Learning to Trust Again

Learning How to Trust Again – Inspirational Stories from Our Community

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This is a story that was sent to me from one of the readers of our newsletter. She gave me permission to share it with you anonymously. It’s a story about her growth in learning how to trust again from a painful and unfortunate childhood. I think we could all learn something from it and be inspired by the courage that it even took to tell this story.

Dear Matthew,

A few weeks ago, you sent out an email asking us to consider what obstacles and challenges we have overcome in order to achieve what we have in our lives. It took me a while to do this, because looking to the past is painful for me. But here it is, wrapped in a letter of thanks to you. It’s a long email, so you may wish to come back to it later, or have some chai to sip on while you read!

Thank you for reaching out to me, a stranger to a stranger, and offering encouragement and support. To give you an understanding of how much this means to me, I want to share a little of my story, so you’ll understand the impact you’ve had on me and my growth in learning to trust people.

I was raised in an environment of extremely orthodox Christianity. It was a punitive and restrictive existence. From infancy, I was sexually and psychologically abused by my father, whom I now know is diagnosable as a sociopath. I was my mother’s confidant and helper from the time I could walk and talk – a parentified child. My mother also sexually abused me under the coercion of her husband. Growing up, I assisted her in taking care of the nuclear and extended family such as cooking and cleaning for my brother and father and tending to my two alcoholic uncles. When I was 14 years old my brother tried to rape me. I was labeled as ‘painfully introverted’ and was afraid of everyone and everything. In school I was quiet and conscientious and relieved to be in class, where no-one could hurt me and I had no responsibilities, except to concentrate on my work. Although my teachers regularly complained of my excessive daydreaming, I was a compliant student and gave them no grief so they tended to ignore me. It was never expected that I would ‘amount to much’ and I was constantly derided and chastised for being ‘stupid’, ‘ugly’, ‘useless’ and the like.

Since adolescence I have fought recurring depression and suicidal thoughts. When as an adult, I finally had the courage to talk to someone about the tortures of my past, my story was questioned and disbelieved (by a psychiatrist and a church elder). It took me a long time after that, to share my story again. When my eldest niece was born and I warned the family never to leave her alone with her grandfather, again I was disbelieved and dismissed. My brother called me a witch. When I reported my concerns for my niece’s safety, to the child protection unit at the local police department, the investigation went no further than an interview with my brother who happened to be friends with the police officer and who chose to believe my brother rather than me. It was an issue that tortured me for many years – because I wanted to do all that I could to ensure my nieces would not endure the abuse that I had suffered.

Over the years I have fought my way through life, never regarding myself as a victim or even a survivor; in my mind I was always a fighter. I’ve had to learn to ‘raise myself’ and learn to do things that my peers take for granted. Many developmental tasks were unmet throughout my childhood, despite the fact I behaved in ‘grown up’ ways. As an ‘adult child’ I took care of things because I had to, my mother and my survival depended on it. However, I had to sacrifice my psychological and emotional development to do so.

I have been known to wonder, over the years, why I didn’t succumb to a life of drug addiction or prostitution or some other such demise. Why I’m not dying in a gutter somewhere, as is the fate of many with a history like mine. Perhaps it’s the two saving graces of books and dogs! Although I was a late developer academically speaking, I have a keen intelligence, and have always found solitude in books. Whenever I could, I would escape into a world of fantasy and adventure, taken there by my modest library (provided by my mother whenever she could afford it). It was the one gift my mother gave me, in spite of her troubles and her emotional dependency on me, she taught me to read and write before I began school at age four. Also, despite my inability to relate to and connect with other children, I could always count on my dogs. My dogs were my confidants and close companions. I have continued to adopt rescue dogs over the years as my way of giving to them as they have given to me – unconditional acceptance. We bring love and nurturing and unspoken understanding into one another’s lives. I have worked with many disturbed and damaged dogs over the years and they have been my most powerful teachers.

Despite my chaotic start to life, I have made some achievements in my career, first gaining a nursing qualification, then returning to university to study psychology and eventually obtaining a doctorate in clinical psychology and also becoming a yoga teacher. My studies in yoga and psychology are always ongoing as I expand my repertoire as a therapist and explore the depths of spirituality as a yoga student.

My approach to life has been scrappy at times, usually because while I’ve been trying to live my life, I’ve also been tending to the wounds of the little girl inside me who needs love and reassurance and comfort. However, against the odds, I’ve made it this far and I’m determined to keep going. I’ve been blessed with good teachers, in martial arts, in yoga, in meditation – who have guided me and shown me great forgiveness and patience. They have instructed me in ways that my parents could/ did not, and I’m grateful for all of them.

