Should You Text Him First or Wait? – “When to Text a Guy”

There seems to be a lot of rules about texting times. We hear a lot of “Never do this” and “Always do this within a few days or hours.”

Makes you wonder who decided on all these rules? Was there some event that happened three hundred years ago, regarding male suitors sending too many handwritten letters at once to the prettiest debutante?

No…most likely, we all just get these ideas in our head. Experiences we remember that were positive or negative and then we learn from them. We figure what was true in our case is true for everyone else too.

But the truth is, there is usually no universal rule about the right time to text a guy – unless you know the guy! The more you know him, the more you can predict how he will respond favorably.

So in this discussion, we’re going to talk about how you should handle the timing of texts. Not only when to start a new conversation, but also how soon you should reply. Let’s start this conversation by analyzing some of “their rules” and then discussing a counterpoint.

Outdated Rule: Never text a guy first because then you look desperate.
Counterpoint: It doesn’t actually show you’re desperate. It just shows you are polite and efficient about communication. That’s not a bad thing.

Sure, it might appear desperate if you constantly text him and send a bunch of apology texts. If you immediately start texting or sending selfies, yeah, it comes across as weird. But sending a text to a friend is not that big of a deal.

There is no real rule against being the first person to SPEAK in a new friendship. Besides, if he’s not saying anything but you kind of get the vibe he likes you, what’s the harm in getting the conversation started with something innocent?

Outdated Rule: For the first time, text him the same day or night to show you’re interested.
Counterpoint: Text him when you can afford the time.

I’ve read this rule from time to time. It seems reasonable that if you have a great date or experience some great connection earlier in the day, why not tell him on the same day so he will get the message?

I think a better way of looking at it is to simply text him back when you can afford the time. When it seems natural according to your schedule – not really an hourly or daily rule. If you’re tired that night, text him in the morning. Better yet, message him when you’re feeling good and more attentive.

This rule seems to exist to discourage game-playing, which is probably a good idea. That brings us to the next rule…

Outdated Rule: Keep him waiting after his message, the longer the better.
Counterpoint: Or just message him when you can afford the time and when you have something to say.

In other words, don’t play games. Don’t make a guy wait for three or four days on end if you know he’s looking forward to your reply.

On the other hand, it’s never a good idea to write him too soon – like the minute the door closes on your way out. Or even seconds later, after his first reply. Give yourself some time to chill and more importantly, think about what you’re going to say before you say it.

There’s nothing wrong with stalling for a little while, so you can think things over. You won’t offend him if you make him wait a few hours or even a whole night, if you’re busy. What matters is that your reply is authentic and well-thought-out.

Outdated Rule: Don’t text him at odd hours of the day.
Counterpoint: Text him during the “peak hours” of his day/night.

It’s not a bad rule to be respectful of a man’s daily schedule. For obvious reasons, you don’t want to text him when you know he’s sleeping or when he’s working on something important.

But there’s nothing wrong with texting someone you like at nine PM, even if it’s “after hours.” The question is, will he appreciate it? Do you know for a fact he’s awake and attentive? Is he hoping you will write?

Maybe that’s the best time to write him then – when he can devote time to reading your message and replying to you. You may even notice over time that he responds more often at night, or in the morning, or on particular days. Make note of that and try to message him during those peak hours for better quality interaction.

Outdated Rule: If he doesn’t reply, don’t write him again.
Counterpoint: Or…only write him back when you think of something to say.

It’s a great idea to take a step back when a guy ignores you. There is no reason to always get the last word in. The fact that you’re chatting together is a good sign that you like him – at least a little bit. But he still has to invest more time into you.

The desire to respond to everything he says could be misconstrued as a little needy. When in doubt, only reply when you can share a new thought, make him laugh, or give some kind of positive association. It’s much better to not reply to the last text, and instead, put some new thought into starting a new text conversation.

In other words, spend more energy on keeping the conversation fun and exciting, rather than just sending him another simple post acknowledging his last comment.

As you can see, while there are obviously a few “Don’ts” here and there, there are not many “Definitely Do” tips. It just depends. It depends on the guy. It depends on the mutual level of attraction. And it depends on how well the last conversation went. Rather than try to stick so hard to a rigid timeline, instead, try to feel him out. Gauge his level of interest and try to match his energy.

This is a more effective strategy than just adhering to a rule. In the end, you want to proceed at a level and speed that he is comfortable doing. Essentially, you let him lead – and this is what reminds him that your romance is his idea.