Is He Emotionally Unavailable? Look for These Signs…

I always tell people that falling in love with someone who’s emotionally unavailable is like climbing Mount Everest.

It’s like eating a six-pound hamburger.

It’s like trying to sell a car to an Amish person. It’s like walking on Mars.

It’s like trying to outdo Guinness Book of World Records holder, Steve Sansweet for the Largest Collection of Star Wars Memorabilia.

Could all of these tasks be done? Sure anything could be done.

Are these tasks worthwhile? I don’t know, maybe if that’s what you really want.

But let’s get real for a second and say NO, you’re not going to do any of that. Because for most people, it’s a dead end. These would all be pointless tasks. Could it be done? Sure, but why bother? Don’t do it.

Well that’s the same thing I say about dating emotionally unavailable people.

When you see the signs that are clearly there and they say “This guy is not looking for a commitment!” or “This guy is emotionally unavailable!”, there’s only one logical thing to do. Stay away. Don’t get involved.

Don’t get involved sexually OR emotionally.

And yet what do our instincts tell us?

Why of course, “But…but…but!”

But nothing! This guy is emotionally unavailable.

“Yeah but maybe I can change him. Maybe I can help him, save him, reach him. Maybe he just needs someone who understands him.”

Of course. That’s what our instincts tell us. And our instincts are usually wrong if they’re completely emotional and not balanced with logic.

There’s always that “Everest” of a relationship. The one that seems impossible, but the one that you’re determined to accomplish.

Why? Because it’s invigorating, sure. It’s a challenge. When you win, or you think you’re winning, it’s a fantastic feeling.

And yes, like I said, sometimes it can be done. You could climb Everest, you could set a Guinness World Record. People have done it before.

But will YOU be successful? Probably not. And the wounds you will carry for trying to do something so insanely difficult, will be a great burden.

That’s why I try to tell some of my clients and friends to just STOP. Just walk away. You’re climbing Mount Everest without an experienced guide. You’re trying to make the impossible possible.

Once I see the signs, the patterns of this dysfunctional one-sided kind of love, I do my best to pull them away from this addiction and get their life back on track.

So once again let’s review 5 sure signs that this guy is emotionally unavailable and that this potentially great relationship is 99% doomed.

1. He only wants you for sex…

Emotionally unavailable men want meaningless sex because it avoids attachment. That means he rushes into sexual intimacy quickly and will then usually go from one new conquest to another. He has nothing else to offer in a relationship besides sex. You can’t change this about him because he doesn’t want to change.

2. OR…he only wants you as a therapist.

Some women I’ve talked to like to talk about their “best friend”. The one who’s always such a good listener and really understands them…if only things weren’t complicated. That’s the problem, complicated usually means emotionally unavailable. As in, this married guy. Or this guy stuck in a dysfunctional relationship with his ex-girlfriend. Or the guy who actually tells you, “I’m not good at relationships” or “I don’t think I’ll ever get married (again)…” These men have huge warning labels all over them. “Do Not Date!”

3. He complains about past relationships, almost obsessively.

Now in some cases, the guy may be processing his own feelings and may be working on becoming emotionally available. For the time being, however, he’s still a work in progress. You can always tell too, because he’s constantly talking about the past and about his old relationships that he never quite reconciled. Stick this one back in the oven. Beware of men who are recently separated, divorced or on the rebound. They usually jump into the dating pool too soon, when their honest emotions are still elsewhere.

4. Narcissistic or sociopathic tendencies.

Glaring negative qualities like self-centeredness, a lack of caring for you or your loved ones, lying or dishonest behavior, and an obsessive need to be right all the time suggest that this man may have serious emotional impairments. That means, you will NEVER get the emotional depth you need from him. He is only capable of mimicking empathy for you, just to get his way. Stay clear or you will drive yourself crazy trying to save him.

5. Is he hot and cold about his feelings for you?

While some people are attracted to “hot and cold” mind games, one thing remains true about men who actually DO love you. They want your attention. Always. They can’t stop being part of your life, they can’t stop texting you or chatting with you. They can’t stop communicating with you for days on end without SOME form of contact.

So if your man does seem actually got then extremely cold (as in, disinterested in you, totally oblivious as to your life and your feelings) then it’s very likely you’re dealing with a man who can’t deal with his emotions. Maybe he has feelings for you deep down, but he is intentionally burying them for his own self-preservation. This is a game you cannot win until he decides he’s ready to be open. That day may never come…or it may come with someone else.

A man who is in love with you, or at least open to that possibility, is willing to share how he feels. He’s ready to give you attention. He makes it clear that he’s interested. He’s ready to help you in times of need. He’s also more than willing to talk about the relationship or the relationship you’re thinking of starting.

In closing, don’t wait for a man who shows signs of being unavailable. It’s a meaningless achievement, even if it’s something that “could” be done. Let him know what patterns you see and then stop being receptive to his charm. (Or, in some cases you may have to stop creating a fantasy scenario in your mind that’s never going to come true)

He’s not available, but you deserve someone that is. You deserve a man that’s attentive, determined, and who appreciates what you have to give.

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Talk soon,

Matthew Coast

P.S. If you’ve been banging your head against the wall because you’ve fallen for a man who’s frustratingly unavailable…

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About The Author

Matthew Coast

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