There are many layers of healing to be done. Thus is true for all of us. At one time, I naively thought I could spend a year in intense therapy, do the work that needed to be done and then having ticked all the boxes, get on with the rest of my life (as if none of the cruelty had ever happened). I’ve learned the hard way, that childhood wounds do not heal that way. They have their own timing and their own lessons to teach and I must respect that. So I get on with my life the best I can, and I get on with healing the best I can. Each day is a new challenge and a new lesson to be lived.

So, you see when you reached out to me, two strangers on the internet, I was surprised that anyone would do something so selfless for someone they did not know. Especially since you never asked for anything in return. Now that you know a little of my story, you will understand that trusting others is a big deal for me. Perhaps it was your willingness to be genuine, authentic and straightforward that prompted me to trust you and respond to that initial email you sent.

I hope you can appreciate the extent of my gratitude. I continue to be encouraged by your emails. You have a gift for getting right to the core of what’s important in life and expressing that in a way that inspires people.

If you do decide to share my story with your other readers, please do so anonymously. My father, despite his elder years continues to be a vengeful man and I moved out of my country of origin and took a new name so I could begin a new life. I do not wish to have any connection with him or give him any opportunity to locate me. But if you feel my story will be of help or inspiration to others, then I don’t want to deny them that gift.

Know that I greatly appreciate the work that you do. It’s your humanness and your willingness to share your authentic self with others that has greatly inspired me. You believed in me when I doubted myself. And while I’m still finding my courage, I know each day will take me further along the road to inner freedom and living an inspired life. My hope is and has always been that I can inspire and encourage others to find their place in the world and to find inner freedom, whatever that may mean for them.

If there is ever a time I can be of help to you, please ask and I will gladly offer my support.

With immense gratitude,

—–

While I certainly don’t come from the same type of abusive background that the writer of this story does, I can still relate to a lot of what she said. I’ve had my own struggles around trusting people and being willing and brave enough to open up and share myself with others.

If you have a story that you think would inspire or benefit others, please feel free to contact me, even if you’d like it to be shared anonymously or not shared at all. It’s healthy to express yourself and what is going on deep inside. It can bring about a lot of healing.

I’ll speak with you again soon.

The 5 Word Phrase That Destroys a Man’s Love For You And Drives Him Out Of Your Life

There’s a simple 5 word phrase that will destroy any man’s love for you and drive him out of your life completely…

It usually comes out as an honest question when you want to connect with him…

But only serves to push him away and slowly kill your relationship from the inside out…

It can take a man who is filled with love and passion for you…

And make him feel cold, distant, and uninterested…

Have you figured out what it is yet?

Many women send this as a text message when they’re feeling insecure…

And then are confused why he suddenly pulls away and disappears completely…

Most of the women who ask it don’t even know how harmful it is…

Yet it can take a relationship that seems like it’s perfect…

A relationship where you feel loved, cared for, and like you’ve finally found “the one”…

And overnight, it can tear that relationship apart…

Leaving you confused, frustrated, and heartbroken…

If you don’t know what this simple yet seemingly innocent question is…

I want you to stop what you’re doing and go watch this video presentation that I put together for you at the link below…

Click here to watch the video now <<

My name is Matthew Coast and I’ve been teaching in the dating industry on since 2005…

I’ve helped hundreds of thousands of women, all over the world…

Get into relationships where they feel loved, seen, and cherished by the men they’re with…

When you click the link this link right here <<

I show you what this 5 word phrase is…

I’ll teach you about why men pull away, how to stop it from happening…

And how to attract the man you want…

Into a relationship where you’re loved and adored and treated like a priority…

No matter how painful things have been in your past…

You can attract a great man and have a great relationship…

Just click the link on your screen and the watch the video right now…

If you’re struggling with men pulling away from you…

If you’re tired of giving everything to a relationship and only being taken for granted…

And if you’re ready to have a man see you as a woman that he wants to be with forever…

Click this link to watch my video right now <<

The 1 thing you MUST do to get a man to beg YOU for a committed relationship

The 1 Thing You MUST Do to Get a Man to Beg YOU for a Committed Relationship

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Here’s the big secret…

A guy will beg you for a committed relationship if you do one thing:

Behave in a way that tells him that you are EXACTLY what he’s looking for when it comes to that type of relationship.

The cool part of what I am sharing today is that this works with almost EVERY guy!

First, let’s talk about what men want

Despite what you might have heard, guys aren’t just in it for the sex.

It’s not that sex isn’t an important part of a relationship for a man, because it certainly is.

If you go into a relationship just hoping that a guy will see your value, your entire relationship is likely to be focus around the quality and quantity of your sex… which isn’t the making of a good relationship.

Here’s the thing…

The same man who sleeps with one woman and never talks to her again will end up begging a second woman to commit to him.

If you want to be the woman who he wants for a committed relationship, you need to trigger in him the feeling that he’s met “the one” he’s been looking for.

