Before we ask the provocative question of “Are you smothering your man?” let’s start with a simpler question. What is “smothering” and why does it bother men so much?
You’ve probably heard the term “smothering” before, as well as all the clichés like “I need some space!” or “I need some time apart!” or even the more dramatic “We need a break.”
What does any of it mean? And how is it that even though you both crave emotional intimacy, one of you is still unhappy with how close you are? Shouldn’t the opposite be true, shouldn’t you both LOVE the idea of smothering, like a couple of gazing lovebirds?
Maybe it’s time we consider what smothering actually means—and how men perceive these “smothering qualities.”
Everything in relationships is based on how your partner perceives your actions. So let’s start with this simple fact: whatever you do, regardless of good intentions, will be interpreted by your partner. And depending on his past experiences, he may see your actions as positive, neutral or negative.
According to Psychology Today, when one partner complains about “needing space”, it’s not necessarily about intimacy but about identity. One partner may feel that his or her life, once highly independent, is being sucked into an “US” – a relationship. Now all those independent thoughts have been taken over by an organism that requires teamwork and group thinking all at the expense of individuality.
The goal then is to find a balance between “togetherness and independence”, and in a way that doesn’t threaten your partner.
Here are three ways to know if you are smothering your man and unconsciously pushing him away.
1. “YOU, you are the problem!”
Does it seem like most conversations with your man involve “you do this” and “you do that”? In trying to help, don’t make the mistake of trying to control him and explain to him why he needs some mothering. The more you try to explain that “you always do this and so you need some of this!” the worse you’re making him feel. It’s best to avoid talking so much about “you do this” and instead focus on “I”. As in, “I feel this way. The way I think, I tend to do this. I feel anxious about this and so I react in this way.”
By making the conversation more about how you feel and less about what he’s doing wrong, you give him back his dignity while still voicing your needs. He’s a grown man and doesn’t want to be taken care of or mothered because he feels this robs him of his independence. Learn to communicate your needs without insisting that you take care of his too. He may want to manage his own life and resents the control you have over planning his day.
2. He seems to resist when you touch him.
Your level of physical affection can also be a telling sign about the relationship. Partners who feel smothered by the other tend to become defensive when they are hugged, kissed and touched. The reason is not necessarily because they fear intimacy or don’t like huggy-kissy stuff. Rather, they pick up on a very subtle problem.
Partners who feel needy will often over-compensate in affection, basically using their hugs and kisses as a control technique. As in, “If I keep hugging or kissing him he won’t want to look elsewhere. He will realize how much he loves me. I need to remind him of why he’s with me.”
Some women feel entitled to hug and kiss their man as often as they want, assuming that marriage implies freedom of intimacy and affection all the time. But Psychology Today quoted Dr. Patricia Farrell, who said “Agree to provide each other with a signal that it’s OK to cuddle. It avoids misunderstandings and hurtful put-downs.”
The real problem comes when you ignore your partner’s signal to give him space and you go in for affection anyway because you need it. Yes, to you it’s a demonstration of love. But he interprets it as, “She needs this regardless of how I feel right now.”
3. You’re trying too hard when he wants to try harder.
Lastly, learn to take “a few steps back” so he can take a step forward. This is a negotiating tactic that is very effective—but often forgotten in marriage. When one party is pushing too far and becomes invasive, the other takes a step back. The invasive party now backs away two steps, allowing the defensive party to come out and feel safe, taking just one step forward.
This is just as necessary in marriage. When one partner is overly affectionate or micromanaging or pushing too hard, the other partner will shrink back. When you sense this happening, the wise thing to do is “take two steps back” in conversation so that your partner can feel calm and centered and then get back his confidence to speak freely.
The easier way to remember this principle is to simply “Let the man chase you”, as we often say here. By “chasing” the man and smothering him with too much attention, you’re not letting him provide. You’re not letting him chase you.
Men are biologically happier when they can follow their own instincts and work harder to please you. He wants to decide when to talk, when to share and when to confide in you. Don’t force him to share according to your timeframe, because once again, you’re dominating the relationship and robbing him of his independent life. Be ready to accommodate him WHEN he wants to talk (and if it’s convenient for you) and then reward him for the effort he puts forth. Don’t reward him with hugs and kisses if he hasn’t done anything to merit that affection. Chances are, that’s not what he needs right now.
