Is It Okay to Have a Threesome?

Hollywood has been romancing the idea of the “committed threesome” in recent years. You know, that very intimate stage where you trust your partner and want to make him happy. So what is his ultimate kinky fantasy to fulfill?

On the beach with strawberries and fine wine, no doubt…

“Uh sure…honey. Well that and a threesome!”

Yeah that might be a typical guy response. Men tend to like extremes when it comes to fantasies so the idea of having two women in bed at the same time appeals to his ego for obvious reasons. Not only is the experience erotic and taboo-breaking, but it’s also what “alpha males” are expected to do, on account of their smoldering masculinity or whatever they call it.

And there are some people who would tell you that a threesome is not a big deal. That if you two love each other, what does it matter if you have sex with someone else, especially if you enjoy that person as a couple?

On the other side, you have people who will tell you that you should NEVER have a threesome because (a) it’s immoral, (b) it’s dangerous to your relationship, (c) it’s just weird and awkward and you won’t enjoy it anyway.

The truth is probably somewhere nearer the middle. It’s potentially dangerous to your relationship and people certainly have stories to tell about how threesomes went wrong. In some cases, it literally destroyed their relationship. Stories about stolen boyfriends, stolen girlfriends, divorce, breaking up and so on and so on. Do we believe them? Of course, because polyamorous or casual sex is not for everyone. Some people like it, some people hate it. If you hate it by instinct, you cannot grow to like it. You will never like it.

That said, it wouldn’t be right to say you should never have a threesome and that you should demand your boyfriend / husband get rid of that terrible fantasy going on in his head because it’s never going to happen!

That’s a bad idea because talking things over as a couple, and being honest with each other (and accepting your partner’s feelings) is the best way to broach the subject. It’s much better to discuss the idea openly than to treat it as some kind of dirty word or forbidden fantasy that should never be discussed, because that only makes it more taboo, more shocking and sinful to the guy—and thus more appetizing.

That said, here’s what you should keep in mind about threesomes, speaking objectively and realistically. Read over these three points before discussing it with your partner and before making your final decision.

1. Threesomes are weirder in person than as depicted in Hollywood films or in porn. You two can’t freak out if things don’t go exactly as fantasized.

Men will often times have silly ideas of what real sex feels like and what it requires. For instance, in threesomes there has to be some “choreography” so that everyone knows what they’re doing and there’s no awkwardness and embarrassing mishaps during sex. (Awkwardness and embarrassment tends to kill sexual excitement) There’s bound to be some giggling and mistakes here and there, sure. But are you both confident enough to know how to guide your lover through the experience?

At times, one of you (perhaps the guy) will have to ride “solo” while two of the threesome entertain each other. Can your egos handle sharing and being patient? Can you cooperate and not get jealous, bored, angry or resentful because the experience isn’t quite turning into the fantasy you always had in your mind? It’s actually recommended that you discuss what you expect from the threesome in detail, including your “limits” as to what you DON’T want to see. Couples who insist they have “no limits” and that “anything goes” oftentimes discover that’s not the case at all when it’s actually happening. Certain things really start to bother them…and by then it’s too late.

2. Having sex with someone you know usually causes some drama.

Many swingers and poly lovers would tell you, especially if you’re new to the lifestyle, to not have sex with a friend. It creates lots of drama, especially if one or both of you feels extremely jealous. Feelings can develop and sometimes these feelings are one-sided. Sometimes one partner discovers he/she doesn’t like the other partner. Sometimes friendships are ruined because of casual sex.

The truth is, you THINK you trust your friend to be a good sport when it comes to threesomes. But you are more likely to feel insecure and harbor resentment when it’s a friend…and things don’t turn out the way you hope. Most sex experts recommend looking for someone who is an experienced poly or swinger, so that you don’t complicate your regular friendships.

3. You may not really want this. Your partner may not really want this.

Look, I hate to be a buzz kill but sometimes what seems really sexy in a fantasy just doesn’t translate well to the real world. Many women are too self-conscious and or jealous when it comes to sharing their man with another woman. Some women are not bisexual and so they don’t really want to make love to another woman—much to the man’s disappointment. Some men are suddenly VERY jealous if the roles are reversed and it’s two men pleasuring a woman. But is it fair to just have a Female/Female/Male threesome and let the man live out all his wildest fantasies while the woman never gets to have her turn?

The bigger question is, do you actually want a threesome because of your own desires, or are you just doing it to please your man? This is where it becomes dangerous territory. Because if you are willing to give in to your man’s desires, because of fear and desperation, he will never respect you. He will always push your boundaries farther than you want to go. He will always disrespect you and see how much more you can tolerate. Threesomes might eventually become him cheating on you. Or forcing you to have sex with someone you really don’t like.

You can never make a man like this happy…unless of course you’re willing to become his slave and just do whatever he tells you to do. If you compromise your principles and go through with it just for him you will hate the experience and you will resent him, while hating yourself.

Threesomes are not problem solvers. A threesome doesn’t fix a relationship that’s under serious stress. It’s not just a “gift” to the man you love…you really have to want it too. Otherwise, you are giving him the upper hand in the relationship too early on and that means you will lose.

Having a threesome you don’t really want is the equivalent of sleeping with a man too soon, hoping he’ll fall in love with you. It doesn’t work that way.

So talk things over with your partner and get his honest feelings on the idea as you share yours. Discuss whether or not you want it, if you’re threatened by it, and then discuss alternatives to threesomes that might make you both happy without risking too much.

Talking things over with your partner is the best way to improve your sex life and improve trust between the both of you.

About The Author

Matthew Coast

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