How To Not Be Jealous

“Who is she? What were you talking about? Do you want to bang her?!”

Ah, the jealous wife questioning. Or in many cases, the jealous husband questioning. Whenever the “green eyed monster” comes out, suddenly we all become interrogation experts. How about this one?

“Look me in the eye and tell me there’s nothing between you two!”

Jealousy is a natural feeling, not only of human beings, but even in the animal kingdom. Scientists report that dogs and primates are particularly jealous creatures. They can feel jealous in terms of envying what they don’t have and also fearing losing the relationship they do have.

We understand this as intelligent and self-aware human beings. When a relationship is threatened, the one who stands to lose the most becomes defensive—maybe even aggressive. Preserving the “home”, the relationship you’ve built over the years, becomes a priority.

The real question is, since men are turned off by jealousy and especially paranoia, how can you NOT be jealous? Isn’t jealousy natural, something you can’t change?

Well, yes and no. It’s true that jealousy is a natural state. But what can be changed is how you REACT to these natural feelings. Let’s talk about five states of mind that will help you become a wife/girlfriend that doesn’t seem jealous in the least.

1. “I trust him.”

Trust is the most important quality in a relationship. Developing trust in your partner is what protects you from becoming controlling, emotionally abusive, and domineering—all negatives that will push him away. You may not like it initially when you see him paying attention to another woman. But do you trust him? Do you trust him to enjoy the moment (enjoying the woman’s beauty and friendly demeanor) but not to get carried away? If he loves you, or even likes you a great deal, he’s not going to sacrifice everything he’s built with you just on a whim and with some other woman he’s just met.

He would have to be lacking something with you that this “stranger” could instantly provide. Which brings us to the next point…

2. “What does this stranger really have to offer? No one does it better than me.”

Rather than chasing away any girl who dares look your boyfriend in the eye, your time and energy is better spent improving yourself and providing for your boyfriend’s needs (just as he provides for your needs—a mutually beneficial relationship. Some of those needs are sexual, of course. But it’s more than that. Ask yourself questions like:

• Do I fulfill his fantasies?
• Does he feel free to share with me how he really feels?
• Do I always listen when he needs someone to talk to?
• Do I engage him in conversation and learn his personal style?
• Do I support him in his hobbies, ambition, career, etc.?

This is a more practical approach. Realistically, the only way he would ever leave you is if someone provided for his needs better than you do. But since most women “out there” don’t care much about his life goals or his long-term happiness, and you do, it’s really no contest.

3. Do not show insecurity—even if you are a little jealous.

So let’s just admit that it may be impossible to completely lose all traces of jealousy. However, just because you feel threatened by another woman doesn’t mean you have to expose weakness—namely your own insecurity. Insulting the other woman, belittling her, and criticizing everything about her, only sends the message: “I think you like her better than me!”

This only works against you. Now your boyfriend is thinking, “Why is she so jealous? Is this other woman really into me? So what, am I not allowed to talk to other women now?”

Showing signs of insecurity only pushes your guy farther away from you. It punishes his desire for independence and fun with negative feelings. Those carefree days are over…now he’s married! See why guys have such a hang up about commitment?

4. “There is nothing wrong with my guy having a crush.”

This may seem like a strange thought, especially if you’ve been raised in a culture of “Don’t flirt…don’t look…don’t even fantasize.” But it’s very true: your guy developing a crush on another woman is inevitable. It happens. It shows that his manhood is still working. Big deal. I’m sure you will have your own crushes too, if you don’t already.

But crushes are like thunderstorms. They come in strong waves and then they pass. They pass, once your guy realizes, “Whoah this girl is nothing like you! She’s just pretty…she’s just fun. But she doesn’t MATCH me like you do. She doesn’t love me like you do.”

And there you go, that’s the end of a crush. And if you laughed his crush off and allowed him to FEEL it (or even fantasize about it) then you’ve showed him that you don’t feel threatened by his curiosity.

The worst thing you can do is to make this crush a forbidden topic. Making him feel guilty will only make this crush MORE of a reality and less of an absurd fantasy. Talk to him about how he feels and let him feel his independent spirit without punishing him for it. After all, there’s nothing wrong with having a thought, is there?

5. “If he’s happier with someone else, so be it.”

This brings us to the worst case scenario: What if it’s not just a crush and he’s really trying to score with someone else?

It hurts to say this, but the ONLY defense in this end game scenario is to let him go in that direction while you go in the other direction.

On one hand, no, you don’t want to crush all of his desires and make him a slave to you. But then again, if he doesn’t commit to you, you don’t owe any commitment to him either. Sometimes you have to call him on his “polyamorous” desires, if that’s what it comes to.

“You can pursue who you want, but then I guess I’ll just have to pursue who I want.” And there you go. He’s chosen someone else other than you and so you leave him for someone more interesting.

This is the cause and effect. If he walks away from you, you walk away from him. This simple action sends a strong message: I don’t need you to survive. I will be OK on my own.

And though that might hurt to say (it might even feel like a lie) it’s necessary to show your independence. Your independence is the source of all your strength. It’s what makes you be attractive to men.

(And I’m not going to get into the polyamorous lifestyle in this article, but suffice it to say, the same rule applies. If he gets to fool around with other people, then so do you. NEVER give him total freedom to do what he wants while you have to sacrifice your own independence and dignity just to make him happy. This is the start of a dysfunctional relationship)

The end of jealousy is when you realize just how valuable you are and how much he WANTS YOU. He doesn’t want the fantasy long-term. What he really wants is the liberating feeling of having a partner who trusts him, loves him, and isn’t afraid to talk about anything and everything.

About The Author

Matthew Coast

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