How to Keep a Man from Pulling Away

If you’ve had your heart broken before then you well know the pain of watching a man pull away. It’s especially painful if the relationship was going so well before it careened out of control—and seemingly over nothing!

How is it possible that a relationship that seemed so promising, so intimate, could self-destruct in a heartbeat? A single argument? Or worse yet, a gradual devolution, where you watch a man fall in love…then get used to you…then slowly realize you’re really more of a friend than a wife.

It’s devastating! And it only hurts more when you don’t understand why.

And I’ll tell you what makes it worse—the fear of losing him. That always escalates the feeling and makes you feel paranoid, which only makes him want to pull away even more. It’s a vicious cycle of weakness and panic.

And I’ll tell you right now if you want to keep a man from pulling away and make sure the relationship stays strong you need to STOP that chain reaction. You need to summon your inner goddess—strong, confident and wise.

Here are three ideas on how to do just that—how to keep a man loyal to you, against all odds, so that he never even feels tempted to leave.

1. Don’t fight his independence.

This is perhaps the biggest mistake most women make. They start to panic when a man shows signs of desiring independence. He breaks the rules, or bends them, he “growls” at you and does something brazen.

You interpret that as aggressiveness, unhappiness, and signs that he’s going to leave you. You’re losing control over him, right?

But here’s the thing—ALL men want to be independent. All men, even the ones who have been married 50 years. Men simply do not want to be controlled. They don’t like the feeling of it and they will rebel if they sense that you have too much control over their lives.

This is why the best thing to do is stay calm and centered and realize that a man pulling away from you is OKAY. It doesn’t mean he’s ready to leave. And it doesn’t mean that you need to “fix the problem ASAP.”

All it means is that he’s craving independence. Maybe he wants to go camping. Maybe he wants to have a new hobby completely independent of you. Maybe he wants to buy a new car without your permission. Whatever it is, he’s determined to do it. So the only logical thing to do is to go WITH the current rather than against it. Let him do what he wants and give him the gift of independence, which is all he’s asking for.

It’s perfectly natural for men to want independence, even if they’re in love with you—even if they’re married to you! This is just a normal cycle of a long-term relationship.

And yes, eventually he WILL come back to you. The question is, are you strong enough to handle his mood fluctuations and to allow him the gift of being alone?

He needs to work out his feelings and you should be more than happy to give him what he wants rather than forcing him to feel something contrary to his instincts. Giving him what he wants, after all, is the loving thing to do.

2. Stop holding his hand…let go completely and STOP obsessing over what he’s thinking or feeling.

This is another challenging aspect of the “pull back” because your instincts are empathetic. You want to ask him what’s wrong, you want to know what he’s thinking, and gauge when he’s coming back.

But once again, this is the opposite of what he wants. As soon as you start to pull him back in, he once again resists your efforts. He senses the manipulation and resents it.

The problem is that when you pull back, even though you think it’s the caring thing to do, he senses it as an intrusion on his privacy. Now, there’s no incentive for him to come back.

He must feel that incentive to come back, which means you must ignore him long enough to for him to miss you. Don’t call him, don’t email him, don’t drop by or offer to help. Because the most important thing is that coming back to you must be his idea.

That’s the incentive for him…he misses you, he makes the effort to come back.

3. Welcome him back and show him that you are in perfect control of your emotions.

I know, your instincts are to punish him and lecture him about how much it hurts when he withdraws like this. But I’m telling you now, these long speeches are wasted on him.

The best time to “punish him”? Immediately after he distances himself. You “punish him” by NOT RESPONDING. You stop communicating. You stop rewarding him, you stop indulging him. That’s the best way to handle your ambivalent feelings, by showing him that you won’t play this game and that you won’t respond to it.

Now, when he finally does come back to you (and he almost always will, because during this time he’s missing you dearly) it’s time to change the attitude. Don’t welcome him back with terms and conditions. Don’t lecture him or punish him for doing something right.

When he does something right, like coming back to you and showing you affection and apology, (the desire to be close again) reward him with POSITIVE FEELINGS. Express how happy you are that he’s back and how it makes you feel safe, comforted and desired when he does share his feelings with you.

You’re showing him that being intimate with you is a fun, positive and heart-warming experience. Distancing himself and backing away results in COLD, LONELY feelings—the negative. It’s a simple system of positive reinforcement and passive resistance.

That’s how you and I understand it. From his perspective, he just wants to know that he can be independent and be his “old self” once again. He needs to know that you are not going to lose control of your emotions just because he desires a change.

If you master this basic series of reactions to his “pull back” he will recognize you as a strong woman who knows him, knows what he’s thinking, respects his needs, and knows just how to react to him.

He will find your maturity and grace in the midst of this conflict comforting. Positive reinforcement is what will bring him back. And once he reconnects with you and feels the emotional catharsis that he craves, he will realize you’re an important part of his life—and a life partner that he cannot live without!

You win this “game” by staying the course and being strong in spirit.

Does He Love You?

My friend Michael Fiore recently asked over 20,000 men…

“What’s the one thing you desperately wish the woman in your
life understood about men but could NEVER tell her?”

The results were juicy, devastating and dangerous…

Guys opened up…

About how they FEEL about women…

About what they WANT from women…

About what makes them MAD about women…

Michael gave me a tiny peek at the survey results and I
suddenly felt like I had X-ray vision into men’s minds…

Michael’s decided to share the results with a few women…

And totally blow apart what you think you know about men…

Go watch this amazing video to find out more:

===>>> (Does He Love You?)

Best,

Matthew Coast

P.S. Warning: Michael pulls no punches and this isn’t for the
faint of heart.

===>>> (Does He Love You?)

 

 

 

 

 

About The Author

Matthew Coast

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1 Comment

  • Kelly Niday

    Reply Reply June 5, 2018

    Hi Matthew. I read all your articles and take all your advice. I really respect your insight and appreciate your guidance.

    I keep reading the articles about How To Keep A Man From Pulling Away. I’ve done everything you suggest, and it is not helping. I’ve been seeing someone on and off for 7 months, since October. The first 3 weeks were great! Then he disappeared, after he spent the night with me. I was a little upset but figured I didn’t have a lot of time invested so I forgot about him and tried to move on. On Christmas I messaged him and said Merry Christmas. That was it. No response. I messaged him on 2/2, his birthday. He replied thanks, and said he’d been working out of town. I didn’t reply. Just kept silent after that. 2 weeks later, on Valentines Day, at 5AM, he messaged me saying Happy Valentine’s Day. I was surprised, and happy and said thank you, that means a lot to me. I actually got a lot of messages that day, but this one meant the most. I don’t know why, since he’d been ignoring me. He continued to message and call after that, for 3 months. We only met a few times, he spent the night a couple times. Each time, he ignores me for another 3-4 weeks. I make small effort and message him and ask how he’s doing. If he doesn’t reply I don’t try again.

    I’ve really grown to like this guy A LOT! He is about 10 years older. Has 4 adopted kids in his home, works on one side of the country, has a beach house on the other side that he has to take care of, and we live right in the middle. I understand he is busy, he has a lot on his plate. He has helped me through some tough family issues. And we’ve gotten very close in the time we have spent together.

    My friends are telling me he has another girlfriend in the other city/cities. I don’t want to believe that. What do you suggest? Confront him and ask him? Wait it out? Give him my expectations to communicate at least once a day? I am so sad right now, it’s been ten days since we’ve talked. I think he is working out of town again. But is he really?

    I have met 2 other men this week. I’m not really interested in them, but trying to keep my options open. But of course my mind is on him.

    Thank you for all your advice and suggetions!!

    Kelly

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