fbpx
Why an Emotionally Unavailable Man Keeps Coming Back.

Why an Emotionally Unavailable Man Keeps Coming Back

I’ve read a lot of articles in recent years highlighting the behaviors of narcissists and sociopaths people in relationships. Most of them read the same: man romances girl, girl falls for him, man decides he doesn’t want the relationship after all, man hurts girl, girl gets over it, man comes back…and so on. Hopefully, at some point the girl realizes that this is a dysfunctional relationship and it’s just going to go on like this, ad nauseam.

One of the things that really struck me, however, is how many writers and advice columnists condemn the behavior of the man as evil, narcissistic or cruel, and basically tell the girl to beware of the predator. People will seek relationship advice from their friends or a coach who tell them to leave immediately because an emotionally unavailable guy isn’t worth it. A girl might say something like, “I was stupid back then and I fell for all of his lies.”

But what I find confusing is when these articles group together narcissists, bad guys, players and “emotionally unavailable” men all in the same category of pure evil. But the thing is, it’s not fair to group all those people in the same category because they aren’t the same. Any therapist or relationship coach could tell you that not all emotionally unavailable guys are narcissists. But understanding men is crucial to learning what the difference is and why they come back.

Understanding Emotionally Unavailable Men Who Come Back

I think it’s important to understand why men behave the way they do, even if their motivations are hurtful or vain. Knowing this, that is, knowing what really motivates these guys and why they think the way they do, is a better protection for you and your relationship.

Thinking that most guys are dogs or evil or dishonest because they’re raging sex machines is not a protection. Being overly cautious and guarded against all men, thinking they could betray you, is also not a protection. If anything, it will affect the honest communication that you do have with your boyfriend.

The best solution is to understand that narcissistic men and emotionally unavailable men are two different animals. Narcissistic and sadistic guys are emotionally unavailable, true, but not all emotionally unavailable men are narcissistic or cruel-hearted. Understanding the difference will help you understand why an emotionally unavailable man keeps coming back and simple solutions for how to handle it.

Why The Guy Keeps Coming Back

Let’s discuss four reasons why emotionally unavailable men are the way they are and why does he keep coming back, even when you try to forget them and your previous relationship.

1. He has serious baggage and because of his emotional unavailability, is he is refusing to deal with it.

Obviously, the kind thing to do would be to work on his issues first and then go out looking for a serious relationship. But emotionally unavailable men are IN DENIAL that they have these relationship issues. Emotionally unavailable guys think they’ve progressed when they haven’t. Or they are completely oblivious about their emotional distance. An emotionally unavailable man may be simulating emotional attachment without ever actually feeling it. He’ll be avoidant in the relationship or adopt a dumpers mentality but then come back.

Usually this happens because someone betrayed his trust, whether that was his ex-girlfriend or even his mother. He can’t come to terms with that and accept it. He can’t process the pain. That’s why he keeps “trying again” to work things out. He’ll come back but keeps hitting the same roadblocks.

This guy would rather hurt you, if he must, rather than risk getting hurt from the relationship – in the same way that traumatized him earlier in life.

This puts all the pressure on you to resist when an emotionally unavailable man comes back – even when he “tries” and thinks he’s ready to change. If he hasn’t faced the ISSUES that make him this way, he hasn’t healed from the past relationship or hurt at all.

2. He is immature and emotionally unavailable…either because he’s young and foolish (as we all can be) or he’s an older man who’s become a perpetual teenager who constantly comes back.

It’s understandable when young men are immature and not long-term focused in their relationships. They’re new to the whole relationship thing. They’re curious. They don’t want to settle down, but want to play the field and test their chemistry with a variety of partners.

What’s confusing is when a man grows up and yet chooses to stay that way – forever young, unfocused and emotionally unavailable. Unlike the previous example, this fellow is very much aware that he’s not progressing. But he’s okay with that. He’s fine with staying emotionally unavailable. He may be a lifelong bachelor, at least until his circumstances drastically change.

However, it’s interesting to note that these forever young type guys typically chase after girls who are COMPARABLY confused and not making any progress in life. An unavailable person will chase after women who may want to grow up and settle down, but who are clearly NOT making any serious effort to change.

If he keeps coming back to you after a breakup, he either envies you (and the progress you’ve actually made in life) OR he’s coming back to you because you still haven’t made any progress in life – like him. He is attracted to women who share a similar lifestyle as himself and aren’t looking for marriage or a committed relationship. It may also benefit you to learn why men come back after no contact.

The best way to avoid his trap to keep you around? Change your own life and start making progress on your own. Stop playing his games. Work on becoming more emotionally mature and improving your own life. Before long, you won’t have much in common with him and you’ll not anything to do with his world.

3. He is chronically, miserabley insecure and emotionally unavailable because of it.

At the heart of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is insecurity. Now that doesn’t mean that all insecure guys have NPD. But the symptoms or “signs” that you’re dating an insecure and emotionally unavailable man are usually the same as NPD. He falls in love quickly and intensifies the relationship and then falls out of love with a shocking lack of attachment. But then come back to the relationship without warning.

Insecure guys need to feel victorious in a relationship. He outgrew you, not the other way around. An emotionally unavailable guy’s ego demands that he leave before someone leaves him. Then he pursues another girl (preferably someone with low self-esteem) and starts the process all over again. Emotionally unavailable people don’t just change, and they’ll come back or just go through the whole process all over again.

