Uh oh! You might have had sex with your guy crush a little too early. I always say, “Don’t sleep with him until he falls for you.”
But let’s face it, not every guy is going to say, “I’m in love with you, let’s make love!” No, guys are going to be just as guarded and cautious as you are.
But they ARE going to want to move things into the bedroom, and they’ll be doing that from day one. At some point, you’re going to feel an emotional connection and hopefully get back a signal from him, suggesting that he is emotionally attracted to you too—not just physical curiosity.
When that time comes and you reach that point of no return, ending the night with an amazing night in bed…
What happens next?
You KNOW he’s not in love with you yet. Yeah maybe there’s an emotional attachment or a “spark” but he’s not exactly on his knees with a proposal yet. Did you mess things up?
Absolutely not! Don’t think that way. While I do think sex on the first couple of dates is a bad idea, making him wait a few months and testing his patience is really all that matters. Because once he shows you he is up for the long-term relationship, and once that emotional connection happens, you still hold all the power.
Here are the next five steps in the progression of seducing a man’s mind.
1. Make the afterglow feel like a SAFE PLACE.
Don’t be weird, don’t be clingy or cutesy or try to imply anything about the future. The future is a big question mark and that’s just fine with you. All you care about in this moment is the wonderful experience you both had and how basking in the morning glow is a marvelous feeling. Let him become comfortable with you.
Don’t talk too much. Smile, give him just enough eye contact to make him feel proud and virile. But don’t stare too long. Let him talk. Ask more questions about who he is and what he likes.
And then, after a good hour or so of afterglow time (use your judgment on timing) LEAVE FIRST. Make sure he’s feeling good and wanting to talk more. And then politely inform him it’s time for you to go home. Say you have an appointment and then get out of their ASAP.
There’s no need to be bitter or cold. Warmth is good, but you don’t want to stay until things get awkward and he suggests you should leave. Leave first, always.
2. Appreciate the night you had, but accept that it’s over.
A lot of women make the mistake of playing hard to get right after sex. There’s no need to aggressively play mind games. Instead, be happy about what happened but ACCEPT that it’s over. He has made no commitment to you, and so you are single once again. He does NOT earn any friends with benefits privileges. That is not what you do.
3. Focus on staying sexy, keeping busy and being successful.
He needs to understand that your life is complete without him. You will continue to be successful in life (and don’t fake this part—always be real. Work towards self-improvement). You will continue to be busy, showing him that you are not available whenever he has the whim to see you. He really has to make plans to see you again. And lastly, let him know that you are still going to be sexy…for other men. You dress sexy and look incredible because that’s who you are. If he wants you again, he better start giving you the attention you deserve.
4. Reward him for effort and withdraw when he gives you no attention or the wrong kind of attention.
It’s important to understand the “chase” in a date. You are not pushing him away repeatedly, hoping he will chase you against all odds. Instead, you reward him and encourage him to chase you by acknowledging his behavior. You laugh when he tries to be funny. You give him your full attention when he shows up, wanting to talk. You give him the smile that warms his heart when he smiles first.
At the same time, however, you do not chase him. You don’t send him texts or calls without him first contacting you. You don’t imply things when you talk. You don’t hang around hoping he’ll notice you. None of that. He only gets attention when he earns it.
5. Teach him that more shared emotional experiences get more sexual attention.
He will be approaching you for more sex soon enough (especially if everything about the last encounter was positive). Now it’s time to show him that (A) you don’t give away free sex just because you like a guy—he has to earn it; and (B) the best way to earn it is to think EMOTIONAL, not just physical.
This means you get him to confide in you about his favorite things—his career, his hobbies, his family and outlook on life. You encourage him, subtle as always, to open up about who he is. This puts him in a vulnerable state of mind. He quickly learns that sex with you only comes at an emotional cost. The only way you’re turned on is if this affair is REAL and emotionally arousing. Bonding emotionally is what turns you on and his consistent performance – wanting to bond with you and share memories and feelings – is the best way to get you into bed.
