You hear it from practically EVERYONE, regardless of religious or philosophical ideology: do not rush into a commitment! Yes, we all probably know the story of one couple who had a teenage wedding and lived 50 years later to tell us all about it.
But the sad truth is, those types of relationships are fairly uncommon. Most couples that get together and become engaged or married within a few months are headed for failure. When emotions overpower logic, irrational thinking prevails. It’s hard to build a lifelong marriage on abnormal thinking, romantic though it may be.
That’s precisely why you should avoid jumping into a relationship with a guy you just met. That was kind of the point of Disney’s Frozen, right? Time reveals a prince’s true colors. Time reveals whether your love is real or feigned. And just so you know, time only makes real love grow stronger. There’s really no such thing as love that’s only valid for a week month or for a few months, you know, like a coupon. Real love doesn’t expire.
So rather than jump into a commitment neither of you are sure you can handle right now, why not just focus on the here and now? Spend more time getting to know him. Learning his good qualities. Noticing how he treats you, how he treats his family and friends. What motivates him? What are his secrets and dreams? These are the things you should be learning and evaluating, to make sure your perception of this great guy matches up with the reality of who he is.
That means you want to avoid forcing him into exclusivity, as well as avoiding HIM if he’s trying to make you exclusive without your agreement.
Now that’s not to say that you want to distance yourself and push him away, sending him mixed messages. You may really like the guy. And if that’s the case, GOOD! All the more reason not to ruin a good thing by putting limits and laying down rules. Slow things down and try to actually ENJOY dating.
The best thing to do, rather than wait for the guy to bring it up and risk an awkward conversation, is to tell him how you feel about “relationship talk.”
No need to worry…here are a few ideas on how you can broach the subject in a positive way rather than creating negative energy.
1. Avoid being clingy in the first place if you’re not ready to commit. Show him this will be a slow relationship.
It’s no wonder some guys get carried away with commitment when the clingy behavior of girlfriends drives them to it!
If you really want to send him the message of “Take it slow”, then resist the urge to monopolize all of his time.
Let him have his independence.
Don’t schedule dates in advance, don’t insist on meeting his family or having him meet your family.
Keep things light hearted and he may follow suit just fine.
2. Have the talk sooner rather than bringing it up later.
It’s best to be clear about expectations from the very beginning. In fact, a man usually responds worse when he thinks you spring this “relationship talk” on him without any warning.
Make it clear in the very beginning what you don’t want, and what you’re looking for.
For example, you would tell him upfront if you’re not looking for a commitment or a life partner right now… you want your independence.
On the other hand, maybe you would negotiate some kind of exclusive arrangement if and when you start having sex.
However, sex doesn’t necessarily mean a full-time engagement, with all the expectations of family, friends and regular dates. Maybe that’s another milestone you will work towards.
The sooner you flesh out these details, the sooner you avoid misunderstandings.
3. Don’t hide how you feel. Speak freely and encourage him to do the same.
It’s important that both of you are represented in the first relationship talk. Don’t hide your true feelings because you’re afraid of running him off. Hiding information only seems to bring on more emotionally wrenching breakups later on.
You should also encourage your partner to be honest about what he wants, expects, or fears. All the more so if you sense he’s reluctant to open up. (And yet he seems to want more intimacy)
Establish your relationship based on his and your needs. Hear him out and be honest about your perspective. Compromise equally and don’t let him decide everything. It should be a mutually beneficial and respectful negotiation.
4. Leave emotion out of it!
This refers to all emotion—whether it’s a big dramatic “We have to talk!” announcement, a drunken revelation late one night, a crying meltdown, or a screaming fit (followed by amazing sex).
All these clichés (which seem to work in the movies) are a mistake in real life. Out of control emotion is what scares guys away, not necessarily the commitment or the “talk” of where this relationship is headed.
Handle things in a mature way, without excessive emotion, since inevitably, most emotion at this point is negative. A man will respect you for communicating your needs in a logical and respectful way.
5. When in doubt, postpone sex.
This bears repeating because too many women today are still making the mistake of using sexual bribery to advance or invest in a relationship. Hey, look…we’re all really happy about the sexual revolution going on and equal rights for women to be one-nighters like the guys. But that comes with one asterisk…
Don’t sleep with a guy if you really like him and want to explore a real relationship. Friends with benefits almost never macro-evolves into true love. If you really want to take a relationship slow, use the ultimate bargaining chip. A slow relationship in which you don’t have sex, and so you DON’T have to have the relationship talk anytime soon.
