It’s one of the most heartbreaking problems imaginable: when both partners feel lonely, sexually frustrated and resentful about it. Maybe the problem is that modern culture is so eager to blame someone for everything that goes wrong, and yet we never really stop to consider the feelings involved.
Even in relationships, our instinct is to shame either the man or the woman for not being horny and exciting. A man (and his friends) might blame the woman for a sexless marriage, saying that she’s a prude or a “vanilla”. A woman (and her friends) might blame the man, saying that it’s his responsibility to romance the woman and make her feel passionate.
The truth is, there is no one to blame – just a glaring problem that both partners need to deal with. What makes this an especially upsetting problem is that one or both partners don’t seem to want to talk about it openly.
Of course not. It’s embarrassing, isn’t it? And worse yet, when you’re criticizing someone’s sexual shortcomings, it quickly becomes awkward and even insulting. There’s no question that sexual problems can lead to a breakdown in trust, a lack of emotional intimacy and lower self-confidence.
There is only one way to repair the damage and that’s by talking things out, as unromantic as it might seem. And while it’s true that it’s not just the woman’s job to fix a couple’s stale sex life, nor is it just a man’s job, the simple fact is that someone has to take the first step. Someone has to try to do something and this effort will hopefully motivate the other partner to help out too.
Let’s review five things to try when a man doesn’t seem to want sex or romance anymore.
1. Try to empathize with what he’s feeling.
One thing I notice today is that more than a few people think that a sex drought is enough to justify a divorce. And while it’s easy to understand the frustration of feeling unwanted, giving up too soon is just not the loving thing to do. If you still love him, then don’t throw away all the good memories just because of a difficult time.
Try to empathize with him and figure out why he’s backed away and why he might be hesitant to talk about it. Your first suspicion might be that he’s cheating. Bear in mind though, lovers who cheat tend to act happier so as not to arouse suspicion. If he’s distant or very obviously frustrated, he might be suffering from low self-confidence or a lack of trust. Or his lack of interest in sex could be related to another issue entirely. (On the other hand, if he’s grumpy and accusing you of being unfaithful that might spell trouble…but that’s another article!)
2. Always approach him with a positive frame of mind.
If your first thought is to talk about the problem then your instincts are correct. But how is the tone of conversation? If it’s overly critical or disrespectful of him, then it’s not accomplishing anything. Making him feel bad about the relationship will only push him farther away and create resentment.
The best thing to do is approach him in a positive and supportive tone. Focus on your feelings and needs, not his shortcomings. Instead of making it critical, show gratitude for the man he is and has been.
Make him excited to try something new, approaching solutions like a new sexy game or fantasy you’ve always had. Even if he knows what you’re doing, he’s far more likely to play along with it because you’re making him feel good.
3. Appeal to his memories.
One of the best ways to rekindle the passion that once existed between you is to mention some of your favorite sexy memories. Do you both still remember your first time together? Or your wildest fantasy that you tried in real life? How about almost getting caught in public?
These memories are still vividly remembered and close to his heart. Talk about the great memories you’ve had together. Talk about the most passionate moments of your life and how it would be great to feel that again.
You see, you’re not only communicating your needs – you’re also reminding him that he wanted you in the first place. He was the one who chased you. He once desired you and he can rekindle that desire with your help.
4. Encourage him by focusing on his sexy qualities.
Make him feel masculine again by discussing his positive traits. What have you always found attractive about him physically and mentally? His rugged strength? His wild imagination and humor? His strength or his seductive voice?
Mention these to him as you plan date nights and lovemaking sessions. Don’t just expect him to be sexy and confident…help him feel that way again.
5. Work on yourself to feel more attractive.
Many women suffer from poor body image and this will always make it more difficult for you to be sexy, confident and more dominant in the bedroom. (And by the way, yes, practically all guys like a confident lover)
So while the solution IS to feel better about yourself, love yourself, and pamper yourself, don’t underestimate how self-improvement works.
If you feel self-conscious about your body, you can always make changes so that your confidence returns naturally. If you’re unhappy with your body, your fashion, your beauty routines, then don’t let that unhappiness continue to fester.
Make the decision to change your lifestyle. Project a different mindset and different energy, with the resolution to change what you don’t like. Soon, you’ll be getting rid of the flaws holding you back. Other men will notice how attractive you are and your husband will also notice how you’re really trying – your confidence is back and so is his desire for you!
I realize this is a difficult problem and sometimes embarrassing to talk about. But I promise you, putting forth the effort to address it in a positive and united way, is going to show him how much you care about him and the beautiful life you’ve built together.
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Talk soon,
Matthew Coast
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