How to Catch a Cheater

You can’t hide your lyin’ eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you’d realize
There ain’t no way to hide your lyin eyes

The first time I heard “Lyin Eyes” by the Eagles, I don’t think I fully appreciated the full meaning behind it. Years later, I caught more of the subtlety of the lyrics, the implications, and even the deeper meaning that it suggested. If you ask musicians Glenn Grey and Don Henley, they would tell you the song was inspired by a Los Angeles bar where they saw many beautiful women who were paired up with fatter, older, wealthier husbands. The song started as a joke but evolved into a story that they said eventually just wrote itself.

The song always struck me as tragic, because cheating is tragic. Once you get past the anger and the rage of betrayal, you’re faced with a very simple, hard-to-swallow fact. That both partners have failed to communicate. They failed each other. They wanted so much in the beginning, they had so much faith and expectation. But in the end, they just couldn’t live up to those expectations.

Of course the hook of the song was “Lyin’ Eyes”, as in a person who lies to your face but who can’t stop looking guilty in their eyes.

Is it true? Can you really tell a person, “Look me in the eye” and get an honest answer out of them? Or can you at least sense they’re lying by the way they flinch or squint their eyes?

Easy answer—if that person is a sociopath and an experienced liar, you would NEVER know the difference. If that person is an inexperienced liar and feels guilty about cheating, then yes, you may be able to see it in their eyes.

Then again, if your partner is NOT cheating, and you confront them anyway, now it reflects badly on you! You’re perceived as insecure and your partner now assumes you don’t trust him. And how can a relationship survive without trust?

Realistically speaking, if you really suspect your husband/boyfriend is cheating, you’re going to have to think outside the box and come up with a better way of tracking his behavior. Here are a few ideas on how to find out the truth, no questioning necessary.

1. Start keeping a journal of all activities of the suspected cheater.

Write down details about what he does, including times, place, people, and statements. Compare what he says he was doing to what the evidence shows, such as information from bank statements, credit card bills, phone bills and even apps. Wherever there is a crime there is a paper trail! Try to think like a cheater in general. For example, if your partner is cheating, there’s a very good chance the mistress is on speed dial but under a different name. Create a quick “profile” of when, why and who and begin gathering evidence.

2. Change up your routine.

Adulterous affairs are scheduled and arranged on predictability. That’s why one of the oldest tricks in the book still works: surprise him where he doesn’t think you’ll show up. At his job, the gym, home from work early, at the bar, and so on. Have a legitimate excuse ready on why you needed to “surprise” him with an emergency errand or announcement. You could also change your plans without telling him and see if it disrupts his plans for romance.

3. Analyze his life patterns and look for new or unusual habits.

Cheaters almost always change up their life routine—either because they want to cheat or they are already having an affair. They may start working out, changing diet, using a different cologne, dressing differently, and so on. A cheater may also stay up later, get up earlier, or perhaps wander around at night.

These changes are also spontaneous, as opposed to something he’s been talking about doing for a while now. When you ask him questions he becomes defensive. In fact, it seems like your partner is irritable lately. Which brings us to the next point…

4. Study his “deflective” behavior.

Men will often become unusually defensive and aggressive when you confront them with doubts or suspicion. He may even start picking fights with you to justify storming out in a rage (which allows him time to talk to his mistress). A man who cheats oftentimes accuses you of cheating, to put you on the defensive and take the heat off of himself.

5. Invest in cheap surveillance equipment.

Some cheaters might expect to be followed by a detective…that’s predictable. You setting up surreptitious surveillance equipment is something unexpected! Whether you set up a hidden nanny cam, a voice-activated stealth recorder, computer monitoring software (with keylogging) and even a small mini-GPS tracking device. Over at Complex, we actually learned of some more interesting “Spy on your cheating guy” gadgets, including Facebook hacking software, mobile phone stealth software, and other apps and programs that bend the rules in the name of love.

Just remember to compile all the evidence first and then ASK him about the discrepancy. Pretend to be innocent and ask him for a simple explanation…but anticipate his BS excuse and call him on it. Wait until he’s backed into a corner and has no choice but to admit that he lied. This is why anticipating the easiest lie is such a good strategy on your part.

Remember one final secret weapon: DO NOT give him all of your evidence at once. Give him just SOME of the evidence and then get him to create a defense. Now, present the rest of the evidence (or even piece by piece) until he starts to contradict his own story. The more you SLOWLY reveal that you know, the more likely he will feel overwhelmed and may confess to his affair.

Suspecting that your partner is cheating on you is one of the worst feelings in the world. But even worse is suspecting your partner is cheating without evidence (since he will turn it around on you and punish you for doubting him) or even falsely accusing an innocent man you love.

This is why it’s important to avoid becoming overly emotional and to instead take a logical approach. Don’t dismiss your intuition. Chances are, you have noticed something strange about him lately and it may be something so small that it barely registers on your radar. But you DO SEE IT. And if you suspect something is off, or something has changed, you may be on to something. Now it’s time to investigate the case like a professional would and learn the truth.

Don’t rely just on the lyin’ eyes. Investigate the facts and remove all doubt!

About The Author

Matthew Coast

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