Are You in a Marriage Without Intimacy? Here’s What You Should Do…

Chances are you know if you’re in a marriage without intimacy. You may feel lonely all the time. You may be more tempted to cheat (or at least flirt with other people) lately more than you’ve ever been in the past. Maybe it’s progressed to the point where you rarely ever communicate.

If this sounds like you, even just a little bit, then it’s time to get serious. No this doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed, it doesn’t mean your partner is cheating on you or that you’re destined to cheat. Stop thinking negatively and start analyzing things objectively! There still may be a way to help save the marriage and bring that intimacy level back to where it should be.

Here’s what you should do immediately if you notice any awkwardness, emotional distance, or any “weirdness” in general.

1. Talk to your partner and give him the chance to open to you.

Don’t rush to conclusions. Don’t accuse him of cheating without evidence. Don’t demand couples therapy. Give him the chance to tell you what’s bothering you, whether it’s about him or about the relationship in general. Try to keep a peaceful and nonjudgmental attitude, since this can help him want to open up.

2. Work on gaining trust back and healing any emotional wounds.

Remember that physical intimacy almost always results from a lack of emotional intimacy. The answer is usually NOT something as simple as “He doesn’t find me attractive anymore.” This is a toxic thought that you might think is possible, but if you go on believing that, you create a distance between the both of you. That might not be the problem at all…and it could be something else bothering him.

Arguing, poor body image (“Am I too fat? Am I getting older?”), work stress, family stress, all these things can contribute to a lack of sexual desire and lack of intimacy. Talk things out in detail and get him to be your friend before your “husband”.

Usually, when there is infidelity in a marriage it happens because one or both mates have found someone else to TALK to, and that leads to sexual temptation. The key then is to reach a point of comfort where you can both share freely. This will help bring on the next phase…

3. State specifically what you WANT. Don’t focus on blaming or battering each other.

When you’re both angry, or when you’re both feeling emotionally detached, it’s easy to focus on blaming or on shaming each other for what they’re doing wrong. But the most productive way of addressing problems is to tell him what you need, what you want, and what you can negotiate with him to give you more of what you want. You can’t be a hard negotiator, there must be some compromise obviously. The answer, however, is in being SPECIFIC about things he can do to make you happier.

4. Don’t try to change him—work on changing yourself and reclaiming your independence.

Sometimes it’s easy to blame your spouse and say, “He needs to ____ in order to better please me.” Unfortunately, this only works if your mate is motivated to change. You cannot change a man by nagging, arguing with him, or putting any kind of negative pressure on him. What you do have power over is how you feel about something and what attitude you have towards your partner.

IF you still love him, and still want this marriage to work, ask yourself if you can better manage your expectations or disappointments by becoming more independent. Your partner should not be the sole reason you’re happy or content. You need to find positivity in your life REGARDLESS of him. Your partner isn’t responsible for making you happy. What does make you happy is getting in touch with your own feelings and realizing what changes you need to make.

This does NOT mean that your partner is always right and that you should change to be more subservient to him. Not at all. This is just one simple step: you must not let HIM dictate how you feel. You must find happiness on your own. Whether that means leaving him later on is solely your decision. But do remember that happiness always starts in your mind and should never be dependent on his mood.

5. Learn your partner’s “love language” and become a better communicator.

Lastly, don’t just assume your partner wants the same thing that all men want. Learn his communication style. Learn his unique “love language”, in which he expresses love and wants love in return. Remembering that each individual sometimes sees things different will help you to better “negotiate” with a partner you don’t always understand.

He may like hugs and presence. You might love more verbal assurances and sharing of feelings. It’s important that you both learn each other’s unique love language so you can be in sync when you communicate. Otherwise, you may expressing love to a “brick wall”…he doesn’t speak your love language and so misses all these gestures you give him.

6. Make time for romance.

We live in a very fast-paced world, one that’s rarely fair and rarely quiet and calming. That means that your hope for a spontaneous perfect romantic vacation may not happen by pure happenstance. Instead, it’s something you have to discuss and plan in advance. While it IS ideal for the man to be romantic and spontaneous he can’t do it alone. You both have to make time for romance, sex and intimacy. If you don’t, life will happen and you will NEVER just have time fall on your lap. You either plan it to happen or it never happens.

Your marriage can be saved if you are both willing to talk your problems out and focus on finding solutions—not just leverage in the war between the sexes. Your earnest desire as a couple to negotiate a compromise is all that stands between you and the marriage you want.

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Talk soon,

Matthew Coast

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Matthew Coast

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