If you can remember these three basic principles, you can avoid smothering your man and instead focus doing more of what makes you both happy.
The 5 Word Phrase That Destroys a Man’s Love For You And Drives Him Out Of Your Life
There’s a simple 5 word phrase that will destroy any man’s love for you and drive him out of your life completely…
It usually comes out as an honest question when you want to connect with him…
But only serves to push him away and slowly kill your relationship from the inside out…
It can take a man who is filled with love and passion for you…
And make him feel cold, distant, and uninterested…
Have you figured out what it is yet?
Many women send this as a text message when they’re feeling insecure…
And then are confused why he suddenly pulls away and disappears completely…
Most of the women who ask it don’t even know how harmful it is…
Yet it can take a relationship that seems like it’s perfect…
A relationship where you feel loved, cared for, and like you’ve finally found “the one”…
And overnight, it can tear that relationship apart…
Leaving you confused, frustrated, and heartbroken…
If you don’t know what this simple yet seemingly innocent question is…
I want you to stop what you’re doing and go watch this video presentation that I put together for you at the link below…
Click here to watch the video now <<
My name is Matthew Coast and I’ve been teaching in the dating industry on since 2005…
I’ve helped hundreds of thousands of women, all over the world…
Get into relationships where they feel loved, seen, and cherished by the men they’re with…
When you click the link this link right here <<
I show you what this 5 word phrase is…
I’ll teach you about why men pull away, how to stop it from happening…
And how to attract the man you want…
Into a relationship where you’re loved and adored and treated like a priority…
No matter how painful things have been in your past…
You can attract a great man and have a great relationship…
Just click the link on your screen and the watch the video right now…
If you’re struggling with men pulling away from you…
If you’re tired of giving everything to a relationship and only being taken for granted…
And if you’re ready to have a man see you as a woman that he wants to be with forever…
“When one partner is overly affectionate or micromanaging or pushing too hard, the other partner will shrink back.”
This seems true to me but the assumption seems to be that only women push too hard and only men shrink back. Maybe that’s the more common scenario but it can be just reverse. And the reverse is my experience.
I have the impression that most relationship advice is written for women on the understanding, probably correct, that women seek relationship advice more actively than men. But I’ve yet to find good advice about to respond when you are the object of the push rather than the pusher.
What exactly is the problem you’re having?
I am an older lady, and I am a Lady. Older men are so aggressive and almost desperate. that they drive me away. I do not want to be man-handled and suggestive remarks made on the first date.
I know what you mean, Hon. They want to man handle you even in public. Cringe worthy, for sure.
I just had an experience where I met a gentleman at home Depot and I’m in my 50s he helped me pick out sanding paper for a project that was working on I gave him my number because he asked first time because I had been with somebody 20 years. Our first film conversation he asked when was the last time I had sex I blocked him
They are desperate for sex, not love. It is probably harder for them to get these days. But they go about it all wrong.
