You can feel it starting again. He gets a little distant, and your chest tightens with the fear of losing him. That fear makes you grip tighter, and the tighter you grip, the more he pulls away.
You can break that cycle. Keeping a man close has less to do with holding on and more to do with staying calm, warm, and secure in yourself.
How do you keep a man from pulling away? Give him room to be independent, stay calm instead of panicking, and keep your own life full and happy. Men pull back when they feel controlled or smothered. When closeness feels safe and easy, he has no reason to run.
How to Keep a Man From Pulling Away
- Don’t fight his independence. Every man craves some freedom, even when he’s in love. Let him have his space and hobbies, and he won’t feel the need to rebel.
- Stop obsessing over what he’s thinking. Constant check-ins feel like pressure. Loosen your grip and let him miss you.
- Stay calm when he needs space. Panic makes distance feel like danger. Your steady confidence tells him the connection is safe.
- Welcome him back warmly. When he returns, skip the lecture. Meet him with warmth so closeness feels good, not punishing.
- Keep the connection positive. Fill your time together with lightness and warmth. Men move toward the person who feels like home.
What to Do When He Starts to Pull Away
Give him space and don’t chase. When a man feels overwhelmed and you close in to fix it, the pressure pushes him further out. Room to breathe lets him miss you.
Stay warm and grounded. Keep your own life full and your emotions steady. A settled, happy woman is easy to stay close to, and coming back to her feels good. Some men pull back the moment closeness deepens, a pattern you can read about in this guide to avoidant attachment.
Keep your standards. Occasional space is healthy. A repeated hot-and-cold pattern with no effort is not. You deserve consistency.
Quick Answers About Keeping a Man From Pulling Away
Can I stop him from pulling away completely? Some need for space is normal and healthy. You can lower how often and how far he retreats by keeping things calm and pressure-free.
Does giving space really keep him close? Yes. Space lets him miss you instead of feeling smothered.
Should I tell him how his distance hurts me? Say it once, calmly, then let it go. Repeated pleas push him away.
Will he come back if I stay calm? Most men do, when returning feels warm and easy rather than tense.
What makes a man feel safe staying close? Feeling free, accepted, and valued, without pressure or control.
Related Reading
- 6 Dating Mistakes That Make a Man Pull Away
- 5 Mistakes Women Make When a Man Pulls Away
- Why Men Pull Away: The Full Guide
- Understanding Avoidant Attachment
When He Pulls Away, Text Him This
There’s a simple message that helps a distant man feel regret and start to miss you, without any chasing. This short video shows you exactly what to say.
Hi Matthew. I read all your articles and take all your advice. I really respect your insight and appreciate your guidance.
I keep reading the articles about How To Keep A Man From Pulling Away. I’ve done everything you suggest, and it is not helping. I’ve been seeing someone on and off for 7 months, since October. The first 3 weeks were great! Then he disappeared, after he spent the night with me. I was a little upset but figured I didn’t have a lot of time invested so I forgot about him and tried to move on. On Christmas I messaged him and said Merry Christmas. That was it. No response. I messaged him on 2/2, his birthday. He replied thanks, and said he’d been working out of town. I didn’t reply. Just kept silent after that. 2 weeks later, on Valentines Day, at 5AM, he messaged me saying Happy Valentine’s Day. I was surprised, and happy and said thank you, that means a lot to me. I actually got a lot of messages that day, but this one meant the most. I don’t know why, since he’d been ignoring me. He continued to message and call after that, for 3 months. We only met a few times, he spent the night a couple times. Each time, he ignores me for another 3-4 weeks. I make small effort and message him and ask how he’s doing. If he doesn’t reply I don’t try again.
I’ve really grown to like this guy A LOT! He is about 10 years older. Has 4 adopted kids in his home, works on one side of the country, has a beach house on the other side that he has to take care of, and we live right in the middle. I understand he is busy, he has a lot on his plate. He has helped me through some tough family issues. And we’ve gotten very close in the time we have spent together.
My friends are telling me he has another girlfriend in the other city/cities. I don’t want to believe that. What do you suggest? Confront him and ask him? Wait it out? Give him my expectations to communicate at least once a day? I am so sad right now, it’s been ten days since we’ve talked. I think he is working out of town again. But is he really?
I have met 2 other men this week. I’m not really interested in them, but trying to keep my options open. But of course my mind is on him.
Thank you for all your advice and suggetions!!
Kelly
Pray for him to
I always pray for my dearest and closest friends and family. As well as the people whom I call Messengers and Angels.
Sounds like a total player and user. You’re worth a million times more than the piddly crumbs he’s “giving” you. Run!!