I’m going to walk you through what this secret process is that thousands of other women have used to create this same result with the men in their lives.

I uncovered a serious problem when working with men

I want to make sure you fully understand what I’m talking about here, so let me start off telling you how I found this…

I wasn’t always the go-to guy when it comes to helping women create extraordinary relationships with quality men. In fact, I used to work exclusively with men on how to create extraordinary relationships with women.

Thinking back, it was the fall of 2007. I had been working with a few men on how to build deep, passionate relationships with women they found to be attractive.

I was teaching men, who were having trouble getting into relationships, on how to really connect with women… and we kept running into the same problem over and over again.

Even if he did everything right to setup and create a powerful connection with a woman that he thought was physically attractive, he would lose interest with her after they slept together.

The men felt like they were settling if they stayed with them.

Why did this happen?

After doing some research, we discovered the problem:

While the men were doing everything they needed to do in order to create that special connection with the women they were meeting, the women didn’t open themselves up to create the same connection with the men.

You see, creating the type of connection that results in an extraordinary relationship takes two willing people. It doesn’t matter if it’s the guy creating it with the woman or the woman creating it with the guy, you both need to be in a space where this type of a relationship is something you desire and are open to.

You may be ready for the relationship you’ve always wanted. You can know exactly what to say and do in order to create that type this type of relationship.

However, if the guy you like isn’t in the same space, you’re just wasting your time.

Here’s how to know if he’s ready:

3 ways you know that a guy isn’t ready for the relationship you want…

1. He’s emotionally unavailable

It isn’t always the case, however, most women typically mature emotionally faster than most guys do. There are a lot of cultural reasons for this and this is something to watch out for.

If a guy is shut down emotionally, it will feel like he doesn’t care. This usually isn’t true. It’s just that he isn’t in touch with the part of himself that allows him to feel what is going on with you.

It will also seem like he’s insensitive and he’ll avoid getting deep about who he is and what his fears and dreams are.

These types of men aren’t typically looking for or open to the type of relationship that you’re looking for. He won’t commit himself to the relationship and you’ll end up just getting hurt.

2. He’s living as a victim to his past

We all have things from our past that stop us from living in the present fully. Things happened when we were kids and it impacts how we live our daily lives.

However, there are some people who get really wrapped up in what happened in the past that it prevents them from moving forward with anything in their lives.

There’s nothing particularly wrong with this. It’s just that if you meet a guy who constantly talks about how bad something was or how he doesn’t like something in particular, he’s stuck in victimizing himself to the past.

It’s not a problem if its just around a certain topic or it just comes up once in awhile. If it’s a non-stop theme that defines him and his relationships, that’s when you have a cause for concern.

There are a few ways to know that he’s stuck in this kind of a mindset… One way is if he’s always talking about how much he dislikes an ex-girlfriend of his.

He also may be resistant to planning for his future or committing to future events. Another is that he might spend a lot of time wishing, hoping, or arguing for a time in his past when he thought his life was better.

3. He won’t open up and be vulnerable about himself

This type of guy is afraid of what might happen if he opens himself up. He has some type of block that prevents him talking about who he really is.

Usually, this also stems from some type of psychologically traumatic experience from his past. If I were you, I’d avoid attempting to fix the men you want a relationship with.

The trap that many women fall into is that they end up enabling a man’s fear of opening up by getting into a relationship with him, even though she knows he’s unwilling to open up.

What eventually happens is that the guy starts to feel like he doesn’t have to open up because he’s already got the woman he wants. He doesn’t feel like he really needs to do what might be uncomfortable so that he can connect with her… because he feels like he’s already got her.

And then she ends up emotionally wrapped up in a relationship with a man who isn’t willing to give to her what she’s giving to him. This also ends in heartache and I suggest you avoid this type of man as well.

So, what am I supposed to do once I find a man who ready for a relationship?

I’m glad you asked. Here’s what you do:

How to go from friendship to relationship

As we talked about earlier, if you want to create a real relationship with a guy, you have to create an emotional connection with him.

It’s not enough to just create that emotional connection though, you need to create both an emotional and sexual connection with a man.

The best way to do this is to tease him… give him a compliment and then playfully take it away. Here’s how:

Find something that you like or admire about his personality or tell him that something he does or wears is attractive or hot.

Then, immediately make a takeaway by playfully teasing him about something that he wouldn’t interpret as insulting. If it’s insulting, it’ll destroy this. If it’s just a playful tease, he’ll love it.

Here are some examples:

“Wow… that shirt actually looks pretty hot on you… Now we’ll have to work on your choice of socks…”

Or:

“The way you passionately talk about your job is kind of sexy… It’s just too bad you’re such a dork!” (stick your tongue at him).

