It almost seems like a stereotype – the charming extrovert who does so well in dating. Yet, when things start to get serious, they tap out. They give up and run the other way. Some people call them players or womanizers. Some people feel sorry for them, saying they have commitment issues or the infamous “fear of intimacy.”
But it’s not just a thing with guys. Women can also have a fear of intimacy and can get along very well with guys on the first few dates.
Maybe a woman knows how to be a great date and have fun. Maybe she’s even great in bed or being friends with benefits. But when things get serious then a sudden change happens.
She’s no longer going full speed ahead. She backs away or at least something changes in the dynamic. The guy might even feel confused as to what happened.
Does this sound like you or maybe a friend in a similar situation?
Part of making peace with a fear of intimacy is understanding where it comes from, why it develops, and how and if you ever want to break out of that rut. Let’s discuss what fear of intimacy feels like and seven signs you might have that fear.
What is a Fear of Intimacy?
A fear of intimacy is actually more complex than many people realize. For one thing there are different facets to intimacy, including intellectual, emotional, sexual, and experiential. We can’t all be intimate, especially with people who we don’t connect with or understand all that well.
There is also the fear of being vulnerable, which is a slightly different thing than having a fear of intimacy. This is precisely why a person may have no problem flirting and being mindlessly romantic, but still never trust anyone enough to confide in them. They prefer being in control and entertaining people – but never vulnerable. Nothing too real.
Fear of intimacy can develop for many reasons, such as complicated family situations, emotional neglect, trauma, illness, and abuse.
While there are a number of ways to discuss and treat a fear of intimacy, the signs that you do have this unhealthy fear are largely the same. Here are five signs that you’re avoiding what you want the most.
Signs of a Fear of Intimacy
1. You are waiting for an unrealistic “perfect partner” to marry.
Why settle for disappointment when you can create arbitrary and hyper-real standards that no man could ever live up to? While it’s good practice to create these standards and look for them, exaggerating a man’s must-have accomplishments (whether it’s fame, fortune, or perfection in personality) is just another way of avoiding a real relationship.
Real relationships are never perfect. You have to learn how to compromise and avoid “perfection”, which is quite a stressful way to live your life.
2. You seem to have a different personality for all your friends.
If you seem to be a different personality around all of your friends and family members, then it’s likely you’ve spent too much time learning other people and not enough time being yourself. Learning other people is a great way to make friends. But at the end of the day, are you really being yourself? Can you express yourself honestly and naturally? Or are you trying to be the person they want you to be?
Which leads to the next point…
3. You are a serial dater.
Once again, it’s easier to morph into your date’s personality and mimic their personality than it is to be yourself and be honest about what you want. Learning other people leads to a good time. And rarely does it turn into anything serious. You haven’t really revealed anything about yourself. Sex is easy and emotional investment is minimal, if anything.
Players have this problem frequently. They take on a facade of who they think they should be, or who their date wants them to be. But they never communicate honestly. Sex is just one area of intimacy and it’s very possible to be avoidant and desperately lonely in all other areas, even while being a sexual wildcat.
4. You don’t really know what your needs are.
It’s not just that you can’t meet someone you like – you literally don’t know what you need, what you want, or even what makes you happy in a relationship. If you’ve never stopped to consider your own needs, then you’re dating while blindfolded.
You’re depending on the other person to define your happiness. You let them figure out your needs, rather than you thinking them through. You’re letting them decide who you should be and that’s a recipe for disaster.
5. You sabotage your own good relationships.
Very often in life, a person afraid of intimacy, will make a personal breakthrough and figure out what they want. But a short time later, they will lose everything and wonder why it happened.
The problem is usually that they didn’t follow through on their personal breakthrough moment and just followed the same destructive dating patterns.
Instead of developing goals that compliment their journey of self-discovery, they go after someone OPPOSITE of what they just said they wanted. They let emotion dictate their action rather than logic. They say one thing but subconsciously do the exact same thing as always.
That’s why it’s important not to just talk through it, but to make goals, and stick to those goals, rather than doing what is comfortable or familiar.
In closing, remember that a fear of intimacy is a choice each person makes. If only people would stop “hating” a person (or an ex) who doesn’t want to settle down and realize that there’s a lot of grief behind these shallow dating patterns.
Because in the end, a person who runs away from intimacy, from love and a real relationship, is only cheating themselves. They’re rarely ever happy and seek comfort in the arms of a stranger rather than someone they can learn to trust, love, and cherish.
Remember that behind the fear of commitment is a fear of getting hurt. That is why a happily ever after ending is always a choice. Choosing to trust someone and putting forth a sincere effort to make things work is a choice and if you want happiness you can always find it.
The 5 Word Phrase That Destroys a Man’s Love For You And Drives Him Out Of Your Life
There’s a simple 5 word phrase that will destroy any man’s love for you and drive him out of your life completely…
It usually comes out as an honest question when you want to connect with him…
But only serves to push him away and slowly kill your relationship from the inside out…
It can take a man who is filled with love and passion for you…
And make him feel cold, distant, and uninterested…
Have you figured out what it is yet?
Many women send this as a text message when they’re feeling insecure…
And then are confused why he suddenly pulls away and disappears completely…
Most of the women who ask it don’t even know how harmful it is…
Yet it can take a relationship that seems like it’s perfect…
A relationship where you feel loved, cared for, and like you’ve finally found “the one”…
And overnight, it can tear that relationship apart…
Leaving you confused, frustrated, and heartbroken…
If you don’t know what this simple yet seemingly innocent question is…
I want you to stop what you’re doing and go watch this video presentation that I put together for you at the link below…
Click here to watch the video now <<
My name is Matthew Coast and I’ve been teaching in the dating industry on since 2005…
I’ve helped hundreds of thousands of women, all over the world…
Get into relationships where they feel loved, seen, and cherished by the men they’re with…
When you click the link this link right here <<
I show you what this 5 word phrase is…
I’ll teach you about why men pull away, how to stop it from happening…
And how to attract the man you want…
Into a relationship where you’re loved and adored and treated like a priority…
No matter how painful things have been in your past…
You can attract a great man and have a great relationship…
Just click the link on your screen and the watch the video right now…
If you’re struggling with men pulling away from you…
If you’re tired of giving everything to a relationship and only being taken for granted…
And if you’re ready to have a man see you as a woman that he wants to be with forever…
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