How Does a Man Think About Relationships

You could say that a man thinks of sex, love, and relationships as altogether different categories, definitely not the same thing.

Maybe you’ve always thought of them as one ideal, one goal in life. To meet an attractive man, to fall in love, and then have a relationship—hopefully, one that progresses to marriage and family. That’s certainly the ideal for some people.

Of course, not only is that idealistic, but it’s also not realistic—considering the differences in what you want vs. what people are willing to give you.

It’s safe to say that men are willing to give sex, love and relationship time…but for altogether different reasons. Sex is not necessarily love. And strangely enough, love is not necessarily living together happily ever after.

Let’s analyze this issue by probing deeper into these points:

1. What men want in an ideal relationship
2. The types of relationships a man is looking to have
3. The type of relationship you should be looking for

1. Men want ideal relationships when they’re younger…and are often disappointed.

The younger men are, the more they’re prone to make errors in judgment. Men may chase after fantasies when they’re in their teens or twenties, whether it’s bedding a lot of women, or meeting the one “freak” who’s as open-minded about sex as he is.

On the other hand, they may play it totally innocent and chase after their childhood sweetheart, only to discover that she’s friend-zoned him and broken his heart.

In either scenario, we see younger men chasing ideals, chasing fantasies.

Unfortunately, they quickly discover that the fantasies don’t live up to reality. The fantasy relationship either dissolves or never happens. They are left confused and may start to take relationships little more cynically in their 30s. By the time they’re in their 30s or sometimes their 40s, they cherish more important qualities than just sex and excitement.

• They want praise and approval.
• They want respect, for who they are and how hard they work.
• They crave honesty and emotional intimacy.
• They crave independence, but at the same time, fidelity and trust.

2. Men will go through a variety of relationships before he meets his true love—whether intentionally or by trial and error.

The real question for you is, at what “stage” is the man you’re dating and are your life goals really compatible?

For example, if you meet a younger man, and especially if he is rebounding from a previous relationship, you might soon discover he’s emotionally absent.

Not surprising considering that many men look for purely sexual relationships and consider the sex a sort of “emotional connection”, that’s usually not what women want. Some men actually prefer commercial sexual relationships because of a grave fear of intimacy and trusting anyone, whether through prostitution or the safer version of commercial sex called web porn. In either case, they get the emotional satisfaction of sexual conquest without the more challenging aspect of emotional intimacy.

The types of relationships a man pursues may include:

• Purely sexual, based on attraction with minimal commitment. He may want a friend with benefits or prefer strangers each time.
• A platonic friendship, where he enjoys emotional connection but has no desire to pursue the woman romantically or sexually.
• A casual relationship where he takes the romance seriously, but still dates multiple women. In his mind, it would take a lot to make him “sacrifice” his independence for a committed relationship.
• An exclusive romantic relationship, but one where commitment is not implied and rarely spoken of. He’s “in the moment” and not necessarily looking for marriage.
• A commitment-centered relationship where he is open emotionally and desires marriage immediately. Unfortunately, some men who reach this stage are more concerned with material benefits or companionship, so that they actually devalue honesty and true compatibility.

3. After determining where the guy is at this stage in life, it’s time to consider what you can offer him and what he can provide for you.

It may not be romantic to think of love and marriage as a constant trade negotiation, but it’s far more practical than to chase after ideals.

There is no perfect mate. Waiting for the perfect mate and stubbornly refusing to compromise, will lead to a life of loneliness and bitterness.

On the other hand, it’s a bad idea to marry only for convenience and figure that romance and sexual compatibility is not all that important. Of course it is!

The challenge in finding the relationship you want is to become more self-aware and actually realize what qualities you want in a man.

Becoming more introspective is not only a safety for you (since you won’t just be responding to men who pay attention to you and dominate the relationship), but will also help you to communicate more effectively with your dates.

It’s not so much a cynical attitude as it is a practical one. Maybe by now, you realize that certain intense sexual relationships that you’ve enjoyed in the past were actually very bad ideas in the long-run. Sex was really all you had in common, and most of the relationship was spent arguing, fighting, breaking up and getting back together, and all sorts of other negative emotions.

Overall, a man will appreciate if you are upfront about what you’re looking for and the qualities that you admire about him. This fulfills him, this makes him feel like a provider.

It’s not that you’re “looking to get married” because that’s not actually the goal.

You’re looking for a strong emotional connection, one that results in good sex, and great conversation. That bond you share becomes more intimate, more trusting, and eventually evolves NATURALLY into commitment and marriage.

The easy answer then to the age-old question: “what does a man really want in a relationship?” is that it depends.

It depends on what stage of life he’s in, on what good qualities he can offer and what he expects in return, and lastly it depends on you understanding what makes relationships work.

Men definitely appreciate a woman who is intelligent and that understands the dynamics of emotional intimacy, attraction and how to make a marriage work.

In other words, you understand what love is. You’re not young and naïve. You’re practical-minded and yet very determined to find love on your own terms.

About The Author

Matthew Coast

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