Kinky sex practices and BDSM sound scary! But roleplaying? It’s surprisingly popular, even in a country like the United States with a largely conservative population.
In fact, roleplaying is one of the more common kinky practices, with an estimated 29% of respondents saying they’re interested in trying it, and 24% admitting they’d like to try it with their current partner.
The same survey suggested that as many as one in two Americans might hesitate to bring their fantasy up with their partner, maybe taking a month or a few months to work up the courage.
Is it with good reason? Are we all just a little prudish or is there a good reason why we hesitate to admit our most taboo fantasies?
Of course there’s a good reason! We don’t want to offend people! And least of all your partner, the most trusted person in your life!
Roleplaying is like any other kinky sexual activity, in that it can go 0-200 MPH in no time. What starts off as a fun conversation can become a very intense sexual encounter…and that can turn into a nightmare of broken trust, verbal abuse, and even non-consent if one or both partners are not careful.
Yes, in theory, everyone has good reason to approach roleplay with caution. If you’re roleplaying with your partner, you do need to have some standards. You do need to communicate. You need to create rules that show mutual respect.
In this guide, we’re going to talk about roleplaying on both a scientific level, as well as a more fun discussion later on, including roleplay ideas for you to try.
First, let’s talk about why so many guys are giddy about roleplaying.
Why Do Men Roleplay
The easy answer is that roleplaying is fun, and it’s a nice alternative to the same old routine. Men want visual stimulation. Men admire creativity. So we could stop there.
But many of us believe it’s more than that.
You could say that roleplaying fulfills something primal inside of you. These are experiences and feelings that you desire, but that you don’t necessarily want to deal with in real life.
Real-life involves complications. Fantasy life just involves emotions and sensations. It’s like comparing living something to merely watching a movie about it, or even better, acting in a movie about it.
No wonder then most people prefer sexual roleplaying to actually taking bigger risks in life.
The Unconscious vs. the Conscious Mind
It’s important to understand what’s going on inside the mind of a person who desires roleplay fantasies. It’s not just a generic naughty fantasy, like making love on a beach or a cheerleader and her quarterback boyfriend.
In theory, real roleplay involves pursuing what your subconscious mind craves. Freud’s theory of the “ego, id, and superego” was mostly metaphorical rather than scientific. But even so, modern psychology takes a lot from his theories.
For instance, the Id of a person is what their unconscious mind desires, decided by impulses and instincts. The ego of a person is the part of our mind that lives in reality and establishes our personal identity. It mediates the unconscious and conscious mind. The superego is our conscience and conscious mind, taught to us by culture, parents, and educators.
So just imagine what the average person “desires” in terms of sex, when there’s three very different “minds” battling.
Your man may crave rough and loveless sex.
He may also enjoy making love and feeling a deep emotional connection.
He may also enjoy the idea of rebelling against social norms – “taboos” that he might never cross in real life. For example, cheating, coercion, orgies, or anonymous sex with a stranger.
So it’s safe to say, that when a man “roleplays” he wants to fulfill a primal urge that reality could not possibly provide him. Reality is safe. He wants to feel safe. He wants love in the real world.
But he also desires to feel how other people live, other people that might make irrational or unsafe decisions.
Naturally, dangerous sexual shenanigans are not a safe way to go through life! That’s why roleplaying can address these primal instincts he has, without actually exposing him or your relationship to any real danger.
And in learning this, and the psychology behind it, hopefully, both of you can rest easy, knowing that there’s no reason to feel guilty, or scared, or threatened.
Most fantasies your partner thinks about are normal and statistically, very common among most men. It doesn’t mean that he’s going to cheat on you, or that he’s bored of romance and normal sex. He just wants to experiment in a safe environment, with the woman he loves.
Here’s a little more science on why roleplaying during sex fulfills an unspoken need.
How Does Roleplaying Make You Feel?
If you’re new to roleplaying then don’t be surprised if it feels silly or not quite “realistic” enough. It’s an idea that might take some time to get used to.
But as you experiment more, and try harder to “get into character”, you may notice a slight change in your temperament, especially when you combine the “roleplaying” and the sexual foreplay.
Just like actors tend to get carried away in their craft, it’s fairly common for a roleplayer to get “lost” in the scene and temporarily forget that this is a fantasy.
And therein lies the thrill! Even if you forget for just a second you’re not really in this “scene”, that’s still an intense jolt of excitement. It can even feel like an adrenaline release, that fight or flight feeling that gets your heart thumping!
It’s almost like discovering sex for the first time. The unfamiliarity of these feelings unnerves you a little. But the intense desire for them keeps you going. You embrace your primitive instincts in the “scene” and explore how you can please your partner in different ways.
How Do You Introduce a Role Play
You can read my article on creative ways to talk to your partner about BDSM and other kink.
But for this discussion, let’s focus on how to introduce a role play for the first time, after negotiating on what you both want, and deciding to try a scene for the first time.
There’s no need to formalize it since that will just make the whole thing feel hokey. But it DOES help to imagine the scene in:
Clothing is the easiest way to get into the scene. It’s also fun to dress up like someone you wouldn’t ordinarily mimic. A woman might dress up like a cheerleader, or wear a sexy and revealing dress she would never wear out. A guy might dress up like a football star, a greaser, or a mafia boss.
The location could be imaginary, or could involve traveling to a specific location to make the fantasy more real. For example, a hotel, a car, an Airbnb, and so on. Some couples might even prefer to stay home and simply decorate their bedroom to look like a different place.
While the clothing and location help to improve the environment, the “story” is what ultimately drives the scene. It’s almost the same dynamic you find in writing or acting.
A roleplay is basically an acting “scene” that you are your partner are writing in real time.
The formula for creating a scene doesn’t have to be complicated. But it’s usually structured like this:
- Determine the Setting
This is the story so far. Both of you are inhabiting “characters”. You live a predictable life…until a problem happens. It helps to determine in advance how the scene ends. You don’t want to shock your partner by going off script or doing something too confusing to react to. That’s why discussing the scene in detail BEFORE you begin acting it out, helps a lot.
- Begin the Scene
This stage mostly involves “acting”, the free exchange of dialog (you’re basically writing or improvising as you go along) and then having sex in a different way that you haven’t tried before. Imagine a period of:
A: Request (What you want, or what he wants as the motivation of the scene)
B: Negotiation (You may play-argue at this point or eventually compromise)
C: Foreplay (Take your time during foreplay, since this is sometimes the best part of a fantasy)
D: Sex (Decide in advance what kind of sex scene you’re going to create and why)
E: Climax (You can stay in character as the “story” concludes, after orgasm)
- Check In
It’s very important to periodically check in during a “scene”, and make sure your partner is OK and isn’t hurting or feeling emotionally violated in some way. Breaking character is OK. Staying in character is also OK, as long as you do the Check-In and mean it. No mocking, no ignoring your partner, no neglect. If your partner says he’s OK (or he checks-in on you) then continue on as you were. You may do this periodically, especially if the scene is long.
Now here’s the important part. The scene ends but you must both return to reality and more importantly to real intimacy.
This is the part where you check-in, again, this time asking your partner how they enjoyed the scene. This is also the part where you both share how you felt, all the good, bad, and OK parts of it.
If you really liked something, express that, and let him do the same. If you did not like something about the scene (if you felt disrespected, or if he didn’t like a particular thing you said) discuss that in detail. Make notes so that next time the scene will be better and neither one of you will accidentally step on each other’s toes.
Remember, the more intense and creative the scene is, the more aftermath time is required. In BDSM, they call it “aftercare” because, after an extreme adrenaline rush, the dominant partner must show love to the submissive partner and provide emotional support and physical caressing. If not, that lack of TLC can leave behind very negative feelings.
Without “aftercare”, the experience might even feel wrong to you, or disgusting, or hurtful. That’s why making sure your partner is OK is always a priority – whether you’re experimenting in heavy kink or even just light roleplay. He should check in on you and you should check in on him – before the scene, during the scene, and after the scene.
What Do You Say During Role Play
If you’re not sure how to handle “dialog”, and especially if you’ve never written or acted before, the idea of what to say during roleplaying might seem intimidating.
Don’t fret about it. It’s not nearly as difficult as it seems. For inspiration, start by watching movies, or reading books and figuring out what characters tend to say in these steamy sex scenes.
After that, spend some time doing the opposite. Watch really bad B movies that have terrible writing and dialog. Or read amateur stories online written by teens or adults with no formal training. The dialog sounds stilted and unnatural, but that might actually help you to become less embarrassed when you improvise dialog on your own.
Remember that the power dynamic (or power imbalance) is almost always at the heart of sexual roleplaying. The Dominant lover guides the Submissive. One person retains power and leads the other partner, almost like a dance.
But in order for the scene to really work, the scene must be planned out in advance and mostly written by the Submissive partner, who knows what she wants. If you want the man to be the Dominant, then you’re going to explain to him how the scene goes.
If you want to be the Dominant partner, because your man is shy when it comes to being sexual, then you’re going to want to get ideas from HIM, on what turns him on in a more Dominant female partner.
Role Playing Ideas
All right, let’s talk about some popular and not-so-common roleplay scenarios that will appeal to males and females and Dominants and Submissives.
Mainstream Roleplay Ideas
Statistically speaking, these are some of the most common sexual fantasies that people enjoy. So don’t feel so weird about them!
1. Boss and Employee
It’s a really bad idea for a boss to flirt with his employees at work. So have fun and break all the rules. Have the Dominant be a sexually harassing bully and demand sexual favors from the employee, who feels forced to cooperate.
2. Master and Slave
One partner is the Master and owns the servant/slave. The Master tells the slave what to do or else the slave gets punished in some way. The Master thrives on having complete power and tells the slave to do shameful things the slave would never do by choice.
3. Doctor and Patient
A Bad Doctor wants to sexually exploit the clueless patient. Of course, the key is for the Doctor to try to come off as innocent and just “concerned” while acting like a total perv!
4. Teacher and Student
A teacher is another trusted authority figure that adheres to a strict moral code. So a Bad Teacher that intellectually manipulates a student (usually by guilting them or lying to them) into sex is a fantasy that’s been done in many books and movies. (Police Officer and Citizen is another variation)
5. Sex Worker and Client
The sex worker is very experienced and can show the inexperienced client some very naughty things he’s never tried before. But the client has to pay for it first. Or the reverse is the new sex worker and the experienced client who corrupts their innocence.
Fun Roleplay Ideas
These scenarios are not necessarily about power imbalance, but more traditional roles of male and female.
6. Virgin and Seductive Elder
This is a good roleplay if one or both of you is shy and inexperienced lover. He’s not actually a “virgin”, but he may feel comfortable playing one because he still feels like he’s never had a wild sexual youth. So one pretends to be the seductive partner while the other is promiscuous but very knowledgeable.
7. Best Friends Turned Sex Partners
What better way to ruin a good platonic friendship than with accidental sex? After a night of heavy drinking, or maybe a painful breakup, two friends jump into bed together on an impulse. They are not sure what they’re doing. But the passion is so hot they can’t resist it. Afterward, they feel very awkward.
8. Billionaire and Damsel
This is a variation of the Boss/Employee but usually without the coercion factor. The billionaire is just rich, charming, and can buy their way into the Damsel’s heart. (Well, not quite her heart) This can be a role with a male or female lead and an innocent partner that finds the billionaire lifestyle too amazing to pass up.
9. Anonymous Partners
This one involves pretending not to know each other but feeling horny enough to hook up with a stranger. You can actually book a hotel and arrive separately to get a feeling for “anonymous hookup” or you could actually go to a bar and chat with each other “in character.”
10. Sex Tape
You don’t have to literally make a tape. But pretend to be celebrities and make a sex tape, doing wild positions that seem kind of over-the-top. You could even set up a camera and just not push the record button to make it seem realistic.
Extremely Sexy Roleplay Ideas
These next scenarios are very provocative and not for all tastes. But if he loves the idea of pushing the envelope and you don’t mind experimenting, try these:
11. Plumber and Housewife
In this scenario, the professional (A plumber or anything really) is simply doing the housewife (or husband) a service. Instead of payment, the housewife negotiates for sex. A variation would be a landlord and a renter, or a pizza delivery person and a customer.
12. Celebrity and Fan
This scenario could work, but only if one of you is pretending to be a celebrity and the other partner literally worships the celebrity. The sex is over the top but the narcissistic celebrity wouldn’t have it any other way. A variation on this might be to literally reenact a scene from a famous movie or even do an imitation of a specific actor.
13. Robber and Innocent
This can be either a home invader or even a blackmailer who wants sex from the innocent party. The power dynamic depends on what the bad guy has over the Innocent. Secret information? Mind control? Or is it just rough lovemaking? Or does the Dominant use accessories like handcuffs or bed restraints?
14. Step-Parent and Submissive
The Dominant Step-Parent not only exploits the submissive but also “punishes” them for disobedience, usually by light spanking or tickling. To avoid punishment, the innocent must cooperate.
While it might feel silly to act out a threesome with the lights on, this scenario might work better in the dark. One partner describes what’s happening with all the lights off while using a sex toy, as well as their own body, to simulate the feeling of more than one partner.
Finding the Best Unique Sex Roleplay Ideas
As you can see, ideas are easy to find. All you have to do is identify something that turns you on (usually something that you hear about or see) and then recreate the scene with your partner, putting your own spin on it.
If you’re wondering how can I make my roleplay more interesting, it’s just a matter of freely borrowing ideas and seeing what you like and also what you don’t like.
But these are some of the unique roleplay ideas that men love so try them out and show him why you’re the best lover he’s ever had – because you aren’t afraid to experiment!