Maybe you remember the very first time as a child you were exposed to the concept of a “cheating parent.” It’s certainly nothing our parents ever talked about openly in front of their kids—even though it’s safe to say every couple has probably felt “tempted” at some time in the past.
I remember watching episodes of The Jerry Springer Show in the 1990s and hearing scandalous stories about people cheating on each other, or cheating with the best friend’s husband, or with their stepdaughter, or whatever bizarre headline Jerry could come up with.
Growing up, you sometimes get the feeling that’s what “crazy people” do. Certainly, nothing like that ever happens close to home.
At some point, however, you learn that cheating is not all as simple as they make it sound like. Concepts of “once a cheater always a cheater” and “if you loved me you would never cheat on me!” are challenged with varying degrees of problems, more complex emotions, and dare I say, even flaws and disorders that prevent people from being their “best.”
Cheating is a moment of weakness, a flaw that may or may not be forgivable in your own case. Our gut reaction says that cheating is fundamentally wrong, a betrayal, one that signifies the end of a relationship. Whether that’s true or not is an individual’s decision. But it’s best to consider the intellectual argument of what is cheating actually is, and why it happens, before making an emotional choice.
Is Cheating More Complex Than Just Self-Control?
Psychology Today had an interesting breakdown of eight primal reasons why people cheat. Summarizing they included reasons such as:
• Lack of sexual satisfaction
• A desire for more partners
• Lack of emotional connection
• Desiring emotional validation
• Falling out of love
• Falling for someone else
• Seeking revenge
• And curiosity
Interestingly, a study quoted in Journal of Family Issues stated that people who are chronic cheaters may have grown up conditioned to think that cheating was okay, or that it was a mistake that everybody makes and so it’s always forgivable.
On the opposite end of the intellectual argument, you hear theories about cheaters being born with certain genes prone to cheating.
The real question is do you know anyone who has never cheated and has had a strong, lasting marriage? I’d be confident to bet that YES, you probably do know a few couples that don’t seem to be tempted, aren’t hiding mistresses, and aren’t cruising Tinder looking for opportunities.
Why so? What makes those people different from people who are cheating, or at least constantly being tempted to cheat?
There is Only One Reason!
I think the answer is simple. No, the reasons why people cheat are very complex, of course. But there’s only one thing all the people who don’t cheat have in common. They are committed to the relationship and to each other.
They don’t cheat because they’re decided in their heart that they love each other too much to want to cause pain, risk losing the relationship they worked so hard to get or disappoint their partner.
They stay faithful because they decide to stay faithful. They honor the commitment they made because the person they fell in love with, their partner, still exists. Couples like these don’t see cheating as a solution to any problem. Temptations are non-existent because neither partner is looking for a temptation.
Much of the temptation in the world around us is designed to appeal to people who want to cheat and are looking for opportunities to cheat. It’s not necessarily that social media and anonymous chat apps are making the cheating process easier…they’re just appealing to people who have already made a decision in their minds. That they want something more than what they have.
The root cause of the problem is that there are many couples who “settle” rather than keep looking for the right one, a true “match.” You don’t settle for a man that you like, but don’t love. Because that will always leave you wanting more. You wait for someone that you respect, someone as wise about relationships as you are. A good provider, a good man that understands you and makes an effort to impress you and chase you.
The real problem with cheating is that many, maybe even most, couples today say “I will commit to you* (as long as nobody better comes along).
But the answer to marital happiness comes when you say to yourself, “No one better is coming along because I’m not LOOKING for anyone better. This is my best match, this is the man who really makes me feel loved, safe, special and secure. He brings out the best in me.”
When you meet someone like that you’re not in need of emotional validation from someone else. You’re not in need of sexual fulfillment from someone else because your man will work harder to please you, if you let him know what you want.
You could say the word commitment is misunderstood these days. It’s not a binding agreement, it’s not a ritual or a romantic gesture. It’s not even a promise.
It’s an active and ongoing dedication from both partners that they will try harder to make the relationship work. That they ARE happy and so are not looking to cheat.
Marriage is a choice, a union that both partners will work hard to preserve. Not because of obligation or promise, but because they both genuinely love each other and want to stay together. They commit to the choice they make because ultimately their relationship, as is, is what makes them happy.
To Commit or Not to Commit?
The #1 reason people cheat is because they are not committed in heart. When you are happy, your natural instincts are not to cheat. Rather, you work things out with your partner. When he needs space you give him space. When you argue, you still leave the room respecting each other just the same.
Couples that cheat, or even one person in the relationship that cheats, doesn’t love enough. They have not reached that point where they want to give 100 percent to make the relationship stronger. Maybe they have love, generally speaking, but they’re not in love.
Because people who are in love each other don’t look for reasons to cheat. They don’t consider cheating as any sort of cure for the problems they’re enduring. If anything, cheating brings on more problems!
They don’t cheat because they’re really just having too much fun.
This 1 Mistake Makes Him Lose His Desire to Commit
If you’re in a casual, friend with benefits, “situationship” with a guy that you have feelings for but he doesn’t feel the same way or he won’t commit to you…
If you’re sitting around waiting for a man to commit to you and questioning whether you should walk away or give him more time…
If you’re single and you feel like all the men you meet just want sex, don’t put in any effort, or are all talk and no action…
If you’re tired of all the games, putting in all the effort while getting nothing back, and men who are confused or not sure what they really want…
Make sure you NEVER press his “commitment phobia button” or else he’ll feel like you’re the WRONG woman for him.
