How to Tell If No Contact Is Working (4 Signs To Look For)

The main problem with the “no contact” rule is that you can’t really gauge how your ex is feeling about it. It’s like performing for an audience that you can’t see or hear. It’s like going to work but having no boss or clients to report to!

How in the world do you know if the “no contact” rule is working? Can you really just go based on my word? No, I’m not asking you to do that. Instead, what I want is for you to observe the SIGNS and figure out for yourself if the no contact rule is working.

This is your research assignment. Observe the guy from a safe distance. Also, evaluate your own life and your feelings and how they’ve changed. Analyze how the break up went and THEN make the decision on whether to initiate contact.

Here are four signs that tell the entire story.

1. You feel better…about your life, choices, and decisions.

This is simply the best place to be! A good “tell” on whether or not to contact your ex is to figure out how you feel. Are you still feeling desperate for his attention, angry or vengeful, or emotional whenever you think about him? Then believe me, it’s too soon. Far too soon. You must let go of all these negative emotions because approaching him this way only confirms his prejudice that you’re no longer a good fit for him. We feel as if he’s moved and you haven’t.

This time without him is vital because you’re rebuilding your self-respect, regaining control of your emotions, and readjusting your views of what went wrong in the relationships. When you’re so close to the situation, you will make errors in judgment. You may think it’s all your fault or that if you just tell him how you feel maybe you’ll get back together. But you must stop reacting emotionally, and start acting logically.

This is, after all, the language that the average man speaks. Don’t approach him or contact him for a significant period of time—whether it’s months or years, however long it takes to change your attitude, lifestyle and thoughts. You might get back together later on, but for now you need to spend some time building your confidence 

2. He reaches out to you first.

If he reaches out to you first, this is STRONG evidence that you are winning this game and that he is already missing you. Now that doesn’t necessarily mean he wants you back or has fallen in love again. It’s just a starting point and it’s something you can slowly build on. But an ex reaching out to you is a major step, especially after you’ve not contacted him for a while.

In other words, your complete lack of communication has alarmed him and convinced him that maybe you’re exiting his life for good. Cutting off all contact suggests it’s over, and with no friendship either.

His reaching out to you shows that he doesn’t want to lose you completely. You’ve shown him you’re much stronger than he thought. Besides that, he’s actually FORGOTTEN all the negative thoughts he was thinking about you, because he’s too busy missing you to obsess over the nagging doubts.

This is why I usually suggest that you ALWAYS wait for HIM to initiate and don’t reach out to him first, even if it’s just a little text message. Eventually, you can make the first move, but I advise against doing it for at least several months. I really think that in order for him to be impressed by the “new you”, you should respond to him and not try too hard to get his attention.

3. He is asking other people about you.

If he’s been asking other people about you that shows you’re constantly on his mind! A guy usually doesn’t talk to his friends or family about people he’s trying to forget. He may even talk to some of these people hoping that word gets back to you. In this case, he does want your attention and he does want to reach out to you. But he’s hoping to play it safe and get some positive feelings back before he reaches out to you.

You know something like “Oh I talked to ____ the other day. She said to tell you hello!”

He probably just wants to know that you’re not angry at him, or blaming him, or madly in love with him. He wants to know that the coast is clear and that he can start being your friend again.

And there’s nothing wrong with being his friend. After all, you became friends before you became a couple, right? It’s time to become friends again and slowly work towards a romantic relationship—a new one!

4. Negative feelings are turning into positive feelings.

They say time heals everything and it’s true. The best case scenario in a break up situation is that the negative feelings that caused the break up are slowly transformed into positive feelings. And whether it’s in the friendly or funny way your ex texts you, or the positive way he reacts on social media when he sees a new picture, or even when you have a conversation and you only have polite things to say to each other.

The goal has been achieved: neither of one you is holding onto those negative feelings. You’re both interacting with positive emotions and a clean slate as it were. This is the ideal place to be because the only reason you’re not together is all those extremely negative associations and feelings.

Seeing evidence of positivity from your ex—meaning the anger, the mistrust and the fear has been erased—is a good sign that it’s time to start becoming friends again.

Don’t think of reconciling as a heavy emotional process in which you finally work out those huge differences and have passionate makeup sex. Think of it more as a slow process, one where you regain each other’s trust as friends, and create a NEW relationship with a new dynamic. This time you will be independent, self-confident and strong. You will have new rules, new limits and “deal-breakers”. He will respect these changes, realizing this is a better and improved relationship.

And yes as always, he will be the one chasing you—just the way he likes it.

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Talk soon,

Matthew Coast

P.S. If you’ve been banging your head against the wall because you’ve fallen for a man who’s frustratingly unavailable…

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About The Author

Matthew Coast

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