4 Signs He Wants a Commitment with You (But Isn’t Moving Forward with It)

If you’re in a spot where you can tell a guy likes you but you’re confused about why he doesn’t just come out and say it, or why he won’t commit to an exclusive relationship with you, you have to consider his motivation.

First, consider what attracts him to you. Second, consider why he’s holding back and not giving you that commitment and what he feels he’s protecting himself from.

Men will avoid commitment for a number of reasons. I think the whole “all men are commitmentphobic” belief is actually a misconception. Men might be afraid to commit, but they have a specific reason for that fear. It’s usually not because they want to date other women or are just afraid of being tied down.

Some men are afraid of disappointing their partner. Sometimes they’re afraid of losing their independence. Sometimes it’s just the woman’s behavior that scares a man away from making a serious commitment.

You may be able to determine why he’s holding back if you pay close attention to his behavior and conversation. Is he giving you any of these signs? These signs suggest that he really does want a commitment from you, but isn’t moving forward with it for a very specific reason.

1. He fawns over you…but always stops short of saying, “I love you.”

Most men will eventually say “I love you” first, or some variation of the sentence using the big L word. If, however, your guy avoids saying it like it’s a forbidden chant, then he’s definitely holding back. It might not be wise to say “I love you” first, because it’s quite possible he won’t give you much in return. (And that’s always an awkward moment when you don’t get an “I love you” back!)

The reason for this behavior may be that he’s still reeling from old relationship baggage and is afraid to trust someone or reveal vulnerability. Maybe he was cheated on, or dumped, or friend-zoned, or whatever. Maybe he also has some mother issues to boot. But he thinks that as soon as he falls for you and makes himself vulnerable, you’re going to leave him. Men with abandonment issues need partners who are patient, reassuring and warm in their communication.

2. Everyone in your man’s life thinks the two of you are an item…except him.

His family and friends think you two are ready for a commitment…or maybe that you’re already planning your future! The only problem is that he hasn’t given you hardly anything. He may go places with you and even admit you’re his girlfriend. But commitment seems the farthest thing from his mind.

It seems as if he’s almost passively resentful at the idea of falling in love. He’s already introduced you to his family, which is a pretty big deal. (After all, if he keeps you away from his family, you’re nowhere near his heart!) The real issue may be that he doesn’t feel ready for the obligation of a serious relationship. He may not fear exclusivity as much as he fears family expectations, career changes, lifestyle changes and the like.

The best thing to do for him may be to reassure him that you like/love him because of his independent nature. Encourage him to follow his heart and not do anything he doesn’t honestly want to do.

The problem with this scenario is that sometimes he really does need a few more years of “maturing” and that could spell trouble for your relationship. This is why we always emphasize the point to make him work harder for your attention, so that he realizes your worth.

3. He is all about inspiration, not organization.

There are many men who love romance and will treat you as their muse. But when it comes to planning ahead, planning engagements and weddings, and seeing a future together in the real world, he just seems to have ADHD! Is this normal?

Actually, most guys are capable of seeing a future with the woman they love. That’s why problems will develop if they’re not actually in love with you as a unique person. Some men really do fall in love with the thrill of being in love. So everything he tells you and gives to you is genuine. But it’s not the stuff that makes a long-term relationship.

He will always be absent or avoidant when it comes to problem solving, working issues out as a couple and making serious decisions. If this is the case, you really have to communicate to him your concerns and emphasize that you have a timeframe for your own happiness and that you can’t wait on him forever.

4. He is very passionate but also keeps secrets. He is afraid of total intimacy because he’s afraid of scaring you.

A man that acts as if he loves you and yet hides a side of himself like he’s Bruce Banner, is probably afraid of hurting you. He wants to be completely honest and intimate but he fears that you won’t understand the real “Him.” He doesn’t want to lose you, but he doesn’t want to risk scaring you away completely.

Rather than just promise him that you can take whatever his dark side is, it’s a better idea to be patient and take “baby steps” towards understanding what’s stressing him. Don’t ask for it all at once. Try to determine what he’s afraid of and keep him talking. Encourage him to be more honest and reward him for confiding in you. Don’t judge and be open-minded when he tells you things that are difficult to process.

The main motivation here is his low self-confidence so help him to appreciate that he IS loved, and that even bad behavior (IF it really is that big of a deal) doesn’t have to define him as a man. Encourage him to work towards achieving what he really wants out of life, without letting setbacks discourage him. Eventually, he will realize that you care for him more than anyone else does…and he will want that commitment with you.

Once you notice the signs that he loves you “but”, it’s time to figure out his motivation and then take specific steps to reassure him of your loyalty. Then again, if you’ve done everything you can to reassure him of your commitment, but he continuously refuses to give you his, it may be time to do some soul-searching.

A man should want to chase you and work for your attention. If he stops working to impress you then the relationship cannot continue. You deserve better than that.

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Talk soon,

Matthew Coast

P.S. If you’ve been banging your head against the wall because you’ve fallen for a man who’s frustratingly unavailable…

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About The Author

Matthew Coast

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