A Good Man is Hard to Find – Is This True?

In the year 1953, there was a short story published entitled “A Good Man is Hard to Find” by Flannery O’Connor. The dark-theme of the story centers on a vacationing family who encounter a gang of Misfits and pay a dear price for it. While the ending of the book certainly provokes a reaction, the underlying theme is more interesting and subtle. Is there really such a thing as a good man? Are we only declared “Good” when adversity strikes? Or are there some good people out there who are just kind and brave by nature?

This question is all the more confusing in modern dating, simply because “Good” is a rather confusing term. Good may well be an antiquated word in terms of character and dating, just like a storyline and a dialect from 1953. For instance, when you say the word “good”, and when a man describes a “good woman”, this term may be a compilation of many different characteristics. Is “Good” universal? Or is it a word we need to outgrow and replace with a more modern descriptor?

Let’s consider four definitions of Good and apply them to the dating world as you know it.

1. Honest

Honesty builds trust. It gives you a reason to believe in him and to give him his full independence. When a man is honest and lives up to his word, he is trustworthy. Of course, in the modern age, now we have the other extreme: honest to a fault. The best kind of “Honest” man is an ethical man—one who doesn’t want to hide information or lie for an advantage. He is a good man because he sets a fine example and respects his partner.

Ask yourself where an honest man comes from. What were the values that shaped him growing up? What lifestyle or creed influenced him to make ethical choices—so much so that lying really never crosses his mind?

2. Faithful

A faithful man is committed to his partner’s happiness. Years ago, unfaithful men were all but ostracized from the community—and subject to religious and legal persecution for cheating. But nowadays, we live in another world; one of polyamorous love, open flirting, anonymous chats and web cams. Even though strict monogamy is less common today, the spirit of fidelity is very much alive.

Practically every couple has established rules in their relationship, regardless of what others outside the home think. These rules must be negotiated then followed. The real betrayal comes from deliberately breaking the rules and then hiding the unfaithful act, which violates trust.

How do you find a faithful man? Find a man who respects the rules—not just society’s rules but your own rules of personal space and your sense of self. A faithful man makes it a point to play by the “rules”, whether spoken or implied, because it shows respect for a woman he admires. Fidelity is about keeping that respect. By the time one partner starts treating the other like a fool, inventing lies and gaslighting to avoid detection, all respect has been lost.

3. A Reliable Provider

The real question is, a provider of what? Psychology Today focused on an issue that’s really dividing the single female population: whether to date biologically attractive and advantageous men or the type of men that a woman is “supposed to like” by social instruction. Because many women are empowered and independent today (with the added burden of running a home and raising children) the issue of “What the man provides” becomes more complicated.

Many women date biologically attractive men in their youth and then grow up to marry stable men—career focused, as well as men with compatible family, lifestyle and long-term goals. On the other hand, there’s also the “bad boy” archetype of a biologically advantageous man who is a bad match for compatible lifestyles. He may be stubborn and overly independent. Not practical to the mature woman who now has a focus in her life.

This has caused difficulty among some women who settle for men who match them but who remain unfulfilled in matters of love. They also tend to fluctuate between nice guys (agreeable family providers) and jerks (particularly ambitious and high status “dominant” men who provide something altogether different).

The real question then becomes is the man providing for your needs…and what by the way are your specific needs now and in the future?

4. Traditional

While it may hurt one’s pride to admit it, sometimes traditional-minded men are the elusive “good men” out there. Mr. Right is so hard to find because the culture itself is changing and men are changing. Bolde recently published a list of reasons why good men are so hard to find and some included the rise of hookup culture, the expansion of online options (giving men many other choices), millennial rejection of marriage and monogamy, and even a growing trend in “man-child” behavior from handsome men who just don’t want to grow up.

Therefore, finding a good man may well mean you want a man who is more conventional and actually wants to be part of a family arrangement with specific roles and duties in the household. Ironically, women have become more educated and ambitious in recent times, but many men have not. Lower middle class single men seem to be avoiding marriage and family, while more affluent women subscribe to the American Dream…or at least that was the opinion of IT economics professor Michael Greenstone.

What this really teaches us is the importance of becoming a stronger, more confident and more feminine woman so that you can better attract the man you want. This requires you become more feminine so that men will chase you. It also requires keeping masculine traits in check—like controlling behavior, clingy romantic gestures, and “mothering” statements that tend to turn men off.

Just remember this: Men DO want to chase. They love to chase. The question is, can you become a woman who UNDERSTANDS men and gives them the chase they treasure so much? That’s the direction of our blog, so keep reading for more ideas on how to attract the Perfect Guy and keep him!

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About The Author

Matthew Coast

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