The Real Reasons It’s So Hard to Get Over Him

It’s easy to look back in hindsight, and think things like:

“I was so young and stupid back then!”

“I should have known better…”

“Oh God, how I embarrassed myself…always thinking he was The One. Why did I always date such jerks?”

Sure, hindsight is 20/20. It’s easy to look back on relationships that happened years ago and laugh about them now.

But when it’s happening to you NOW…in the present…it’s like being in the middle of a storm, isn’t it?

It’s real. It’s powerful. It robs you of joy and fills your heart with grief. The slightest incline that a guy you crush on may really like gives you happiness. It warms your heart and gives you reason to wake up in the morning.

No doubt, love is like a blazing fire, a wise man once said.

When you’re under a man’s spell, it feels like nothing else matters. You were never really alive until you learned of his existence. Now your life is forever changed and you must have him, you must get your happily ever after!

Sound familiar?

Why is it that we fall so hard for somebody even when we know it’s never going to happen outside of our imagination?

Let’s consider a few reasons WHY it’s so hard to get over Him and what we don’t actually know about crushes and unrequited love.

1. You think you’ll never meet anyone as good as him ever again.

When someone wows you (and especially after you bring sex into the equation) you idolize that person, making him out to be a perfect paragon. All the qualities you ever wanted are embodied in him, right? Everyone else will fall short.

Only thing is…no, that’s not true. Before this guy existed, you had no idea what these special qualities you wanted even were! You fell in love with him and THEN you decided that these qualities were important to you.

So there is no logic in thinking you will never meet anyone as “good” as him. You will meet someone different than him. And if you fall in love with him, you will start cherish HIS unique qualities as the ones that make you happy. Funny how love works sometimes.

2. Because you realize now what the difference between love and infatuation: it’s the effect it has on you.

Love DOES feel a lot like infatuation. And here’s the unflattering truth: real love is active, it’s a mutual feeling between two partners, AND the effect it has on you is that it makes you a better person. It makes you feel secure, safe, loved, and happy to be living your life.

Infatuation on the other hand is what leaves you feeling cold, depressed, unloved, anxious, and inadequate—as you did something wrong, or didn’t “deserve” your crush. Real love builds people up, infatuation tears them down.

Infatuation lies to us by simulating one-sided feelings of love, but robbing us of the pay off. That is, true compatibility. The dynamic that makes marriages last.

You may feel, emotionally, that you ruined a relationship and that you’ll never be happy again. But the reality is that incompatibility just happened. There was no one person at fault. You tried, you gave it your best, but it wasn’t mean to be. Can you accept that?

Your ability to learn from mistakes of the past determines whether you’re ready to fall in love again—when real compatibility happens.

3. What you really miss is the way he made you feel.

Attraction for women is based on how a man makes her feel. So in cases of one-sided infatuation, you’re not actually missing the man himself. He’s incompatible, remember? What you miss is the way he made you feel. He made you feel beautiful. He made you experience the joy of intimacy, he made you feel desired.

But lost in this sea of emotion is WHO the man really was – who he was in comparison to the man you thought he was. That brings us to the next point…

4. You rearranged your life for him.

At first, it’s embarrassing to think about how you may have rearranged your life to accommodate him. You made plans for him and with him. In a way, you stopped being who you thought you were. Your dreams, your hobbies, maybe even your friends.

When all that comes crashing down, for a time, you have no idea who you are. You have to find yourself again, find that point where you left off. It’s time to rebuild your life and focus on making it feel balanced and complete. You were off course and now you’re back to thinking for yourself—for your own self-improvement.

You can get over him because you will soon get back to being who you really are.

And when real love comes along, you will be ready. You’ve already learned something about yourself and what you’re capable of.

5. Because you made so much progress…even though he didn’t.

Lastly, consider this simple fact: you made so much progress because YOU were ready for a commitment. You challenged yourself to care about someone and succeeded. You were ready to go through with it and commit yourself to someone who was worthy of your love.

He wasn’t ready. He wasn’t the one. But that doesn’t take away what you accomplished.

6. You took his rejection of you too personally.

It’s so easy to assume that one person’s rejection is a somehow valid criticism of our entire existence! Rejection does hurt temporarily…but this is relative to the billions of people on the planet. It’s hard to imagine being compatible with billions, millions, even thousands of people.

Think about it: you reject people that you see as incompatible with you every day. The guy on the bus. The guy on the Internet. The sweet cashier. The guy staring at you from the other side of the gas station. Not interacting with these people romantically or sexually IS a rejection. And you don’t even think about it, right? Why would you?

Romance and sex can’t happen with everybody. In fact, it will only happen with a very select few. That means everyone is going to be rejected, regardless of their good looks or charisma or smoldering sexuality. Everyone gets rejected because compatibility cannot be forced between two people.

That means both sexual compatibility AND romantic and lifestyle compatibility. Cheer up…you could have millions of other opportunities if you just reach out and take them. But all you need is just one. I like those odds.

In conclusion, remember that it’s hard to get over someone because we see the relationship as a reflection of ourselves, a personal failure. But it’s nothing of the sort.

It’s time to start viewing past relationships as learning experiences – something that made you smarter, more mature, and yes dare we say even HAPPIER. That past relationship helped you become the person you are today – it taught you about yourself and other. You came out of it knowing more than you used to know.

Be proud of who you are. Love will find you again.

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Matthew Coast

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About The Author

Matthew Coast

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