Why Do Men Become Distant When They Fall In Love

It’s the oldest excuse in the book…

“Oh, it’s not that I don’t have feelings for you. I do. It’s just that sometimes I feel like I might love you too much. And I can’t handle that…I have to leave you!”

Say what? Is this even a real thing or is it just a guy coming up with a lame excuse to break up with you and start seeing other people?

Is it even true that men are afraid of loving too much—and in fact, so afraid of commitment, that they actually back away from the woman they love?

Well it is POSSIBLE, but whether it’s true in every case is a different story. Men may use a lame excuse to exit from a relationship, or they might be legitimately messed up in the heart and carrying excess baggage.

If he really is unable to cope with a woman who genuinely loves him, then he will become distant. The question is, can you tell the difference between “loving you too much” distance and just “not interested” distance? Here are some ways to determine which it is and why men fall in love and then become distant as a protection.

1. He’s not afraid of loving you more…he’s afraid of losing his freedom.

A man may be head over heels in love with you, but he’s always going to be attached to his freedom and his independent spirit. Not only because he loves the feeling of being free, but also because you were more attracted to the single and independent version of him back when you first met. He misses the initial attraction you had together, which was based on him being FREE.

Is it any wonder then that he fears losing his independence, and perhaps even his entire attraction to you, which was based on him speaking his mind honestly and trying to impress you? This is why if you sense he is backing off because of the fear of “changing” or “losing his youth”, the best thing to do is show him that you LIKE him being independent, free and uncontrollable. Encourage his independence and if he wants alone time, give him all needs. After all, you’re an independent person too.

2. He’s worried about your possibly incompatible lifestyles…which means he actually cares so much about you, he’s willing to let you go and be happy.

Hey, incompatible lifestyles are actually a BIG DEAL. If he senses that there’s going to be some arguing later on, or major personality conflicts, or even difficult living situations, give him a little credit. He’s thinking of you now and he’s thinking about the happiness of “future you.” He doesn’t want to promise something that he can’t keep. The best thing to do in this scenario is to discuss your differences and maturely and see what sacrifices you can both realistically make. Since he fears disappointing you, the best response is to show him what you realistically expect from this relationship. You both want to make each other happy and that’s a good sign for a never-ending love affair.

3. He isn’t happy with himself. He has no idea who he is. He is strongly attracted to you but doesn’t want to promise his love if he changes.

Men who don’t know who they are can be volatile with relationships. They don’t like their life, career, friends and social network, because they feel these are all lies. So even though he may be attracted to you, even in love with you for the way you treasure his mind, he is afraid to commit to you. He thinks he might change soon, or wants to change, and so his personality falling in love with you is dishonest. It’s imperative to give him independence so that he can discover who he really is. You must love him enough to let him go and find himself. If you are supportive of him, he will remember you either as one of his closest friends…or perhaps someday, as a lover and husband who he trusts above all others.

4. He has no idea how to process all these conflicting emotions. He needs help reconciling…but that help isn’t going to come from you.

A man who is in love with you, but is also emotionally damaged, can be dangerous. He is feeling confused and afraid. Unfortunately people who are confused can lash out in impulsive and sometimes abusive ways. You don’t want your relationship to be characterized by hot / cold explosive emotion. The better thing to do is to GIVE HIM SPACE and stop trying to force him to feel something for you. It’s not ethical to manipulate a man into loving you. It’s also not going to do you any favors, especially if he realizes some day that you pushed him into this relationship. Be patient. Give him more independence and have faith in him that if there is true love between you, he will come back to you.

Remember that the point is, when a man distances himself he is asking for independence, he is asking for time. It may well be a test or it may be a move of desperation. He needs time to think and to understand what he feels for you. The only way to respond is to give him the respect of cooperating. Let him go be by himself and figure out whatever he needs to do so he can be happy.

Trying to control him, comfort him, confront him, or even “talk the problem out” is the exact opposite of what he wants right now. If he senses that you’re chasing after him, not only is it a turn off, but he might also feel as if you’re manipulating him. Guys hate that. Whatever they decide to do has to be their choice.

And always remember, you don’t want to manipulate a man into staying with you. A strong, independent woman only wants a man who’s determined to chase her. Give him time and wait for him to come back to you, eager to win you over again. This is, ultimately, the only attitude he respects.

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Talk soon,

Matthew Coast

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About The Author

Matthew Coast

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  • Sue

    Reply Reply December 17, 2017

    Hi, Matthew, I found your article quite interesting. I’ve got myself caught up in a situation where I got in contact with someone I used to know in my teens, we’re now both in our early sixties. The problem is we were only supposed to be friends, but he wanted to meet up so I agreed, things were going fine until we took a stroll in the park, and then he kissed me and things got a bit hot after that. But I think he felt confused because he’s married, and I had just split up with my partner. But we met up again, and things felt awkward, but this time I kissed him and he didn’t pull away, but he said he wanted a break and would contact me in a couple of months, I am really confused! There was a bit more to it, he also told me that things weren’t that good at home, and he’s been honest with me so far.

  • Nicole

    Reply Reply December 18, 2017

    This is good stuff, Matthew. Thanks for your insight. Seems like the overall message is: if a man needs space, give it to him!

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