If you’re in a spot where you can tell a guy likes you but you’re confused about why he doesn’t just come out and say it, or why he won’t commit to an exclusive relationship with you, you have to consider his motivation.
First, consider what attracts him to you. Second, consider why he’s holding back and not giving you that commitment and what he feels he’s protecting himself from.
Men will avoid commitment for a number of reasons. I think the whole “all men are commitmentphobic” belief is actually a misconception. Men might be afraid to commit, but they have a specific reason for that fear. It’s usually not because they want to date other women or are just afraid of being tied down.
Some men are afraid of disappointing their partner. Sometimes they’re afraid of losing their independence. Sometimes it’s just the woman’s behavior that scares a man away from making a serious commitment.
You may be able to determine why he’s holding back if you pay close attention to his behavior and conversation. Is he giving you any of these signs? These signs suggest that he really does want a commitment from you, but isn’t moving forward with it for a very specific reason.
1. He fawns over you…but always stops short of saying, “I love you.”
Most men will eventually say “I love you” first, or some variation of the sentence using the big L word. If, however, your guy avoids saying it like it’s a forbidden chant, then he’s definitely holding back. It might not be wise to say “I love you” first, because it’s quite possible he won’t give you much in return. (And that’s always an awkward moment when you don’t get an “I love you” back!)
The reason for this behavior may be that he’s still reeling from old relationship baggage and is afraid to trust someone or reveal vulnerability. Maybe he was cheated on, or dumped, or friend-zoned, or whatever. Maybe he also has some mother issues to boot. But he thinks that as soon as he falls for you and makes himself vulnerable, you’re going to leave him. Men with abandonment issues need partners who are patient, reassuring and warm in their communication.
2. Everyone in your man’s life thinks the two of you are an item…except him.
His family and friends think you two are ready for a commitment…or maybe that you’re already planning your future! The only problem is that he hasn’t given you hardly anything. He may go places with you and even admit you’re his girlfriend. But commitment seems the farthest thing from his mind.
It seems as if he’s almost passively resentful at the idea of falling in love. He’s already introduced you to his family, which is a pretty big deal. (After all, if he keeps you away from his family, you’re nowhere near his heart!) The real issue may be that he doesn’t feel ready for the obligation of a serious relationship. He may not fear exclusivity as much as he fears family expectations, career changes, lifestyle changes and the like.
The best thing to do for him may be to reassure him that you like/love him because of his independent nature. Encourage him to follow his heart and not do anything he doesn’t honestly want to do.
The problem with this scenario is that sometimes he really does need a few more years of “maturing” and that could spell trouble for your relationship. This is why we always emphasize the point to make him work harder for your attention, so that he realizes your worth.
3. He is all about inspiration, not organization.
There are many men who love romance and will treat you as their muse. But when it comes to planning ahead, planning engagements and weddings, and seeing a future together in the real world, he just seems to have ADHD! Is this normal?
Actually, most guys are capable of seeing a future with the woman they love. That’s why problems will develop if they’re not actually in love with you as a unique person. Some men really do fall in love with the thrill of being in love. So everything he tells you and gives to you is genuine. But it’s not the stuff that makes a long-term relationship.
He will always be absent or avoidant when it comes to problem solving, working issues out as a couple and making serious decisions. If this is the case, you really have to communicate to him your concerns and emphasize that you have a timeframe for your own happiness and that you can’t wait on him forever.
4. He is very passionate but also keeps secrets. He is afraid of total intimacy because he’s afraid of scaring you.
A man that acts as if he loves you and yet hides a side of himself like he’s Bruce Banner, is probably afraid of hurting you. He wants to be completely honest and intimate but he fears that you won’t understand the real “Him.” He doesn’t want to lose you, but he doesn’t want to risk scaring you away completely.
Rather than just promise him that you can take whatever his dark side is, it’s a better idea to be patient and take “baby steps” towards understanding what’s stressing him. Don’t ask for it all at once. Try to determine what he’s afraid of and keep him talking. Encourage him to be more honest and reward him for confiding in you. Don’t judge and be open-minded when he tells you things that are difficult to process.
