7 Signs You Need To Get Over Your Ex But Haven’t

We know the signs of a psychopath not getting over his or her ex—restraining order, screaming matches and appearing on shows like Cheaters and The Jerry Springer Show. (Hey is that still on?) Believe it or not though, even seemingly well adjusted people that aren’t crazy, violent or erratic after a breakup STILL go through a grieving process.

And if you don’t “get over your ex” in terms of constructive therapy, you may actually take the baggage of your old relationship and dump it into the new one. This creates more stress and unfortunately can doom many relationships with good potential before they even get a chance to start.

I suggest to my clients that they always make sure to process the grief and get the closure they need before they ever think about jumping into a new relationship. For that matter, I also think it’s very important to invest in self-improvement. His way you will gain more confidence, repair any self-esteem issues and realize your value as a person.

Now you may be at a point where you think you’re over your sex. You’ve given himself permission to hate, blame him, and to let him go once and for all.

But are you really over him? More importantly, are you ready to start dating again? Are you actually over him and back to your normal self or are you still resentful, defensive and projecting the wrong energy to your date?

Let’s review seven signs that show you are still living with your ex’s baggage.

1. He is the first person you want to talk to when something big happens.

It feels right to tell him…after all, you’ve been through so much together. But the sad fact is, your desire to keep him updated with everything new in your life continues the bond you created as partners. In order to move on, severing the connection is necessary so that you can begin the process of starting a close bond with someone more deserving. It’s time to start viewing each attempt at “keeping him updated” as an attempt to repair the intimacy you lost. It’s walking backwards!

2. You still have pieces of you in his life.

Yes, leaving possessions over at his house is like leaving pieces of yourself in his space…in hopes of tying up loose ends later on. Think of it as a guaranteed conversation that has to take place. An open-ended question that must be answered. In other words, by leaving stuff at his house you’re actually putting down a broken heart placeholder. Just in case you want to pick things up again or become emotionally attached, this is your foot-in-the-door. This is why we life coaches always emphasize the need to remove your personal items (especially very emotionally charged items like pictures, pets, cherished heirlooms and the like) as soon as possible, Until you let go completely you will always find a reason to have one more conversation with your ex.

3. You knowingly or unknowingly compare your new date to your ex.

Whether you think of your ex-boyfriend as the Perfect Man, or even if you despise him but still compare your date to him, you are living in the past. Yes, it is possible to hate your ex but still compare your dates to him, which is giving the guy way too much credit. Maybe you liked certain things about your ex and so you have an attitude that says, “Well I hope he’s at least as funny as my ex, or at least knows how to have fun like my ex.” Or even something like “I hope he’s not passive aggressive like my ex!” or “I hope he’s not emotionally abusive like my ex!”

In all of these cases, it’s damaging to compare any man to the memory of your ex, for better or for worse. It’s fine to look for positive traits and avoid negative qualities. But it’s a mistake to think your ex should be the standard by which you compare all men to, just to make sure they measure up. Stop bringing your ex into the picture. He’s gone…let him disappear in your mind and learn to like or dislike the new guy for his own unique identity.

4. You’re in party mode because you’re trying to forget.

Sleeping with someone else is the first step in forgetting your ex, right? Well, it works in the sense that you will inherit a lot more drama. But just like alcohol is no cure for depression, neither is jumping into another relationship a cure for a broken heart. Whether your vice is drugs or sex, rebounding with a dozen empty relationships will only chip away at your self-esteem and confuse you about what you really want out of life. The problem with rebounding relationships (as opposed to single casual sex) is that when your heart is damaged, you’re trying to fill the void and will only end up bringing more pain on yourself. It’s going to feel even worse if you or your short-term partner get their feelings hurt in the process.

5. You’re still stalking him on social media.

You’re curious about their new girlfriend, if they’re thinking about you, what they said to someone else and if it was about you…it’s a no win situation! If you’re still stalking your ex on Facebook, Twitter or Tumblr (and it’s even worse if it’s Tumblr!) then you’re falling into obsessive compulsive behavior. For your own peace of mind, ban yourself from reading his posts. Do not post about your ex either, figuring your friends will be ready to join your side. Sure, they might but the more you talk about him, the more power you give him over your life. Don’t keep your number for easy contact. Purge him from your life. The best revenge really is living happily ever after, and NOT thinking about him.

6. You’re still thinking about him…and at the worst times!

It’s one thing to be thinking of your ex constantly—and that’s definitely a sign that you need to grieve longer. But if you’re thinking of HIM when you’re feeling happy, when you’re feeling amorous, or when you’re chatting with friends, you’re still not ready to move on. Associating positive feelings with your ex (including sexual attraction) is a sign you’re ready to relapse. It’s time to start associating positive feelings with another activity that builds your self-esteem

7. You still need closure…but you don’t.

Maybe you don’t like your ex anymore…but you still want to say one more thing. That’s a problem…because you see, you will NEVER get the closure you need. He may something mean, or say something nice or say exactly what you want to hear, but I promise you it will never be enough. The whole myth of “closure” needs to die. Relationships end because of incompatibility, nothing more. No one wins. The only way someone wins is IF and when you both end that dysfunctional relationship and move on with your lives.

So before you assume you’re over your ex and ready to date again, take some time to review these signs. Make sure you’ve spent time on self-improvement and getting busy in life. Don’t jump into the dating pool too soon, if you haven’t taken time to heal. Come back when you’re ready—strong, confident and ready to love again.

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Talk soon,

Matthew Coast

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Matthew Coast

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