The point is to take the conversation out of the realm of friendship and create the possibility that something else might exist… then, you pull it back by playfully teasing him.

This lets him know that there may be some type of a sexual interest that you have for him. Yet you’re putting up a barrier to that attraction which tells him that he hasn’t won you over yet.

Doing this type of a tease can be a powerful way to switch his thinking from a “just friends” type of an attitude to sparking an emotionally charged sexual tension with him.

This is a great way to create what most people call, “chemistry” between yourself and a guy. However, this is just the beginning…

If you really want him to beg you to create a committed relationship with him, you need to deepen the chemistry with him by showing him that you understand and support him in a way that few people do… You need to connect with his heart.

If you’d like to find out what’s stopping you from attracting the right man into a committed, lasting relationship, take my quiz.

It’s free and based on your answers to just a few questions, I can help you determine exactly what your biggest obstacle is and what you need to do differently in order to attract the man and the relationship you want in your life.

Click here to take the quiz and discover what’s stopping you from meeting Mr. Right

Disclaimer: Results will vary, and you should not use this information as a substitute for help from a licensed professional. Good luck!

The #1 Rule for Attracting a High Quality Guy...

The #1 Rule for Attracting a High Quality Guy…

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Several years ago (it feels like several lifetimes), I lived in Phoenix and worked as a men’s dating coach.

Growing up, I struggled desperately to understand women and had serious social problems around dating and meeting them.

So I studied and practiced and became really good at finding, attracting and dating women (that’s how I became a men’s dating coach)… there was a problem though…

Even though I became really good at talking to women and even “picking them up” (the skills and goals men want to learn in dating usually slightly differ in some ways from women), I was constantly finding myself in miserable, unhealthy relationships.

Even when I’d meet a woman who I thought was a quality person, we would end up in this horrible relationship with each other.

It was like nothing I could do would change the way my relationships developed. It was so confusing. I mean, I was saying all the right things, I had all the right moves… I basically had my pick of single women.

It actually didn’t matter who I dated because it all ended in one thing…

Frustration.

At one point, I thought maybe it was the women that were the problem. I mean, I was meeting TONS of them and it just seemed like every woman I met had a secret crazy button that was just waiting to go off.

It was until I really sat down and thought about it that I realized what was going on…

It wasn’t the women that were the problem, it was me!

And I don’t mean that I was a bad person or that I needed to change who I was or anything like that…

Let me ask you something…

What do I mean when I say “quality”? A quality man…

Here’s an even better question…

What does a quality man want in a woman?

If you can answer that question, you’ll know what kind of a realization that I started making.

To make this long story short, here’s the realization I had:

It’s not that there aren’t any quality women out there… it’s that who I was being… how I was acting, the way I presented myself… wasn’t attracting quality women into my life.

In fact, the way I was behaving, while it was very attractive to women in general… it was still a “little off” for really high quality women.

Because a high quality woman is looking for a high quality man… and vice versa.

A high quality man wants a high quality woman.

I was literally repelling high quality women because I was showing them that I hadn’t matured into a quality man yet.

How?

There are signals that show people what your maturity level is… signals that cannot be faked. And there are signals that show people that you’re still stuck in little princess or little girl world, and that you haven’t matured as a woman yet… if that’s the case.

And it certainly was the case for me (I was still a little boy in my actions obviously, not a little girl. Just work with me here!).

A quality man only wants to date a quality woman. The mistake that most women make is that they attempt to attract men with their looks and sexual attractiveness because they think that’s all men care about.

And it can get you a lot of attention, for sure. That’s why most women think this is more important.

However, if a quality man sees that you’re sexually attractive to him yet not mature… as in you haven’t developed yourself into a quality woman yet… you’ll immediately be removed from the possibility of a long-term relationship and he will only want sex from you.

And, if a man thinks of you as a high quality woman, he’ll pick you over other women who are younger or even prettier than you are because it’s so rare for him to run into a woman who is as attractive to him emotionally as you are.

The good news is that you can develop yourself into a quality woman… there are very specific action steps to doing this.

What it does NOT involve is changing who you are or acting like you’re someone else. What is DOES involve is you fully embracing, accepting, and loving yourself completely.

And once you do this, all the techniques and strategies that you’ve used to attract men physically… they become exponentially more powerful.

After several years and working with thousands of women in finding, meeting and attracting quality men, I’ve discovered there are only a few distinct barriers that stop a woman from attracting the right man into a committed relationship.

If you’d like to know which one is stopping you, click here to take the quiz. It’s free and I’ll show you exactly what’s stopping you from meeting Mr. Right and what you need to do in order to overcome it.

Click here to take the quiz and learn what’s stopping you from meeting Mr. Right

 

Disclaimer: Results will vary, and you should not use this information as a substitute for help from a licensed professional. Good luck!