I am chased by men I am not interested in but then those I like run away and I did not realise contacting them can be seen as smothering then. And yet I don’t like too much of that either,
He is not talking to me he said that he wants to find himself so he broke up with me my heart is just broken I want him back but I don’t know how
Hey Mathew, I have been reading your information for a while now, I am 42, my man is 48 . We were friends before a couple , and I know He feels smothered, but I can’t help it. I have this ass weird feeling he is talking to or messing around with someone. We broke up Jan and Feb , rekindled in March … I think he was seeing someone, as I was , but I don’t think he has stopped. The sex is way different he doesn’t look at me , as ND almost seems to fake or force himself to be into sex . He does alot of textbook things a man cheating would do , hence my ” smothering”.He always tells me I’m accusing him of nothing , all I do is point things out that are off , and I have pictures of him being at locations he said he wasn’t, makeup on crotch area of his as hirts … And hevd iU sregards me on ALL SOCIAL MEDIA .. Even has single on his FB , only dresses decent when he is not going to be around me or when we go to same city where the woman lives I think he still sees. I have no confidence irbself esteem , as ND sexually I have just became a bad k as yv, I feel as if I am discustingv to him sexually ..he has to watch porn the while time we are intinant and most of the time he can’t even get that far with me before he shows his ” loss of interest” . I’m devastated, I cry , I h aste being in public , as ND , another thing , we only go one place together pubilcly, that’s it … He sits in car n I go in , visa versa , or he refuses and gas excuses as to why he doesn’t or can’t go with me … Never talks to me when we are apart , yet I see him active on social media constant when I’m not around . Always awake when I’m asleep , sleeps above the covers I’m just feeling crazy and devastated .z he says I’m wrong , but this is all red flags I just can’t fathom him being able to say the hurtful things he says to me for accusing him , say he loves me, and me actually be right . If he is not cheating , then he is sure making it seem that way , why would he do that ? Please … I am loosing my mind , my health , and all dignity … Help me please
If you need help, I suggest you join the Forever Woman program, you can get coaching there – https://commitmentconnection.com/forever/
My response is late but Ashley I hope you are no longer in that relationship. Seems stressful and unfair. You deserve better
It is just crazy how much I can relate to all of this advice and how much that exactly what Matt is saying is happening. I have never been told by someone before that they are afraid of advancing in a relationship with me but it happened just last night, all of this explains it perfectly! Thank you!
I feel the same way. My bf flipped out on me last night because I don’t give him personal space. He says I’m always clingy and never go out and do things myself. I do though. I have a hobby and go out with my friends. I work 8-10 hours a day and just ask for a bit of time at night to hang out. Apparently this is too much for him. I’m not allowed to go into the TV room because that’s “his” room. We haven’t slept in the same bed or had sex in 6 months. He gets mad that when we go out fir drinks, I have to always sit beside him. Am I smothering him?
No I hate to be the bearer of bad news but sounds like hehas checked out of the relationship. If he isn’t getyswx grom you in 6 months, he’ll get the it from somewhere. I’m sure you love him and want it to work out but he doesn’t. He wants his freedom back sounds to me like. Stop chasing him and make him do the chasing.
sounds like time to walk away
Ashley, it’s not worth it. What he puts you through. He doesn’t know your worth and he doesn’t care. The other person probably left him and you were his option so he won’t feel alone. But yet you do even when he’s around. Run from him. Give yourself room for someone else. Love will find you. Don’t go looking for it. Best wishes.
I was confused and disagree that giving higs and kisses as a “reward” when he hasn’t “done anything”…the man I am “trying” to have a relationship with doesn’t have to “do” anything to be hugged or kissed, I WANT TO. So I guess that makes me weak, clingy and “smothering”? At 65, and he 63, I TRULY feel we should be past all this “chasing” and “smothering” stuff… but I guess it must mean I am not the one he wants REALLY….
I dont trust him he lies every breath l. And in all his past relationships he has cheated on them how do I learn to trust him.. and it is different in this relationship he has pushed me away with all his lies..my question is why he spend so much time thanking bout what i did in my past and why is it driving him crazy thinking buout my past and raising all hell bout what he thinks I did in my past.i didnt even know him…
Trust yourself. You have seen who he is. Do you really want to live feeling unsafe?
Well I date guys younger and older. Seems like they all push to hard for sex immediately. I explain to them zi would like to get to know them better and be friends and companions first. One ask me to dinner that to a music show . Right before he was to pick me up he said don’t forget to pack a bag your going to stay at my house. Of course, I canceled date. I will not give up though there are good guys out their. It’s a matter of weeding through them.
I’m a bit unsure what to do at the moment as my man just walked out 4 years ago with no explanation or contact at all which was shattering for me as I loved him dearly and couldn’t get any reason or understanding of what was wrong and there was no contact with me at all just completely cut off.then out of the blue he’s returned and entered my life again apologized for what happened and thought I still have a lot of feelings for him and would love for things to be as they where before which we’re the happiest years of my life I’m a bit unsure of how to handle it as I don’t want to get hurt like that again as it took me 2 years to sort myself out and it really changed me and the way I look at men in fact I haven’t bothered in the last 4 years.so I’m taking it slowly to see what happens and how it goes from here.
