Things Narcissists Don’t Want You to Know

Some of the most difficult people you’ll ever meet will have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), which refers to a long-term pattern of self-importance, a grandiose desire to be loved by everyone, and a lack of empathy for other people. Notice that NPD has very specific symptoms, as opposed to general “egotism”, which of course, a lot of men and women seem to struggle with.

While it’s true that many people are self-involved these days, narcissism is really a full blown personality disorder that goes beyond annoying, boring or frustrated. It’s downright intolerable. Some women wouldn’t hesitate to call narcissistic old boyfriends “evil”, “sadistic” and just plain “rotten.”

So yeah the song “You’re So Vain” is a great song…but believe me, if you get involved with a narcissist you won’t be writing songs about the experience. It will be some of the worst months of your life.

In this article we’re going to discuss five “secrets” of narcissists that are not often discussed, and certainly NOT what the narcissist himself wants to talk about. In revealing some of these private things, I hope to explain more about what narcissism is and why it’s dangerous in a relationship that’s supposed to be built on trust.

What does the narcissist NOT want you to know? In short, they’re scared to death of being honest about themselves.

1. A narcissist doesn’t want you to know what he really is.

Remember that unlike sociopathic (or Antisocial Personality Disorder) narcissism is characterized by an obsessive need for love. (APD is characterized by a desire to dominate, survive, and prosper, regardless of others)

He wants to be loved by everybody, and wants love instantly, the kind that requires no special effort. So a narcissist might not mind if you “joke” about his egotism. He might even forgive you if you mention that he can be self-absorbed or “narcissistic” sometimes – you know, as in the Narcissus from Greek Mythology.

But if you ever confront him with the TRUTH of his NPD, and the fact that he needs help, he will turn on you furiously. Narcissists refuse to admit they have a problem. Since they consider themselves special and superior to others, they can’t fathom the idea that they actually make other people miserable.

A narcissistic man will turn on you viciously if he feels threatened by you – and knowing of his “secret” is a threat. The narcissist wants to be dominant and wants to achieve his aims. Once he senses that you have turned on him, he will “punish” you repeatedly until you love him again.

2. A narcissist doesn’t want you to know he can change.

A common misconception is that narcissists can’t change. While it’s true that there is no cure for their personality disorder, they CAN actually take steps to correct their damaging behaviors. According to one expert, simply requires the person admitting they were wrong and submitting to constructive therapy.

The problem is, a narcissist is UNWILLING to change. This would require admitting he’s wrong and admitting he needs help – the last thing most narcissistic guys want! While it’s not impossible that he’ll turn over a new leaf, it’s pretty damn unlikely.

Narcissists are ultimately motivated by selfish desires – the need to be loved by many, and the need to win at any cost.

If the worst comes to worst, and the narcissist actually admits what he is, then guess what? He STILL doesn’t want you to know that he can change if he really wanted to. That’s surrendering power, that’s taking responsibility for his mistakes. That’s usually the “last thing” on his to do list, since he lacks empathy for you.

3. A narcissist doesn’t want you to know he lies. Lying is one of his best weapons when it comes to avoiding responsibility.

Narcissists are so motivated to win and to dominate the relationship, they will lie their way out of anything. One of the best lies they tell is known as gaslighting. This basically means he will make you feel crazy, by distorting your memories and your whole perception of reality.

If he can convince you that you’re in the wrong, he gets to be right. Call him on his gaslighting and he will explode with anger.

4. A narcissist wants you to love him…not recognize his love bombing behavior.

Narcissists want your emotion to be genuine – and “sincerity” is everything to them. Ironic, since narcissists don’t actually have much empathy for others and actually experience only very shallow emotions.

But if you call them on the love bomb, he will take offense and not want to hear it. Love bombing refers to the early dating stage where he escalates romantic behavior, hoping to sweep you off your feet. Even though it feels good to have a man seem so head over in heels in love with you, logically speaking love bombing is irrational.

It happens quickly, it’s self-involved (it’s mainly about him showing off his romantic side) and it’s based on manipulation, not true compatibility. You haven’t bonded, you haven’t “learned” each other. Everything is based on sexual attraction and the instant emotional connection he feels with you.

As soon as sex happens, or as the relationship progresses, he gets bored. He disregards you. He moves onto something else and resents you for trying to hold him back.

Survive the love bomb and you’ve avoided one of his best weapons.

5. Narcissists are probably not born that way. They come from a messed up childhood.

Much like APD, NPD is shaped by an erratic childhood. At the heart of a narcissist is a fragile ego and insecurity – he masks it by being abusive to people who threaten him.

The theory is that while genetics may influence the disorder, the main component is denying a child unconditional love. The parent(s) don’t feel comfortable with emotional love. What they do is over-praise and under-discipline the child. This starts the child on a path to believing they’re special, destined for greatness, and of course, always seeking approval from others.

Narcissists will never be comfortable discussing their past, especially their childhood. They don’t want to confront these scars and would rather think of their “idealized” or even delusional childhood memories.

A narcissist doesn’t want you to see the chinks in his armor. Remember that they can be very charming and persuasive. Now that you know their secrets, you can avoid them and focus on falling in love the right way – no bombing required!

About The Author

Matthew Coast

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