Kelly. I thought i have a perfect husband EVERYTHING has always been perfect for 10 years….last week a lady walks up to my door and tells me that my husband has went to her house 3 times a day for sex for the last 5 years. She knows everything about everyone in my life and everything that has happened. I am crushed i work at walmart and I remember helping this lady at my work…i had NO idea that anything was going on…
you just need to back off
stop being si easy
you deserve better
if he comes around then it is his action
but if someone ghosted me like that
i would not be having sleep overs
he is getting what he wants with no
resoect towards you
tou are very worthy of more
Your friends sound correct. You are in an imaginary relationship. and unrequited love situation. The intimacy bonded you to him, but he’s not interested in a relationship. It is one sided. You chased him by texting after you had not heard from him. Please start dating other people and don’t initiate any more contact with him. If he reaches out first, then respond.
Any updates, Kelly? Your story is a little bit like mine only my guy lives in the same town. I don’t think he has someone else on the side but he’s kept me so separate from his main life I would have no way of knowing. He hasn’t even revealed where he lives. I don’t know if it’s his attachment issues or what but I normally just try to go with the flow. I laid some things out about how I feel mainly from the context that I have to have respect for myself. I haven’t heard back but I’m not going to henpeck him for answers. It’s very difficult to step back but standing up for your relationship rights does help.
Again- would love an update.
Colleen
You don’t listen to others advise..he’s like the rest..you listen to your heart and gut..if it seems wrong it is move on..that simple no mind games if feel it there if not I know you get it
Don’t allow him back. He’s only using you for sex when it’s convenient for him. If he cared about you he wouldn’t ghost you after spending the night.
I see a lot of negative responses and they could very well be right. Just as much a chance they are as I am.
But my thoughts are…it IS working, he DOES keep coming back. Yes you reached out the first time, but from what you wrote here doesn’t sound like you were overly aggressive about it. And some men (avoidants esp) need a reach-out once in awhile and after awhile, so they know you’re not going to bite their heads off.
That said, he may have other gf’s like the others say. What I try to do in situations like these is evaluate his overall pattern. What does your intuition tell you? Assume he DOES have another gf for a day. Does that feel correct? Are you having cognitive dissonance because that doesn’t fit with his overall pattern of behavior? Are there other signs there’s another woman? What has he said about it…have you talked? Obviously men can and do lie…but if he offered up that there’s no one else and you didn’t have to ask, well that may be a good sign if it fits with the rest of his actions. Are there signs he has someone else? Not all busy-ness is another woman…some work schedules are hell and kids can take much of the extra time if he’s trying to be an involved dad.
Anyhow good luck. The best advice I have is to be patient and time will bear it out. Someone I know is a bit like this and it’s really hard to get used to, but I believe in my heart that he’s for the good, that he’d never purposely hurt me (not that he won’t make mistakes though…). But I don’t just blindly believe this, I believe it because I’ve done that suspecting him thing and been proven wrong. Caught him in the truth several times by accident…kind of like you’d usually catch someone in a lie. And when I’ve given him benefit of the doubt I’ve never yet been wrong. And don’t get me wrong, he’s done some severely sketchy things (he’s a strong Avoidant type)…but in the end it always turns out with good reason / intent. Just not great at communicating bless him…more he can be but doesn’t want to have to explain himself to me I guess…I’m not his mother after all…just wants me to trust him. And to date, he’s earned it. Not that he can’t unearn it really quickly, but at this point I have no reason not to trust him and every reason TO trust him.
So yeah. It could be just his normal pattern (your guy’s). Patience, benefit of the doubt (if he merits it), overall patterns, time. All that will tell. In the meantime if he hasn’t asked you to be exclusive, I agree DO try to keep your options open. Even if you’re thinking of him the whole time… it’ll help give you something to do to keep you sane. You can casually date them/ no sleepovers of course. 🙂 I wouldn’t lead them on but do take it slow. Best to you!
Thank you so much for this arcticle.this is the perfect solution I e been seeking and I appreciate the enlightenment you have provided me
Some men get hyper for no reason.
KELLY
if your man is a GeminI, this is typical.
He could be or is a workaholic, and very busy. He could be contacting you for Sweet love. Or he could be Just Gemini, married, having an affair, on Line with other women and looking for quick hook ups.
BUT if he is s gemini, Gemini’s don’t like commitment, and Gemini’s take a long time for feelings.
Geminis have a list of followers. They talk to everyone, and most of the time people think the Gemini is into them. They just love to be nice and flirt
YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING.
You have to decide. Is he worth waiting to see if he does have eyes for you? Or is he just playing a game with you.
If he is not a Gemini, you may be dealing with A PLAYER.
If he is a Gemini , read all you can on Gemini’s.
