Fetish Dating (What You Need to Know)

“My life is very uh…complex.” -Batman

It does kind of feel like a dark secret when you have a special kink and yet feel too afraid to tell anyone about it. Maybe you’re afraid of being judged, shamed, shunned or even reported to the Facebook police!

And it’s easy to assume, “Well when I meet a guy I like, I’m sure he’ll be just as kinky as I am!”

Hmmm…or not. In fact, it’s entirely possible that your kink is too much for him. Or that maybe it doesn’t OFFEND him, necessarily, it just doesn’t do anything for him. He doesn’t experience the same excitement over the kink that you do.

This is a problem because deep down, we all want a lover who will SATISFY our desires. Feeling alone or feeling freakish in a relationship, because your partner doesn’t match you (or doesn’t like the same kinks that you do), is a depressing way to go through life.

You want adventure and thrills but you’re afraid to even bring up the touchy subject to a guy you barely know and are thinking about dating. At this point you have one of two options:

1. Try to get the guy excited about exploring your taboos and hope he’s flexible and creative enough to try it.
2. Or, look for someone in the Fetish or BDSM community that loves the same things that you do.

But it’s not actually as easy as just choose Option 1 or Option 2.

Fetish Dating: The Challenges

Well first of all, don’t assume that the innocent guy you meet at the grocery store is going to be your fetish buddy. Fetishes ARE quite common but the problem is, many people don’t match up in erotic fantasies. While a lot of people might be interested in light bondage (like handcuffs or dirty talking), only a niche audience would appreciate a more unusual activity like spanking, tickling, costumes, roleplay and the like. (And yes, I’m sure there’s much kinkier stuff out there that just that!)

In fact, the guy you just met, probably has his own taboos and kinks – stuff you’ve never thought of before. Stuff you might even go “Eeeew!” when he brings it up. You see the problem?

On the other hand, it’s NOT easy to just join a fetish website or club and meet a person that that’s awesome, patient and a master in the kinky arts. No, it actually takes a bit of time to find your ideal match in fetish dating.

Take a popular website like FetLife for example. The site is full of disclaimers, horror stories, rules and regulations, and special terms and conditions when you join. These are not in place to give you a hard time. They’re there because very bad stuff has happened before…and the site owners want to prevent anything negative from happening again.

Unfortunately even though it’s easy to find a fetish dating website these days, it’s not easy to find someone who’s SAFE, SANE, and who understands what CONSENT means.

Exploring fetishes and BDSM kink is very risky if you don’t have a partner you trust. Going too fast or too far, without a partner that actually cares about you, could even lead to PTSD or physical/emotional injury. In fact, prerequisites exist in the BDSM community. Safe words (meaning a partner must know when to STOP, SLOW DOWN or keep going), soft limits (things you want to explore slowly) and hard limits (stuff you never ever want to do) are the norm. Lovers negotiate these terms in the form of a contract. Fetish contracts, just like legal contracts, are taken very seriously.

No wonder then that some Subs and Doms won’t even work with someone new that doesn’t have an established and stellar reputation in the community.

It’s sort of like that movie Fifty Shades of Grey, except that the movie and the book were not entirely realistic about the consensual contract. There’s no such thing as implied consent…it’s all very straightforward, agreed-upon and detailed “consent”.

There’s simply too much to risk when it comes to BDSM dating to take it lightly. Going home with the wrong partner can threaten your life, your health, or at the very least your respectable reputation in the local community. (Umm like sharing someone’s private pictures all over the Internet? You can imagine the dangers!)

The Best Way to Find a Fetish Partner.

That’s not to say you should just forget the whole thing. Finding a partner that shares your kinks can be an amazing experience. It’s just important to be cautious.

Some BDSM websites recommend going to something called a MUNCH, where people meet and talk normally at a meet up event. They’re not “in character” and not only discussing taboo sex fantasies. They’re just chatting as regular people. There would be a low-pressure event to meet a new friend and then start a relationship over time.

Another approach would be finding a BDSM themed event (a swingers party or a kink meet up) and seeing if you click with someone.

The last approach would be simply using a dating app and meeting one on one, but perhaps taking a cautious approach when you arrange for dates. The rules might be:

1. Meet in a public place at the beginning.
2. Verify his identity before being alone with him. His social media page, his ID, his family, etc.
3. Tell a friend where you’ll be going before being alone with him.
4. Go on regular dates first and see what kind of man he is outside of the kink world.
5. Talk about fetishes online or via phone before you actually try anything in person.
6. Discuss your “contract” of agreements and conditions before any kink happens.
7. Take it slow and develop trust.

This kind of approach will keep you safe and make sure your fetish dating is an enjoyable experience and not a horrifying Silence of the Lambs type horror story gone wrong.

Establishing some rules (and NOT straying from them) will ensure that your new partner is sane, protective of you, and above all, just wants to make you happy. That should be the goal of any healthy relationship!

About The Author

Matthew Coast

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