It’s safe to say that culture has changed so much over the past 50-100 years, cheating today doesn’t mean what it used to mean so many years ago. Sure, we still understand why cheating is wrong. How it hurts people and the chaos it can cause in a relationship.
But today, our culture has become somewhat accustomed to the idea; partly because of dating apps, celebrity couplings, instant messaging and social media, porn and erotica, non-monogamous relationships, and all sorts of other cultural shifts that have happened.
One hundred years ago, a husband or wife caught cheating would be a big scandal in the neighborhood. That person might even be ostracized for the shame of having an affair. While there is still some element of scandal involved today, it’s easy to see that we’ve come to see cheating as a not-so-shocking development. It’s something that could happen to anyone, not just a “certain type” or a demographic.
Of course, when it happens to you, or more to the point, when you suspect your man is cheating, it really does cause feelings of panic, heartbreak and confusion. At first, you don’t want to believe it. You might even convince yourself that it couldn’t possibly be true.
Then you probably wonder sometimes, “Am I crazy? Am I just paranoid and insecure? Maybe it’s all in my head.”
That’s the thing – how do you KNOW if a man is cheating? You know, I’ve come across a lot of articles online that say it’s a feeling in your gut, or “you just know”. It almost seems like they’re saying, “Listen to your Spidey sense and you’ll know the answer.”
What? What is this sixth sense they’re talking about? Here’s the problem with that scenario…when a woman does get it wrong and falsely accuses a man of cheating, she DID get the sixth sense. Her mind was suspicious and her instincts told her – it gave her that gut feeling that he was cheating.
But in the end, he wasn’t unfaithful. And guess what happens now? Now there’s conflict in the marriage because he figures she doesn’t trust him. No one appreciates their character being questioned.
That brings us to the real issue. The only way to know for sure if a man is cheating is to compile evidence, analyze the data, investigate, and then confront him with the evidence.
But rather than going purely on instinct, the best thing to do is to look for specific signs – signs of unusual and suspicious behavior. Most men who cheat feel guilty, or at least have a fear of getting caught. (There are some men that cheat and lie without a conscience, but they are the minority) These feelings of guilt and or paranoia will work against him and usually expose his cheating ways – especially if you approach this scenario logically and with a view towards evidence, not accusation.
So rather than focus on asking him if he’s cheating (which he probably wouldn’t admit, if he’s trying to keep it secret) look for these specifics signs that most cheaters will exhibit at some point and in doing so, give themselves away.
1. You stop trusting him.
Namely, because you can think of times when you caught him lying, hiding the truth, or being over-protective of sensitive information. Your instincts aren’t paranoid – you can obviously tell if a man who once trusted you with everything in his life, suddenly has secret information that he can’t share with you.
Maybe he hasn’t cheated yet but is thinking about it. Or maybe he’s cheating “in heart” through texting or email. But something is missing and trust is usually the first thing to go in a troubled relationship.
2. He has changed drastically in personality in a short period of time.
Oh yes partners do change over time, but these changes happen gradually. When a partner goes through a sudden change (so much so that his behavior seems radically different than before) it might be due to a guilty conscience. Or adapting to the personality of his mistress.
For instance, a lot of women notice that their cheating husbands would be uncharacteristically nice and overcompensating; others noticed their nice guy husbands seemed unusually rude when he had something to hide – or when he thought that their connection had grown cold.
Men who hide things also tend to be busy all the time. He’ll want an excuse to leave, to go interact with his mistress (or to find a mistress!) and so be on the watch for a man with a suddenly hectic schedule.
Simply put, a man who changes behavior quickly should have no problem explaining what brought on those changes. He might even be excited to share the good news. But if his explanations seem vague or overly rehearsed, your instincts sense something is off – you don’t have that same feeling of honesty.
3. His explanations and alibis are contradictory.
A man will have to exercise his creativity if he wants to pass the “test” – namely his wife asking him questions and remembering all the little details. The problem is, most men are inexperienced at lying, and method-acting their way out of a self-conflicting story. When his story doesn’t add up, it usually means he’s hiding something. He gets details wrong, he gets timelines wrong, he destroys his own alibi. Men who are not experienced and talented liars get easily confused and will eventually give themselves away.
4. He will project his guilt onto you – acting as if you’re the one causing conflict.
If he’s suddenly moody or always argumentative, that’s definitely the sign of an insecure man. A man who feels guilty for what he’s doing in secret will usually try to gaslight you, bully you, and mistreat you if you confront him. You might even start to feel crazy because what he’s saying doesn’t seem to match what he’s doing. This is a tactic to damage your self-esteem and stop you from questioning him.
Not all men resort to gaslighting behavior, but it just reinforces the attitude of the cheater – if he doesn’t get caught, if he doesn’t admit what he’s done, he won’t have to deal with the consequences.
So look for these signs before accusing him without evidence. The more he contradicts his own stories and alibis, the more obvious the lie will become. It’s not all about “gut” or intuition. It’s about noticing changing behaviors and unusual patterns that have no explanation. Once you get the “tip”, investigate and find the proof you need.
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