You will be surprised
Good luck
Pearl
Pearl, you are so right! I have known a Gemini for three years now and could pull my hair out. I’m an Aries, so independent and headstrong. He is a single dad with his own business and pulls away a lot. He has a great sense of humor and loves to tease. He lived with me for nine months and I definitely had a live/hate relationship at times. He loves fixing things for me, but is critical of everything I do for him. Everyone has told me to dump him, move on, forget him….but we have SO much in common! Snd sparks fly with fire and air.
I thought we learned his birthday was 2/2 – that’s not a Gemini!
Aquarius….we are supposed to be flaky
An astrological sign never excuses bad behavior, period.
Thanks for your advice
Thanks. I. Need Ed. To. Eat. That
My situation is much to complicated and different to share here, but, I wish I could. However, I can certainly relate to these stories and no matter what stage of life we’re in, or circumstances, love and relationships can brake our hearts. We women seem to be hard wired to want to fix them, and that’s usually the downward spiral it seems. Thank you for helping so many Matthew, I love reading your emails and listening to your advice.
I have been married for 18 to my best friend we split sept 1 I am not doing well. He started becoming a different person about 5 years ago it really kicked in 3 years ago brings this girl home said they r just friends because she only dates women. Well I watched to people look like they were faulting in front of me. I was deeply devalued told I was just jealous because he had a friend. I’m not a jealous person and I give him lots of freedom. He told me he wasn’t in love with me any more and he didn’t trust me. Why u ask so did I . Answer it was slot of little things. Lol billshit as this women can walk on water and I get treated like the garbage u throw out. He became mean . Like some one jumped in his body he seems like he has become a convert narcissistic if I didn’t know any He gave me the woman you’re having an affair with a picture of her dog framed for Xmas. We were watching her dog for 8 months . I was never told were she lived. I can’t believe I put up with it. I’m a very strong women and this man makes me crumble. I finally got an answer to why he fell out of love with me. He blames me for him having great loneliness. Yet he doesn’t acknowledge anything he has done I could go on forever on the examples of what he did and how stupid I was the hardest part is I still very much in love with this man he just realized after six months how badly he hurt me it’s very deep and time is not making it better. I’m pretty sure he’s been screwing around on me for five years now that I’m away from him. I am realizing how foggy my Brian was like I had a cloak on me for 18 years. But he wasn’t like this until about 5 years ago really 3. I know the Honorable decent man that I married is underneath how do I OK to come down again.
Hes gone move on been there done it..just be careful in the dating world cuz whole different game of players
I met a guy in Nov 2o20 we got on so well had a great time together there was no sex life but it don’t seem to bother ether of us it was just something we were going to work in with each other .. we went on a holiday together for 5 days we got back home things were fine … he went to see his brother But was still texting me. Came home had a nite out with his mates we caught up the following nite and he was just cold and switched off .. what happened ?? My gut instincts have NEVER led me wrong about people.. I feel we would of made an amazing couple as we had so much to give each other .. he has now blocked me and I cannot contact him … I miss him so much as he is a genuine man what can I do I’m very lost ?
Seems like he might have met someone else when he was out with his friends that night. Assume men are seeing other people until the two of you make things official.
sounds like a player run for the hills !
my man too pulls away all the time we been together 20 years
the last 6 months he’s been doing this really regular and having 2 weeks at a time to himself which i hate so i call beg and plead but he just ignores me we also have 3 girls together so i feel like this is very unfair maybe it is just time to be done the is really breaking me
I have experienced the hot and cold from this man for about a year, all 3 things you listed in this article I have done repeatedly and caused negative reactions. About a week in a half ago, he told me not to call him babe, baby, my love anymore. He doesn’t realize or remember that last time he came to visit me(3months ago), that he actually got very angry with me because he was supposed to be gone for a couple of hours but was gone for about 10 hours and I got upset. Then he handed me his phone and told me to go thru our texts, only it wasn’t my name on the header, it was another female. I have never said anything about this to him but this is what caused my insecurity of love to bombard him.
Matthew,
I read the article, watched the video and signed up but I didn’t receive the 4 word text message to send to make him feel regret snd miss me after pulling away. Can you please tell me what the 4 word text message is that I should send to illicit a response?
It’s in the texting video
Hi Matthew I’m sorry I’ve not been able to get own line much been in the hospital for a bit now not to mention that I had been sent off but I need a private conversation with you own that part! I can’t speak out for everyone to know the reason for this
Thank you, Matthew. This is very insightful. Your articles help me how to behave around men, what to expect of/from them, and how to keep my emotions under control. Keep up the good work!
You’re welcome! Thanks for being here!
Oh man, why do they pull away like that? It’s such a weird trait to leave your partner for “some time” and be back like nothing happened. I don’t appreciate this. It seriously breaks my sanity.
Is there anyway to avoid this from happening at all?