Blowing Hot and Cold Psychology – How to Deal with a Hot and Cold Man

I’ve some women who ask me about the dangers of dating “players”. And they ask me questions like, “How do I avoid falling for their lies?” or “resist their mind control” and “How can I resist falling for the act” and stuff like that.

There seems to be an almost sensational fear of getting mixed up with a player, as if he’s an evil Machiavellian genius.

Well let me put your mind at ease. Most “players” are not that smart. They’re not evil geniuses and they’re not masterminds of seduction. Even the narcissistic and dangerous ones are not that hard to spot if you’re paying attention to the signs.

They pretty much have one trick going for them. Be funny, be confident and try to be as much of a dick as you can, without upsetting the girl you’re dating.

That’s it. Not much more to it. So my advice has always been if you don’t want to date a player (who’s very easy to spot) then don’t go out with them. Don’t get together with them and think you can change them. Don’t laugh and drink with them and make the mistake of sleeping with them too soon. Same advice I give to any woman who’s looking for a serious relationship.

So let’s review some more details about WHY women find players attractive in the first place and see if we can analyze how to better deal with these guys, knowing what their strategy is.

What’s the Strategy?

One of the most obvious signs that you’re dating a player is if he’s doing the old “hot and cold” routine. One minute he’s very into you, very charming and attentive, and the next minute he becomes distant, surly and maybe even a little rude.

The strategy works because it’s part of a formula. Lots of “hot” attention or love-bombing in the beginning and then a sudden and abrupt STOP.

Now that all the attention is gone, you’re left wondering what you did wrong. So now your desire to talk to him has increased dramatically, even to the point of obsession, IF you don’t understand what he’s doing and why.

And…then the cycle repeats itself until, he figures, you sleep with him.

Like I said, not an evil genius. Kind of just a really simple technique that works on some women.

So now that you understand the cycle, let’s discuss two ways to respond: (1) I’m not interested in a player or (2) I’m interested in the guy but don’t want to get hurt!

1: “I’m not interested.”

Some women are completely uninterested in players because all they do is “play” – they play mind games and want sex. Nothing about their flirting style is real and so they’re not serious long-term relationship material.

So if you’re not interested in what these guys provide (which is sex and mind games) DON’T fall for the cycle. Yes, of course you’re going to like the guy because he will do everything he can to entertain you, impress you and make good conversation. But you know how this is going to end.

So one night stand, fine…but serious relationship? Nah, never going to go anywhere because you can’t change a man from what he is or what he wants in a relationship.

And players don’t want commitment. If they did, they wouldn’t be “playing.”

Now the complicated part comes with option (2) where you really do like him but you know he’s playing you, since he’s doing the Hot and Cold thing.

2: “I like him but I don’t want to get hurt!”

If your desire is to “change” a player and make him fall in love with you and to turn him into a good boy, then I just can’t give you any specific encouragement. I really think the whole concept of “changing a man” is flawed.

However, if you actually do love him despite his flaws, or if you’ve bonded with him in a special way that’s beyond the superficial, (more on that in a moment) then I can help you.

The strategy is to:

A. Don’t give him the negative reaction he wants. Challenge him, by ignoring his “cold phase.” Essentially, you play cold with him when he plays cold with you. You don’t try to fix things. You don’t beg for his attention. And you don’t care, when you sense that he doesn’t care.
B. Do NOT under any circumstances sleep with him, even if it feels right. Because that’s the only leverage he will have on you when it happens. If you resist sleeping with him, he can’t keep doing the same hot and cold cycle because he will soon learn that his cold behavior only brings cold, non-flirty behavior from you too.
C. Reward him slightly for the “hot” phase, the good attention that he gives you. But once again, don’t sleep with him. In essence, you’re training him to be always hot and always attentive.
D. Reward him a LOT when he is actually trying to be real and honest with you. Reward him, when he makes a genuine effort to communicate with you about who he is and what he really wants.

Your system of reward and non-reaction is the best defense against a player. You teach him that hot attention works, cold attention never works, but HONEST and REAL attention is what makes you really feel attracted to him.

I don’t think all players are bad men or narcissistic. They are just men who are too afraid of commitment and who are moving at a very slow pace when it comes to real intimacy.

They can change…but only when it’s their idea. You can’t cure them of their baggage, you can’t make them love you. They will only grow up and move on when they are ready to do so.

They will eventually realize that a long-term relationship is built on honesty, intimacy, and empathy. That’s when they will try to be real and try to meet a high-value woman they really can fall in love with. So the best thing to do is to determine if your hot and cold guy just wants sex (meaning he’s not ready to change) or if he’s really at that point where he could open his heart.

The key is not sleeping with him until he falls in love with you. We talk about that in some other articles on this site, so look those up if you get a spare moment. In the meantime just remember, Hot = Hot and Cold = Cold. You now know enough to play their game and win in.

About The Author

Matthew Coast

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