How to Get Over a Guy

They all say the same thing: time heals all wounds. Someday, you’ll get over him. They’re not wrong…but at the same time, getting over someone is NOT as easy as they make it sound. And contrary to popular belief, it’s NOT about just time passing and moving on. As I’m sure you can attest right now, you CAN’T move on. Your heart still belongs to him.

But what we’re going to do now is talk about how women do actually learn to love a guy LESS and all the complicated factors it involves. Let’s start with five basic points to remember that are about YOU as much as it’s about forgetting him.

1. Focus on why the relationship ended, not “What if?”

Since it’s not practical to tell you “just forget about it!”, let’s instead alter the focus just a little bit. You’re obviously going to be thinking about the past and wondering what if? What if isn’t practical. What if is a terrible question that has no purpose in any conversation. What if your parents never met? What if you were a millionaire? What if you stumbled upon Prince Harry and it was you destined to be the Queen of England someday? What if’s are fleeting, they’re illogical.

So try to focus on the logic of what happened. For instance, if you loved him, write down a list of positive qualities that he had. Separate the MAN from the way you liked to be treated. These qualities are the traits that CREATED attraction in the first place.

Next, focus on the negative qualities. Not just about him, but also the negative dynamic between the two of you. What caused the most tension? What led to the breakup? What were some of his habits that you wish he didn’t have? You can even count various things his friends or family mentioned if you can’t create a full list. Just make sure this list is EQUAL to the first list you made.

The reason for this exercise is that you must look at the old relationship (or the crush) objectively, gleaning something valuable from the experience, rather than looking at it negatively.

2. Distance yourself from him, physically and online.

The only way you can lessen the severity of the depression is to distract your mind with new thoughts, experiences, and environments. This doesn’t mean just removing him from social media or avoiding his texts. This also means getting outside—with friends, family members, and new acquaintances. Get out of your comfort zone, get out from the “room of solitude” that holds you hostage.

At some point, you may run into him. Don’t panic, just talk with him as if you were platonic friends. Stick to safe subjects about work, family or other peripherals. Don’t get personal. Your emotional distance from him will help you survive this.

3. Focus on self-improvement.

Even if you know the relationship was not meant to be, you may still be plagued by nagging thoughts about “What if I tried harder?” But these hypothetical questions are pointless. True compatibility between two people is much stronger than just a conversation or a series of mistimed events. If you were really compatible, you BOTH would have tried harder. The chemistry would have worked. It was not meant to be.

BUT if you sense that you have some nagging flaws that may have contributed to the breakup or rejection (for instance, too clingy or too nervous) then it might help your self-confidence to do away with them. Focus on self-improvement. Indentify the behavior or habit that you don’t like and make a concentrated effort to avoid it. Maybe it will help to talk to more people or more attractive men specifically, just so you can gain experience in remaining calm and avoiding that behavior.

The point is, you can correct the things you don’t like about yourself and fix problems that the old relationship brought out. Maybe you never needed that relationship to be happy, but on the other hand, maybe it was good that some of these issues came out. Now you know what to work on so that you can avoid this kind of heartache in the future.

4. Surround yourself with people who care about you AND who help jumpstart your future.

Family and friends can be your support group, giving you the emotional foundation you need to stand tall, even when you’re feeling your lowest. Don’t just talk about the relationship with them—spend more time enjoying yourself, playing games, going out, watching movies and traveling. This helps you to remember that there are plenty of other platonic relationships we can enjoy in life. Not all are romantic, and certainly the joy of life is not, nor should it ever be, confined to one relationship only. Get out and broaden your horizons, expanding your network of friends and your long list of things to do. Find the value in life, in your life, that’s not just about fulfilling romantic needs. There will be time for that later. For now, there is so much else to live for!

5. Get in touch with the You who used to exist.

Finally, instead of focusing solely on the future, take a trip to the distant past. Namely, the you of yesterday, the one who existed before this guy came into your life. Do you have a diary back then? A journal or a videotape? Spend some time getting back into that mindset, remembering who you were before that guy changed all of your plans. Maybe you can revisit some past ambitions that you never fulfilled. Now is as good a time as any to make a change.

When you’re happy, moving forward and finally over him, THEN you’ll be able to trust and love again. And this time, it will be the real thing.

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Talk soon,

Matthew Coast

P.S. If you’ve been banging your head against the wall because you’ve fallen for a man who’s frustratingly unavailable…

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About The Author

Matthew Coast

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