I guarantee you shallow guys won’t stick around for this. (They’ll probably abandon ship at date 2 or 3) Meanwhile, he’s going to be falling in love realizing that he can talk to you openly and honestly in a way he’s never talked to anyone before.
The next time you have sex, you make it EVEN BETTER. You fulfill his fantasy. You explore his boundaries for sensual and erotic pleasure.
And then you confide in him about the things he’s curious about. Your life, your outlook, your hobbies, and passions. You show yourself vulnerable, just as he has already done. Emotional bonding then becomes deeper, even as the sex becomes so amazingly intimate and addictive. All the while he confides in you, you’re learning what he needs to be happy and you’re giving him the ideal wife he wants—and is basically telling you that he wants.
As you can see, sex doesn’t mean the “end” of a courtship. It’s the beginning. The beginning of the next phase, when you get him addicted to you, by becoming his ultimate sexual fantasy and his best friend who understands him at a much deeper level than everyone else.
Try these techniques and watch him fall head over heels in love with you!
10 Man-Melting Phrases That Make Him Yours
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You have to go discover The Love Frames…
Then just use them on ANY man in your life…
Maybe your boyfriend, husband or fiancée…
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You can thank me later!
Talk soon,
Matthew Coast
P.S. You’ll be the first thing he thinks about in the morning…
And the last thing he thinks about before going to bed…
I love all the helpful articals; I am a connoisseur of self-improving information. I read as much as i can being motivated by the desire to Not be the common denominator for why a relationship didn’t work.
I am happy in my life. Being a divorce woman for 11yrs, i feel like ive matured lots over these years. If i never find another relationship again, id be ok with that.
That being said, ive yet to read on advise with the roles reversed. Meaning, the man is doing all of the clinginess, the rushing to define things, the jealousy of time investment. How can i keep things casual while im still trying to learn about their true person.? Do i keep circle dating a private and personal matter, which is how i prefer to be. Im ashamed to admit that ive even ghosted a guy who got instantly attached.
My story it’s the same as yours.
Matthew..Has occurred to You that some women aren’t looking for a commitment with a guy after Sex but just a good friend… that’s all I want not in the Mood to babysit..just want a good friend & that would make Me very content & satisfy
It has occurred to me… but that’s not what this site is about. This site is about committed relationships (note: commitment connection). If you want something else, that’s fine. But that’s not what we’re talking on this site.
Wow Matt! How’d you figure all these things out? That’s really cool. I don’t see how you can keep all these things in order in your mind and so neat
I wish I could remember all this and how n when to use it. Your pretty awesome. I wish I could be that awesome
I play with my friend sexaulty and he plays with back I would like to the next level were I sleep with him over night I think it’s complicated because I think he’s got another girlfriend and on the bit on the side l feel flated that someone is giving me attention after the bad experiences I’ve had with other men
Hi Matthew:
I have watched a lot of your videos (many are just too long to watch, my time is limited) and you give good information. However, with this one, your points all seem logical of course, but what happens when a woman starts to sleep with a man, is she gets a HUGE hormone rush, like a drug that says BOND BOND BOND since in earlier times if she got pregnant and was not married, her life, (and the baby’s) could be in grave peril. Women still feel these powerful hormones even with the pill. In my opinion, that is the real reason women get clingy and insecure. It is almost impossible for us to stay “logical” like a man, when we are sexual. Our bodies are connected to our emotions. Our brains don’t compartmentalize easily like a man’s. That’s why abstaining from sex until you got a commitment was the traditional advice.
I agree Lynda.
As a Christian, I believe doing it the Biblical way covers all bases for men and women. No need for manipulation and games, the rules of attraction are inbuilt in doung things God’s way bu the Author and Creator oflife Himself.
