When I first started learning about abusive or dysfunctional relationships, I couldn’t believe what I was reading. Some of it seemed unreal. Take for instance, the phenomenon of the abusive victim who leaves the toxic relationship behind, but then actually becomes an abuser in the next rebound relationship.
What a strange twist of fate, right? And you never really believe it until you witness it, among your friends or family members. Or maybe in some cases until you live it, until it happens to you.
When we look inside from the outside, (meaning we watch as other people do it, or enter into these doomed relationships) we never do understand it.
But when you’re inside, it’s very easy to fall into this trap. Your past experiences with the abusive or toxic person have now shaped you and distorted your perspective and your natural reactions and feelings.
The reason why it happens is that when you leave that toxic relationship, your mind has to adjust to the change in lifestyle. Patterns that emerged in the old relationship, hurtful though they were, still reappear in the new relationship. In your mind, those old patterns still dominate your thinking. You anticipate conflict. You learn these patterns from the ex and if you don’t get these cues, sometimes you feel tempted to recreate them, this time with you taking over the ex’s role and hurting your partner the way you’ve been hurt before.
But here’s the key. It doesn’t have to be this way. You can resist falling into this self-destructive pattern by first realizing the dysfunctional element in the relationship and then by taking steps to control your thoughts and actions before they get out of hand – and you start recreating that non-existent conflict.
Let’s start by talking about six things that happen when you do rebound from a bad relationship (with a toxic partner). Just because these things happen to you, doesn’t mean you can’t take back control.
1. You stop trusting men.
You don’t necessarily hate men, but you do find it extremely difficult to trust people, especially men that you’re dating. You don’t trust yourself or how you fell into the old relationship. You may even doubt that a good, honest man exists or that you’ll ever find someone who loves you as much as the ex.
2. You over-think situations rather than listening to your new partner.
Your mind is always racing and you’re reading too much into every simple encounter. The simple reason is, you are experiencing some PTSD-like symptoms, which can feel like paranoia or panic. Nothing is OK in your mind…you doubt everything he says. You assume things that aren’t true. Or you read way too much into the innocent comments that he says.
3. You think this new guy and the entire relationship is just too good to be true.
Something is wrong. Maybe he’s hiding something or maybe life is just going to throw you a curveball and destroy your happy home when you least expect it. You feel it…you sense it.
But you’re wrong. Life isn’t predetermined. You’re not doomed to fail and things are going to go to hell just because you’re in a healthy relationship. He’s not going to dump you just because you’re falling for him. This is just subconscious resistance interfering with your good judgment.
4. You start to push him and other people away.
One of the most common thought patterns is the idea that you don’t deserve to be happy. You don’t deserve a good man or a normal relationship. That’s why your instincts are always to run or to break up with a guy. Basically, you find an excuse for why this relationship won’t work. You might call it a lack of attraction, or focus on one flaw that he appears to have, or that you have that instantly terminates the relationship. But all you’ve really decided is that you don’t feel safe and you need to get away.
5. You expect arguments, fighting, and drama…
Even when there is none! You always brace yourself, expecting your new partner to behave in the same way as your ex. You’re just waiting until he pokes you, until he guilts you or insults you. You wait for him to do it and you’re ready to pounce back this time, giving him as much fire as he gives to you.
6. You over-apologize and carry on like you’re a burden or an ultra-submissive girlfriend.
On the other hand, you also feel undeserving of his kindness. You apologize too often or you ask too many favors. You’re self-sacrificing and self-effacing to the point of awkwardness. Of course, the reason here is that you still feel the pain of your previous relationship. Whereas some guys sense the residual self-loathing you have, other men will misinterpret this behavior as too clingy or overcompensating.
You might even reach the point where you assume you have to leave…because your “abuse” or mistreatment of this fine man is too much. He deserves better than you.
But again, all of this toxic thinking is wrong! And it’s part of reconciling the pain of the old dysfunctional relationship.
Resist this thinking pattern. That’s the first step to changing the pattern and gaining control over these erratic emotions. Understand where the behavior, where the damaging thoughts, are coming from. Then take back control of the situation by vowing to change your response and your thinking patterns.
Talk to your partner honestly and confess some of the thoughts you’ve been having, the trauma of the old relationship, and why you might be acting out against him. The more you talk things out and take stock of a relationship, and the more you realize there is no conflict – that it’s literally just in the past, a distant and ugly memory – the more you can work through the grief.
You may be able to salvage the relationship too, even if you’ve rebounded too soon. It’s just a matter of communicating, negotiating, and regaining control over your grief and regret.
Learn to trust him. Learn that this relationship is going to be different and you’re not going to bring in the baggage of the old relationship. Your new partner deserves a fresh start.
Along the way back to trust and love, you will also forgive your ex (at least in the sense that you stop thinking about him and stop letting the memories hurt you) and even forgive yourself.
Forgive yourself for the old toxic relationship. That will be the best way to move forward and create a better future, this time, by remembering past mistakes and using what you’ve learned to make a better future.
The 5 Word Phrase That Destroys a Man’s Love For You And Drives Him Out Of Your Life
There’s a simple 5 word phrase that will destroy any man’s love for you and drive him out of your life completely…
It usually comes out as an honest question when you want to connect with him…
But only serves to push him away and slowly kill your relationship from the inside out…
It can take a man who is filled with love and passion for you…
And make him feel cold, distant, and uninterested…
Have you figured out what it is yet?
Many women send this as a text message when they’re feeling insecure…
And then are confused why he suddenly pulls away and disappears completely…
Most of the women who ask it don’t even know how harmful it is…
Yet it can take a relationship that seems like it’s perfect…
A relationship where you feel loved, cared for, and like you’ve finally found “the one”…
And overnight, it can tear that relationship apart…
Leaving you confused, frustrated, and heartbroken…
If you don’t know what this simple yet seemingly innocent question is…
I want you to stop what you’re doing and go watch this video presentation that I put together for you at the link below…
Click here to watch the video now <<
My name is Matthew Coast and I’ve been teaching in the dating industry on since 2005…
I’ve helped hundreds of thousands of women, all over the world…
Get into relationships where they feel loved, seen, and cherished by the men they’re with…
When you click the link this link right here <<
I show you what this 5 word phrase is…
I’ll teach you about why men pull away, how to stop it from happening…
And how to attract the man you want…
Into a relationship where you’re loved and adored and treated like a priority…
No matter how painful things have been in your past…
You can attract a great man and have a great relationship…
Just click the link on your screen and the watch the video right now…
If you’re struggling with men pulling away from you…
If you’re tired of giving everything to a relationship and only being taken for granted…
And if you’re ready to have a man see you as a woman that he wants to be with forever…
