Why You Have Intimacy Issues in Your Relationship

If you’ve noticed some emotional distance growing in your marriage then it’s likely not just your imagination. You may have an intuition that something’s bothering your partner or that he’s withdrawing from you more and more. While we do want to focus on solutions, it’s actually very important that we also focus on WHY there are issues happening. Knowing this can help you to avoid certain patterns of behavior that bring out the worst in both of you. Here are a few reasons why intimacy issues happen in good relationships.

1. You both assume things about each other.

This may well be where the problem starts. Rather than communicate what could be an embarrassing thought, both partners assume what the problem is…and in doing so they create an emotional rift. Maybe she assumes he’s not attracted to her. Or he assumes she just doesn’t have an interest in sex. That’s not what the issue is but you’re both behaving as that’s what it is. This is disastrous because you’re continuously building resentment for something that’s not at all related to the problem.

2. You’re so afraid of conflict, you stop communicating love. And you punish each other in silence.

Some couples think that conflict is the worst case scenario so it’s better to not say anything about it and keep peace. This causes problems though because the sooner you bring it up the less of a problem it is. The longer you wait, the more the “symptoms” exacerbate and become an issue. Eventually, you both start to keep silent on these important matters and you make it more awkward and difficult to share with each other. There’s nothing wrong with conflict, disagreement or even arguing IF you can maintain respect for each other while disagrees.

3. You don’t focus on solutions—you focus on whose fault it was.

The key to finding true peace and harmony in a marriage is to find a solution you can BOTH work with. Obviously, if one or both partners is fixated on winning the argument, the battle will keep going until war breaks out! That’s NOT how you want things to end, is it? You want specific solutions and you can negotiate on what you’re willing to do, and NOT willing to do, like rational human beings. Problems really start to multiply when one or both partners decide “It MUST be this way or no deal.” That’s almost impossible to live with.

So if you’re mostly focusing on what he’s doing wrong, or he’s focusing on what you need to be doing, it’s just a perpetual argument that no one will ever win. That’s why concentrating on issues that can be resolved is the best to improve communication.

4. Neither of you is putting forth much effort.

It’s very hard to change a habit or a routine that’s become a daily part of your life. This requires effort. And we’re really not inclined to put forth a lot of effort, are we?

Life, work, career, family—it’s all stressful. We prefer to make routines as easy as possible, that’s our instinct.

But if you’re serious about rekindling the romance you lost, or becoming more intimate emotionally, then you must schedule time to be with each other and you must put forth effort in achieving these new goals you discuss with your partner.

When you have low desire for intimacy, which is a symptom of being deprived of the love and attention you want, you stop putting forth effort. You’re either not in the mood, or feeling tired or making other excuses. But this is just following the least course of resistance. Keeping the new schedule and actually doing all of the activities you discuss with your partner will ensure you work toward actual change.

5. You’ve forgotten your partner’s “language of love.”

Every person has a unique way of communicating. We all know the same words and generally communicate in similar ways. But when it comes to tone, gesturing, making eye contact and using the “right words” there is still room for some major differences. This is why modern psychologists believe people sometimes converse in a different love language.

He wants love in a certain way and he gives love in a certain way. She does the same thing, except that she communicates love differently. He thinks that expressing love means working hard, hugging and kissing goodnight, and being supportive. She thinks love should be expressed through touch, conversation and talking things out. This is a miscommunication in love style. Understanding each other’s wants and needs will help you both to become more intimate.

6. It’s not necessarily you or him…it could be about the past.

Don’t assume that your problem is just the usual he said/she said stuff. In many cases of couples counseling, it’s discovered that fear of intimacy can result from childhood traumas, aging, poor health, low self-esteem, and even previous relationships you never actually recovered from. It’s not always necessary to talk to a therapist but talking to your partner about what you’re afraid of, or asking him the same question, could be a major milestone.

7. You are talking yourself out of a good relationship, rather than focusing on repairing the rift.

Lastly, remember that a troubled marriage or live-in relationship doesn’t just “end” because of time or circumstance. Each partner has an active say in whether or not they want to keep fighting and keep trying to keep the love affair alive.

Sometimes you or he may feel inclined to find faults and to hyper-focus on imperfection—as if that’s proof that the marriage isn’t working. But are you running away from happiness? Are you running away from something good that you know you want, in hopes of finding more temporary excitement?

Excitement comes and goes. The real issue is why are you not allowing your partner the chance to better please you rather than assuming he won’t be negotiable? He may be willing to compromise if you can both think of more creative ways of developing the intimacy you want.

Things are bad right now, okay, but it’s only a symptom of something else wrong in the relationship. You might be able to repair that lost trust and get your motivation back to rekindle the romance. All it takes is a genuine effort to try and the willingness to follow through with your new schedule.

Start talking to your partner and I’m sure you can find a way to compromise.

About The Author

Matthew Coast

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