Have you ever been honest with someone in conversation, only for that person to tell you that you’re being “mean” or “cruel”?
It might seem confusing to you, since you feel truth and honesty is always the appropriate response. However, to another person, your words can burn like scalding hot coffee against skin.
Are there actually “rules” for being honest? Is there such a thing as good honesty and bad honesty?
Or is there ever a time when lying, or even using white-lies, would be better than the truth? Let’s consider first the virtue of being honest.
Honesty is the Best Policy – STILL TRUE!
There is no downside to being honest. Honesty builds character. It establishes your authority and your reputation among others, whether in career or simply in interpersonal relationships. We all want to be friends with honest people.
It’s actually very difficult to stay friends with someone who is known to be dishonest or deceitful because we can’t trust that person! Not only will that person lie, but they might also hide the truth for their own selfish gain. Sometimes liars even lie, not because of selfish gain, but just because it gives them pleasure to lie!
Honesty will always be the best policy because it’s what helps us feel secure, safe, and valued by the people we know. Now let’s consider another aspect of truth.
Is Honesty Always Necessary – NO, ONLY IF REQUESTED!
Honesty is the best policy, sure. But we are often told by others that we have an obligation to “be honest and outspoken” at all times.
That’s not ALWAYS true! Honesty in thought is a virtue but speaking your honest opinions all the time can go beyond honesty and actually become a license to offend. The problem happens when we CHOOSE to be outspoken and honest and opinionated rather than honest and kind.
Our priority should be to project honesty and kindness, and then outspoken IF we are asked to share our opinion. If we go around offering unsolicited but “honest” opinions, then we’re not that much different than a door-to-door salesman who’s being “honest” with us about his product, but is not actually doing anything we asked him to do. He’s being invasive, isn’t he?
The same thing can be said about people who are honest but unkind, giving all sorts of honest opinions that are not welcomed or requested.
“Hey, you’re too fat!”
“Hey, you come across as stupid sometimes.”
“Hey, you are just plain wrong about everything!”
“Hey, I don’t like your mother!”
“Hey, I don’t approve of what you do!’
These are all honest expressions, but they’re not very kind! In fact, such unwelcomed honesty can start a fight very quickly!
Is Honesty Based on Objectivity? — NOT ALWAYS!
Sometimes when a person thinks they’re being honest, they’re actually not. They’re sharing their personal perspective, which may be completely different from another person’s perspective.
Sometimes honesty can even be based on selfish desires. We only want to be honest because of how it makes us feel. Or because it aggrandizes our position, because saying “honest” and provocative things makes us feel superior to others.
However, kindness requires that you think of helping the other person, rather than focusing on how it makes you feel. If you’re thinking too much about yourself and your amazing honesty, then you’re no longer caring about the other person.
Tact is not just “political correctness”. Tact is the filter we use to get along with other people and not offend their sensibilities with our own single perspective. If our honesty becomes more important than another person’s feelings – and most importantly, they don’t ask for such brutal honesty – then it is no longer such a positive attribute. It can even be cruel if we use honesty as a weapon, solely to upset other people.
But If a Person Has a Bad Idea, Don’t They Need to Know It? – IT DEPENDS!
What about the old cliché that goes, “If my friend has a terrible idea…wouldn’t he want to know it? You know, to avoid embarrassment?”
The best way to solve this dilemma is to ask yourself, “Am I being honest AND focusing on the solution?”
Honest criticisms are helpful but unless they involve a solution, some kind of constructive feedback, or at least some empathy for the person, then it’s not valuable honesty. Anyone can say, “I don’t like you”, “I don’t find you attractive”, and “What you believe is stupid.” But these honest criticisms are not helpful in the least. They’re not focusing on anything positive or anything constructive.
That’s the first rule of a teacher in school – not to berate students, but to help them grow and expand their world-view. The same should be true of any person.
Honesty in Relationships
It’s especially important to take a positive outlook in relationships because honest but unkind criticism can lead to arguing, fighting and breakups. When criticism is delivered constantly, without request, and with a negative slant, it becomes nagging.
Men don’t like it!
What can defuse conflict is rephrasing honest criticisms in a more positive way, one that doesn’t make your partner feel bad. For example, “You never romance me anymore!” is a negative criticism. Honest, yes. Necessary to share, yes. But one that hurts. A man who hears that is unlikely to respond favorably – he feels attacked!
A better way of saying it would be, “I want you to romance me with flowers, wine tasting, and a massage. It’s my number one fantasy. Interested? I’ll be sure to show you how grateful I am too!”
That takes an honest criticism and turns it into a message that makes him feel good, and also conveys your need.
Remember to ask yourself in the future when thinking about such “cruel honesty”:
(A) Is this the kind of honesty that I would welcome if the situation were reversed?
(B) Is there a more positive way of communicating the criticism?
(C) Am I balancing honesty with kindness?
(D) Do I really want to help this person better their life with my comments?
Keep these points in mind and you will quickly develop a reputation for being honest, kind, helpful and a good friend!
The 5 Word Phrase That Destroys a Man’s Love For You And Drives Him Out Of Your Life
There’s a simple 5 word phrase that will destroy any man’s love for you and drive him out of your life completely…
It usually comes out as an honest question when you want to connect with him…
But only serves to push him away and slowly kill your relationship from the inside out…
It can take a man who is filled with love and passion for you…
And make him feel cold, distant, and uninterested…
Have you figured out what it is yet?
Many women send this as a text message when they’re feeling insecure…
And then are confused why he suddenly pulls away and disappears completely…
Most of the women who ask it don’t even know how harmful it is…
Yet it can take a relationship that seems like it’s perfect…
A relationship where you feel loved, cared for, and like you’ve finally found “the one”…
And overnight, it can tear that relationship apart…
Leaving you confused, frustrated, and heartbroken…
If you don’t know what this simple yet seemingly innocent question is…
I want you to stop what you’re doing and go watch this video presentation that I put together for you at the link below…
Click here to watch the video now <<
My name is Matthew Coast and I’ve been teaching in the dating industry on since 2005…
I’ve helped hundreds of thousands of women, all over the world…
Get into relationships where they feel loved, seen, and cherished by the men they’re with…
When you click the link this link right here <<
I show you what this 5 word phrase is…
I’ll teach you about why men pull away, how to stop it from happening…
And how to attract the man you want…
Into a relationship where you’re loved and adored and treated like a priority…
No matter how painful things have been in your past…
You can attract a great man and have a great relationship…
Just click the link on your screen and the watch the video right now…
If you’re struggling with men pulling away from you…
If you’re tired of giving everything to a relationship and only being taken for granted…
And if you’re ready to have a man see you as a woman that he wants to be with forever…