The main motivation here is his low self-confidence so help him to appreciate that he IS loved, and that even bad behavior (IF it really is that big of a deal) doesn’t have to define him as a man. Encourage him to work towards achieving what he really wants out of life, without letting setbacks discourage him. Eventually, he will realize that you care for him more than anyone else does…and he will want that commitment with you.
Once you notice the signs that he loves you “but”, it’s time to figure out his motivation and then take specific steps to reassure him of your loyalty. Then again, if you’ve done everything you can to reassure him of your commitment, but he continuously refuses to give you his, it may be time to do some soul-searching.
A man should want to chase you and work for your attention. If he stops working to impress you then the relationship cannot continue. You deserve better than that.
This 1 Mistake Makes Him Lose His Desire to Commit
If you’re in a casual, friend with benefits, “situationship” with a guy that you have feelings for but he doesn’t feel the same way or he won’t commit to you…
If you’re sitting around waiting for a man to commit to you and questioning whether you should walk away or give him more time…
If you’re single and you feel like all the men you meet just want sex, don’t put in any effort, or are all talk and no action…
If you’re tired of all the games, putting in all the effort while getting nothing back, and men who are confused or not sure what they really want…
Make sure you NEVER press his “commitment phobia button” or else he’ll feel like you’re the WRONG woman for him.
He’ll begin to feel unsure, confused, and avoid the topic altogether.
Talk soon,
Matthew Coast
P.S. If a man IS commitment-phobic, your best chance of making him crave a commitment with you is to use something I call, “The Power Phrase.”
Many times, this is EXACTLY what he needs to hear to commit.
Yes I accept all the above statement
Won’t commit because He’s in jail !
I accept all the above statement , he hardly say i love you rather he might say he appreciate my love and love making love to me
He kept saying he prefers physical intimacy and is attracted to me but could not reply when I asked him about the start of emotional intimacy.
This is confusing as I believe there should be both physical and emotional intimacy
Sex is for marriage. He doesn’t respect you.
, great advice ……makes since to me after reading this …….. Thanks…..
Pushing you away then saying he is lonely without you.Saying he needs you and your love. Back in his life then pushing you away again. Whats happening . so confused
He must be not into you dear, pray for the right choice,God is the answer to every hearts cry.
Borderline personality disorder
My told he love me 7 time last Thursday when I seen him haven’t text since last Friday this is four days without him text me or calling me being Rocky moment by others tryna get in middle of him and I . I love him so much talk about some stuff we both by next year .
If the man truly love you and loves you enough he will want to marry you. If he doesn’t, you need to let him go. Don’t waste your time. He isn’t the man for you and move on.
Marriage isn’t a “have to have”, especially if you are older. Sometimes a committed relationship is perfect.
That’s what I ‘m looking for. I don’t want or need marriage at my age( 70+). But I do want to be cherished, and I like a consistent date every week.
Yes. I agree with your view..marriage isn’t the be all and end all. Personally I feel marriage is for child bearing people.
At Mt age (60’s) I’m not interested in marriage but companionship will be my goal with someone special.
I signed up for your text information but I got a code number but I can’t get into it and I can’t get you to respond so what am I supposed to do I just out because I can’t make the connection I can’t do this go on there’s a whole list of www a whole bunch of numbers and things which I don’t understand nor do I know what that means I’m supposed to do I’ve asked you for a text message so that you could explain it to me or give me a number to talk to somebody but I haven’t had any response and I’ve tried to half a dozen times
If you’re having problems with an order, contact our customer support and they’ll take care of you. Click this link – http://m.me/MatthewCoastRA
I think this is the best one from you, Matthew, that I’ve read yet and opened my eyes to a couple of things that I still wasn’t seeing…thank you very much for this
I think sometimes men and women speak a different language, he has at times made it very clear how much he cares, but if he doesn’t continuously state it, I worry that he doesn’t, so maybe my issues cloud the issue. He’s told me, does he have to keep telling me? I feel that’s something I need, maybe he thinks I’ve been told so should know, nobody ever said relationships are easy
Yes, that’s what you call reassurance. We all need that. “Somebody” tells me I love you, I miss you, darling several times a day or calls me anytime just to say “darling, how are you doing today”?
