Why Do Men Pull Away After Intimacy?
What happened? The dating and romance was going so well…and all of a sudden your guy thinks he’s Clark Kent and is looking for a phone booth far, far away from here!
What’s to explain this confusing male behavior? How does a man go from obsessed, chasing, romantic and excitable to just plain disinterested and bored after sex? Are men really that shallow?
It’s best to explain this issue in both a scientific and emotional way.
Sex Changes the Mind of a Man
The easiest explanation is scientific—the man simply changes biologically after sex happens. Sex changes the relationship because our bodies are altered and this change affects the way we think. For example, when women have sex, the bonding hormone oxytocin builds and releases leading to a flood of positive emotions. The better the orgasm, the deeper the emotional bonding.
The primary difference in men is that while they also get an oxytocin release with ejaculation, this actually results in lowering testosterone, which is what DRIVES a man’s romantic and sexual behavior in the first place. As soon as his testosterone drops, his natural reaction is to back away and think about EVERYTHING else but sex.
And unfortunately that sometimes means he has time to think about deep questions like, “Do I really want this relationship? Is she really going to be happy with me? Maybe I moved into this too fast.”
As you can see, a man’s mind is not obsessed with sex—it’s just that after sex he actually thinks about the future, where he’s going, and all the mistakes he’s made.
Sex is a Trade – Always Keep Your Value!
Psychologically speaking, remember that dating is a “trade game” where you always maintain your value and avoid giving away too much for too little. True, it’s not very romantic to think of love and making love in a trade context, but in early dating it’s unfortunately true. If you want to learn more about the early stages of dating a man read our article about why men pull away in early stages.
When a man is first attracted to you all he’s thinking about is sex. It’s what he desires in this trade off and so if he works hard to entertain you, keep your attention and do his best to “seduce you”, then he feels he’s earned the sex. Once you have sex, the deal is done. What more does he have to gain from this relationship if the initial curiosity has already been satisfied?
This is why it’s very important to keep the man waiting and challenge him to be MORE interested in you for the long-term. Make him “chase” you and appeal to his intellect, his emotions and his ego. Taking this approach:
• Lets him learn who you are as a person and shows him why you’re compatible
• Makes him work harder for your approval, which makes him realize you’re worth it
• Lets him know that you don’t sleep with guys just because they “want” – it takes someone very special to reach that point of intimacy.
Holding onto your “value” as a person in this trade is important because as soon as you tell a guy he can have sex for LITTLE EFFORT, you give him all the power. What you don’t give him keeps you in control. And as an independent, strong-minded woman you always want to be in control of this relationship, at least as far as your own behavior.
Why Do Men Pull Away After Emotional Intimacy?
Sex aside, what about when men back away emotionally—just as you start getting serious about love and marriage? Is it true that all men are commitment phobic?
Only to the extent that they are afraid of marrying the wrong woman, not necessarily that they fear commitment itself. After all, if a man feels possessive of a woman, and jealous of her time and company, this shows an innate desire to be committed and in an exclusive relationship.
It’s just that he feels unsure about himself and what he feels when he’s with you. Sometime this is a positive sign. For example, if he’s falling in love with you but is not quite ready to admit that, or come to terms with what he feels. This simply requires that you be patient with him. Give him time so he can see that you are trustworthy and the best thing that’s ever happened to him.
It can also be a negative sign. If a man has withdrawn from intimacy and is actually resisting your desire to come closer, this is a sign he needs independence. You may be pushing him too hard—especially if things have become too routine or if you’re making all the decisions lately.
He either needs independence for his own ego, or worse yet, he needs you to back off and stop demanding so much intimacy from him.
Yes, it can hurt when a man sends this message. You treasure the intimacy that you have! But don’t think about it in terms of losing intimacy. Think of it as a way of helping your boyfriend—letting him feel independent and free. He will appreciate this and will eventually come back to you, eager to work harder to get your trust once again.
What do you say when you sense a man is losing the desire for intimacy? In terms of sex, it’s best to be honest and not play games. Explain to him that you’re not looking for anything serious right now, nor are you the type to hop into bed. He should know upfront that he really has to work for it, if he wants this relationship to move forward. This will filter out the wrong type of man but keep the right type of man chasing you.
In terms of a long-term relationship, the best thing to do is to NOT talk about the strain in the relationship and to simply withdraw from him…until he comes to you.
Simply put, men DO want intimacy. But they also want independence. They also need a woman whom they consider to have high value, someone they have to chase. Remember these principles and no mind games are required. You will control the relationship and pacing, ensuring his long-term happiness.
When He Pulls Away, Do THIS
If you’re tired of men pulling away from you and you want to know how to make him want to come back and never leave again…
Here’s the secret…
In order for a man to come running back to you, he needs to feel two things…
The first one is REGRET for pulling away in the first place.
If you attack or punish him for pulling away, you’ll only make him want to pull away further.
Instead, you want him to feel like coming back to you is more pleasurable than being away.
The second thing you want him to feel is like HE MISSES YOU.
He can’t miss you if you smother him with calls and messages.
Apologizing, trying to see if he’s mad at you, seeing if he’s okay…
This only makes him feel like he needs more space.
There’s a 4 word text message that will make him feel both of these things when you send it to him.
If you’d like to hear what the text message is, click the link below right now to watch a video I put together about it…
Talk soon,
Matthew Coast
P.S. If you want a relationship where a man loves you, sees you, and cherishes you, then you need to watch this video…