I have been seeing this guy for 4 years , we only see each other maybe once a week, maybe 2 times a month , he ghost often when he says he is busy, He knows I love him and want more , I feel so heart broken, When we are together he makes me feel safe and happy, I see him happy as well, a couple of xmas ago he told me he wouldn’t want me if I was seeing anyone else , and he didn’t believe in friends with benefits, everytime we start getting closer he pulls back and ghost,
I use to go over there and in the morning when he would leave for work I would do all his laundry and clean the house for him , I get him gifts for his Birthday and other holidays, This year was the first time he gave me something for Christmas and my Birthday, since then I have hardly seen him and he rarely texted back , I was texting every morning Good morning, he use to text me back , the last couple of months he stopped, I asked him why he ignored my questions , so I followed your advice and stopped and only once in a while , I tried to have him do something for me he was responsive in the question of how , Then he told he would come do it for me , he never came , He just ignored my text , last weekend I told him I wanted to see him he replied not tonight he was tired and has slept, I said ok and I told him I still didn’t have it fixed, no reply,
I love him so and we have a lot in common,
We both love horses and guns, rodeo and Both love our families , I know I will never be first with him his daughters and grandchildren will, He has 2 daughters and 2 grandchildren, I have 5 children and 3 grandchildren,
Doormat was the 1st words that came to mind… ( I was that person ). Please stop doing anything for him including txting. Let him wonder what you’re doing for a change and don’t tell him what you’ve done until he asks and then give him the ‘Oh I’ve been busy’ routine like he gives you.
Your next step ask him if he knows of a reputable tradesman to fix what ever it was that was broken. He’s the one doing the friends with benefits hun only you see it as feeling loved and secure….Codependant!
Start doing stuff for yourself…empty that cupboard. .go for a bike ride/walk/drive/coffee n cake. Chat to people other than your friends and he will become a distant memory in no time. Next time he asks you out on a date and he will…Tell him your busy and pamper yourself indulgently…dress up put some music on and dance like nobody’s watching. I’ll give you two weeks and u’ll feel fab! xx
Great response!
I agree! Don’t be so available to him !make him wonder for a change! Make yourself busy doing things YOU enjoy!!
Not to be blunt, but this isn’t love (at least on his part). Your post has given every reason why you shouldn’t see him anymore. You are wasting your time while this uncommitted guy strings you along. He sees you so rarely, where is he getting his sex from? Love shouldn’t be so hard. If he truly loved you he’d want to be with you more. His job is to make you happy. He is not doing that. The very fact that you asked a favor from him and he didn’t do it, and wouldn’t answer your texts about it, is rude, especially when you are going to his house and doing laundry etc. I would stop all communication with him. Don’t go to his house and be his maid. Make him miss you. Don’t commit to this guy unless you want a miserable life.
Girl…sry but you need to ghost him and block him..focus that energy on yourself..no dick is worth your self worth plenty of men who wish they had a good woman and always remember..no gentleman will buy the “cow” if she is giving out the milk for free…
First of all it’s not fair t o tell you not to see anyone else when clearly he is.
Ghosting you is hurtful and disrespectful !! Cut the ties on this player! He does not deserve you! You deserve so much better!!
I also need the same help
What if things never change
In two words, MOVE ON.
Thanks was so helpful
It’s been decades since I dated or had a partner . I’m finally ready to get back on the horse but a little rusty the advice is greatly appreciated from your columns
Hi i was seeing this guy he was married we were messing around for about 4 months it was basically a sex thing that’s all i found myself catching feelings for him.when we first got together i saw him alot now he is always busy so i have stepped off i do not text him anymore
Hi uour program does not work I’m my relationship. So I would like to stop and would like My money back since I’ve asked you this in the past ..thank you but don’t want this anymore. Tina Fernandez thanks
I liked the article , how does a woman besides one of those points you made break off a potential relationship , if you found your self afterward realizing the guy is not what you thought after you slept with him , and want to break it off , tactfully ? How does one go about this ?
Great topic! Very relevant. I’ll try not to do it again. ☺ However I have to say I’ve had some great long term relationships in the past despite hitting the bedroom too soon, and then some others I’d rather just forget about, or they’ve forgotten me. Will definitely look at purchasing your Love Frames, because I really do want a long term committed relationship and need some advice on how to slow things down, but keep him interested. Thanks, Bek