Everything people think they know about foreplay is misunderstood. Most people assume foreplay means the dictionary definition of “outercourse”. Basically, an act that precedes lovemaking. Warmup, heavy petting, cuddling, touching, and stimulating non-sexual body parts.
But the real definition of foreplay is better described by Wikipedia as “emotionally and physically intimate acts that stimulate the desire for sex.
If you think “physical and emotional acts” sounds like a vague term, then you’re right. That’s why it’s not fair to say foreplay is just “outercourse”, or just the pre-loving making stage.
In fact, foreplay is, and should be more so, tied in directly with your attraction and the motivation for making love in the first place.
Viewing foreplay as a list of actions or goals may even frustrate both partners. That’s why it’s important to discuss what foreplay is, especially within the context of history.
What is Foreplay
The idea that in ancient times, people knew nothing about sex, orgasm, or pleasure is dead wrong! While it’s true that some civilizations throughout history suppressed sexual pleasure and desire, historical records show a different story.
In the B.C. era, probably around 400, the Indian Hindi Sanskrit text, “Kama Sutra”, first became known. The goal of the Kama Sutra was not only to illustrate a variety of sexual positions, but also to explain emotional and erotic acts of foreplay. The complete Kama Sutra also focused on courtship, marriage, relationships, and well…even cheating!
The Kama Sutra was a philosophical text, not necessarily a healthy or moral one. In like manner, the Tantric texts, appearing about 300 C.E. were Hindu and Buddhist poetry that explored the concept of divine love. Whereas the Kama Sutra was about earthly pleasure, the Tantra texts seemed more about the spiritual side of pleasure.
But both writings were more correctly described as “foreplay.” They both explored concepts that we recognize today as sensual touching, genital massage, full-body orgasms, and the physical “rituals” that can actually heighten a person’s orgasmic potential.
That’s why we say “foreplay” is a much longer and more intense experience than just “outercourse.” It’s whatever you make it. It’s a mix of both emotional stimulation, physical acts, and a creative approach to lovemaking.
Whereas most people think good sex is just “super kinky”, research shows that sex (particularly foreplay and afterglow) is closely related to bonding and falling in love.
Types of Foreplay
The main idea is that foreplay can be very personal and mean different things for different couples. Sure, the Kama Sutra and Tantra teachings are some complicated examples. But in the end, they are just one society’s idea of what foreplay is or should be.
What about you? What if you were to stop thinking about what everyone says the average foreplay game consists of, and instead started personalizing it to you and your partner?
It might help first to consider some types of foreplay as imagined by all the other hot and heavy lovers over the years:
- Rough and fast outercourse (the average)
- Long sessions of heavy petting and necking
- Longer minutes of stimulating the erogenous zones (read more at Healthline)
- An hour of sensual touching of the skin (no erogenous zones)
- Full body massage (the muscles, not the skin)
- Oils and lotions
- Sexy texts
- Sensory play (like blindfolds, or earmuffs)
- Dirty talking
- Romantic notes
- Romantic dinners
- Dancing (slow or sexy)
- Longer and more passionate kissing
- Dressing up for each other
- Flash each other secretly, when out in public
- Talking about sexual fantasies
- Bathing or showering together
- Playing with sex toys
- Playing sexy board games or word games
- Reading erotic literature together
- Watching adult movies together
- Hot and cold stimulation (like ice, or hot water)
- Fun with food (like wine, cool whip)
- Mutual genital touching
- Making love in unusual locations
- Rhythmic breathing
- Eye gazing
- Trying new positions
- Yoga positions
- Online roleplaying
- Trying BDSM activities
The list goes on and on. The point is, foreplay has to be a personal experience, and one shared between you and your partner. If you’re just going through the motions, or playing someone else’s fantasy then it’s not erotic to YOU.
Exploring your own fantasies, taboos, and sensual pleasures should be the point of foreplay. If not, you’re just doing the “average.” And you or your partner may start to wonder, “Why is my sex life becoming boring? What changed?”
How to Do Foreplay
Once you decide on something you’d like to try, you should personalize the experience as much as possible. Rather than just do an imitation of what you’ve seen done before, why not try to put your own personal spin on it?
The more you plan it and customize it to your own likes, the more you will enjoy it. Awkwardness in bed usually happens when you try something that doesn’t turn you on. Lean towards the stuff that naturally arouses your passions, and that he likes too.
How to Introduce New Foreplay Ideas
The next step, and maybe the most important step, is to start an easy exchange of dialog about the new idea. It’s best if you approach him honestly and in a positive way. Don’t broach the subject as a critical thing about his lovemaking skill, OR as “I’m doing this for you, because this is what you want.”
Instead, talk about your mutual fantasies. Explore each other’s mind, as part of the foreplay experience. Let him know that nothing he says could offend you. The only way to personalize the foreplay and make it really good is to discuss what turns the both of you on.
After discussing ideas on foreplay together, be sure to hone in on the specifics. How does he like to be touched? How do you like to be touched? What physical acts of foreplay excite the both of you? What about kissing style, caressing and massage?
What are the little things that turn you on (as individuals) BEFORE sex even starts? Can you do more of that? Can you find new ways to turn your partner on before actual sex even enters your mind?
How Long Should Foreplay Last?
Foreplay is the recipe of your love, the details that turn you both on. Some couples get really turned on with just a few minutes of physical foreplay.
But by in large, many couples desire more. They want minutes, sometimes hours, of pre-game, so to speak. Whether that’s sexting all day, or sensual touching for minutes on end, or using sex toys, wherever your imagination goes, it’s all about the playing and not just the mechanics of sex.
What Types of Foreplay Do Guys Like?
Rather than focusing on your own pleasure, you might be wondering “how do I know what kind of foreplay a guy likes?” If you want to give pleasure to your guy and become the best lover he’s ever had, then it will help to survey some of the most common guy foreplay scenarios.
Some popular foreplay ideas for men might include:
- Oral sex with lots of dirty talking
- Lingerie shopping with him
- Pretending to be a stranger and flirting with him
- Leaving him an explicit message, telling him how to make love to you
- Surprise sex with clothes on
- Flirting and petting in public
- Grinding on top of him
- Using handcuffs and restraints
- Describing to him a vivid fantasy about wild sexy scenarios that could happen
- Him watching you please yourself
- Sending secret messages about sex in a public setting (but he won’t be embarrassed…because he’s the only one who understands the secret message!)
- Roleplaying, usually with you as the seductive one
You might notice that a lot of male foreplay fantasies involve a very forward woman who takes the initiative and satisfies herself sexually.
A lot of men have a great desire to please a woman and yet, feel shy about “forcing himself on her.” No wonder then a dominant female lover, who is aggressive (and even selfish) about sex, is one of the average male’s top fantasies.
How Do I Get Better at Foreplay?
Don’t worry, no one (even him) expects you to be an expert the first few times you play. What matters is NOT that you give a great performance. What matters is that you actually enjoy yourself, and don’t just make it about satisfying him.
By in large, most men want a more take-charge and sensual woman in bed who knows what she wants. He wants to be part of your fantasy.
One of the best foreplay ideas for women then is to focus on your own desires and taboo fantasies and then ask him to help you fulfill those needs.
Don’t take it too seriously if you make a mistake, or he makes a mistake, or if you start laughing at your foreplay attempt. It happens! That’s why the best ideas for foreplay are worth repeating and practicing – until you get it right.
The fact that you’re willing to try, both pleasing him and taking the initiative to please yourself, will impress him greatly. He’ll quickly realize you’re the spiciest lover he’s ever had – someone who values sex and wants to make it better.
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