly, like a mother fighting for her young. She stalked him all over social media, leaving sad little comments about the wonderful times they had together, hoping he would get the hint. She would pretend to bump into him in a public place just for conversation. She would date someone else just to make him jealous. She would even get the guy’s friends involved and start using them as informants just to keep tabs on her man – or by now, her ex.

The Art of Falling Back

Do you see the problem here? She responds to his craving for independence by demanding more intimacy. The right instinct is to fall back, heading AWAY, going back towards the beginning of the relationship or at least in that direction. The answer is in returning to more conservative behavior, taking things SLOWLY, not jumping ahead twenty paces.

Call it the law of the jungle…when an animal is cornered, it becomes defensive, right? If your job is to save that animal, you’re not going to rush in there and force it into your arms.

The practical thing to do is let the beast feel calm, in control, and AVOID activating the fight or flight adrenaline.

So while your ex-boyfriend is not a “beast” (unless of course you’re Belle) the principle is the same. If you want to keep him, then give him his privacy and give him the gift of missing you. Cut off all communication. Let the two of you mend your wounds and find yourself.

During this time he can figure out what he wants to do and you can work on building up your self-esteem. Why is this step so important?

Returning to Him with a Healthy Mindset

Your best hope of winning him back is to appeal to his ATTRACTION, not his sense of guilt or obligation. You don’t attract him with promises or threats. You attract him by demonstrating your positive qualities.

You’re powerful, in control, sexy and beaming with confidence. But that’s kind of hard to fake, isn’t it? Of course it is…almost impossible unless you’re a really amazing actor. The real secret is to IMMERSE yourself in a new lifestyle, a more positive environment that fosters this growth in you. Focus on your career, your hobbies, and meeting new people. Reinvent yourself and embrace change.

If the “old you” is what pushed him away, become the “new you” that attracts him back. Independent, strong-willed and a woman who’s in charge of her own life.

When you do reach out to him, whether it’s talking as friends or even bringing up good old memories, remember that “less is always more.” Take thing slow and concentrate on rebuilding trust, not intimacy. Intimacy is something he must earn, when he’s ready, when he wants it back.

Timing Means Everything

Lastly, remember that getting back together has as much to do with timing as it does compatibility. If you reach out to him and he seems distant, then back away again.

Accept that the timing is not right and give him another No Contact timeout so he can think about what he wants. At some point, if he’s interested, he will reach out to you. Or you can reach out to him again, in a few months – always as a fried first.

It may well be true that, as the old expression goes, “distance makes the heart grow fonder.” Letting him miss you is far more effective than demanding his attention.

In fact, moving on and NOT waiting for him is actually the best way to get his attention – because it reminds him that you do have value and that you’re not so weak that you need permission just to move on.

Ultimately, I would say that your ex DOES still love you and that he does want you to be happy, whether that’s with him or without him. Let him decide which and live life to its fullest.

10 Magic Love Triggers That Make Men Fall Hard For You

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Talk soon,

Matthew Coast

P.S. If you’ve been banging your head against the wall because you’ve fallen for a man who’s frustratingly unavailable…

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About The Author

Matthew Coast

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