He’ll begin to feel unsure, confused, and avoid the topic altogether.
Talk soon,
Matthew Coast
P.S. If a man IS commitment-phobic, your best chance of making him crave a commitment with you is to use something I call, “The Power Phrase.”
Many times, this is EXACTLY what he needs to hear to commit.
I was in a relationship for a long time and it was just something I settled into. It was pretty bad over half the time but, I didn’t cheat. I just don’t cheat. So the #1 Reason is that being a cheater is something you just decide to be.
Yes I do agree, also I think sometimes when a person has someone that is nice and sometime naive, and not knowledgeable of certain things that is going on in the world they take advantage of that, that was my situation. I’m just saying.
So Pat, you cheated and just because your significant other wasnt aware of it, did it make it easier to cheat, and did you get away with it?
That’s a Choice..
Nobody holds a Gun on your Head to make them cheat on there Partner.
Everyone knows Cheating is wrong, They think the Grass is Greener on the other Side. “Wrong ” You can loose everything you claim you love.! What if the it was turned around and they cheated on you For what ever stupid Reason People Cheat! Think 99. You wouldn’t like it either. So don’t doing it. It’s not worth it in My Opinion.
She told me she wouldn’t cheat. Then a found out she did 2 years after it happened.
Cheating is a choice, it does not just happen. I get not being happy in a relationship but, if that is the case get out, then look for someone new. There is never a reason to cheat other than… you want to!
Men tell fibs to fantasize their needs.
Is cheating on social media call cheating? Even tho they didn’t meet,touch… Only talking n prob exchanging fotos..PLEASE HELP I FEEL HELPLESS
Yes it’s still cheating even though your not touching them as your still talking to them as that person knows your in a relationship
I definitely think it’s cheating because it’s worse it’s like emotionally cheating. It’s still a betrayal in my opinion. Anyway.
Yes it’s still cheating it’s called emotional cheating.
Yes, cheating on the social media is cheating — mental or moral cheating, the cheater not having the grit or the occasion or both to execute what is in his/her heart. You may bump into someone inadvertantly and all parts of your anatomy would touch in all wrong places with whom you banged into, but would you feel to have cheated? No, because you had no intent to cheat. But chatting on the social media with or without exchanging photos — ordinary, or partially or fully in the nude — with the desire/ fantasy to have a sexual encounter with the person or even simply to flirt with the him/her without ever meaning to take the banter to actual sexual congress would tantamount to cheating. Its just like you having a great desire to be charitable and help a needy person, but not being able to do so for some compelling reason — you would still have helped in the eyes of God. But hell has not broken loose by your mental cheating. Admit to yourself that you have cheated and never cheat again. Carry on with your spouse/partner as if nothing has happened. Be totally free of guilt. Cheers.
Couples need to communicate their feelings and desires. If you feel you need more validation thru sex, say it. Sometimes people get so busy with work and life – this conversation gets sweept under the rug. Stay close and talk, you have nothing to lose.
It’s in the bible.to even thing or dwell on another ,other then your spouse is cheating.
A person in a consensual, committed, exclusive relationship is obligated to be faithful on every level. If boredom, curiosity, temptations, revenge etc. are pushing you to be unfaithful then you owe it to your partner to be honest. If you ever truly respected, loved and cared for them, don’t cause them pain and humiliation by cheating. Have THAT conversation! Be an adult. Maybe they feel the same about you, or maybe they simply weren’t aware of the issues. Maybe you both agree to end the relationship because it cannot evolve into anything more, but you part in a loving and healthy way. Maybe after opening up, you both remember what pulled you together in the first place and find that fire again. We live in a throwaway world and it’s heartbreaking that we think it’s ok to throwaway a person we once couldn’t imagine losing.
I have been in a 4.5 year relationship and we came together when he was still in a relationship. This was ended by him to be with me. We promised that if we were ever unhappy that we would talk to each other and sort things out or walk away. Instead the last 6 months of our relationship he became more and more distant and then eventually I discovered that he cheated on me through a dating app. This happened 3 weeks ago and I am very much trying to move forward as I want to save our relationship. He seems to want to as well. Those around me say once a cheat always a cheat but I want to believe that we can survive this
This guy is a cheater. You knew it when he cheated on someone else to be with you. This is his character. He’s shown you who he is. The question you need to ask yourself is why you don’t think you deserve a persons full attention? Are you addicted to drama? Is he? Maybe it’s not exciting to him unless he’s cheating? Who knows? Protect yourself. Make sure he wears a condom with you if you decide to stay because he WILL be out in those streets! Maybe you can have an open relationship? Communicate what you want and don’t settle for less.
I was /am in a relationship with a 57 year old man than just wants more partners. And through time it’s become easy for him to be alone so while he loves me, he just can’t help himself… I get it and I appreciate him being honest with me. Cheating is a conscious decision to be committed and he is just not ready nor will he probably ever be ready to be that committed. It’s kind of sad