Here’s a question from someone in our community…
Hi Matthew. You asked in your first mail why did i subscribe: Why did i subscribe, well im in a relationship with a guy for 9 and half years, neither interested in marriage, and lately i compete with his friends for his attention and i spend 99 percent of the time home alone looking after the 4 dogs we have. Ive fought with him and got no where. Ignored his behaviour and also no change in his attitude.
I am on verge of saying goodbye but willing to give it one last attempt.
His friends take priority over me. Its like i no longer exists but when he needs someone or something he knows who i am and really getting tired of bring an option. I cannot telm you when last it was just him and i doing something together.
Any advice or insight?!
Hi, thanks for the questions.
Right now, it sounds like you’re in what we call a lose/win relationship. He’s getting what he wants but you’re not getting what you want.
There are a lot of women in our community who can relate with your situation. A healthy relationship is a compromise between two people.
You have to give something up which is somewhat valuable to you in order to get something that is much more valuable than what you gave up.
The problem you’re facing is a lack of boundaries and expressed clarity as to what you need in order to for your relationship to work out.
If you had established a healthy boundary, you’d either be getting what you want right now or you wouldn’t be in the relationship.
My suggestion, if you want to give it one last shot, is to get very clear on what it is that you need… for instance… maybe you decide you need one-on-one time with him at least three times a week for an hour. Just make sure you know what it is and give him enough information about it that he can know exactly what he needs to do in order to accomplish it.
My suggestion is that you tell him how serious this is and how important it is to you. For instance, you might want to tell him that you don’t feel like you want to be in the relationship anymore.
Tell him that you don’t want to leave the relationship but that you’re no longer going to allow yourself to be in a relationship where you aren’t getting your needs met. And that if things continue the way they are, you will leave because you respect yourself too much to allow him to get his needs met and disregard yours.
Then tell him that you really want to stay together with him but you need (and then tell him whatever it is that you need). And if he refuses to meet your needs, leave the relationship.
By the way, I don’t normally suggest using ultimatums as a healthy means of getting what you want. Most people use them in a false context because they haven’t really gotten to the point where they are willing to leave.
From what it sounds like, this is a last ditch effort to make things work before you walk out. And it’s very important that you let him know the severity of your feelings and how truly important this is to you.
And if you aren’t serious about leaving the relationship if things don’t change, then don’t tell him you will. Because if you tell him you’re going to leave if things don’t get better and then things don’t get better and you stay, he will lose all respect for what you say from that point until forever.
So, if you’re going to threaten leaving the relationship, you better be serious about it. Let us know how it goes.