It’s best to avoid it until the very end…that is, after the guy has fallen for you. That is, when he’s ready to commit and when you decide to reward him with sex—meaning you’re ready for the relationship to advance too.
It’s all a matter of timing. Your courtship behavior slowly progresses in a way where all of this seems natural and logical. The key is to avoid sex until he starts feeling an emotional connection.
Relationship talks don’t have to be so scary. Keep it casual by not over-investing in him prematurely. Respond positively to his efforts and as always, keep him chasing you over a period of time. Slow and steady wins his heart!
The secret to getting his love and commitment
Getting into the relationship you want can be hard…
Especially if it seems like most of the men you meet just want sex and nothing more.
Yet over 2 million women get married each year in the USA alone…
So what are they doing that you’re not to inspire these men to commit to them?
What if you had the power to make the man you love suddenly wake up and start working hard to get YOU to commit to HIM?
I know that may sound like a fantasy…
But it’s not.
I’ve been teaching in the dating and relationship space for over 11 years.
And I’ve helped women meet Mr. Right, get married, fix their relationships, and a whole lot more.
Because of the successes of other women, I’ve compiled exactly what you need to do to go from where you are to happily in whatever type of relationship you want.
Let me ask you a question…
What’s the #1 most important thing that you can do to go from meeting a man to commitment or even marriage?
The answer could completely change your life.
Talk soon,
Matthew Coast
P.S. The internet has made the dating world even more competitive because of how many women are now eagerly available to men.
Learn the secrets that will make a man drive your relationship forward and have an unfair advantage over all the other women out there.
Looks like my chances are thin, then.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that you have a huge chance of a good relationship with a friend who is real and ready for a new experience so to lower his way back to that one who brought up his interest unexpectedly…..
It’s takes a while to find Mr our Mrs right
The time will come when you lease accept it good luck
Not necessarily true about rushing into committment. A man knows from the very beginning who & what he wants. When He is serious, he will make it be known. We as Women need to walk in our Femininity.
Sometimes, sometimes not. Helena Hart’s husband wasn’t looking for marriage before he met her. Celine Remy’s (another coach of ours) husband was planning on never getting married before they got together.
A lot of guys out there want marriage but they don’t think they’ll find someone they want to get married to… then the meet a woman who changes everything for them.
I have a question. Why do you always asume it’s the guy that gets bored & leaves?
I don’t… that’s usually why women come to me though so that’s what I talk about.
Most women don’t come to me for advice because they got bored and left a guy… they come because a guy got bored and left them (or many other scenarios).
To be honest Matthew sometimes I feel like all these men want is sex and oral they want to have it done to them but not returning the favor. I feel like when they look at me all they see is a vagina to have their way with . We are having a conversation and it leads to sex and the conversation stops there. The question is do men really want to commit? And what’s the reason for banging other women when they are committed to someone else?
I agree but my man started cheating then he just stopped touching me i ended up leaving him but we talk everyday for the last year weve been split up and were talking bout getting back together. I just want us to take it slow this time around.
The column offers very good advice…I think, as much as we think we are independent, as woman we still have the deep desire to pair for the long term as soon as possible. We want that security. Women, at least me, don’t want to sleep with a series of men, we want just one, but are often sure we found him too soon and want to advance the relationship. That said, I think women, just like men, owe it to themselves to have a good sex partner. If we really like a guy and wait for months until the relationship grows emotionally to have sex, only to find out it doesn’t work, we will be heartbroken. We have invested all our emotions and wasted time on someone who is not going to be the one. I think because men seem to be more focused on sex, they want to eliminate incompatible sex partners earlier on in the dating.
Is best to a guy who you know for while about your past experiences what has happened to you in your other relationships
Well, no, I don’t agree about postponing sex. Sex is the difference between friendship and a relationship. If sex doesn’t work for you two, you are heading for a very unhappy relationship, so you want to know that asap, before you wasted your time on a guy who is not sexualy compatible. Also it’s a huge mistake to try and convince yourself that things are going to be well even if the guy doesn’t turn you on, but otherwise is a really nice guy. It has to be both, hell, after the kids I gladly would take friends with benefits over the relationship without benefits.