That’s why his an emotionally unavailable guy’s desire to win you back (and discard you again) will always be tempting to him, because his ego demands constant attention, even from his friends.

That’s why his desire to win you back (and discard you again) will always be tempting to him, because his ego demands constant attention.

If his behavior is extremely hurtful (especially in his need to punish you) then he may have NPD or APD. But even if he doesn’t, insecure guys will never change in relationships until they realize the problem – which is their insecurity and how it affects every decision they make in life. He’ll keep playing games and leading you on in the relationship.

4. He may love you but he’s more afraid of losing control so he leaves and then comes back.

Most guys and relationship dumpers actually fall in this category when they are emotionally unavailable – commitment-phobic but not necessarily ego-driven. In this case, the emotionally unavailable guy he loves you (which explains why he keeps coming back) but can’t get over his fear of commitment, or more to the point, his fear of being vulnerable.

Why? Because some guys associate commitment and vulnerability with a complete loss of freedom and independence. This is particularly common among men who are insecure or weak-minded in general. Men who are strong-minded and confident generally don’t fear losing their independence and are less likely to be emotionally unavailable for this reason. They know what they want and seek out people who are their equals.

Men who seek more control are afraid to lose what little freedom they have in life. Emotionally unavailable guys need that sense of control to function. If they sense a woman is pushing too hard, they will frequently jump ship and end the relationship.

If an unavailable person comes back to you, it’s probably because they really do want you, they want to commit to a serious relationship or marriage, and yet their fear of vulnerability won’t let them progress in the relationship. They love the idea of you but can’t seem to fit you into their world and lifestyle. It’s sad…and more often than not, it doesn’t end happily.

You get jerked around and he continues to run away because of his emotional unavailability. So whatever the reason is why he comes back, don’t let him in unless he’s willing to meet your needs too. Otherwise, you’re just letting him walk all over you when you allow him to come back.

Knowing What to Do When an Emotionally Unavailable Man Comes Back

Rather than be consumed by the negativity of an emotionally unavailable man, try to remember this: all of these guys have issues and it’s NEVER about you or who you are as a person. You were there, you were attractive and they made an effort to connect with you.

But in the end, an emotionally unavailable man is not ready for a real commitment. That’s all it is. Don’t let emotionally unavailable men have power over you and your life by hating them, blaming them for your unhappiness or crying over them – when in fact, everything that happened was exactly what the emotionally unavailable man wanted.

It’s not worth it to get your boyfriend back if he is emotionally unavailable and can’t give you what you need. Be strong and realize that relationships are only possible if two people make a serious and genuine effort to connect. That’s what you should be searching for and that’s what will make you happy. 

When an Emotionally Unavailable Man He Pulls Away, Do THIS

If you’re tired of men pulling away from you and you want to know how to make him want to come back and never leave again…

Here’s the secret to getting a guy to come back

In order for a man to come running back to you, he needs to feel two things…

The first one is REGRET for pulling away in the first place.

If you attack or punish him for pulling away, you’ll only make him want to pull away further.

Instead, you want him to feel like coming back to you is more pleasurable than being away.

The second thing you want him to feel is like HE MISSES YOU.

He can’t miss you if you smother him with calls and messages.

This is why the no contact rule is key.

Apologizing, trying to see if he’s mad at you, seeing if he’s okay…

This only makes him feel like he needs more space in his life.

There’s a 4 word text message that will make him feel both of these things when you send it to him.

If you’d like to hear what the text message is, click the link below right now to watch a video I put together about it…

Click here to learn more <<

Talk soon,

Matthew Coast

P.S. If you want a relationship where a man loves you, sees you, and cherishes you, then you need to watch this video…

Click this link to watch my video right now <<

4 thoughts on “Why an Emotionally Unavailable Man Keeps Coming Back”

  1. I have a guy that I met over a year ago. We were FWBs for 3 months and he ghosted me. I never thought he would come back but he did in December. I was so happy he came back and he was very different. He was more open, more loving, very affectionate and told me several times how happy he was to be with me and thanked me for letting him hang with me. I asked about a relationship and he became very cold and said no, he did not have feelings and “lets not go down this road again”. So we remained friends and lovers several more months. During these months, he was more and more open, would buy cereal that he knew I liked, would kiss my face, my forehead, hug me tightly for minutes at a time, so I thought he had changed his mind. But when I asked about it, he ghosted me again. He told me that he would be back but he was leaving for now. I told him to not come back. Now I’m not sure if he will come back or not. Would this type of guy really want a relationship or is he just playing me? Except for this, he is completely a man of his word and he was upfront about not wanting a relationship.

    1. Hey Cheryl,
      I am going through something quite similar with the person I currently care about very much, but had to let go of. It seems your guy has a dismissive attachment style. Understanding attachment styles have really helped me see things in a different light. When dealing with someone with an avoidant attachment style, it’s best not to pursue when they pull away because it only makes them pull away even more, and it honestly is not your job to fix these things about him. He has to be the one to want to change, and if not, keep your options open, and don’t lose hope. You sound like a great woman, don’t let someone who isn’t willing to work on themselves bring you down with them.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *