What can you do if the relationship you were counting on, building your life around, and wanted more than anything in the world seems doomed?
What does a strong, confident woman do when she’s faced with this important decision? That is, to either walk away from what she wants—what she really desires with all her heart—or to be stubborn and fight extra hard for the relationship you’ve invested so much time in.
The worst case scenario is that you risk annoying your ex-boyfriend to the point where he cuts you off completely. The best case scenario is that you fix your relationship and avoid the breakup that seems inevitable right now.
If you want to learn how to repair what is broken, it’s time to take decisive steps. It’s not too late. But it may be surprising to you when you learn that most of your instincts on this are wrong. Sometimes the best approach is the opposite approach as these five tips show.
1. Stop living in denial. Acknowledge the problems on both ends.
It may feel self-empowering to deny any responsibility in an ailing relationship. But it’s only hurting the both of you. Sometimes what your partner wants is validation that his suffering is real…that it’s not all in his mind. Sometimes the best approach is to discuss the problems you have frankly. If you’re in doubt, ask him to confide in you what he feels and what he wants more of in the relationship. You don’t have to change who you are…but the first part of negotiation is accepting compromise and acknowledging your partner’s pain.
2. Mirror his energy and give him the support he wants.
Men will either have one of two reactions to a troubled relationship: they will either withdraw or they will try to talk the problems out (albeit sometimes in an agitated state). Just because a man seems negative, angry or passive aggressive doesn’t necessarily mean he has lost all love for you. Sometimes men really do just “vent” and they want to let out their frustrations. Let him speak his mind and assume that if he’s this passionate about the relationship, he really does care about the outcome. He doesn’t want to lose you but wants to fix this problem.
The other extreme is that your guy is distancing himself from all feelings, discussions and bonding sessions. He may be hurt, he may be thinking, or he may be trying NOT to think. Whatever the case may be, let him go.
Chasing after him and forcing him to talk about something he clearly is not ready to talk about is only poking the monster. He will either lash out of you or worse yet, just break things off completely. The best thing to do is to mirror his energy and give him the space he is obviously signaling that he needs.
Giving him his independence doesn’t mean that you’re submitting to him, nor does it mean you’re just giving up on him. It simply means that you accept his behavior. You don’t have to condone his behavior and you certainly don’t have to “wait for him” to come back to you.
But you are willing to let him go because he should always feel that he has the freedom to leave. He doesn’t necessarily have the freedom to “come back”. That’s up to you, whether you want him back in your life and how much effort he’s putting in to charming you and chasing you.
However, he can always leave because you’re independent and you don’t NEED HIM to be happy. You are a complete person with or without him.
3. Once you start negotiating again, focus on compromise.
Once you get back to the discussion phase of the pre-breakup, it’s time to focus on SOLUTIONS, not more rehashes of past offenses. Once both partners open up about mistakes and problems of the past, it’s time to move ever forward.
Now you’re onto the compromise stage. If you both feel there’s something beautiful worth preserving here, then you’re going to be willing to make some concessions. This makes your partner feel safer and helps you both build trust in these new rules and parameters.
This attitude of solutions first, arguments postponed will help you keep in mind what’s really important. You’re not attacking each other as people…just the behavioral patterns that bother you. You can work together to stop bad habits or at least limit them in a way acceptable to your partner.
It’s very important to minimize emotion in general when you’re working for a common solution. While it is cathartic to release your frustration openly and AVOID bottling up your negative feelings, it will serve you better to focus on facts. Focus on ideas for compromise and not on the volatile emotion you feel. Don’t go on the offensive and don’t become defensive, if your partner starts discussing patterns that bother him.
It’s not a fact that you’re guilty of doing something terrible…it’s a fact that something you do is bothering him. Listen so you can try to figure out a way to address his concerns, without totally changing who you are.
4. Empathize with him and listen closely.
The best way to get through a personal and volatile argument is to try to understand your partner’s perspective. What may sound like hateful or resentful commentary is oftentimes masking grief, fear, and paranoia. Remember that he may have other physical or emotional problems that are only adding to the stress of the relationship. Sometimes taking the mind of your partner and seeing things from his point of view will help the two of you find a workable compromise.
What does help is to listen closely, ask questions clarifying detail, and summarizing what his main complaints are. Answer his concerns logically and calmly. This will eventually cue him to match your energy and stop him from becoming overly emotional or defensive.
5. Lastly, always follow up your new conflict resolution agreement with more connection and more bonding time. Communication is key.
The makeup part of a mended relationship increases intimacy, mutual respect and oftentimes reignites old passions, making you both feel rejuvenated. Now is your chance to “maintenance” the relationship by talking more, sharing more feelings, and spending time rebuilding mutual respect. Communication is key because it’s not just the big arguments that keep your love going. It’s the little touches, the compliments, the please and thank you sentiments…the willingness you have to confide in each other and stay the closest of friends.
All relationships will be tested, especially as time goes on. But there’s no reason why you can’t save your marriage or engagement. All it takes is the desire to stay together and a strategy to come together again with a newfound respect.
When He Pulls Away, Text Him THIS
If you’re tired of men pulling away from you and you want to know how to make him want to come back and never leave again…
Here’s the secret…
In order for a man to come running back to you, he needs to feel two things…
The first one is REGRET for pulling away in the first place.
If you attack or punish him for pulling away, you’ll only make him want to pull away further.
Instead, you want him to feel like coming back to you is more pleasurable than being away.
The second thing you want him to feel is like HE MISSES YOU.
He can’t miss you if you smother him with calls and messages.
Apologizing, trying to see if he’s mad at you, seeing if he’s okay…
This only makes him feel like he needs more space.
There’s a 4 word text message that will make him feel both of these things when you send it to him.
If you’d like to hear what the text message is, click the link below right now to watch a video about it…
Talk soon,
Matthew Coast
P.S. If you want a relationship where a man loves you, sees you, and cherishes you, then you need to watch this video…
What are your thoughts on long distance relationships someone chasing me ive been single for 30yrs and happy i blocjed this man only to find him on all my messages has the power and uses it so i gave him a chance i know red flag anyway my heart said differently after being dead for so long brought back to life after a few months of conversations feel hard for him and he for me ?? Then starts asking for financial help but because of were he is transaction wouldn’t go through to this country anyway long story i got into this realationship on finding Mr.right my husband was killed in bike accident who i loved deeply and raised my kids and worked full time with no help to get be brought back into emotions that were asleep to find out this is what waits for me im very attractive and get countless offers over the years kept my wedding band on to deter any chance of that approach
I would rather walk away from this relationship with a broken heart this man has power has shut down my F.B account put me up as a man no one can message me he has read all my E-mails
He knows everthing about me and my family knows ive been single for the 30yrs which mskes him pursuing me harder he tricked my sister into asking ? About me by using his authority
Any suggestions would be appreciated thank you Katrina
You provided the answer to your question in that you would rather walk away. I am betting that your feelings are mostly confusion and anxiety and once you walk away and gain control they will go away. And I would run, don’t walk…
Huh..what?
Give him a chance there’s no harm in trier he never can tell what he have in stock for you
I need marriage tips on how to keep your spouse and how to make conversation
Me as well too.
Hi Matthew, I am seeing someone who say he is in love with me and wants to see me happy. He used to have meaningless sex with different women before and before we started getting interested in each other romantically I advised to have sex with one woman and you might start something. We have gone through several break ups and have gotten back together. It was during one of those break ups that he had proposed to the woman he was having sex to become his girlfriend and she accepted. In the mean time we got back together. I am a Muslim and he is a Christian. He keep saying he is hoping for a girl friend and he is not going for marriage and I cannot be a girlfriend because of my religious beliefs. We keep seeing each other and I asked what about his girl friend I don’t remember exactly what he said but I remember him saying he with me 90% of the time. They hardly see or talk to each other. So I invited him for thanksgiving. In the morning of that day he mentioned talking to his girlfriend and that they won’t be together and I am the only woman in his life. So we had the Thanksgivings dinner that day. The following evening he called that he misses me so I invited over to watch a basketball game during that time he mentioned his talking to his girlfriend again and that she had asked him what did he do in Thanksgivings and he has said he had Thanksgivings dinner with me. She has gotten angry over it than he has told her she didn’t do anything so he spend it with me. She also knows we usually eat dinner together and that he likes me. I am feeling disappointed and heart broken because I don’t where do I fit in all this so I broke up with him and told him I will be staying away. I did with out investigating too much about that in the morning of Thanksgivings I was the only woman in his life and than the following day he mentions talking to so called his girlfriend again. Did do the right thing? Should I move on. Not sure what to do.
I love this man but he hurt me
There is no love without hurt
I had a perfect story with love sex affection and common interests. He has sexual problems due to diabetes, but one night he told me that I was his last one, because I was able to satisfy him and make me happy. He told he loved me so much. I was also helping him with his divorce and legal problems. After 5 days he told me that he had no more desire for me, but he still loved me. I have been with him and cared for him for 5 more months, trying to understand what happened. He never told me. We have split 2 months ago. I would like to know your professional opinion about what could have made a 63 years old man (but immature and vain) to change his mind so quickly. I need to know to be able to carry on with my life. Thank you so much for your help and your time. Cheers
You see before I married my husband he was unfaithful for a long time well I was taking care of our child . He said it was just sex and he was sleeping with both of us .
But I decided to work on it rather than leave . We did for a bit enough for me to believe things were better . He said let’s go to the court house and get married well have ceremony later like you want . I said okay well it’s been 2 year since than he told me he was going to get papper work done so we can get married in cathlioc church . I started to look at things but he wasn’t really excited later we talked he told me . I wasn’t a priority in his life he didn’t know why ? He was angry with me but couldn’t tell me why ? He didn’t like a sexual thing I did . He won’t leave me cause he doesn’t have guts . ( Later told me he didn’t mean it but can’t tell what he wants ) He says he wants to work on it but does not want talk to anyone .
This all happened in January after I waited tell March but he didn’t say anything so I talked to him in October anytime it’s brought up he doesn’t respond .
He gets upset with me . It’s hard for me figure out what to do I have given him space since january tell now he still can’t talk to me about . I can’t even see where I can comprise because he can’t tell me why he really feels the way he feels . I’m waiting to get referral for a counselor but right now I just want know do you have any advice ?
Do these replies ever get edited? I can hardly make out what they are describing. I’m not being mean, the grammar is pretty bad though.
Who do you want to have edit these people’s comments? Lol
The guy was with he hurt me to my sole and never explain to me about the space or breakup that. what he wanted and respected and give it to him the space I like to be back. him hoping he will change it has been 4 in a half months but his mother died and I seen him late month. in December 6 2020 .So should I start my time over from December. by giving him the space He is through a few things but grieving over her but we been friends 39 years for along time. The 21 months we dating I hope he learned something about me he did. not know
This article does strike a note for a past experience i went through….. Just all part of the human experience. I am glad i read through this, I can definately agree with the part of this phase where instincts are misleading and difficult to navigate. I’m still learning, but i am very glad you took the time to post this Matthew. This is a real moment in relationships where not a lot of us know how to navigate.
My fiancee and I split in the Summer of 2020 after being together 3 years, all his choice, over a silly argument. About 4 months later we started seeing each other. But, my guy kept me at arms distance. Refusing to tell his family he was seeing me and not wanting to say we were in a relationship again. This continued for 4 months. I wanted to be engaged again. He said he no longer wanted to ever remarry in his life. The pain of this hurt so deep I developed a drinking problem and he finally left me over that. I just could not see to wait him out long enough. I wanted us to be back where were. Engaged again for a long engagement. I just hated the waiting. Now, I have likely lost him for good or for more time. How does a woman handle waiting months and years for a man to want to be engaged again? I don’t know if I have the strength. He seems like a commitment phobe and a little naracisstic.
I have been dealing with a guy for almost 13 yrs..He says that we’re not in a relationship..So what is it? We’re not friends..He has been spending time with a lady which he says is his friend..He stays at her house for 8 hours..He tells me that it’s nothing going on..I think otherwise..Don’t want me to be around a man like that nor go anywhere then it’s said that I’m messing around..