Actually I have the same ensure but he doesn’t want to open up with is life or what are we
Saturday night he says I love you.
Sunday morning don’t want you to come back
Being together 2 years use to go everywhere after he got off from work and weekends we out to Chinese restaurant or Mexican restaurant we’ve not been out together since last year he works 7 days a week never call me if I call him he always have excuses say he will call me back never dose he blocked me on his Facebook message and whatapp if I call his phone his phon. Voice mail full can’t leave a message never says I love you he just comes over when he wants to I do really love him all my heart but deep in my heart I know he not telling me something he being here 21 years from Mexico and my greatness fear is he might still be married said he’s not so I don’t even ask questions anymore if he wants to tell me anything it’s up to him but I know he talking to alot of other women I meet 2 of his women friends now we are best friends but that not the women I’m talking about when he’s at my house he’s gets phone calls from women I’ve seen there names come up they ring his phone 2 times then hang up when they do that he says i.got to go what really hurts is he is 62 but the ones on his Facebook message is in there 20 and 30 and all they are after is money he even told me and the friends that I don’t understand why he still talking to them and he had the nerves to tell me on our 2 year anniversary they was woman that lived below him that he calls to check on her son. I don’t say anything but I don’t believe he calls her about her son when he can walk to her house. Some things got to come out he needs to get honest with me or I’m going give up trying he use to say he loves you not anymore I don’t need books and videos tell me anything I was married 42 years and was cheated on I finally got the courage to walk away being divorced since 28th of June. And I can walk away again from this relationship I can’t handle being hurt anymore
This man has his priorities in other places. This is an unbalanced situation where you care too much and he doesn’t care much at all. If you want him to chase you, Make Yourself SCARCE. Don’t answer the next text, email or phonecall. Let him worry he is losing you. After four tries of him trying to reach you, answer ONLY in a short way. Not a long text, not a long email, a very short phonecall. In these communications give away only very little info of what you are doing. Let him think your life is busy going out with various friends. Right now to him you are just a convenience when he has a few crumbs of time. You deserve WAY more than that!
If he still doesn’t communicate much after the few short communications you have had let, let him go. Get out with friends, have parties and look for someone else!!
Good advice
Sounds like you’re easy trying far too much time & head space with him.
Go out, meet new people.
Start a new hobby or class.
Be busy when he wants to see you, or too tired to see him as you’ve had such a great day.
Let HIM wonder what you’re up to. Life is good. Don’t waste it on wasters.
God bless you !
(& Marge for your good advice)
Alot of this hit home
been on n off in a friendship been intimate he stopped all contacts 4 years ago after 2 year friendship all of a sudden contacted me back a year AGO and we still in contact but hes not making sense still want to have contact with me he has feelings for me but hasnt said i love you i told him how i felt about him and yeah still no certainty what do you think matt
Been with my other half for 6 years. We have 2 daughters. He works alot. He has been turning me down for sexual activities. When he’s at home I feel invisible, I’m always wrong (no matter what). I’ve been sick and he says its my fault. He sleeps beside me nd thats it. Whats a woman to think or do?
My husband says he loves me and I’m the only one here wants to be with but why does he lie and cheat on me?
I have this issue as well ..
Not once but twice I no of that he has had some kind of intimacy with .. I have comforted him several times, I have confronted him with much very much evidence nd prove of him having intimate connections with these woman.. He denies everything nd replies back with I don’t answers shuts down to conversation and doesn’t what to discuss it in anyway.. He says it’s in the past let it go..
I know he is lying straight to my face .. I have also caught him sneaking around hiding things from me.. I do my best to communicate with him in a manner able way .. I try to get to the core of his behavior but he will not let me in.. He shuts down the conversation nd changes on to talk about something else..
This hurts it breaks my heart
Ì love him I love all about his he has my heart like no other man..
He won’t express himself to me he will not open up he won’t let me in.. I have TRIED I have TRIED soo many times.. He has no remorse of the wrong he has down too me the hurt he has brought upon me
Over the past 2 and a bit yrs ..
He keeps his telephone calls too it doesn’t matter too.. Parents friends boss daughter exes ..