I would leave well alone. Do not undo all the work you have done. Maybe you can use this to get more help for yourself. Iam just concerned how he left you in the first place. Do not sweep that under the carpet.
I would not waste my time. Curious to know his reason and if you’re still with him
Tammy Gilmore! I understand every bit of words that you’re saying about your man/ friend/ lover! I’m going through the same situation with my daughter dad- he lies FaithFul! I can’t Trust him at all and he has really pushed me away from him especially since he has been having sex with my family!
I had been dating this guy for two months and he was so wonderful and attentive I thought this is what I am looking for then all of a sudden he disappears and gives a lame excuse and won’t even talk to me. I only ask where did he see this going with us I thought after two months I wanted to know this is when he pulled away.
What If it’s the opposite in my marriage? He smothers me….. I’m losing my mind
I’m in trouble I can’t get real answers or attention from my husband anymore and when I do its not good I can’t figure out what went so wrong we were so close but now he does everything he can to stay away from me and he won’t have an honest open conversation or any emotion with me at all I am so confused its not like we have a couple years together its been 22 and the first 20 were loving I think he is having an affair but I can’t get him to talk what do I do its ripping our family apart
N. I had the same experience but I actually went through cancer at the end of our relationship he hadn’t had sex with me in five years and I’m in my fifties but not ugly or out of shape… We’ve been apart three years and I’ve always thought he was having an affair. To this day he will not admit it. We remain friends but it’s tough on me because I’m still in love and this article really helped me understand more about men
I don’t give affection out of neediness; it is a strong desire (one of my love languages is touch, another is quality time, which I prefer a fair amount of). Example: my ex thought I wanted ‘birthday sex’ but what I really wanted, Craved, was a looooong cuddle session. I love those loving touches and embraces.
I’m currently single with no prospect in sight but for future reference, what would you advise I do?
True, I don’t want to smother or control or push him away but… I also don’t want to feel neglected or deprived and don’t want to look elsewhere to meet said needs (I’m strictly monogamous) and don’t know how to get that ‘loving touch’ through my own means. So, what am I to do? :/
I’m sick of trying to please a man. Why can’t a man please us women for a chance. It’s always about a woman that has to do all the work, what about men?! All the articles are directed to women and I’m sick of this.
If you want information about what men need to do, go to men’s dating sites… there are lots of them with information there about how to please women. Check it out – https://www.youtube.com/user/AlphaMconsulting
This site is just for women, that’s why it’s about what you need to do.
6 months ago, I filed for divorce after 28 years of marriage that was filled with infidelity and toxicity. My divorce will be final in March. I have been spending time with an old friend I recently ran in to. He was also going through divorce. He had been married 15 years to his 1st wife and 9 years to the second. Both of his x’s cheated. His divorce was final 6 weeks ago. I understand he will have trust issues. That’s one thing we have in common.
What I don’t get is why he is having a harder time moving forward than I am. He’s fine with the 1st x. But the 2nd seems to play games with him. He wants to “spend time together until we are both ready and then see where it goes”. I’m just not sure how long is too long to wait?
I have days or moments where things are difficult. But I was married a really long time! We are both in counseling also. I knew the holidays would be difficult. He was in depression basically from Christmas eve to Jan.3. But he has family around him. I was totally alone.
Am I fooling myself into thinking this will go somewhere? I moved 3 weeks ago and now live 1/2 mile from him. I was over an hour away. He hated that. Now, he hasn’t even come to my new place even when I asked him for help. He calls me sweetie, texts me first, always walks me to the door and kisses me goodbye, checks that I get home safely, etc. Is he really just not ready yet?
Lack of intimacy should be at the top of the list. It’s the first sign that a relationship is in trouble. I’ve just experienced this. It’s horrible when someone you love suddenly stops all physical contact. I thought he’d met someone else. Then the blame game started I felt so cruel. I said some terrible things. Instead I pinned him down and communicated my feelings. He told me he felt smothered and didn’t want to be in a relationship. I think he felt he had lost his identity. He is a very independent person and I was his first close relationship in a very long time. He’s moved to another country and starting a new life without me in it. I’m hurt after 3 yrs he’s decided to end it but I’m happy to step away for now.