How Can I Get My Ex Boyfriend Back?

Who came up with the whole idea of begging to get your ex back, anyway?

It seems like a strange thing to do, at least from a scientific point of view. In the animal kingdom for example, begging is not really common at all. Usually the male courts the attention of the female. They mate, and they either stay together for life or they separate and move on.

Who came up with the whole idea of begging to get your ex back, anyway?  

Begging – It Has Nothing to Do with Romance

It seems like a strange thing to do, at least from a scientific point of view.  In the animal kingdom for example, begging is not really that common in a breeding context.  Usually the male courts the attention of the female. They mate, and they either stay together for life or they separate and move on.

There is some observed behavior of begging in the animal kingdom, but it’s usually in the context of pack behavior and soliciting food.  Some wolves and dogs display “begging” behavior but it’s when they make new friends or when they show submission towards the “alpha female” and nurse from her.  Simply put, begging for sex, romance and companionship is a human thing…and it’s not really that effective either.

Where exactly did humans get the idea of “begging” for a second chance, or pleading, or guilting, or manipulating their way back into a relationship that one partner has rejected?

Well this isn’t exactly a history lesson, but we can assume that the act of begging comes from economic necessity.  As in, destitute and dying people begging for change – their lives, their bodies, literally wasting away. One act of kindness can keep them alive.

So where exactly did humans get the idea of “begging” for a second chance, or pleading, or guilting, or manipulating their way back into a relationship that one partner has rejected?

Well this isn’t exactly a history lesson, but we can assume that the act of begging comes from economic necessity. As in, destitute people begging for change – their lives, their bodies, literally wasting away. One act of kindness can keep them alive.

Some are caught in bad circumstances, others are mentally ill. They have no choice but to beg because they’re starving.

Of course, most of us would feel bad and donate what we can if we saw such a thing.

But when you think about it, this behavior really has nothing to do with relationships.

Relationships are about quid pro quo, about both partners giving each other pleasure, protection, and proper care. There’s really no need to “beg” in a relationship that’s healthy and successful. You’re both there because you provide for each other’s needs. You support each other. You don’t even keep track of “favors” because you’re constantly helping each other, treating your partner as your own body.

It gives you pleasure to provide for your mate, just as he enjoys providing for you.

Correcting the Imbalance

Now here’s where the problem comes in. When there is an IMBALANCE, and the relationship deteriorates from a 50/50 mutually beneficial union, that’s when there’s a need to beg, plead and guilt one’s partner into staying.

The relationship is not about mutual pleasure at this point, it’s about survival. If you’re the one begging, persuading, pressuring him to stay with you, then you’re the one who can’t live without him.

This illustrates a very dangerous frame of mind to be in. Complete dependency.

It’s not healthy. It’s not even natural behavior. A person’s instincts should protect them from a threat – like an angry lover, or a very unhappy spouse. Begging to stay together, at the expense of one’s own health and happiness, is not normal thinking. It’s not healthy behavior.

And if that’s what your instincts are telling you right now, that you’ll do ANYTHING to keep him, that’s the ROOT CAUSE of your unhappiness, not the relationship itself. The sooner you repair the emotional damage, the sooner you can repair the relationship.

Let’s discuss five simple steps to getting your boyfriend back that don’t involve begging, pleading or sacrificing your dignity.

1. Allow your ex his space, privacy and independence.

If he wants to leave, then let him. It’s not only the dignified response, it’s you giving him what he wants. He can’t resent you for allowing him the freedom that he desires. This means that if he chooses to leave you, you’re not going to chase him and you’re not going to constantly call or text him, hoping to get his attention. You must allow him independence and start a NO CONTACT policy for a significant period of time.

This is as much for his benefit as it is for yours. You must break yourself of this addiction to pleasing him at the expense of your own happiness. Show discipline and control over your emotions. It may hurt, but it’s what he requests and if you love him you must let him go.

2. Focus on becoming independent again.

Whether this is materially or emotionally, it’s very important you regain your sense of self-identity and independence before you attempt to get back together with him. If you’ve been latching onto a man that doesn’t want you, then your level of self-esteem is very low. Repair that first so that you can approach him later on with the proper confidence and the right “sense of value” (i.e. knowing what you’re worth). This is the attractive energy he wants to see from you.

3. Create a new lifestyle. Get rid of the old patterns that brought you down. This gives you natural confidence and a new zest for life.

If you want to attract your ex’s attention then focus on creating an attractive lifestyle and living that new life. This instinctively appeals to him, far more than trying to pressure him to feel something.

You can create a new lifestyle by focusing on your career, volunteer work, new hobbies, making new friends, and taking fun vacations on your own. Remember that changing your environment forces a change in your perspective.

It helps you to understand what really matters and what makes you attractive in the eyes of men. This is your period of “redefining” your character, your values and your goals in life. You must do this independently of HIM, because he doesn’t want a slave or a fan. He will love you because of who you are and the person you want to be.

He will not love you because you’re trying so hard to adapt your life to him.

The worst mistake you can make is approaching your ex in the same spirit as he left you – needing his approval, begging for attention, and living a disheveled and frantic life of misery. He needs to see evidence of positive change before he will feel attraction again.

4. Reflect on the former relationship – what went wrong and what went right?

Determine what first attracted him to you – these are your prime qualities, what you can use to get his attention when you renew your friendship.

You can also reflect on the reasons why the old relationship failed. Did you both get complacent? Were your goals in life different? What mistakes did you both make and how would you avoid them in the future?

Rather than acting emotionally, trying to make your ex FEEL something, focus more on the logical side of things, since this is how most men think. What does he want from you? What does he want from a new lover? What qualities will attract him? You know him better than anyone and can use this knowledge to your advantage.

5. When you’re ready, make contact…with a new mantra in your mind: He wants you. Make him chase you.

Remember that guys only know they’re in love when they’re putting effort into the relationship. Chasing you proves to him that what he feels is real – it’s not all one sided, coming from you. He wants this just as much as you do.

The harder he works for your attention, the more attractive you become to him. Attraction is what gets back your ex. Find your true feminine energy and rebuild your relationship!  

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About The Author

Matthew Coast

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