Etc
I dont get it I don’t understand
How can one say they love u and ur the only one he wants to be with.. Then turn around nd dirt her like she doesn’t exist..
Why ? How ?
What am I doing wrong pls help me understand
It hurts
Sooo much !!
He said he loved me but idk idk I don’t believe he cares nor loves me the way I love him.
I feel unappreciated unworthy used .. & now I am completely confused I feel lost ..
Why I he doing this to me
We don’t have that emotion connection, he never listens to me he doesn’t give to shits about what I want or feel the need to talk about and share with him..
Hea forever cutting me off when speaking ..
Well I am currently married but he changed. I knew he had problems. I urged him to get help. He did. He has PTSD & multiple personalities. Which is called another name but to spell it right.I can’t. He had trauma in his child hood.Anyhow he has become verbally abusive & showing signs of being physically abusive. I am leaving him. I can’t live in fear. My first marriage was filled with domestic violence. I was 19. I stayed married to him 17 yrs.. I was scared to death of him. Finally after him getting me in a choke hold & I blocked out this. He threw a butcher knife at my 16yr old daughter. I put him in jail. He followed me even after I left him. I had to move among family to get him to leave me alone. Now my second marriage is going down the tubes.
Until I am fully divorced I won’t get in a relationship. But I met someone on a social site. I told him I was still married but I am in the process of leaving him . We texted for a while. I even talked to him .We even had deeper texts for 6hrs. He told me he loved me. We had a connection. I never felt like that before. But after that 6hrs his text got farther apart. He told me in one text he had been busy. I tried to engage him . I ran across your texting help. I tried it but no success. I am going to give up. I feel like he doesn’t want me. We even had a song. Amazed by Lonestar. I can’t get rid of his pics or his videos where he tells me he loves me.. I have never felt like this. I haven’t texted him. I am hoping he will text me. But I realize that he might not. I may have a broken heart. I am in tears just writing about it.
I was scammed on Facebook. Don’t care to use Facebook anymore. Can I use text messaging on my text app instead?
Looking for someone to text who is a Catholic Christian. I cannot remarry or I’ll lose all health.VA benefits
Looking forward to text someone who is a Romantic but I don’t want marriage. I could meet do lunch, go to museums, concerts, plays etc.
I met a guy
Every time I send him a text all he does is just “reads” it and response back
Yes – so he hasn’t much interest – he’s not playing games Sweetie!
They don’t – men chase women to the ends of the earth and back!
Have higher self respect –
Be indignant and offended by his lack of participation in you!
Then walk – watch him try to claw you back
Then block him x ♀️
Always be prepared to walk away from a man you love!
Love yourself more x
My husband left in January, twice has asked to see if we can make it work. It is great and then he starts to become distant. He’s staying at his parents home. He picks and chooses what messages to respond too! I had enough of being messed around so said I was done! I miss him a lot, I have to see I him for our child but it is so hard when I see him. Late last year he messaged a friend of mine to hook up. He said he thought I didn’t love him. I’m hurting, and the is playing so many games now and when I react he turns it all in me makes out I’m a bad person for my reaction.
Have been thru the all the games, all the excuses, cheated on, lied to, used, ghosted, ignored. They all act like they like u and hang out with u then they get distant, withdraw, or just plain disappear. They all have an agenda and it’s sickening. I think I give too much too fast and they can’t stand the strong independent woman that I am. They see want I can do and what I’m willing to give and it scares them cause they can’t add up to who I am. They all make me feel as if I’m the unworthy and I’m useless and invisible. They can’t handle what I am and they have an inferiority complex. They don’t want to change to measure up. Too bad their loss
I agree with your statement. Im learning as i go along most men will tell you what you want to hear and the minute you give sex here comes the distance, ghosting, making you one night stands. Ive been hurt through all the same things. Thou i don’t have to be married just in a committed relationship i tell them i’m looking for marriage/dating with a purpose because it scare the ones who never wanted any commitment. Another thing i do is ask for STD testing so while we wait it give me more time to chat and most don’t make it or refuse the test. That’s another way to weed out the bad ones. These are things i had into place for my safety.
To bad it’s their loss.